JANELLE: Great. Another strip club.
O'BRIEN: What? No. Gamma's a Greek house, a sorority. The job is sorority housemother.
JANELLE: How does a sorority housemom differ from what I did at the Omega?
O'BRIEN: They're fairly similar. You coordinate meals, you manage the staff. You oversee, keep your girls out of trouble. The difference is, you live there.
JANELLE: That I can do. (a beat) So no one gets naked?
O'BRIEN: Well, this is college.
JANELLE: Will it matter that I never graduated high --
MARSHALL O'BRIEN: You have a bachelor's degree, Janelle Smith.
She straightens in her chair.
JANELLE: I have a bachelor's degree...
MARSHALL O'BRIEN: You feel okay with this placement, like you'll be safe here at Whitney?
JANELLE: Totally. (a beat) No one from my old life would ever look for me at a college.
Hayden, 23, blonde with hipster glasses, approaches. She's an attractive dichotomy, simultaneously fresh-scrubbed and world-weary.
HAYDEN: Something to drink? Coconut milk macchiato? Chai chili latte? Our Earl Gray mistos are legendary.
The Marshall raises an eyebrow.
MARSHALL O'BRIEN: Coffee. Black.
HAYDEN: I'll start a fresh pot.
She exits the patio and enters...
INT. ELI'S HOUSE OF BEANS - DAY
CECE BONDURANT BARCLAY (the effortlessly blonde wife from the newscast) is here. She's regal, elegant, icy as Grace Kelly herself. Perched on a stool in the eclectic coffee bar, she flips channels, landing on the news. ON THE TV SCREEN we see a photo of Luis Guzman --
NEWSCASTER (O.S.): In Patterson, New Jersey, a grand jury has indicted suspected Cartagena Cartel kingpin Luis Guzman --
Hayden starts a fresh pot of coffee, then grabs the remote, flipping to sports.
HAYDEN: TV's supposed to stay on soccer.
CECE: Soccer? So I've raised my daughter to be a communist.
Hayden snorts.
HAYDEN: You've never raised anything but a martini glass.
Cece shrugs. Hayden's palpable resentment is one-sided.
A FRAT BRO in a backwards Whitney U cap saunters up.
FRAT BRO: Hey, you look familiar. You're not Callie, are you?
HAYDEN (curt): No.
Hayden points to her name tag. Dismissed, he leaves, glancing back over his shoulder. A SECOND FRAT BRO eyes Hayden from his table across the room.
HAYDEN (CONT'D): Why are you here?
CECE: There's a law against visiting my kid at college?
HAYDEN: Law? No. Lack of precedent? Yes. Four years of undergrad, one of a master's program, an hour from your Chicago house, yet you've never come. Why now?
FLASHBACK TO:
EXT. CECE'S SUBURBAN CHICAGO MANSION - DAY
Cece is restrained by a MAN IN AN FBI WINDBREAKER while a TEAM OF AGENTS removes pricey items, including a huge painted portrait of Cece, Chip, and a younger, more bershon Hayden.
INT. BANK LOBBY - DAY
Cece stands in front of A TELLER looking at the BANK MANAGER who vehemently shakes his head. The TELLER puts back the stack of bills and shrugs apologetically.
INT. CONVENIENCE STORE - DAY
CECE grimaces as the STORE CLERK cuts up her credit card and plucks the carton of milk from her hands.
END FLASHBACK
INT. ELI'S HOUSE OF BEANS - DAY
CECE: I'm here because I love you.
A beat.
Both women laugh.
CECE (CONT'D): Fine, I need a loan. The government couldn't seize your assets, so I want you to tap into your trust fund.
Hayden crosses her arms. She's not having this.
HAYDEN: Lemme see, (A) no, and (B) no. I don't touch my trust. Ever.
CECE: Then how do you pay your bills?
Hayden gestures towards her apron. Cece doesn't follow.
HAYDEN: I have a job? I suggest you find one, too, if you want to, you know, live indoors.
The second frat bro approaches Hayden.
SECOND FRAT BRO: You're Callie, the girl from -
HAYDEN: (barks) No.
Sheepish, he slinks away.
HAYDEN (CONT'D): You're here because I'm your last resort.
CECE: I wouldn't say last.
FLASHBACK TO:
EXT. FIRST SUBURBAN CHICAGO MANSION - DAY
A front door slams on Cece.
EXT. SECOND SUBURBAN CHICAGO MANSION - DAY
Another front door slams on Cece.
EXT. THIRD SUBURBAN CHICAGO MANSION - EVENING
A third door slams on Cece.
END FLASHBACK
INT. ELI'S HOUSE OF BEANS - DAY
Hayden spots a small snag in her mother's Chanel suit and her hard expression softens.
HAYDEN: I know dad screwed you over. He screwed everyone. He's a jackass.
CECE: I looked the other way when Chip would lie and cheat. I knew he wasn't perfect. But stealing money from our charity, then completely disappearing? Leaving me with nothing? Not even my dignity? Unacceptable.
Hayden blinks hard, steeling herself against the charming plague that is her mother.
CECE (CONT'D): I'm in a bind until we find Chip or my attorney figures out how to unfreeze my accounts.
HAYDEN: Sell your Mercedes and live on the proceeds until then.
Cece's lip trembles.
CECE: My car is the only piece I have left of my old life.
She gives Hayden wounded-doe eyes. Hayden cracks.
HAYDEN: I guess you could stay with me temporarily.
A slow grin spreads across Cece's face; mission accomplished.
CECE: Outstanding. So, sweetie, where is it that you live?
Hayden grits her teeth.
HAYDEN (mumbling): I instantly regret this decision.
INT. HAYDEN'S APARTMENT - AFTERNOON
With a pained expression, Cece wanders through Hayden's sparse loft. Her tower of Louis Vuitton suitcases sits next to door. Cece gingerly handles knickknacks, checks for dust, frowns at the modern artwork. A desk housing a massive iMac, servers, a camera, and a light bar takes up a whole wall.
Cece fingers the sheets on the platform bed.
CECE: What's the thread count on these? Two?
HAYDEN: That's my bed. You sleep there.
She points at a minimalist futon.
CECE: No guest room with en suite bath?
Cece is pushing Hayden's buttons.
HAYDEN: This is a one room loft.
Cece shudders, but realizes she's out of options.
CECE: Then I guess this will be like camping... only horrible.
HAYDEN (sarcastic): Welcome home, Mummy.
INT. ELI'S HOUSE OF BEANS - DAY
Hayden makes a massive cappuccino for Janelle, who's standing at the counter. Hayden seems stressed. Fresh as can be, Cece sits at the bar.
HAYDEN: Will your attorney have an update soon? It's been a week, a long week.
CECE: She says she has a lead on Chip's whereabouts. But she's worried that unfreezing my assets could take a while. Told me I should find work for now.
HAYDEN: So, exactly what I suggested last week.
Cece opens a newspaper to the CLASSIFIED SECTION and takes a pen from her purse. She begins to circle ads.
CECE: Sweetie, how many words do I type per minute?
HAYDEN: Zero.
Cece crosses out the listing with a red pen.
CECE: How would you rate my accounting skills?
HAYDEN: Dad stole fifty million dollars from your charitable foundation, so... not great.
Cece crosses out the listing.
CECE: Would I be right for a work-from-home position?
Hayden stiffens.
HAYDEN (snarls): I need you to be in my apartment less often, not more.
Cece shrugs and crosses out the listing.
CECE (reading): Sorority housemother needed ASAP. Manage operations. Oversee staff of cooks, gardeners,
and housekeepers. Position includes luxury accommodations. Sounds perfect.
This catches Janelle's attention. She can't help but listen.
HAYDEN: No, not perfect.
CECE: Why?
HAYDEN: Because mom is right in the job description.
CECE: And?
HAYDEN: And you're a terrible mother!
FLASHBACK TO:
EXT. POOL IN BACKYARD OF SUBURBAN CHICAGO MANSION - DAY
YOUNG HAYDEN, 10, flails and chokes in the pool. Is she drowning?
Cece's on the other side of the pool, coaching THE GARDENER as he prunes a bush into the shape of a swan.
CECE: Shh, Hayden, Mummy's talking.
END FLASHBACK
INT. ELI'S HOUSE OF BEANS - DAY
CECE: Yet I'm outstanding at managing a household staff, so you can see my dilemma.
Hayden sets Janelle's coffee on the counter with a bang.
HAYDEN: Jumbo skinny vanilla cap for Janelle.
Janelle doesn't respond.
HAYDEN (CONT'D): Janelle? Skinny cap?
Still nothing. Both Hayden and Cece look at Janelle - she's the only other person at the counter. Janelle smiles before she realizes why they're looking.
JANELLE: Of course that's me. Because I'm Janelle.
She takes her coffee, but lingers by Cece.
JANELLE (CONT'D): I hate to eavesdrop, but I'm a housemom.
CECE: Yeah? Do you like it?
JANELLE: I do. All the other moms are so nice! If you're interested, I'll introduce you to the Dean who oversees the sororities. She's actually here now.
Janelle motions towards DEAN GRACE, 40's, dressed in a bland suit with no-nonsense hair. She's meeting with KAYLEE, her dim assistant, 20's, and a SMALL GROUP OF ACADEMICS IN BOW TIES AND TWEED and an ASIAN MAN.
CECE: I'd love an introduction. (to Hayden) How can you say that other women are the worst?
HAYDEN: No, you say that! You have problems with women, not me!
Janelle and Cece grab a table. Cece smiles as she chats, effusive with charm. Hayden angrily wipes the counter. A MALE GRAD STUDENT approaches.
MALE GRAD STUDENT: Hey, aren't you --
HAYDEN: (snaps, not looking up) No! Okay? No! You don't freaking know me!
GRAD STUDENT: Sorry. Thought you were Hayden from Ed Psych class with Professor Baer.
She's mortified as he spots her name tag. After he leaves, she pulls out her phone and ON THE SCREEN we see -- a pop-up reminder that says pay tuition by Friday or else!!
HAYDEN: Damn it!
We see her tap a few lines. When finished typing, ON THE SCREEN we see -- a very sexy photo of Hayden in booty shorts and a long, red wig. She's biting her finger and eyeing the camera. The caption reads -- Sorry I've been offline. Your camgirl Callie will be back ASAFP!
END ACT ONE
ACT TWO
INT. ELI'S HOUSE OF BEANS - DAY
Janelle and Cece chat while waiting for the Dean.
JANELLE: The other housemoms say the key is to respect the girls, like, really embrace sisterhood. Does that sound like you, Cece?
FLASHBACK TO:
INT. NEIMAN MARCUS STORE - DAY
A SHOPPER admires a gorgeous handbag.
SALESCLERK: That's one of a kind.
Like a ninja, Cece yanks the bag out of the SHOPPER'S grip while thrusting her credit card at the SALESCLERK. FOCUS ON the name on her card -- Cece Bondurant Barclay.
INT. COUNTRY CLUB DINING ROOM - DAY
Cece stands by a fishbowl containing names on slips. A group of LADIES WHO LUNCH, all wearing pastel suits and hats, wait in anticipation. Cece draws a name.
CECE: The winner of the trip to Bali is...
ON THE PAPER, we see -- Joyce van der Zee
CECE (O.S.) (CONT'D): Why, it's me, Cece Bondurant Barclay!
INT. BRYN MAWR DORM ROOM - DAY
COLLEGE CECE, 20, sits on a bed, listening to Damn, I Wish I Was Your Lover. There's a poster from the movie The Bodyguard on the wall. Her roommate BITSY enters, wearing a Bryn Mawr sweatshirt. ANGLE ON Cece's face -- we only see the madras-clad Chip from behind.
BITSY: Miss Cece Marie Bondurant, please meet my boyfriend, Chip Barclay.
END FLASHBACK
INT. ELI'S HOUSE OF BEANS - DAY
Cece sips her coffee.
CECE: Sisterhood is my middle name.
We SHIFT FOCUS TO Dean Grace's table. She sits with Kaylee, the academics, and MR. WU, the Asian man.
ACADEMIC #1: We're recommending the trustees name you Provost next year, Dean Grace.
DEAN GRACE (pouring it on thick): I'm just so honored to be considered for this promotion.
ACADEMIC #2: What would help your case is you finding housing for Mr. Wu's students. His group wants to live together.
ACADEMIC #1: Don't forget, our international tuition prices are three times higher than domestic.
We hear a CHING from Hayden using the cash register. The Dean's smile falters.
DEAN GRACE: Placing all those students in a single location might be a challenge. But we have so many wonderful off-campus apartments that --
MR. WU: One spot. Non-negotiable.
KAYLEE: Wouldn't Greek Row be amaze? International students could have, like, their own neighborhood.
Mr. Wu leans in, very interested.
ACADEMIC #1: The university does own the land up there. Too bad the fraternities have those long-term leases...
Dean Grace's wheels turn. She rubs her hands together in anticipation. The cash register CHINGS in rapid succession.
DEAN GRACE: I'm confident we'll work this out.
ACADEMIC #1: Sounds like a plan, Provost Grace.
Everyone rises and shakes hands. The men depart. Before the two women leave, Janelle approaches with Cece.
JANELLE: Hi, Dean Grace, this is my friend, Cece. Can we have five minutes?
INT. DEAN GRACE'S OFFICE - DAY
The Dean's wood-paneled office is lined with shelves full of leather-bound books. The room smells of academia, mothballs.
Kaylee stands in the doorway.
DEAN GRACE: Yes?
KAYLEE: That lady today - you got her the job at Alpha. No one even checked references because you vouched. Will she be good?
Dean Grace offers a predatory smile.
DEAN GRACE: She'll be a train wreck.
KAYLEE: We want her to be terrible?
DEAN GRACE: That's the plan.
Kaylee scratches her head, bewildered.
DEAN GRACE (CONT'D): What happens when a sorority house is mismanaged, Kaylee? Anarchy happens. You can't manage that many hungry girls without a strong leader, a true adult. So then what happens?
KAYLEE: Um...
DEAN GRACE: Anarchy impacts membership. If the house doesn't recruit enough new girls, they lose their national charter. And when the charter's revoked?
KAYLEE: Um...
The Dean swears it's like pulling teeth with this one.
DEAN GRACE: No charter, no lease. Without leases, Whitney reclaims the land. (a beat) Which will go to Mr. Wu's group.
The last horse to cross the finish line is... Kaylee!
KAYLEE: But... how do we get rid of all the other housemoms? (whispers) Murder?
The Dean blinks hard. Idiot.
DEAN GRACE: We don't get rid of the moms. What we do is make and enforce new rules. Impossible-to-comply rules.
KAYLEE: Ah, rules. (a beat) That's probably better than murder.
EXT. GREEK ROW/ZETA OMICRON OMEGA FRATERNITY HOUSE - DAY
OVER BLACK
MEAN HELENE (O.S.) (guttural sounds/heavy breathing): Mmmmpppph.
CLOSE ON housemom MEAN HELENE SCHROEDER, 70's. She has the countenance of a grizzled war veteran. Mean Helene lays in the grass of the ZOO fraternity. Clad in a ghillie suit, she uses binoculars to track the academics as they survey the block with Mr. Wu. A ZOO PLEDGE starts towards her, but a ZOO BROTHER yanks him back. The message is clear -- don't provoke Mean Helene.
MEAN H
ELENE (CONT'D): Mmmmpppph.
Mean Helene makes a note on a small pad. MEAN HELENE'S POV is on the Pi Mu Sigma house, where housemom RAIN LEVINSON (50's) tends her organic garden.
MEAN HELENE (O.S.) (CONT'D): Useless hippie.
MEAN HELENE's POV shifts to a window at Rho Sigma Tau where MARILEE MITCHELL, mid 30's, stands. She's an African American version of Martha Stewart. Marilee's apartment is a pink and green paean to Lambda Phi Lambda's letters and colors.
We see a framed article on the wall and WE READ the headline -- Lambda Phi Lambda, Whitney's First African American Sorority Moves into Greek Row. The picture beneath shows a younger Marilee in a Lambda sweatshirt holding ceremonial scissors for a ribbon-cutting. WE READ the photo's caption -- Lambda president Marilee Mitchell does the honors. Marilee gazes longingly at the Lambda house next door. She spots Rain outside and waves.
MEAN HELENE (O.S.) (CONT'D): Friendly fire. Hate your troops long enough and they'll turn on ya.
MEAN HELENE'S POV hones in on Janelle waving at Rain while helping Ashley load her car.
MEAN HELENE (O.S.) (CONT'D): Bachelor's degree, my ass.
Finally, MEAN HELENE's POV shifts to the Alpha Zeta Alpha house. Cece has just arrived in a shiny new Mercedes convertible. She doesn't wave back at anyone.
MEAN HELENE (O.S.) (CONT'D): Mmmmpppph. Trouble.
INT. HAYDEN'S APARTMENT - DAY
Dressed in a flimsy teddy and bobbed auburn wig, Hayden sits at her computer. She taps out a few keyboard commands, adjusts the camera, and then...
HAYDEN (into the camera): Hey, y’all... your girl Callie's finally back.
INT. GAMMA HOUSE/ASHLEY'S ROOM - DAY
Ashley wears head to toe Gamma letters. Her curtain of black hair sweeps her elbows. A sign on her door denotes she's the chapter president. Janelle keeps her company as she unpacks.
ASHLEY: I'm loving that we finally have a young housemom! Our last mom was, like, ancient! Couldn't walk up the stairs.
Janelle tries to air out this cramped room. Her progress is slowed by the bright snowboard propped against the bed in the middle of everything.
Ashley unpacks a wall-hanging crucifix.
JANELLE (pleased): You're Catholic, too?
ASHLEY: In theory. My mom made me pack this. She says Jesus's watchful eye will keep me out of trouble. Please. This room is the only place I won't find trouble.
Stories I'd Tell in Bars Page 24