JANELLE: Why's that?
Ashley gives Jane an odd look.
ASHLEY: Because of our national no alcohol or boys upstairs rules? Plus, I'm president so I set the example.
JANELLE: Yeah, right, of course.
ASHLEY: Don't you hate how movies portray sororities?
INT. GENERIC SORORITY HOUSE LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
A pack of HOT DRUNK CHICKS do keg stands while HOT DRUNK CHICK #1 chops up a mountain of cocaine. HOT DRUNK CHICK #2, dances around in a Viking helmet and underpants. HOT DRUNK CHICK#3 leads a live sheep into the party.
INT. GAMMA HOUSE/ASHLEY'S ROOM - DAY
ASHLEY: We'd lose our charter in a hot minute if we behaved like that. I'm, like, have the writers ever even seen a college?
Janelle nods, nervous.
ASHLEY (CONT'D): Anyway, my party days are over. I have a serious boyfriend. He's delish. Goes to law school here.
JANELLE: You're so lucky! I'd love to meet a nice guy. Kind of rare in my life so far.
ASHLEY: You'll meet someone amaze, I just know it.
Janelle beams, because, sisterhood.
EXT. GREEK ROW/ALPHA HOUSE - DAY
Rain approaches Cece in the sorority's portico. Rain's an earth mother, clad in hemp clothes and gardening shoes, proudly displaying her gray roots, as though aging were a badge of honor and not a horrible fucking curse.
RAIN: You must be Cece! I'm Rain Levinson, mom at Pi Mu next door. I'm here to show you around.
Cece coolly regards Rain, underwhelmed by her overalls and Crocs. Rain offers her hand, but Cece declines as it's caked in soil. Rain laughs, wiping her palms on her pants.
RAIN (CONT'D): Sorry, I've been mulching.
CECE: Don't we have people for that?
RAIN: We do, but I can't help myself around dirt. Former botany professor.
Cece won't even pretend to feign interest.
CECE: Wow, botany. That sounds... stimulating.
INT. ANONYMOUS BASEMENT - DAY
WE HEAR Prince's Purple Rain. Under extensive silver ductwork and the glow of grow lights, Rain inspects the flower on a thriving marijuana plant LABELED Purple Rain. PULL BACK to reveal dozens of additional plants.
EXT. GREEK ROW/ALPHA HOUSE - DAY
RAIN: You might be surprised. (a beat) Ready for the tour?
They walk together into...
INT. ALPHA HOUSE/ENTRY HALL - DAY
Rain and Cece enter a legit mansion, with a massive open atrium. A huge floral arrangement, studded with daisies, sits in the center of the foyer. The room's lit by an enormous crystal chandelier. The elegant space is decorated in muted shades of gold and red.
CECE: A catsup and mustard palette? Who's the interior designer? Ronald McDonald? Not lovin' it.
RAIN: The sorority's colors are crimson and maize, so --
CECE: So, I'll change it. I have access to the house checkbook, yes?
Rain's tries to nudge Cece in another direction.
RAIN: Yes, but the sisters move back tomorrow and rush is this weekend. It's better to concentrate on --
CECE: On calling a decorator stat?
Cece shoots a quick text.
CECE (CONT'D): Done.
Cece then sniffs the air.
CECE (CONT'D): What's that God-awful stench?
Rain takes a whiff of herself. Not her, not this time.
CECE (CONT'D): It's coming from back there.
They head down the hall to...
INT. ALPHA HOUSE/KITCHEN
LORETTA, 60's, stout with kind eyes. Her apron reads Never Trust a Skinny Chef. She stirs the contents of a large pot. She hums, content.
RAIN: Loretta! Meet Cece, the new mom.
Loretta waves her wooden spoon.
LORETTA: Deee-lighted to meet you!
Cece glowers at the pot like it froze her accounts. She takes a handkerchief from her bag, placing it over her nose.
CECE (muffled): Thanks.
RAIN: That your famous vegan white bean chili?
LORETTA: You know it. Low cal, low fat, low guilt; the perfect lunch.
CECE: (gagging) For livestock?
Loretta's unfazed.
LORETTA: My gals love my chili and it only costs fifty cents a serving.
Cece removes her handkerchief.
CECE: Let me ask you something --
Loretta smiles encouragingly.
CECE (CONT'D): Would it smell better if we were to spend sixty cents?
RAIN: Let's introduce you to the head of housekeeping.
Rain hustles Cece down the hall to...
INT. ALPHA HOUSE/JANITOR'S ROOM - DAY
EDYTA, 40s, brusque but efficient, wears a starched maid's uniform. Her lips are pressed into a thin, white line.
CECE: All I'm saying is that marble floors shine brighter when polished on hands and knees, and not just dry mopped.
EDYTA: Yes, but hand-polishing makes them too slippery.
CECE: That sounds like an excuse.
Edyta clenches her fist.
RAIN: Let's find Bob, the landscaper.
They walk out front to...
EXT. GREEK ROW/ALPHA HOUSE - DAY
BOB, 60's, resembles Santa Claus with his thick white beard. He holds a shovel by the row of daisies that line the drive.
BOB: You want me to take these out and replace them with white tea roses? All of 'em?
CECE: All of them.
BOB: The roses would be mighty pretty, but daisies are Alpha's official flower.
CECE: Who chooses a weed as an official flower? No. Gotta go.
Rain face-palms. Cece is hopeless.
INT. ALPHA HOUSE/ENTRY HALL - DAY
A hub of activity! An INTERIOR DESIGNER shows Cece an array of fabric. A PAINTER stands on a drop cloth on the floor of the entry, changing the wall color. Loretta enters with a snack of shucked oysters on a silver tray. Edyta is on her knees in the adjoining living area, hand-combing the fringe on the rug. She pauses to wipe her brow. Cece motions for her to continue. Edyta scowls.
Cece spots Bob through the open front door. He's waxing her Mercedes, which is parked next to the new roses. She motions for him to polish harder.
Across the street, Mean Helene watches from her spot beneath the ZOO sign. Her expression is terrifying.
Hayden enters carrying a fern and sees what her mom has wrought. CLOSE ON Hayden wincing.
MATCH CUT TO:
INT. MARILEE'S APARTMENT - DAY
Rain is wincing. PULL BACK to discover she's holding in smoke, a one-hitter in her hand. She exhales a great white plume.
MARILEE: Since when is the new housemom awful? I thought we loved Janelle.
RAIN: We do love Janelle. I'm talking about Alpha's new mom.
MARILEE: Whoa, what happened to Mama Doris?
RAIN: Stroke, three days ago.
MARILEE (to herself): Never the ones you hope.
RAIN: I'm concerned for the Alphas. Yet the universe knows how to right itself.
Rain takes a monster inhale, then offers the pipe to Marilee. She declines.
MARILEE: Going the other way, thanks.
Marilee opens a pill bottle and we FOCUS ON the prescribed name -- Brooke Ames. She swallows the tablet dry.
RAIN: Since when do you take Ritalin, Marilee?
MARILEE: Since Brooke Ames left her script in the bathroom.
RAIN: Hon, you can't do that.
MARILEE: Why not? Tough love. Pay more attention next time, Brookie.
RAIN: Will you ever stop resenting your poor girls for not being Lambdas?
MARILEE: Of course.
Marilee glowers out the window at the Lambda house.
MARILEE (CONT'D): Soon as Mama Shirley dies. Diabetes and high blood pressure, yet still alive and kicking. So unfair.
RAIN: Do you ever wonder if your passion for Lambda is a bit... much?
FLASHBACK TO:
INT. A CHURCH ALTAR - DAY
A wedding gown-clad Marilee shoves her HUSBAND, late 20's, out of
the way to pose with HER PINK AND GREEN BRIDESMAIDS.
MARILEE: Everyone say "Lovely Lambdas!"
INT. MARILEE'S FORMER CLOSET - DAY
Marilee shoves all the men's clothing to the side to make way for sorority sweatshirts while her husband watches.
INT. MARILEE'S FORMER LIVING ROOM - DAY
Marilee shoves a Plexiglas box of Air Jordans off a shelf to display her collection of stuffed llamas wearing Lambda shirts. Her husband grabs the box and walks out the door.
END FLASHBACK
INT. MARILEE'S APARTMENT - DAY
MARILEE: No, why?
RAIN: No reason.
EXT. PATIO OF ELI'S HOUSE OF BEANS - DAY
Janelle READS a copy of -- The Dummy's Guide to Sororities. Oblivious, she's caught the attention of Trevor, mid 20's. Sporty, with freckles and floppy bangs, he looks like he'd help old ladies cross streets. He READS -- Constitutional Law.
TREVOR: Are you going through rush?
JANELLE: Sorry?
TREVOR: Do you want to pledge a sorority house?
JANELLE: Me? No, I, um, already graduated.
Trevor nods towards her book.
JANELLE (CONT'D): Oh. This. I'm getting a handle on my new job. Just became housemom at... Kappa Gamma. The Greek stuff is all new to me.
TREVOR: No frats at your last school?
FLASHBACK TO:
EXT. NEW JERSEY HIGH SCHOOL - DAY
CATHOLIC SCHOOL KIDS wearing uniforms mill around the entrance. The sign out front reads St. Sebastian High.
BACK TO:
EXT. PATIO OF ELI'S HOUSE OF BEANS - DAY
JANELLE: Not so much.
They return to their books, taking turns stealing glances.
Janelle's phone beeps. ON THE SCREEN we see -- a text from Uncle Pat.
O'BRIEN (TEXT): Status check?
JANELLE (TEXT): Everyone's so nice, [heart emoji] it here
Janelle looks around, content.
JANELLE (CONT'D) (singing to herself) If I should stay, I would only be in your way...
Her voice is soulful and pure.
TREVOR: Whitney or Dolly?
JANELLE: Sorry?
TREVOR: Are you singing the Whitney Houston version or the Dolly Parton version?
JANELLE: Dolly Parton never sang I Will Always Love You.
TREVOR: Never sang it? She wrote it!
JANELLE: Impossible. That song was made for Whitney. The legato passages? I die.
TREVOR: You don't believe me.
JANELLE: Can't believe you. My girl Whitney owned it.
TREVOR: Wanna put a friendly wager on it?
JANELLE: Maybe?
TREVOR: I'll bet you a --
Janelle's excited to be speaking with a nice guy.
JANELLE: Coffee?
TREVOR: Nah, too easy. Dinner? If I'm right, I take you to dinner.
JANELLE: What if you're wrong?
TREVOR: Then dinner's on you.
Trevor pulls out his phone and ON THE SCREEN we see him type -- I Will Always Love You into Google.
TREVOR (CONT'D) (reading): Written and recorded by Dolly Parton in 1973...
Janelle's never been so happy to lose.
INT. ROMANTIC ITALIAN RESTAURANT - NIGHT
Trevor rises from his seat in a busy restaurant, kissing Janelle on the cheek when she arrives. He pulls out her chair. A chianti bottle holding a candle burns on the table.
TREVOR: I wish you'd let me pick you up.
Such manners! He pours her a glass of red wine.
JANELLE: What can I say, I'm cautious. I can't warn my girls about getting into strange men's cars if I do it myself.
Trevor's puzzled.
TREVOR: Do you normally have to speak to them like they children?
JANELLE: Actually, not here. At the old job, yes. We didn't run into many nice guys there.
TREVOR: What'd you do before?
FLASHBACK TO:
INT. THE OMEGA LOUNGE/MAIN STAGE - NIGHT
Candy is bent over and a PERVY MAN tries to swipe his credit card in her butt crack.
END FLASHBACK
INT. ROMANTIC ITALIAN RESTAURANT - NIGHT
JANELLE: Um... troubled youth outreach?
She's flustered, still getting the hang of lying.
TREVOR: Sounds stimulating.
JANELLE: That's a good word for it.
TREVOR: Why'd you quit?
JANELLE: I needed a change of scenery. How about you?
TREVOR: Professional bartender by night, amateur attorney by day. I'm a third year in law school.
JANELLE: Wow! What do you do for fun?
TREVOR: Fantasy football. Snowboard. Stalk Dolly Parton. You?
JANELLE: Don't laugh, but I make lists. I live in mortal fear I'll miss something, so I log everything. Checking off items when I'm finished gives me life.
TREVOR: Ever complete a task, realize it wasn't on the list, and then write it down so you can cross it off?
JANELLE: You just looked right into my soul.
They laugh, clink glasses.
INT. ALPHA HOUSE/ENTRY HALL - NIGHT
NATALIE, 22, a rule-follower, prone to whining, enters the house, suitcase in tow. She stops short, noticing the formal entry has turned into a construction zone. Is this Alpha? She steps out the door to check the address, before re-entering. She pulls out a phone and dials, pissy.
NATALIE: Who approved the renovation? As chapter treasurer, I should have been consulted. We don't have the budget for this.
INT. ROMANTIC ITALIAN RESTAURANT - NIGHT
All the tables are empty, save for Janelle and Trevor's. The candle nub flickers out in a pile of melted wax.
TREVOR: I'm still afraid of rulers. Sister Kathleen was no joke, man. A swing like hers, shoulda played for the Cubbies.
Trevor protectively rubs his knuckles.
JANELLE: For me, it's plaid kilts. My PTSD is triggered whenever I see a plaid kilt.
FLASHBACK TO:
INT. THE OMEGA/MAIN STAGE - NIGHT
Candy dances in a naughty Catholic school girl uniform to Winger's She's Only Seventeen.
END FLASHBACK
INT. ROMANTIC ITALIAN RESTAURANT - NIGHT
Janelle shudders inadvertently.
TREVOR: Listen, if we're trying to out-Catholic the other, I'll have you know I played Joseph in the Christmas pageant.
JANELLE: Whoa. Joseph? You win.
TREVOR: I did. Crushed so much sixth grade ass after that.
They laugh. Neither wants the night to end.
JANELLE: Do you remember leaving room for the Holy Ghost at dances?
TREVOR: Yeah, but even the Holy Ghost refused to dance to Nickelback.
An ANNOYED WAITER approaches.
ANNOYED WAITER: Can I get you anything else? Like... a check?
They ignore him, focused only on each other.
TREVOR: Hey, what's on your bucket list? What do you have to do before you die?
JANELLE: Well, I want to sing at Madison Square Garden. Or in front of any audience. Of course, I want to go to col -- (clears throat) Calligraphy classes.
TREVOR: Random, but respectable.
The waiter snatches their water glasses and candle.
ANNOYED WAITER: Really, anything? How about a check?
Janelle and Trevor gaze at each other. He stomps off.
JANELLE: What's on your bucket list?
TREVOR (sly): Right now? Convincing you to come back to my place.
Sparks fly.
JANELLE: Check, please!
INT. ALPHA HOUSE/KITCHEN - NIGHT
Natalie enters in pajamas. She opens the fridge.
NATALIE: Chili time. Time for chili. It’s chili o’clock. Where are you, chili?
She looks in plastic containers LABELED -- Cece.
NATALIE (CONT'D): Filets? Caviar? Damn it, Cece!
INT. TREVOR'S APARTMENT/LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
Janelle and Trevor tumble into his front door, kissing passionately over Dolly's v
ersion of I Will Always Love You.
Trevor unbuttons Janelle's blouse and she yanks off his shirt They pause to admire each other. Then Trevor pulls her to him with such force that he falls backwards onto his couch, taking her down with him. Their lips never part.
We see a skirt and a pair of pants land on the floor. CLOSE IN on the couple's faces; it's go-time.
JANELLE: Hold on, wait.
Trevor stops, alarmed. Did he misread her signals?
JANELLE (CONT'D): Save room for the Holy Ghost.
They laugh and we PAN UP the wall to reveal a crucifix.
INT. ALPHA HOUSE/LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
Another construction zone, with all the furniture gone, save for a couch. Natalie crosses the marble floor in thick socks, carrying books. She slips and falls, disappearing behind the sofa. The books fly everywhere.
NATALIE: Who polished the [bleeped] marble?!
INT. TREVOR'S APARTMENT/BEDROOM - NIGHT
Janelle's wrapped in a sheet on Trevor's bed. Every time she tries to get up, he pulls her down again.
TREVOR: Stay. Please.
JANELLE: Can't. Already called an Uber.
He buries his head in her hair. She slips out of his grip.
TREVOR: I'm not a one-night-stand guy. I don't see you as a one-night-stand girl. That means you have to stay; it's the law.
JANELLE: Most of the girls move in tomorrow. Can't have their first impression of me be the walk of shame.
TREVOR: At least let me drive you home.
Relenting, Janelle grabs her phone.
JANELLE: I cancelled the Uber.
Trevor gets out of bed to look for his clothes.
TREVOR: Hey, where is the Kappa Gamma house, anyway?
JANELLE: I don't know. Why?
TREVOR: Because you live there?
JANELLE: No, I'm housemom at Gamma Kappa.
TREVOR: But you said Kappa Gamma.
JANELLE: I probably did. The letters are tricky, like, it's all Greek to me.
Trevor blanches and crosses the room. FOCUS ON Trevor's desk -- we see a shot of Trevor with his arms around Ashley. His girlfriend. He places the picture face-down.
Stories I'd Tell in Bars Page 25