END ACT TWO
ACT THREE
INT. ALPHA HOUSE/ENTRY HALL - DAY
Cece, pacing, speaks on her cell phone as Natalie approaches.
NATALIE: We should discuss your spending.
Cece gives her the one-minute finger.
CECE (mouthing): My attorney.
Natalie doesn't care.
NATALIE: Like, the colors you picked are cool and all, but the cost of --
Cece turns her back, holding a hand over her ear to better hear.
CECE (on phone): That's not how good news and bad news works. (a beat) Then please explain how finding Chip in a country without an extradition treaty is good news.
Natalie maneuvers around to be in front of Cece.
NATALIE: The cost of the fabric is, like, insane. You do have access to discretionary funds, but you blew through --
CECE (on phone): Where is Madagascar, anyway? (a beat) No, I have not seen the charming film by the same name.
NATALIE: You spent, like, a ton and we don't have the money allotted. P.S. I worked super hard on that budget.
CECE (on phone): No extradition means we can't force Chip back to the US to stand trial. That's why finding him there does not constitute good news.
Natalie taps Cece on the shoulder. Cece shrugs her off.
NATALIE: New member recruitment starts in three days. I don't feel like your renovations will be done in time. Then how will we pay for them?
CECE (on phone): What am I supposed to do?
Natalie chases Cece around the room. She's a small dog yipping for attention.
NATALIE: What are we supposed to do?
CECE (on phone): If he won't return to stand trial, I'm done! My assets will never be unfrozen! I'm screwed.
NATALIE: We can't have rush in a construction zone! Although everyone in hardhats would be kind of adorbs. Still, we're screwed!
CECE (on phone): Make it work? That's your advice? Thirteen hundred dollars an hour to quote Tim freaking Gunn? Argh!
Cece repeatedly stabs the keypad with her finger.
CECE (CONT'D): Hanging up on people was a lot more satisfying on a landline. Anyway, you were saying something?
A beat.
NATALIE: I'm saying fix this, or we find a new housemom.
For the first time, we see Cece worried.
Outside the window, we see Mean Helene watching Cece with her spyglasses.
INT. DEAN GRACE'S OFFICE - DAY
Dean Grace sits at her desk, phone in hand. SHE DOODLES -- Provost Grace on her blotter. Kaylee enters, handing the Dean a STACK OF MESSAGES THAT CONTAIN WORDS LIKE -- Complaint, Alpha, Terrible, Cece, Help.
The Dean flaps her hands for Kaylee, like she's working a pair of sock puppets, clearly mocking the person on the other end of the line.
DEAN GRACE (on phone): I'm so sorry to hear about the problems you're having, Natalie. (a beat) I agree, it would be awful if Mrs. Barclay's incompetence impacted recruitment. Just awful.
Kaylee and Dean Grace high-five across the desk; the plan's working.
INT. HAYDEN'S APARTMENT - DAY
Hayden's doing a webcast. Her look is Japanese-anime style. She wears a blunt-cut black wig styled into pigtails and a tiny sailor's uniform with thigh-high socks and stilettos. She addresses her webcam.
HAYDEN: What are you looking for your girl Callie to do today?
She reads her viewers' responses on the screen. [We can't see them.] [Could also show screen and have lines blurred because they're pornographic.]
HAYDEN (CONT'D): Dirty. I can definitely do that.
Someone starts banging at Hayden's door. She ignores the intrusion.
HAYDEN (CONT'D): We'll need to upgrade to a private screen so it's just us. Sound good?
The banging continues. Whoever’s here isn't leaving. She reads the screen.
HAYDEN (CONT'D): Um, no, it's fine. I don't have to answer the door.
Bang! Bang, bang! Hayden finds the intrusion difficult to ignore.
HAYDEN (CONT'D) (quietly fuming): Okay, yeah, it's probably my landlord. You're right, I'm sure I will have to convince him to let me pay my rent late.
CECE (O.S.): Hayden! Your mummy is here! Open up!
Hayden rips the computer's power cord out of the wall, ending the broadcast. She stomps over to the door, furious, forgetting to cover her outfit. She opens the door hard.
HAYDEN: What?!
CECE: That's how you greet your mother?
Cece takes in Hayden's outfit. She reaches in her purse for a card, which she hands to Hayden.
HAYDEN: What's this?
CECE: The direct line to my personal stylist at Neiman's. Your taste is a cry for help.
Mortified, Hayden pulls on a robe.
HAYDEN: Do you need something?
CECE: Yes, to move in. The housemom thing is a bust.
HAYDEN: Because you treated the Alpha house like your own private residence?
Cece shrugs, admitting nothing.
HAYDEN (CONT'D): Because you bulldozed the staff, treating them like they worked for you and not with you?
CECE: A lot of things happened, no one can say who's to blame.
Hayden is apoplectic.
HAYDEN: No, it's you! You are to blame.
CECE: That's a gray area.
Hayden tries another tack.
HAYDEN: You know, this is a blessing. This is your chance to finally do something on your own.
CECE: Meaning?
HAYDEN: Meaning you went from your parents' house to your dorm room to your husband's house. You've never been on your own. You don't know how to be an adult. You have no clue what it feels like to earn your own living, to chart your own course. You know, that's why I never took money from you guys.
Cece looks visibly uncomfortable at hearing these truths.
HAYDEN (CONT'D): I'm so afraid of turning into you that I work terrible, degrading jobs --
CECE: You're being dramatic, sweetie. Making coffee's not so bad.
Hayden's white with rage; how clueless is her mom, anyway?
HAYDEN: My point is, I'm proud to support myself. That feels good. I don't owe anyone anything. I rely on me.
Cece's quiet for a beat.
CECE: So I'm not moving in?
HAYDEN: Um, yeah.
Cece's defeated. She struggles for her words.
CECE: Then what am I going to do?
HAYDEN: I suggest you return to Alpha. Get in your car and go back. Right now, they're your only option.
CECE (in a whisper): What if I can't do the job?
HAYDEN: Then talk to the other housemoms. Ask them for help. Make it work.
Before Cece realizes what's happening, Hayden has hustled her out the door.
INT. HALLWAY OF HAYDEN'S APARTMENT - DAY
We hear a deadbolt click behind Cece.
CECE: What is it with everyone quoting Tim Gunn today?
END ACT THREE
ACT FOUR
INT. GAMMA HOUSE/ASHLEY'S ROOM - DAY
Janelle knocks on Ashley's open door, carrying folded towels. The room is still in chaos, boxes everywhere. Ashley is at her desk, disassembling her phone.
JANELLE: Clean towel delivery.
Janelle places the towels on Ashley's bed.
ASHLEY: You didn't have to do that, thanks!
JANELLE: I like to help.
Janelle stifles a yawn.
JANELLE (CONT'D): Sorry, need more coffee. Late night.
ASHLEY: Yeah? Anything interesting?
JANELLE (shy): Maybe, we'll see what happens.
Janelle notices the phone parts splayed across the desk.
JANELLE (CONT'D): What's happening here?
ASHLEY: Something's wrong with this thing. My boyfriend said he kept texting me last night, but I never got anything.
JANELLE: Are you seeing your other texts?
ASHLEY: Uh-huh.
JANELLE: Weird.
ASHLEY: Right? You don't think he's lying? Like he's cheating
on me?
JANELLE: On you? Impossible. He'd have to be crazy.
Janelle laughs. She has no idea.
ASHLEY: Whew! Don't have to kill him now.
JANELLE: Anyone woman who'd cheat with someone else's guy is a total skank. You don't violate Girl Code.
ASHLEY: Thanks for that, I was kind of losing it for a second.
JANELLE: No probs. Hey, you want me to recycle these empty boxes for you?
ASHLEY: I'm not done unpacking. But you're the best!
JANELLE: I aim to please.
Janelle's phone beeps. ON THE SCREEN we see -- a text from Trevor.
TREVOR (TEXT)
Can't stop thinking about last night...
Anxious to respond, Janelle exits, phone in hand.
JANELLE: See you later, Ash.
ASHLEY (to herself): Love her!
Ashley opens the box next to her desk. We see that it's full of photos of Trevor.
EXT. GREEK ROW/ALPHA HOUSE - DAY
Cece pulls up, parking her Mercedes out front. She looks at the house long and hard, as though deciding. Resigned, she exits the car, squares her shoulders, and enters the house.
Mean Helene watches through binoculars, intrigued.
INT. ALPHA HOUSE/ENTRY HALL - DAY
The entry hall is a disaster - all the half-done renovation projects have been abandoned. Scaffolding is everywhere. Walls have partial coats of primer, woodwork is stripped, floors are torn up, the furniture is frame-only. Natalie paces, panicked.
NATALIE: They've left! All the workers are gone! What are we going to do?
CECE: Back up, they're gone? Why'd they leave?
NATALIE: I have no idea! All I said was that we didn't have the money to pay them.
CECE: You told everyone that?
NATALIE: I mentioned it to one guy because we were chatting. He was cute. But he had a big mouth and the word spread.
Cece runs her hands through her hair, concerned.
CECE: When does the house need to be ready for rush?
NATALIE: Two days! If we all pitch in, we could maybe finish the painting, but we can't fix the hard stuff! And we have so much recruitment party prep on top of that!
CECE: Can you postpone rush?
NATALIE: No.
CECE: What happens if these recruitment parties go badly?
NATALIE: Then girls won't pick us. We won't meet our quota from national. They'll pull our charter.
Natalie begins to cry. Ugly cry. Baby with a bowlful of spaghetti on his head cry.
Cece attempts to comfort her. Her awkward hug comes across more like a TSA pat-down, but she tries.
NATALIE (CONT'D): Were you ever in a sorority?
CECE: My college didn't have them.
NATALIE: Then you don't get it.
CECE: What's to get? You live together and go to frat parties, right?
NATALIE: No. I mean, yes, but no. We're so much more than that.
CECE: How?
NATALIE: Being in Alpha teaches us how to resolve conflict, how to compromise, how to lead, how to live with difficult people. We learn how to be adults and live on our own, take care of ourselves.
Cece mulls this over. Natalie crosses to a huge photo display. We see dozens of shots of happy girls hugging each other.
NATALIE (CONT'D): We're sisters. We're there for each other. These girls are my family, not just today but forever.
Cece presses her palms to her temple, thinking hard. She's invested now.
CECE: You're the house treasurer, right? How much do we owe everyone?
NATALIE: Like, almost thirty grand. We're screwed. Alpha's over.
CECE: Thirty grand? That's it?
NATALIE: May as well be fifty million because we don't have it.
Cece presses her lips together. Very slowly, she turns her head to look at her car through the open door. She knows what she has to do.
EXT. GREEK ROW/ALPHA HOUSE - DAY
A MAN IN COVERALLS attaches a winch to Cece's Mercedes, hooking it to the back of a tow truck. He hands her A CHECK. We see it's -- made out to Cece Bondurant Barclay for $30,000. Cece passes it to Natalie, who jumps up and down.
A vehicle with a Whitney logo on the doors cruises by slowly before stopping. A carload of CHINESE MEN get out, each snapping photos of the various Greek houses.
Mean Helene sits up, places a cap on her binoculars. She retreats inside the ZOO house.
INT. DEAN GRACE'S OFFICE - DAY
Dean Grace enters her darkened office holding a cup of coffee. Mean Helene is on the couch, in the shadows.
MEAN HELENE: Hello, Dean Grace.
Mean Helene flips on a light. She's swapped out her military gear for a sweatshirt with kittens on it. Somehow, this outfit is even more menacing.
The Dean jumps, spilling coffee all over her white blouse.
DEAN GRACE: How'd you get in here?
The Dean shouts into the hallway.
DEAN GRACE (CONT'D): Kaylee? How'd she get in here?
Kaylee enters.
KAYLEE: That's a really good question.
FLASHBACK TO:
INT. RECEPTION AREA OF DEAN GRACE'S OFFICE - DAY
Kaylee sits at her desk in front of Dean Grace's door, squealing with laughter as she spins in fast circles on her swivel chair. Mean Helene simply shuffles past her.
END FLASHBACK
INT. DEAN GRACE'S OFFICE - DAY
Kaylee narrows her eyes at Mean Helene, trying to figure out the secret to her black magic.
KAYLEE: Are you a ninja?
MEAN HELENE: Army training. War.
KAYLEE: Which war?
Mean Helene ignores her, addressing the Dean.
MEAN HELENE: You're up to something. The Chinamen are in on it, too.
The Dean stammers.
DEAN GRACE: I... I... have no idea what you're talking about. And that’s an offensive term.
KAYLEE: Were you in the Vietnam War?
MEAN HELENE: Don't act innocent with me, missy. I see your handprints all over the recent chaos on Greek Row. What's your play?
KAYLEE: Was it Korea?
DEAN GRACE: I won't have you sneaking in here to level baseless accusations.
MEAN HELENE: I don't make baseless accusations. You're planning something. Fact.
KAYLEE: Kuwait? Panama? Kosovo? Grenada?
The Dean starts to sweat.
DEAN GRACE: Well, I have no plans. And you can't prove anything.
The Dean winces as soon as the words leave her mouth. Mean Helene glances at the Dean's desk blotter, SPOTTING THE -- Provost Grace doodles. She shoots the Dean a look that might just turn her into a pillar of salt.
MEAN HELENE: This ain't over, this is just beginning. This is you dropping a bomb on Pearl Harbor, Provost Grace.
Mean Helene spins on the sole of her orthopedic shoes and marches out.
KAYLEE: The Spanish-American War?
INT. ALPHA HOUSE/ENTRY HALL - DAY
A dozen SORORITY SISTERS are hard at work, some assisting a COUPLE OF WORKMEN, some painting the entry hall, some moving furniture. All the girls wear matching t-shirts.
SORORITY SISTERS (singing): Drink a beer, drink a beer, drink a beer, god damn it, drink a beer. I won't drink beer with any old man unless he is an Alpha fan.
Cece enters with Natalie.
CECE: What else is on your list?
Natalie consults her phone.
NATALIE : A ton. We're not gonna make it. We lost too much time before the contractors came back.
CECE: But we're almost done putting the house back together.
NATALIE: We still have to prep for the actual events. We've got songs, flowers, decorations, skits -- ugh. It's too much. We're out of time and we don't have enough bodies to help.
CECE: Let me handle this.
EXT. GREEK ROW/PI MU HOUSE - DAY
Cece knocks and a PI MU SISTER answers. The Pi Mu points to the side of the house. Cece dashes through the grass in heels, which keep getting stuck,
so she kicks them off and runs barefoot.
Rain is placing tomatoes in a basket as Cece approaches, breathless.
CECE: Rain, hi, I know we got off on the wrong foot and I'm sorry. I'm not great with other women and that's my fault. I own that.
Rain listens, offering no response.
CECE (CONT'D): My girls are in trouble and they need help and I'm not asking for me, I'm asking for them. Please, please, can you find it in your heart to --
Rain holds up a dirty hand.
RAIN: Lemme stop you right there --
Cece nods.
CECE: I deserve that, okay. I get it. I have no right to ask for favors when you've been so nice and I've been so rude. It's just that one of these kids got to me and she made me wish I'd done a lot of things differently in my life and --
RAIN: Cece, shhh. I stopped you because we're wasting time. Let's go.
Cece is astounded.
CECE: Just like that? Oh, my God, thank you, thank you.
Rain nods. She walks towards Alpha and Cece trots along behind her.
RAIN: I don't know what your life was like before, Cece. But around here? Our girls aren't the only ones who have sisters.
INT. ALPHA HOUSE/ENTRY HALL - DAY
Cece enters with Rain, Marilee, Janelle, and a HOST OF OTHER SORORITY GIRLS, including Ashley. Each carries an armload of supplies.
CECE: You're the best, all of you. I mean it.
Natalie comes running up to them with a plunger.
NATALIE: There's something wrong with the toilet in the first floor powder room and I can't get a plumber here until tomorrow!
JANELLE: What's wrong with it?
NATALIE: Burrito night.
Cece rolls up her sleeves, a look of grim determination on her face.
CECE: Step aside, I've got this.
JANELLE: Do you have the first clue how to fix a clogged toilet?
CECE: Flush until it’s all better?
Janelle takes the plunger.
JANELLE: I can't let you go in there alone.
INT. ALPHA HOUSE/ENTRY HALL - DAY
Janelle and Cece emerge from the powder room, disheveled and damp but victorious. They high five each other and then look at their hands, which are also wet.
JANELLE: We should go boil these.
CECE: Or burn them. Either way.
Stories I'd Tell in Bars Page 26