Stories I'd Tell in Bars

by Jen Lancaster

  INT. ALPHA HOUSE/KITCHEN - NIGHT

  Rain arranges magnificent daisy bouquets while Loretta puts together hundreds of finger sandwiches.

  INT. ALPHA HOUSE/MAID'S QUARTERS - NIGHT

  Marilee and Edyta competitively fold napkins into origami swans.

  INT. ALPHA HOUSE/LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

  Janelle sits at a piano, playing the chorus to I Will Always Love You, surrounded by a group of Alpha sisters. Natalie and Cece watch in the background.

  JANELLE: Let's try it like this. (singing) And I will always love you, A-l-l-pha. (talking again) Makes sense, yeah? Extending it like that?

  The Alpha sisters nod.

  JANELLE (CONT'D): Then let's take it from the top.

  Cece and Natalie look utterly exhausted, yet calm.

  CECE: We did it. We're ready.

  NATALIE: Our parties are going to be amazing. We couldn't have done it without you.

  CECE: Without me, you wouldn't have had to.

  NATALIE: That's a gray area.

  Natalie nudges Cece with her shoulder.

  NATALIE (CONT'D): I almost forgot. These came for you and the other moms.

  Natalie takes four envelopes out of her pocket and hands them to Cece. ON THE CARD we read -- Something stinks on Greek Row. Meet me at Eli's House of Beans on Monday at 1400 hours. H.S.

  EXT. GREEK ROW/ALPHA HOUSE - DAY

  FIFTY POTENTIAL NEW MEMBERS line up on the sidewalk, giddy, psyched to start the party. Cece opens the front door, then turns to the sisters behind her.

  CECE: Ladies? Showtime.

  INT. ELI'S HOUSE OF BEANS - DAY

  Hayden is making a coffee for Cece, who stands at the counter. The rest of the group -- Marilee, Janelle, Rain, and Mean Helene are already seated. Hayden hands Cece a cup.

  HAYDEN: On the house.

  CECE: You said I had to learn to pay my own way.

  HAYDEN: Consider this an exception.

  CECE: Thanks, sweetie.

  Cece joins the others at the table.

  CECE (CONT'D): I almost didn't make it. I had no idea what time fourteen o'clock was.

  Mean Helene scowls.

  MEAN HELENE: I was just starting to think nice things about you, blondie. Don't blow it.

  RAIN: What's going on, Helene? We never get together. Seriously, never.

  MARILEE: Is this about taking out Mama Shirley at Lambda? 'Cause I could be down.

  Janelle's phone beeps. ON THE SCREEN we see -- a text from Trevor.

  TREVOR (TEXT): Dying to hang out - come over now?

  Her phone beeps again. ON THE SCREEN we see -- another text from Trevor.

  TREVOR (TEXT) (CONT'D): Please??

  Janelle's phone beeps a third time. Mean Helene gives Janelle a look and we see her quickly silence her phone, before placing it in her handbag.

  JANELLE: Sorry. I put it on vibrate. Won't happen again.

  MEAN HELENE: Something's going on with Dean Grace. She's angling for a promotion, at our expense. Looking to clear out Greek Row.

  RAIN: How do you know? Have you been spying on everyone again?

  MEAN HELENE: It's called reconnaissance.

  MARILEE: It's called stalking.

  MEAN HELENE: You won't call it stalking when we're all out of a job.

  RAIN: Why now? Dean Grace hasn't been the Greek system's biggest cheerleader, but she never got in our way before.

  MEAN HELENE: Because she never needed to. Now she's so blinded by ambition that she'll screw over anyone in her path.

  CECE: Been there before.

  MEAN HELENE: We need a preemptive strike. Like my friend Dougie Mac used to say, preparedness is the key to success and victory.

  MARILEE: Dougie Mac? Do you mean General Douglas MacArthur? What the hell war were you in, anyway?

  Mean Helene looks over both shoulders and motions for them to come closer. She begins to whisper.

  Hayden watches the table as all the ladies lean in. She's no longer able to hear what's being said.

  HAYDEN (to herself): My mother has girlfriends. Who knew?

  There's a soccer game playing ON THE TV behind Hayden. The picture cuts in and out. Hayden grabs the remote.

  HAYDEN (CONT'D): Stupid satellite feed.

  She flips to the news and then greets a NEW CUSTOMER at the counter. ON THE TV we see -- the newscaster and then a shot of Luis Guzman.

  NEWSCASTER (O.S.): This just in, suspected Cartagena Cartel kingpin Luis Guzman is one of the inmates who escaped during the New Jersey State Prison riot last night. Guzman is --

  We DRIFT from the television down to Janelle's purse. Her phone is vibrating all over the place.

  ON THE SCREEN we read -- a text from Uncle Pat.

  O'BRIEN (TEXT): 911, CALL ME.

  END OF SHOW