The Sun in Her Eyes

by Paige Toon

  I would be annoyed, but she’s carrying a tray with tea and toast on it. She’s only gone and brought me breakfast in bed.

  ‘Aah!’ I say, touched.

  ‘Move that stuff there, would you,’ she says impatiently, nodding at my bedside table. I reach over and shove everything onto the floor, grinning as she casts her eyes heavenwards. Dad carefully treads across the carpet until he reaches my bed. With a shaking right hand, he hands me a padded envelope.

  ‘This came for you.’

  ‘Thanks, Dad,’ I say with a smile, taking it from him. His grip is, without a doubt, getting stronger.

  Liz sits further down my bed while I open up the package, trying to resist reading the customs form and ruining the surprise. It’s from Ned – I recognise his handwriting.

  I tip a small parcel out onto my palm. It’s wrapped in pale pink tissue paper and tied with a bright pink ribbon. I open it to reveal a beautiful, delicate bracelet made of dozens of gold, silver and bronze strands.

  ‘That’s pretty,’ Liz comments.

  ‘It is,’ I reply, forcing a smile.

  ‘Want me to do it up for you?’ she offers.

  ‘Thanks, but maybe after I’ve had a shower,’ I reply.

  She hands Dad a card and Dad passes it, with some effort, on to me.

  Six fifty-dollar notes flutter from it as I open it. I glance up with surprise to see the look of satisfaction on Liz’s face.

  ‘That’s from your dad and me,’ she says. ‘We thought you could go for a shopping spree today and buy a few rounds of drinks tonight.’

  ‘Thank you so much,’ I respond with heartfelt gratitude, but I vaguely wonder how she imagines I could leave the house for any length of time.

  ‘I’ll be fine for a few hours,’ Dad says, guessing my thoughts.

  I glance at Liz and she nods. ‘It’s probably time we trusted him on his own, wouldn’t you say?’

  He scoffs and rolls his eyes. The sight fills me with joy.

  ‘Sit me in front of that game,’ he says.

  ‘You should be doing your exercises, Len,’ Liz loudly points out.

  I smirk at Dad, and even though his facial muscles are not quite what they were, he does his best to mirror my look.

  The phone rings and Liz jumps up, going to get it while I read the card. Dad’s message is short and sweet, his handwriting only just legible: Darling Amber. Happy Thirtieth Birthday, my sweet girl. I love you. Dad. I glance up at him with tears in my eyes.

  ‘Aw,’ he says fondly.

  I return my attention to the card. Liz’s message simply says: Happy Birthday, Amber. Have a good one. You deserve it. Liz.

  It’s short and to the point, but I know it’s not entirely lacking in sentiment. She’s a funny old thing.

  ‘Yes, she’s right here,’ I hear Liz say as she returns. ‘We’ve just brought her breakfast in bed.’ She laughs. ‘Hang on.’

  She hands the phone over, and for a split second my heart hopes it’s Ethan.

  ‘Hello?’

  ‘Hey,’ Ned says with affection. ‘Happy birthday.’

  ‘Thank you,’ I reply with a smile, irritated at myself for feeling disappointed. ‘I love my bracelet,’ I tell him, noting Dad’s look of indecision. I shake my head at him, trying to convey that he doesn’t need to leave the room.

  ‘Do you?’ he asks hopefully.

  ‘Love it,’ I reiterate.

  ‘I’ve thought about you a lot this week,’ he says.

  ‘Have you?’

  ‘I can’t stop thinking about how I could have lost you.’

  ‘Ned,’ I say quietly, looking down at the bedspread. There’s movement at the end of the bed, but even though I shake my head again at Dad, he gets up anyway.

  ‘I miss you so much,’ Ned says, sounding a little emotional. I watch as Dad shuffles out of my room. ‘It’s not the same without you,’ he adds as the door clicks shut.

  ‘You know I have to be here.’

  ‘Of course I do,’ he says gruffly. ‘I’m so proud of you.’

  Don’t be proud of me. I don’t deserve it.

  ‘I meant everything I said in the card,’ he continues.

  Card? What card? I reach for the padded envelope and peer inside to see a card wedged against the sides. I ease it out.

  ‘I miss you, too,’ I say, and at that precise moment I’m hit with the recurring, vivid image of Ethan inside me, my back pressed up against the rocks. I have a very different reaction to the flashback when my husband is on the other end of the line. Instead of butterflies and weak knees, my eyes widen in shock and I feel a sudden, intense horror. I’ve cheated on Ned!

  ‘Hey, honey, I’d better go,’ I say, my voice wavering.

  Holy shit! I’ve had sex with another man!

  ‘Okay. What are you up to tonight?’ he asks casually.

  ‘I’m going out in the city. Dinner, dancing.’

  ‘Wish I could come,’ he says, seeming to be in no rush to end the call. He’s not usually so forthcoming on the phone. Either he’s trying really hard or he’s genuinely missing me.

  ‘I wish you could, too.’ I take a deep breath. ‘What about you? Any plans for the weekend?’

  ‘I’ll probably go for a couple after work tomorrow evening.’

  ‘Well, you have fun.’

  ‘Do you really have to go?’ His voice sounds slightly husky and I remember that it’s night-time where he is. He’s probably calling me from bed.

  ‘I’ve got a cup of tea and toast going cold beside me.’ I try to inject light-heartedness into my tone.

  He sighs. ‘Okay, then,’ he replies affably. ‘But I will be thinking of you,’ he adds with meaning.

  I laugh and roll my eyes. ‘You do that.’

  ‘Love you, bye,’ he says hastily, and I can practically hear him grinning.

  ‘Bye.’ I smile and hang up, then open his card:

  To my beautiful wife on her thirtieth birthday…

  Seven years on from when we met, I want to tell you how much I love you and how proud I am, not only of everything you’ve achieved, but of everything you’re yet to achieve, and above all, everything you’re doing right now. You’re a wonderful daughter and a fantastic wife. I’m so happy to be spending the rest of my life with you. Here’s to the next seven years!

  Your Ned xxx

  I feel so sick I could throw up.

  Chapter 19

  ‘Oh Amber, what a lovely dress!’ Liz exclaims when I come out of my bedroom that evening wearing the fitted knee-length dress I bought earlier on Norwood Parade. It’s bright red – the same colour as the lipstick I often wear, although I’ve toned down my make-up tonight. I even managed time for a blow-dry at a local hairdresser’s. I didn’t want to go far in case there was an emergency I needed to hurry back for, but Dad promised to keep the phone beside him.

  ‘Thank you,’ I reply with a smile. She’s not usually forthcoming with compliments.

  ‘You look beautiful,’ Dad says. I go and give him a hug.

  ‘Thanks again for the birthday money,’ I say before kissing his cheek. ‘That was so sweet of you both,’ I stress, gazing at Liz.

  ‘Are you not wearing your bracelet?’ she asks.

  ‘Whoops, almost forgot,’ I lie.

  My conscience pricks at me every time I look at it, but I can hardly explain this to Liz, so I retrieve it from my room and allow her to fasten it around my wrist.

  A horn beeps outside on the street.

  ‘That’ll be my taxi,’ I say hurriedly, kissing Dad again.

  ‘Be careful,’ he calls after me.

  ‘I will!’ I shout over my shoulder as I run out the door.

  As soon as I’m safely inside the car, I take off the bracelet and drop it into my purse. I feel like I’m betraying Ned all over again and the guilt is sharp and immediate, but I’d rather endure that than a persistent niggling that lasts all night.

  When I arrive at the Belgium bar, I spy three brightly coloured helium b
alloons in the restaurant section on the other side of the room. I round the corner to see Tina sitting alone at the table.

  She leaps to her feet. ‘HAPPY BIRTHDAY!’ she squeals, throwing her arms around me and bouncing up and down on the spot.

  I can’t help but laugh at her enthusiasm.

  ‘You look gorgeous!’ she cries.

  ‘Thanks. So do you.’

  She’s wearing a black dress and her blonde hair looks even more sleek and shiny than usual. I draw away in time to see a waiter approaching.

  ‘Are you the birthday girl?’ he asks camply.

  I nod bashfully.

  ‘Happy birthday!’ he exclaims. ‘Is it a big one?’

  ‘Thirty,’ I tell him, as Tina points at the numbers practically screaming from the front of the balloons.

  ‘Aah, yes, so I see. What can I get you, Birthday Girl?’

  ‘What are you drinking?’ I ask Tina.

  ‘Fruit beer,’ she replies.

  ‘Go on, then. I’ll have one of those.’

  ‘Your wish is my command,’ the waiter says with a pearly-white grin before sashaying off.

  ‘Where’s Josh?’ I ask, pulling up a seat.

  ‘He and Ethan popped to the pub for a couple beforehand.’

  ‘Ethan is coming?’

  ‘Of course,’ she replies with a perplexed look at my surprised expression. ‘They caught a ride in with Josh’s boss earlier. As if he’d miss your birthday,’ she chides.

  I’m stunned. Never in a million years did I think he’d come. I wasn’t even surprised at his failure to wish me a happy birthday – no card, no phone call, not even a text.

  I wasn’t surprised, but that’s not to say I wasn’t hurt.

  The waiter cannot return soon enough with my drink. I need to get drunk. Very. I don’t know how else I’m going to pull off normality in front of our friends.

  Tina distracts me from my nerves by filling me in on a recent drama at her work, but when Ethan and Josh’s dark heads bob above the wooden canopy separating the bar from the restaurant, I instantly feel so sick and jittery that I could crawl out of my own skin.

  ‘Hey!’ Josh yells happily, coming around my side of the table to plant a big kiss on my cheek.

  ‘Jesus, how much have you had to drink?’ Tina asks reproachfully.

  I don’t hear his reply because Ethan’s eyes have found mine and we’re locked in a stare.

  ‘Happy birthday,’ he says, lightly brushing the edge of his thumb against my jaw. Thankfully he doesn’t kiss me, but his slightest touch is enough to get my heart racing.

  ‘Thanks,’ I reply, blushing madly. I take a big gulp of my drink and hope no one notices as he and Josh sit down opposite us.

  Tina was right. They both look like they’ve had a few.

  Ethan places a white paper bag on the table and slides it towards me.

  ‘What’s this?’ I ask.

  ‘For you,’ he replies, his green eyes appearing remarkably steady.

  I don’t know how to do this. How can I act like nothing has happened?

  I look inside the bag and pull out a bottle of red wine. It’s slightly larger and more elegantly shaped than a normal wine bottle. It’s also surprisingly heavy and, instead of a label, the thick glass has been etched with a beautiful drawing of grapevines growing beside a crooked creek.

  ‘Is that one of your ultra premium reds?’ Josh asks with amazement, leaning across the table.

  ‘What’s that?’ Tina asks.

  ‘They’re, like, a hundred bucks a bottle, or something, aren’t they, mate?’ Josh chips in.

  Ethan shrugs. ‘We had an exceptionally good year.’

  ‘I don’t know if I’m worthy of this,’ I say, feeling embarrassed as I glance up at him. He raises his eyebrows at me. ‘I feel like I should have a cellar to put it in.’

  ‘Christ, no,’ he brushes me off. ‘Drink it with your dad… Or someone.’

  Or someone? What, like my husband?

  ‘Well, thank you,’ I say with sincerity, slyly checking the paper bag to make sure there’s no card inside. There isn’t, which is both a relief and a disappointment at one and the same time. I slide the bottle back into the bag and put it down by my feet.

  ‘Well, if we’re doing presents, here’s one from us,’ Tina says, handing over a bright blue parcel, wrapped with a yellow ribbon. It contains a beautiful, mustard-yellow cashmere scarf.

  ‘I thought it would go well with your hair,’ she says.

  ‘I love it, thank you,’ I reply warmly, giving her a kiss on her cheek. A moment later, Nell and George appear, and our table of six is complete.

  It’s a lovely dinner and everyone is on good form, but I can’t say that I ever feel relaxed. I keep worrying I’ll accidentally brush Ethan’s foot underneath the table, but it seems he’s making as much effort as I am to keep his feet tucked under his chair.

  Our waiter brings out a cake, organised by Tina, and I’m sure I must turn as red as my dress as the whole restaurant joins in on a rendition of ‘Happy Birthday’.

  Eventually we pile out onto the street, me clutching three helium balloons in my hand. I’m too tipsy to be embarrassed, so that can only be a good thing.

  ‘Where shall we go now?’ Nell asks.

  ‘How about Clever Little Tailor on Peel Street?’ Josh suggests.

  ‘Too far!’ Tina exclaims.

  ‘We’ll stop on the way,’ I suggest.

  This meets with everyone’s approval.

  Ethan offers to carry the bag with my presents in it, so Tina and Nell hook their arms through mine as we traipse merrily through the streets of Adelaide, just like we did when we were teenagers.

  At one point I glance back at Ethan and catch his eye. He returns my smile and continues chatting amiably to George. Perhaps we can put aside what happened at the weekend. Perhaps we can revert to being just friends. He urged me to try to forget, not to let guilt taint my relationship with Ned. Well, perhaps it’s possible to prevent it from destroying our friendship, too.

  For the first time since Sunday, I’m hopeful that we can move on from this.

  An hour or so later, my philosophical musings have run off at a tangent. I’m sitting at the bar with Nell and Tina, but I’m not entirely focused on our conversation. Ethan is standing a few metres away with his back to us, talking to Josh and George. I find my eyes travelling along his broad shoulders and resting on the nape of his neck.

  Could it have been a good thing that we had sex? Was it just what I needed to get over him?

  ‘Amber?’ Nell interrupts my thoughts.

  ‘Yes?’

  ‘Are you listening to me?’

  Whoops. ‘Sorry, no.’ I shake my head abruptly. ‘I was in another world. What were you saying?’

  ‘I was asking if you wanted to move on to a club? I’ve got to work tomorrow, so I’m afraid I can’t stay out for too much longer.’

  ‘Come on,’ Tina urges me. ‘I feel like dancing, don’t you?’

  ‘Yeah.’ I jump up from my seat with sudden determination. ‘I do.’

  I walk over to Ethan and tap him on his shoulder. He swivels round to face me, staring down with quizzical green eyes.

  ‘We’re going to a club. Coming?’

  He nods. ‘I’ll just finish my beer.’ He tilts the bottle back and I stare, oddly mesmerised, at his Adam’s apple bobbing up and down. The corners of his lips quirk up and I come to with a start to see that his eyes are fixed on mine.

  ‘Okay?’ he asks, leaning past me to plonk his empty bottle on the bar top. I jerk as his left hand rests on my hip.

  ‘Y-yes,’ I stutter. Just when I thought I had it all sussed out…

  The club is stuffy and crowded, but we’re drunk enough not to care. Tina and Nell drag me straight onto the dance floor while Josh, Ethan and George go to the bar.

  A few dances later, we give up fending off an inexhaustible number of blokes on the pull and go to find the boys.

  ‘
Here you go.’ Ethan plants a vodka and cranberry juice in my hands.

  ‘Cheers,’ I say, chinking his glass and turning to do the same to everyone else. ‘Thanks for tonight!’ I shout.

  ‘It’s not over yet!’ Tina shouts back. ‘Oh my God, I love this song!’

  ‘No!’ I say firmly. ‘I need to cool down.’

  ‘Nell?’ she begs. ‘Nelly Bell—’

  ‘Don’t you dare!’ Nell cuts her off. ‘Last one, though. I really have to go.’ She smiles at George and he nods.

  I turn to face Ethan, sipping my drink through a straw as I look up at him.

  ‘Having fun?’ he asks with amusement. Josh and George are engrossed in a conversation to my left.

  ‘Yeah.’ I smile at him.

  I’m still attracted to him. I wish I could say that I wasn’t. I just have to learn how to control it.

  ‘Thanks for coming,’ I say.

  I don’t speak loudly enough because he tilts his head to one side and bends down towards me. ‘What did you say?’ he asks.

  I edge closer. ‘I said thanks for coming.’

  He nods.

  ‘I was sure you wouldn’t,’ I add boldly.

  His mouth brushes against my ear when he speaks. ‘You think too highly of me.’

  I glance at him, puzzled. ‘I don’t understand.’

  He leans in again, his breath making me shiver. ‘A better man would have stayed away.’ He withdraws and gives me a meaningful look.

  Blood rushes into my face. His eyes are dark and full of intensity. My gaze drops to his lips.

  ‘Not here,’ he says roughly, a split second before our mouths connect. He takes my hand, tugging me with purpose through the crowd, and it’s all I can do not to stumble and trip as I hurry after him. When we reach the deepest, darkest depths of the club, he turns and pulls me against him.

  We kiss fervently, heatedly, deliriously.

  ‘I can’t stop thinking about you,’ he grates against my lips.

  ‘Nor me.’

  ‘This is bad,’ he murmurs. ‘So bad.’

  But it feels so good…

  I fist his T-shirt in my hands and try to pull him closer, but he goes one step further, pushing me up against the wall and pressing his lips to my neck.