The Sun in Her Eyes

by Paige Toon

  ‘Don’t be ridiculous,’ he mutters. ‘You can’t buy two copies of the same book.’

  ‘Why not?’

  ‘We’re not made of money.’

  ‘You’re not doing too badly for yourself,’ I tease. ‘And if you get that job at KDW, you’ll get a massive pay rise.’

  He went for an interview last week at a brilliant up-and-coming advertising agency in Soho. He really liked the Executive Creative Director who interviewed him – Max, I think his name was. I’m sure the whole thing went well, even though he’s playing it down. If he gets the job, he’ll need to give three months’ notice at his current position, and KDW have said they want someone to start as soon as possible.

  ‘If,’ he replies, predictably. ‘But I thought we were going to try to save for a deposit to buy something together.’

  Recently we’ve been talking about the future.

  ‘Sorry I’m not earning more,’ I say dolefully.

  He puts his book on the bed and turns to look at me. ‘Never say that.’

  ‘It’s true,’ I reply with a little shrug.

  ‘I love that you’re a teacher,’ he says sincerely, propping himself up on one elbow.

  ‘Why?’ I ask.

  ‘You’re doing good. Helping all those kids, just like your dad’s done for years. I’m really proud of you wanting to take after him. Not like me; I work in soulless advertising,’ he points out glumly.

  ‘Well, I’m really proud of you, too,’ I say with a smile. ‘I mean, wow, look where we are.’

  We take a moment to gaze at the large, airy room, the white-painted wooden shutters cracked open just enough to show the swing on the balcony outside and the tropical trees swaying beyond. It’s night-time and they’re lit with green lights from below. It’s not that late, but Ned has to be up early in the morning for the scuba-diving shoot.

  ‘This place is pretty shit-hot,’ he agrees, grinning at me.

  I tilt my face up to him and he kisses me tenderly before turning back to his book.

  I let out a heavy sigh.

  ‘Bloody hell,’ he mutters, glancing at me. ‘Do you want me to rip the book in half?’

  I’m still contemplating this when he sits up in bed and yanks with all his might. I cringe as the book starts to give way, the spine tearing and a few pages with it. He chucks me the first half.

  ‘There,’ he says.

  I burst out laughing and open my half at the first page, beginning to read, while he chuckles under his breath and carries on where he was.

  The next morning, Ned wakes me up early and persuades me to come on the scuba-diving shoot with him. The dive company is based a couple of keys away, and we have to be there at six a.m. if we want ideal conditions. Ned has arranged for a minibus to take us, the film, hair and make-up crew, and the models, the last of whom consist of three ridiculously gorgeous guys and two stunning girls. I feel very pale and insignificant in comparison, especially this early in the morning. Saying that, they all look knackered, but at least they’ve got professional make-up artists on hand to sort them out.

  There’s a lot of waiting around once we get to the dive place, but eventually, everyone is made up, suited and booted and we’re on the boat and on our way. I occupy myself watching my gorgeous boyfriend direct the shoot. It’s astonishing to me how someone so young – he’s only twenty-eight – can command so much respect. He’s so competent, so smart, so good at his job… I’m majorly impressed with him.

  Frankly, if KDW don’t want to wait three months for him to start, they’re idiots.

  As the morning wears on, I begin to wish I’d brought my half of the book with me. Most of the action is taking place underwater – even Ned is down there a lot of the time. I stay out of the way on the boat because it’s pretty crowded up here with caterers, hair and make-up people and models who are waiting their turn to get in front of the camera.

  When lunch comes around, it’s a welcome break, but Ned seems preoccupied.

  ‘Are you okay?’ I murmur as he tucks into his sandwich and stares out of the boat at the distant horizon.

  ‘Yeah, yeah,’ he replies, brushing me off. ‘Fine, why?’

  ‘You’re lost in your thoughts.’

  ‘Am I?’ He sounds nervous when he laughs. ‘Sorry, I’m just a bit distracted.’

  He glances at one of the female models prancing about in a skimpy blue bikini. Does she really have to flaunt her figure like that?

  ‘Can’t she put on a kaftan or something?’ I mutter.

  In his line of work, Ned often has to mingle with models – something I’ve always been a bit insecure about. I was pretty jealous when he flew out for the casting a couple of weeks ago in Miami – they’re using American models for the shoot – but I keep having to remind myself that he wouldn’t have made it possible for me to come with him if he was interested in anyone but me.

  He glances at me and cocks one eyebrow in amusement. ‘You think that doesn’t make me feel inadequate?’ He jerks his head in the direction of one of the two dive masters on board, a tall, dark-haired Latin-American hottie called Leo, whose wetsuit has been stripped down to reveal a tanned, ripped chest.

  ‘I’d take your body over his any day,’ I whisper.

  ‘Would you?’ he asks with interest.

  I give him a ‘duh’ look. ‘Of course I would, you dickhead.’

  ‘I love the way you talk to me,’ he says with a grin, standing up.

  ‘Do you have to go already?’ I can’t help but feel disappointed.

  He checks his watch. ‘We’ll get this knocked off in the next couple of hours and then I’ll take you out to dinner.’

  ‘Okay.’ I return his smile, but I feel bereft as he goes to speak to the crew. Would a tiny peck on the lips really go amiss?

  Two hours later, right on cue, the final model pops his head above the water.

  Ned barely looks at me as everyone gets dried off and dressed, and then the second of the two dive masters, Jorge, exclaims, ‘Look what I found!’

  His tone strikes me as oddly exuberant, but I dismiss my thoughts as I watch Ned stride purposefully over to him. ‘Look!’ Jorge says, and I swear his eyes dart towards me as he holds up what appears to be a shell.

  ‘Cool!’ Ned replies.

  ‘An oyster shell!’ Jorge says loudly. ‘Give it to your girlfriend, if you like,’ he suggests, and again, there’s something not quite normal about the way he speaks.

  ‘I will, thanks,’ Ned replies, glancing my way and smiling.

  As he walks towards me from one end of the dive boat to the other, I become aware that the entire crew and all the models are watching.

  What on earth is going on?

  ‘Here, Amber,’ Ned says in a weird, slightly affected voice. ‘Jorge found this shell on the reef.’

  I warily take the shell from him and give him a funny look. What’s he playing at?

  ‘Open it,’ he urges.

  ‘Maybe there’s a pearl inside!’ Jorge calls.

  With a frown, I lift the top of the shell, and there, within its pearly smooth interior, lies a diamond ring. I’m so shocked, I almost send it flying. My eyes fill with tears as Ned solemnly drops to one knee. To the sound of a chorus of ‘AAAHHHs’ from everyone on the boat, he speaks:

  ‘Amber Church, I love you so much. Please will you do me the honour of becoming my wife?’

  I throw my arms around him and hug him tightly, still clutching the ring in my right hand. I’m laughing and crying as I reply. ‘Of course I will, you idiot.’

  He pulls away as the others cheer and catcall in the background. ‘I love the way you talk to me,’ he says with a grin.

  Chapter 36

  ‘Are you doing anything today?’ Tina asks eagerly. It’s eleven o’clock and I’ve only just managed to shower, dress and put make-up on my puffy face.

  ‘Er, no, but—’

  ‘Can you come and meet me for lunch?’ she interrupts.

  ‘Um…’

>   ‘Come on! Nell is coming, too. She said she could drop by and pick you up in half an hour. Please, please, please?’

  ‘What’s up?’ I almost laugh, but not quite.

  ‘Come and meet me for lunch and I’ll tell you.’

  I can’t help but smile. It sounds like she’s got good news, and I can only guess what it is.

  An hour later, Nell and I are driving into Hahndorf, a pretty, touristy town, and Australia’s oldest surviving German settlement. We park in the car park and walk around the corner to the Hahndorf Inn, where Tina – and Josh – have nabbed a table outside in the sunshine.

  ‘Hello,’ I say with a mischievous grin. Tina mirrors my look as she gets out from behind the table. ‘What’s all this about, then?’ I prompt, and a split second later her diamond has been shoved in our faces.

  Much squealing ensues.

  ‘Oh my God, how, when, what, why, who?’ Nell cries, making me laugh.

  ‘Who? I should think she’s getting married to Josh,’ I point out, giggling at the cheeky grin he gives me. ‘And the why is obvious,’ I add as Josh gets up. ‘You guys are perfect together.’ I give him a hug and plant a kiss on his cheek.

  ‘What’s this about, then?’

  I’m momentarily paralysed by the sound of Ethan’s voice. Tina didn’t say he was coming.

  ‘He popped the question at last!’ Tina exclaims, throwing her arms around Ethan. Josh stares at the sky good-naturedly.

  ‘Hey, congratulations,’ Ethan responds warmly, extracting himself from Tina’s embrace so he can shake Josh’s hand.

  ‘How did he propose?’ Nell squeaks.

  ‘Sit down and I’ll tell you,’ Tina replies with a giggle as she slides back onto her bench seat. Nell slides in opposite her, and Josh returns to sit beside his new fiancée.

  ‘Hi,’ Ethan says in my ear, making me stiffen.

  ‘Hi.’ I cast him a cautious look and slide in next to Nell.

  We don’t touch, let alone hug or kiss.

  ‘Drink?’ he asks everyone at the table.

  ‘We’ve got that sorted, mate,’ Josh says, indicating the champagne bottle on ice on the table.

  ‘Nice one.’

  He sits down beside me and I tense up even further.

  His baby is growing inside me.

  Oh, why did I even think that?

  I jump as his hand touches my thigh and gives it a quick squeeze.

  What was that about? Was that supposed to be comforting? I feel so on edge. Is my face flushed?

  Josh pops the champagne cork and Tina and Nell cheer. I jolt, inwardly chastising myself for not being in the moment with them. I plaster a smile onto my face and graciously accept the champagne glass Tina hands me. Then we raise a toast to our friends.

  Josh proposed to Tina last night at the top of Mount Lofty where Ethan and I went only a couple of weeks ago. He got down on bended knee and Tina cried. He’d bought the diamond solitaire a week ago and was just waiting for the right time to give it to her.

  ‘I was in no way caving to pressure,’ Josh tells us with a smile, glancing lovingly at the woman by his side. ‘I’ve known for years you’re the girl for me.’

  Tina’s eyes mist over and Nell and I cry, ‘Aw!’ then Josh plants a kiss on his fiancée’s lips.

  ‘I’d love you both to be my bridesmaids,’ Tina says. ‘I don’t know if you’ll be able to come back for the wedding, Amber, but I hope so.’

  ‘When do you think it will be?’ I ask shakily. I’ll still be here, at this rate.

  ‘We’re thinking summer, possibly December.’

  I nod and then freeze. Holy shit. Will I be having a baby then?

  ‘Oh, gosh,’ I say, fanning my hand in front of my face. ‘Excuse me, Ethan, can I just duck to the loo?’

  I say it in as casual a manner as I can, but as soon as I’m inside the pub I’m racing to the toilets. I lock the cubicle and fall to my knees, retching into the toilet bowl. I retch and retch, but nothing comes up. Eventually I sit back on my heels in horror. Where are we? April. April, May, June… I count out the months on my fingers. I am due in December.

  I bend forward and retch again.

  ‘Amber? Are you okay?’ Nell’s sweet voice rings out.

  ‘I’m a bit unwell, sorry,’ I reply. Please go away.

  ‘What’s wrong?’ she asks in confusion.

  ‘I don’t know,’ I fib. ‘I think a sick bug has been going around. I hope I haven’t passed it on to anyone.’

  ‘Oh dear,’ she murmurs. ‘I’m sorry. Do you want me to take you home?’

  ‘No, no, I’ll call a taxi,’ I tell her, wiping my mouth with a tissue. ‘In fact, would you mind calling one for me? I might just hang here for a bit.’

  ‘Of course I can. Are you sure you don’t want me to take you home?’

  ‘No, honestly, it’s fine. You should stay and celebrate.’

  I feel bad for Tina and Josh. Not only have I put a dampener on their engagement announcement, but also they’ll be worried that what I’ve got is catching.

  After a few more minutes, I stand up and venture outside the cubicle. Hanging my head in shame, I return to the table.

  ‘Oh Amber!’ Tina exclaims with dismay. ‘Are you okay?’

  ‘I’m so sorry,’ I reply, shaking my head.

  ‘Don’t be silly! Were you feeling ill earlier? You should have told me, I wouldn’t have made you come.’

  ‘Are you sure about that?’ Josh interjects drily.

  Tina shrugs, shamefaced. ‘Well, I might’ve still dragged you here.’

  ‘Damn right you would have,’ Josh concurs.

  Ethan stands up, presumably to make room for me.

  ‘I won’t sit back down,’ I tell him hurriedly. ‘I’ll wait for the taxi here.’

  ‘I’m dropping you home,’ he states, edging out from the table.

  ‘You don’t need to,’ I reply quickly, surprised.

  ‘He insisted,’ Nell tells me.

  ‘I have to get back to work soon, anyway. It’s fine,’ he says calmly, steadily meeting my eyes. He’s working on Easter Monday? It’s all go during harvest, that’s for sure.

  I take a shaky breath. ‘Okay. Bye, everyone. So sorry again.’

  Another series of apologies and reassurances is exchanged before we take our leave. I walk with Ethan to the car park behind the pub.

  ‘Thank you,’ I breathe.

  He doesn’t reply. In fact, we don’t speak at all for the first few minutes of our journey. I just stare miserably out of the window, occasionally hearing his heavy sigh. He’s the first to break the silence.

  ‘I’ve been thinking…’

  I glance at him and he clears his throat, casting me a guarded look.

  ‘Go on,’ I encourage.

  ‘It’s just that this seems very, very early to be having morning sickness.’ He pauses. ‘Are you sure it’s mine?’

  ‘Good try,’ I reply drily. ‘But I had my period last month. And anyway, I think I remember feeling queasy early on in my last pregnancy, too. Everyone’s different.’

  He thinks for a moment. ‘Well, maybe you should do another test, anyway, to be sure. Aren’t there digital ones that tell you how pregnant you are, or something?’

  I nod. ‘I was planning on doing one of those as soon as I can get to a flippin’ chemist that’s open.’ Maybe I should just go to the doctor.

  ‘Have you thought any more about what you’re going to do?’ he asks carefully.

  ‘No,’ I reply through gritted teeth.

  ‘We have to talk about this,’ he says. ‘A, we have to.’

  ‘What?’ I raise my voice. ‘What do you want to say exactly?’

  He sighs and pulls off the road. I fold my arms in front of my chest and hug myself in an attempt to bring comfort. The gesture fails. He switches off the engine and swivels to face me.

  ‘Amber,’ he says softly. ‘Amber, look at me.’

  I hesitantly do as he asks. His dark-green eyes ar
e brimming with concern. I try to swallow the lump in my throat, but it’s no use.

  ‘I don’t want another baby, A .’

  I crumble, my whole body beginning to shake with silent sobs.

  ‘I’m so sorry,’ he says. ‘You know I love you, but the timing of this… It’s just wrong.’

  ‘No, really?’ I cry sarcastically, my sobs cutting short as I stare at him.

  ‘I don’t want to put pressure on you—’

  ‘HA!’ I exclaim.

  He hesitates, looking down at my lap before continuing quietly, ‘It would be remiss of me not to tell you how I feel. You’ve got choices to make and you need to be informed.’

  Jesus, has he rehearsed this?

  ‘The way I see it, you’ve got three options. One, you can have an abortion.’

  I gulp back a sob and hug myself harder.

  ‘No one would ever have to know,’ he says gently. ‘You could go back to England and Ned would be none the wiser.’

  I stare out of the window again. I can’t believe we’re having this conversation.

  ‘Two, you can keep it. You tell Ned the truth. Maybe he’ll forgive you.’

  I scoff. Unbloodylikely.

  ‘Either way, I’d be happy to give you financial support,’ he says.

  ‘That’s big of you,’ I chip in bitterly.

  Ethan carries on as though I haven’t spoken. ‘But my guess is that Ned wouldn’t want my help if he chooses to raise the baby himself.’

  ‘I think that’s a pretty smart guess,’ I say sardonically. ‘But trust me, we’ll be done the moment he finds out about this.’

  ‘Three, you can keep it,’ he says, pausing for so long that I dare to look at him; dare to hope. ‘You could pretend it’s Ned’s.’

  I’m so stunned, I’m rendered completely speechless. A moment later, my anger kicks in. No, anger is too small a word. Fury… Rage… Uncontrollable rage…

  ‘You bastard!’ I spit, beyond disgusted. I yank at the door and shove it open. He reaches for me as I unclick my seat belt, but I violently shake him off and climb out of the car. ‘You bastard!’ I scream as he gets out and looks at me jadedly.

  ‘Okay. Okay,’ he says, putting his hands up. ‘Three is not an option. Fine.’