by Paige Toon
Eventually my name is called, but in the relative privacy of the room, my nerves don’t dissipate.
The sonographer asks me to go behind a curtain and undress from the waist down, and then to climb onto the recliner chair. I do as she asks, covering myself with the blanket provided.
I was expecting an ultrasound like the last time, so I’m a little shocked to discover that this is a vaginal scan for the earlier stages of pregnancy. The transducer is a long, thin device and I try to relax as the sonographer inserts it into me. It’s not uncomfortable.
‘Okay,’ she says, staring at the screen in front of her. ‘There’s some uncertainty about the date of your last period, correct?’ she asks me.
‘Yes. According to the doctor, I could be either five weeks pregnant or nine weeks pregnant,’ I tell her, my voice sounding shaky.
Ethan’s or Ned’s, Ethan’s or Ned’s.
‘Well, you’re not five weeks,’ she says, and a spark that’s been burning dimly inside my stomach explodes into flame-torch proportions as she turns the screen to face me. ‘You see that heartbeat, there?’ She points at a tiny dot, which pulses and flickers rapidly from within a large, curved grey blob. Is that my baby’s head and body? ‘I would say you’re nine weeks easily.’
I lose it completely. The relief and happiness I feel is indescribable, and I burst into tears while the sonographer looks on with a mixture of alarm and amusement, the transducer still inserted.
This baby is Ned’s. My husband’s. I didn’t screw it up after all. Well, I did, and I still have a lot of bridges to build, but I am beside myself.
Being pregnant with Ned’s baby seemed so unlikely – aside from my period, or what I thought was my period, nights of passion between us were few and far between. I can hardly believe this outcome. It feels nothing short of a miracle.
I let go, and with a river of tears still flowing down my cheeks, I begin to laugh – with utter relief, but above all elation.
I’m still crying with relief as I leave the building, not caring about the looks I’m receiving. I’m the happiest person in the world right now. The only thing that will make this better is seeing my husband.
Oh Ned. I’m so glad he’s coming now. Ecstatic is too small a word. I feel so much regret about everything I’ve done. Somehow, I have to make it up to him. I don’t know how I’m going to get through the next three hours until his flight lands.
Will I tell him what I’ve done?
The thought is instantly sobering. Could our marriage be over anyway? Would he ever forgive me for cheating on him with Ethan?
Suddenly Ned’s flight is landing too soon. On the one hand I’m desperate to see him and share the news about our baby. Our baby! I feel another rush of joy, but it’s quickly stifled, because on the other hand, I have only three hours to decide whether or not to come clean.
I can’t return home in this state because I’ll be fending off questions from Dad and Liz, so I decide to go for a drive to clear my mind instead. Somehow, I find myself heading up into the hills towards Ethan’s house.
I should tell him that the baby isn’t his. He has a right to know, even if a part of me wants him to suffer for a bit longer.
But that’s cruel. On impulse, I decide to go and see him.
I call when I’m nearby, not expecting him to answer, so I’m surprised when he does.
‘Are you at work?’ I ask.
‘I’m at home,’ he replies. ‘Sadie’s home,’ he clarifies, as I place my foot on the brake. Sadie lives in the other direction from where I’m going.
‘Can you get away for ten minutes?’ I ask hesitantly. ‘I need to see you.’
‘I got your message,’ he replies. He sounds on edge. ‘Ned’s on his way?’
‘Yes,’ I confirm. ‘I’m near Sadie’s now. Can I come by? I’ll drop you back afterwards.’
He hesitates for a moment before answering. ‘Okay. Sure.’
‘I’ll be with you in five minutes,’ I say, hanging up and doing a U-turn. I hope he keeps an eye out for me. I don’t want to face Sadie in this state.
Luckily, he comes out of the front door moments after I arrive. He’s wearing a long-sleeved black T-shirt and dark denim jeans, and his green eyes regard me warily as he strides towards the car. He opens the door and folds himself into the passenger seat, glancing across at me as I put the car in reverse and pull out of the drive.
As I turn down a small, deserted road, I’m reminded of the third time we made love – in the back of his car, after he took me to Mount Lofty.
I shudder at the term I used. I may have loved him, but the feeling was never mutual. And I’m certain beyond a doubt that I don’t love him anymore.
I pull over on the side of the road and turn to meet his questioning stare.
‘I’ve just come back from the hospital,’ I say, noticing his sharp intake of breath. ‘I am pregnant,’ I confirm, and then I smile. ‘Nine weeks.’
His eyes widen. ‘So that means… That means it’s Ned’s?’
I nod. ‘Yes.’
He sags into his seat, the tension draining from his body, and I don’t hold his look of overwhelming relief against him. I feel the same myself.
‘Thank God!’ he vents, staring out of the window and raking his hand through his dark hair. ‘Are you sure?’ he asks. ‘You’re absolutely certain? I mean, I thought you and he weren’t getting on that well. Did you—’
‘Yes, we did,’ I interrupt. ‘It’s true that we’ve been struggling lately, but there have been moments when we connected. The baby is definitely his.’
‘Oh, thank God!’ he says again.
To think that I loved this boy – this man – for so many years. Now I feel oddly disconnected from him.
‘Amber…’ He glances at me, remorse carved into his features. ‘I’m so sorry about everything.’
‘Me too,’ I reply quietly.
This is it, now. I know that I am letting him go. I won’t see him again, and I don’t want to.
‘I hope everything works out for you,’ I say, feeling strangely surreal. ‘Do you think you’ll get back together with Sadie?’ I’m curious as to why he was there today.
He shakes his head. ‘No. We’re just trying to iron out the divorce. She’ll no doubt take me for everything,’ he says bitterly.
‘I’m sure you’ll be okay,’ I murmur. I’m afraid my sympathy is buried a little too deep. I put my hand on the gearstick, ready to drive him home, but Ethan reaches over and takes my hand.
‘I do love you, you know,’ he says, giving it a squeeze. My eyes brim with tears as I glance at him. ‘Maybe we could have made a go of this.’
I gently extricate my hand and shake my head. ‘I don’t think so, Ethan. I’m in love with Ned. What I thought I felt for you pales in significance compared to that.’ My insides begin to simmer until they’re bubbling over with joy and warmth. What I feel for Ned is real, concrete. And it’s reciprocated. We’ve both said that we think we fell in love the night we met, but seven years on we still have a lot of work to do. But I do want, so badly, for us to last the distance. I hope that he does, too. I know he does. He wouldn’t be flying all this way to see me if he didn’t.
I quickly check my watch. ‘I’ve got to go,’ I say in a rush, my face breaking into a grin. ‘Ned’s landing soon.’
‘Will you tell him about us?’ he asks, and I feel another outbreak of nerves.
‘I don’t know,’ I reply honestly. ‘I haven’t decided yet. I don’t want to lose him.’
‘Then don’t tell him,’ he says simply.
It’s not that simple.
We drive back to Sadie’s in silence and, as I pull up on the drive, I’m jittery with anticipation about seeing my husband.
‘Bye, Ethan,’ I say with a small smile, eager to get going to the airport.
He reaches across and wraps his arm around my neck, pulling me in for a not-entirely-welcome hug, but I don’t stop him. It will be the last time we do this
.
‘Bye, A.’ He sounds choked, and maybe he, too, realises that this is the end. We may never see each other again.
He presses his lips to my cheek and I close my eyes, fighting back tears as I unexpectedly find myself in the moment. ‘Look after yourself,’ he murmurs into my ear. He tenderly places his hand on my stomach and I gulp back a sudden sob. ‘I know you’ll be a great mum.’
I clasp him tightly as tears run down my cheeks and then we instantaneously release each other. I don’t wait for him to reach the door before I reverse out of the driveway, and I don’t look back as I drive away.
I’m done with looking back.
Chapter 41
I’m crazily nervous as I wait in the Arrivals hall at Adelaide Airport. I got here early, to be on the safe side, but Ned has to clear immigration and collect his bags before coming through customs, so I could be waiting a while. It doesn’t matter, though. There’s no place I’d rather be.
When people start filing through the double doors, looking worse for wear after a long inter-continental flight, I feel jumpy, expecting to see Ned come through at any minute. I must watch about two dozen people pass through before he suddenly appears, looking knackered, his sandy hair sticking up every which way and his shirt dishevelled and crumpled. To be honest, he doesn’t look all that different to normal and my heart swells as I rush along the line of people to greet him at the end.
He catches sight of me as he moves, his face breaking into an enormous grin as he takes in my elated mood, and then we’re in each other’s arms and I can scarcely breathe.
‘I love you, I love you, I love you,’ I say, over and over again, as we hug each other tightly. He pulls away and kisses me hard on the lips, then kisses me again, softly.
‘I love you, too,’ he says, suddenly serious.
And then someone bumps into my ankles with their trolley and I jump and curse. Damn, that hurt as much as it did the last time!
‘Watch it with my wife, would you?’ Ned snaps at the young guy responsible.
‘Sorry!’ he apologises as he passes.
‘Let’s get out of the way,’ I urge, and Ned grabs his suitcase by its handle and wheels it along. I grin goofily at him and he mirrors my expression.
‘Are you pleased to see me?’ he asks, his hazel eyes twinkling, despite the fact that he looks pale-faced and drawn. Has he lost weight?
‘Very,’ I reply, sudden emotion making my throat swell and my smile waver.
His smile fades, too, until he’s regarding me with concern. ‘Are you okay?’ he asks seriously.
‘Let’s talk in the car,’ I reply, endeavouring to walk the rest of the way in silence.
I’m buggered if I’m going to break it to him that I’m pregnant at an airport full of strangers.
I still haven’t decided what else to tell him, but whatever it is can wait. First things first.
We reach Dad’s car in the multi-storey car park, but this doesn’t feel like a fitting location to break the news, either. The beach is only a short drive west of here: perfect.
‘How was your flight?’ I ask, kicking off the small talk as we set off. We have a strained conversation about mundane things, but I can’t help but notice that he looks on edge. I wonder if he’s got things he wants to discuss, too. The thought makes me feel uneasy. I’m tempted to pull over on the side of the road in front of the charcoal chicken shop – who really cares about fitting locations? – but then I see the blue ocean shimmering up ahead and decide to stick to the plan.
Parking in a bay, I glance at him. ‘Let’s go for a walk,’ I suggest, reaching for the door handle.
‘God, Amber,’ he erupts. ‘I can’t wait much longer to hear what you have to say.’
‘It’s nothing bad,’ I promise, my brow creasing at the thought that he’s been feeling anxious this entire time.
‘Are you sure?’ he asks.
Ethan flits through my mind, but I steel my resolve. This is about us.
‘Yes,’ I fib, my conscience pricking me. ‘Come on.’
I take his hand as we wander down the steep path to the long stretch of sandy beach. We don’t go far before I pull him to a sitting position. He gives me a circumspect look and I come right out with it.
‘I’m pregnant.’
His eyes widen and his mouth curls upwards simultaneously, and then I’m in his arms being crushed again.
‘Nine weeks!’ I tell him, laughing as he pushes me backwards onto the sand and proceeds to kiss every inch of my face.
‘How long have you known?’ he demands to know, retreating enough to gaze at me.
‘Only a few days,’ I reply as we sit back up again. ‘I went for a scan this morning.’
‘You’ve already been for a scan?’
‘I wanted to be sure everything was okay,’ I reply.
‘And is it?’ He looks worried.
‘Yes.’ I nod. ‘I saw the heart beating and everything.’
‘Oh God,’ he says. ‘Are you happy?’ He searches my face.
‘Yes.’ I nod rapidly, tears springing up again. And to think Liz said I don’t do crying, I think with mild amusement.
‘You look…’ He scans my body. ‘You look like you’ve lost weight, not put it on.’
‘Soon I’ll be piling it on for both of us,’ I remind him with a smile. ‘I’ve had a bit of morning sickness,’ I explain. ‘Anyway, you can talk, what’s your excuse?’
‘I’ve been miserable without you,’ he says.
‘Aw.’ I lean forward and kiss his cheek, loving him so much in that moment that it’s almost physically painful. He turns his face so our lips meet.
Our kiss is so sweet that it makes the blood sing in my veins.
‘I love you so much,’ he says.
‘I love you, too,’ I reply. ‘I’m so sorry about everything. This past year… It’s been hell.’
‘I know.’ He puts his arm around me and draws me to his chest. We stare out at the ocean. ‘I’m sorry, too. I haven’t been there for you. I’ve been so caught up in my job, and all that shit with Zara didn’t help.’ He breathes in sharply and I tense at the same time.
‘Don’t worry about it,’ I say, knowing I’m about as far from a martyr as you could get. ‘We don’t have to dwell on it.’
‘Don’t we?’ he asks with surprise, retreating to glance at me.
‘No.’ I shake my head resolutely, but I can’t bring myself to meet his eyes. ‘I’ve done plenty I’m not proud of.’ I feel a sudden surge of panic. Should I really be going down this road, yet?
He shakes his head and stares at the ocean. ‘I don’t want to dwell on the past year, Amber. We’ve both said and done things we’re not proud of. Christ, I still can’t believe you mentioned divorce—’
‘Neither can I,’ I interrupt quickly. ‘I didn’t mean it. I really didn’t mean it. I was in a very weird place, and I’m so, so sorry.’
He gives me a squeeze. ‘I just want everything to be okay now. I want us to be good parents for this baby.’
‘Me too.’ My eyes are swimming as I reply, and a couple of tears break free and roll down my face as we kiss. I’m reminded of our first summer, when we were deeply in love, before life got complicated. I pour everything I feel into this one kiss and hope that it can in some minuscule way begin to make up for the things I’ve done. I may still confess my sins to him in the future, but not yet. Right now I just want to envelop our unborn child in the love of its parents.
Chapter 42
‘Ned!’ Dad exclaims, hobbling on his stick in the hallway as I unlock the door.
‘Hello, Len!’ Ned says with affection, going forward to shake Dad’s hand.
‘How was your flight?’ Dad asks in his usual unhurried way, making the time and effort to enunciate each word properly.
‘Long,’ Ned replies with a roll of his eyes. ‘I’m glad to be here.’
‘You must be tired,’ Dad says slowly, and I notice that Ned doesn’t finish his sentence fo
r him, even though I haven’t warned him to be patient.
‘I’m okay,’ Ned promises, looking remarkably at ease.
Liz appears from the kitchen door.
‘Hello, there!’ she calls loudly.
Ned grins and sets off down the corridor towards her. ‘Hey, Liz,’ he says warmly as they meet halfway and give each other a hug.
‘It’s so good to see you,’ she says. ‘Can I get you a cup of tea?’
‘That’d be great,’ he replies, returning his gaze to me.
I grin and rub Dad’s shoulder and he gives me a fond smile.
‘You look happy,’ he says quietly.
‘I am,’ I reply.
Ned and I have decided not to reveal why, yet. We want to make sure that everything is okay at our twelve-week scan before telling any family or friends. We weren’t as careful last time, and the fact that we were disappointing our loved ones made our own grief even harder to bear.
We go through to the living room and Liz brings in tea and biscuits. Ned and I sit entangled on the sofa with his arms wrapped around me from behind. He’s so lovely and snuggly, and every so often I can feel him stifling a yawn behind my head. He’ll be shattered after that long flight.
‘Do you want a nap?’ I ask with concern over my shoulder.
‘Not yet,’ he replies, his eyes creasing at the corners before he pulls me back against him. Even Liz regards us with affection.
In all of the excitement about the pregnancy, I haven’t even told him about meeting Doris yesterday, so I give him a general overview and he’s sensitive with his questions in front of Dad. We’ll be able to speak more openly in the privacy of my bedroom.
We retire there after not too long. Liz and Dad know that I haven’t been well recently, so they have no issues with me joining Ned for a short nap.
‘Is this going to screw up my jet lag?’ Ned asks worriedly, as he pulls off his socks.
‘Liz won’t let us sleep for long,’ I tell him with a smirk. ‘She’s a Nap Nazi.’