by Paige Toon
He chuckles and continues to undress as I relay what she was like when I first arrived.
‘She’s a good egg,’ he says amiably.
I frown at him. ‘You reckon?’
‘Yeah, don’t you? I thought she’d been alright while you’ve been staying here.’
‘She’s definitely been better than she was when I was a teenager.’ I pull my dress over my head.
‘Maybe she’s mellowed,’ he says as I slip between the sheets in my underwear. He slides in next to me and immediately cuddles me to him. The feeling of his warm, almost-naked, blissfully familiar body is delectable.
‘I’m so happy you’re here,’ I murmur.
‘Did my belated grand gesture work, then?’ he asks with amusement.
‘Definitely,’ I reply, nuzzling my face into his neck and kissing his collarbone.
He falls silent for a long moment, and I figure he’s in the process of dozing off, but then he speaks.
‘How do you feel about what Doris told you?’
I stiffen. ‘Confused,’ I reply truthfully.
I didn’t go into too much detail earlier with Dad and Liz listening, but now I explain how Doris had wondered if there were more to the ‘be good’ part of Mum’s message.
‘It sounds like she wanted to see you because she’s worried about her granddaughter,’ Ned says thoughtfully.
‘Yeah, maybe. But I don’t know. I’ve always had this feeling that I’m sort of bad.’
‘Amber!’ He’s shocked.
I tell him that Dad often called me a naughty girl in my formative years, and then I explain how his anger seemed to stem from the despair he felt when he discovered I’d kept Lambert.
Ned listens attentively, but shakes his head when I’ve finished. ‘How could you ever think that you’re bad? Look at all the good you’ve done.’
‘What good?’ I ask.
‘Jesus, really?’ He looks dazed. ‘You need me to spell it out? For a start, you flew to the other side of the world to be here for your dad. After university, you chose to be a teacher and help children rather than earn shitloads of money in a brokering job.’
I purse my lips. ‘But I quit and did get a brokering job,’ I point out.
‘It’s understandable why you resigned,’ he responds. ‘Christ, what you went through… But, Amber, do you not think you’ll ever go back to teaching?’
I sigh. ‘I don’t know. I do miss it sometimes.’
And I’d be able to fit work in around children and school holidays… Plus I did love connecting with kids. Teaching has its ups and downs, sure, but it can be very rewarding.
‘Even looking back at the way we met,’ Ned says, wriggling so we’re face-to-face, our heads resting on the one pillow. I stare hopefully into his lovely eyes as he smiles at me. ‘You gave up your seat for that pregnant woman,’ he says. ‘If you hadn’t done that one good deed, we might never have got together.’
He leans forward and kisses me, and I kiss him back, my breath catching as I realise that he’s right.
He pulls away. ‘Seriously, you’re nuts,’ he says. ‘And the babysitting you’ve always offered to do for my brothers, and the presents you always spend forever choosing to make sure everyone’s got something they love, and the way you looked after Josie and called in sick for her when she had the flu… I could go on and on and on. You’re crazy if you think you’re somehow bad. You’re not, you idiot. I wouldn’t have married you if you were evil.’ He gives me a half-amused, half-perplexed look.
I swallow. ‘Don’t you blame me, even a tiny bit, for losing our baby last year?’ I whisper.
His eyes widen. ‘Of course I don’t,’ he breathes. ‘It was an accident, it couldn’t be avoided.’
‘But you wanted me to bring what was happening with Danny to Mr Bunton and Gretchen’s attention earlier.’
‘I don’t think it would have made a difference.’ His expression darkens. ‘Even if that little shit hadn’t kicked that ball at you…’ He shakes his head. ‘There’s no telling, but some things just aren’t meant to be.’
‘I’m so sorry.’ I bite my lip, but it’s no use. Out come the tears again.
‘You have nothing to be sorry for,’ Ned responds firmly.
I hate myself for just how wrong he is, but I can’t land my infidelity on him, too.
‘I wish I’d been here for you,’ he mutters.
‘Hey,’ I chide. ‘Forwards now, not backwards.’
‘Forwards, not backwards,’ he agrees, taking me into his arms and pulling me close.
We lie like that until we both fall asleep.
Mummy is smiling at me, dancing Lambert around in front of my face. She pushes him onto my tummy and I squeal with laughter and she bounces him up and down again. Then she takes me in her arms and holds my giggling body tightly, while Lambert is squashed, soft and furry, against my neck.
‘Goodnight, little lamb,’ she says, gently kissing my cheek as she retreats.
I stir and slowly wake from my dream.
Dad said she never raised her voice at me. ‘You were the sweetest girl. She never once called you naughty…’
‘She was so shy. She wouldn’t say boo to a goose,’ Liz said.
I wish I’d known her better. I wish I hadn’t lost her so soon.
I’m going to be good for you now, Mum, I silently vow. At least, I’ll try, I add with a sad smile to myself.
I’d like to visit her grave again. Should I ask Ned to take me? Maybe it should be Dad.
BANG, BANG, BANG!
I nearly jump out of my skin at the sound of someone pounding on the bedroom door.
‘Wakey, wakey!’ Liz calls, proceeding to bang away again.
Ned jolts awake. ‘What the fuck?’ he asks, looking alarmed.
‘We’re up!’ I call back.
‘Charcoal chicken’s going cold!’ she shouts.
‘Okay!’
I roll my eyes and then laugh at Ned’s confused expression. ‘I told you, she’s a Nap Nazi. But if she’s got chicken, chips and Fruita, trust me, you’ll forgive her.’
He looks baffled. ‘What the hell is Fruita?’
Tina rang for me when I was asleep, so I call her back after dinner. She wants to know if I’m feeling better, and belatedly remembers to ask about Doris.
‘Oh God, I’m sorry. I’ve been so caught up in Josh’s proposal that I completely forgot!’
‘It’s totally okay,’ I reply, filling her in quickly while Ned strokes my arm. We’re huddled together on the sofa.
‘So it wasn’t any big secret, then?’ Tina asks.
‘I’m afraid not,’ I say with amusement at the mild disappointment in her voice.
She’ll probably never understand the significance of Mum’s message – no one will, except me.
I also tell her about Ned being here, pursing my lips at him as she gushes about how romantic it is that he flew halfway around the world to be with me.
‘I’d love to catch up with him,’ she says eventually. ‘Maybe we could all go out for dinner?’
‘That would be great,’ I respond. ‘Sooner rather than later, if possible. I don’t know how much longer we’ll be here.’
‘Tomorrow?’
‘Sounds perfect.’
‘I’ll ask Nell, George and Ethan, as well,’ she says.
My heart contracts at the sound of the latter’s name, but I’m not worried. This time I know without a shadow of a doubt that he won’t come.
After we hang up, I glance at Ned. ‘When is your flight home?’
‘Next Friday,’ he replies. ‘Max didn’t want to give me any more time off at such short notice.’
I nod.
‘Will that be enough time for you?’ he asks. ‘I’d love it if we could fly home together.’
‘Me too,’ I say with a smile. ‘I’ll speak to Dad.’
‘Okay.’
‘I’d like to go and visit Mum’s grave once more with him, if that’s okay, too.’
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br /> ‘Of course it is. Would you like me to come?’
I think for a moment. ‘Would you mind if it was just Dad and me?’
‘Of course not. I’ll keep Liz company.’
I roll my eyes jokily and he laughs. ‘I like her,’ he states definitively. ‘Give the poor old bird a break,’ he urges.
‘I think you’ve had too much Fruita,’ I tease. ‘If Liz is a poor old bird, then I’m a big fat wombat.’
‘I’ve never seen a wombat before,’ he muses.
‘I’ll take you to Cleland Conservation Park tomorrow and show you one,’ I promise.
Ned grins. ‘Sounds good.’
As predicted, Ethan does not join us for dinner the next night, but I’m tense waiting for confirmation nonetheless. Nell and George come, and my heart is warmed at the sight of their obvious affection for each other. They seem even more relaxed in each other’s company these days – sharing meals and kissing and cuddling at the table. They make a sweet couple. I think this one could be a keeper.
Tina has gone full steam ahead with wedding plans, and I’m taken aback to hear that she’s already put a deposit down on a venue for early December.
‘Thirty per cent off if you book now,’ she says with infectious enthusiasm. Even Josh looks amused.
I feel a twinge of regret because we won’t be able to fly back for it – not if our baby is due in the second week of November, which I know now. But I can’t tell her this yet. Hopefully she’ll understand when the time comes.
‘Where’s Ethan tonight?’ I flinch as Nell asks Tina and Josh this question.
‘He’s working,’ Tina replies.
‘God, they work so hard,’ Nell comments casually.
‘What does he do?’ Ned asks.
‘He works for his dad,’ I reply, forcing myself to sound normal. ‘They have a winery.’
‘You’ll have to try some Lockwood House while you’re here,’ Josh suggests.
My thoughts dart to the bottle of ultra premium red at the top of my wardrobe. I couldn’t drink it now. Even if I weren’t pregnant, it would leave too bad a taste in my mouth.
When I think of how drunk I got on my birthday and in the couple of weeks leading up to it, I’m horrified. I can’t believe I was pregnant then. The baby would have been so small, but I still hope I haven’t done it any damage.
I’m going to be so good from here on in.
There’s that word again.
Chapter 43
A few days later, to my delight, Dad drives me to the cemetery. His occupational therapist came when Ned and I were at the conservation park and deemed him fit to get behind the wheel again, with a couple of small adjustments to the car. It’s a major step in the right direction, and he’s over the moon to have some of his independence back.
‘Now you’ll really be able to go home without worrying about me,’ he says, flashing me a crooked smile as he pulls up outside the cemetery.
‘I’ll always worry about you,’ I reply, casting him a remorseful look as we climb out of the car.
He frowns at me as I walk around to his side. ‘You don’t need to worry.’
‘Here you’ll be on the other side of the world, all alone…’
‘I’m not alone,’ he scoffs, taking my arm. ‘I’ve got Liz.’
‘You know what I mean. No family,’ I say as we walk towards the gates.
‘Liz is family to me,’ he points out, making my face heat up.
It occurs to me that I’ll be gone soon and there’s something I feel I need to say.
‘I’ve always felt guilty about leaving you,’ I admit, clutching his arm tightly as we pass through the gates into the graveyard and begin the walk down the steep hill towards Mum’s grave.
He sighs heavily. ‘Please don’t feel bad. I’m very happy with Liz’s company.’
I don’t know how to respond to that, so I don’t respond with anything.
‘I know you’ve never liked her,’ he continues, and I almost cut him off and deny it, but perhaps now is a time for honesty. ‘You and she have your differences, it’s true.’
‘Mmm.’
‘But I love Lizzie,’ he says ardently, coming to a standstill and turning to face me. ‘She was a breath of fresh air when she came into my life.’
I nod and continue walking, but he stops me, his body language tense.
‘When you left…’ he says apprehensively.
‘Yes?’
‘You say you felt guilty.’
‘I did,’ I reply.
‘I think you should know that it was the best thing you could have done for us.’
My brow furrows with confusion. ‘Us, as in you and Liz?’ I double check.
‘Yes.’ He nods and then looks exhausted. ‘She was so sick of the fighting. I was sick of it. When you left, we became much closer.’
‘Why didn’t you tell me I made you feel like that?’ I ask with dismay.
‘I didn’t want to hurt your feelings,’ he replies, shaking his head.
I can’t help but smile at the irony. ‘So you’re telling me you were happy to be rid of me?’
‘Don’t say it like that,’ he mutters.
‘I felt guilty all that time for nothing?’ I tease, immediately retracting it when I see his stricken face. ‘Dad, I’m kidding. Oh dear, what a pair we are. I’m glad you’re happy with Liz. Honestly,’ I add when he flashes me a dubious look. ‘If she’s the one for you, then I’m delighted for you both.’
‘Good,’ he says with a smile as we continue on our way. ‘Because I’d like to ask her to marry me.’
‘Oh, bloody hell,’ I mutter, staring at the sky. Then I look at him and grin, stepping forward to give him a hug, both of us chuckling.
‘Congratulations, Dad.’
‘Thanks, darling,’ he says into my ear.
We turn the corner and soon find ourselves in front of Mum’s grave. The flowers that I planted last time are doing quite well, but I get down on my hands and knees and pull up a few weeds while Dad stands and watches. I didn’t bring a chair today so I hope he’s okay. When I’m done, I sit back on my haunches and look at Mum’s name: Kate Church, beloved wife and mother.
She was loved. So much.
‘You are a good girl, Amber,’ Dad says gently. My scalp tingles as I experience déjà vu, and then I realise it’s what he said to me the last time we were here. I look over my shoulder at him. ‘I’m so sorry if I made you feel like you weren’t. I’m so sorry I didn’t look after you better.’
‘Oh Dad, no,’ I say with alarm, getting to my feet as his face crumbles. ‘You did the best that you could. We both did.’
‘I’m sorry I tried to throw away your sheep,’ he says, gulping back a sob.
I can’t help but let out a little laugh, even though he’s clearly traumatised as I put my arms around him. ‘Don’t worry, Dad, I got him back. He stank of rotting food, but he slept by my side nonetheless.’
His chest judders with a single laugh.
‘Honestly, Dad,’ I say sincerely as I pull away. ‘It’s time to let it go. No more regrets. Seeing Doris really helped me. Mum should rest in peace now, don’t you think?’
He pauses for a moment and a break in the clouds lets a shaft of afternoon sun stream down upon her gravestone.
‘Yes,’ he says as the sunshine spreads and encompasses both of us. ‘She should.’
Eleven Months Later
Epilogue
I can’t sit here and do nothing, not when her piercing cries are waking up an aeroplane full of people.
Poor Ned. He had such good intentions, trying to settle her while I got some sleep, but I think it might be time for Mummy to take over.
I unclick my seat belt and step out into the aisle, heading in the direction of our four-month-old daughter’s wails. The look of relief on his face when he sees me is palpable.
‘Do you want to give her to me?’ I ask with a smile.
He hands her over all too eagerly.
&n
bsp; I place the tiny bundle over my shoulder and sing into her ear.
‘Baa baa black sheep…’
She quietens almost instantly and Ned slumps against the aeroplane emergency exit. I walk over and give him a tender kiss on his lips, but quickly withdraw and continue with my song when our baby opens up her mouth to let rip again.
We’re on our way back to Australia for Dad and Liz’s wedding – and for them to meet Katy for the first time. Kate Church Matthews is what we called our daughter. Initially we considered Kate as a second name – we didn’t want her to feel like she’d been named after a ghost and had shoes to fill. But we liked Kate and couldn’t come up with any alternatives we preferred. Our Katy will be whoever she’s meant to be and we’ll love her no matter what.
I haven’t heard from Ethan and I don’t expect to. He was a groomsman at Josh and Tina’s wedding, so it was probably a good thing that we had an excuse not to join them. We’re catching up with Tina, Josh, Nell and George for a belated wedding celebration, and I’m sure Ethan will have some reason not to go. Harvest, probably. I wonder if he’s planted grapevines at Eden Valley yet. I try my hardest not to think about him.
This year has certainly had its ups and downs, but Ned and I are doing the best that we can to support each other through all of the challenges that life has thrown at us: work, pregnancy (hormones!) and, of course, parenthood.
I never told him about my affair with Ethan. When I really think it through, I believe he would ultimately forgive me. But I also know that we would go through hell getting to that point of exoneration, and I didn’t want to put that stress on either Ned or our unborn baby. Maybe one day I will tell him the truth, but for now, I hope he feels secure in the knowledge that I love him and our daughter with all my heart.
This year, I’ve also been doing my best to make amends with my friends.
Shortly after our return to London, Gretchen got in touch saying that she had heard that the school she was moving to in Essex urgently needed a maths teacher to cover maternity leave for the summer term – the substitute teacher had resigned with next to no notice. I agreed to go for a meeting at the school, and within minutes of talking to the head teacher my mind was made up. The permanent teacher was returning in September, so I was only due to work up until the school holidays, but they asked me to stay on for three days a week until I had to go on my own maternity leave.