Irrelevant Jack 5

by Prax Venter

  If this were the first thing Jack experienced today, nothing could have stopped him from screaming and charging ahead. Without knowing how long Lex had- or even if she had anything left at all- Jack pulled back to think for a few precious seconds. They both needed to survive this, or Jack didn’t think he was capable of continuing this bullshit, infested game.

  “Only a game…” the broken Hero whispered, his subconscious frantically bolstering itself with any facade to keep him going.

  Time slowed around Jack as he bent every stitch of virtual programming he possessed toward solving this riddle; toward cheesing this Boss.

  He could deal no damage, yet it wouldn’t matter if he could. Damaging the Boss was not the answer here. Distraction was. If he could get the epic monster to let go of Lex, she could protect herself from that horrible eye. He might be able to pull Velintanna away but how would he stop her from grabbing him by the larynx and making him watch whatever she was doing to the love of his life?

  Frantic for an answer, Jack scrolled through the insane amount of items he had at his disposal and a stupid idea began to form.

  Jack pulled out another spear as he moved back around the bend for about twenty yards, then jammed the low-value weapon upright into the dirt. He then summoned another about the same length and jammed it in the tunnel beside the first. Next he summoned a pair of Floor-26 leather pants and slid them over the top of the two spears, then a Floor-31 leather chest armor, and lastly topped one of the spear shafts with a decorative wool cap just because it was round. Finally, Jack resummoned his torch and tossed it a few feet further down to give the construct some shadowed backlighting.

  Jack -1 | HP 776/872

  With his dummy hastily erected, he sprinted back up toward the bend and hurled a Floor-35 axe at Velintanna’s back, mid-step. The infected ocular organ burrowing tainted magic into Lex snapped to face him as the Corrupted Player in the tight black dress caught the pointless item without looking.

  “Your time playing in this world is at an end,” Jack shouted as the black-haired monster let Lex fall to her knees and turned to face him. Jack continued. “It’s game over, Velintanna.”

  He knew the cheesy lines about the true nature of this simulated reality would demand her full attention- and he wasn’t wrong. The partially Corrupted woman’s grin split her face from ear to ear before the other Player moved straight for him faster than he expected for what she was wearing.

  Jack retreated to the bend in the tunnel, and at the final instant he’d lose sight of his shackled Bastion, he triggered a flashy Data Bomb to cover his Teleport. Jack’s eyes danced over Lex’s straight hair as it hung down on to the dirt but tore himself away from her before summoning yet another spear from the 335 currently tucked away within his virtual inventory. This time one shaped as a wide trident.

  Jack jammed the tines upward into the tunnel entrance with desperation-fueled force, then he summoned a longer thin shield, gripped its sides with both hands and then slammed upward, driving the indestructible, Tower-generated trident deep up into the dirt and stone above.

  Velintanna’s screeching echoed to him as she discovered his discarded gear, and he swapped the shield for a two-handed sledgehammer. Pulling on all the fear, rage, and hatred he had for the vile monstrosity hurtling toward him, Jack wound up and smashed the dangling shaft sideways, ripping open the cave above.

  “What are youuu!” the half-corrupted Orchid Oracle called out a moment before Jack collapsed the entrance and sealed off any more sound from her. The damp dirt and lose stone cascaded down and his high dodge stat aided his frenzied dive away from the intentional cave-in. Hopefully, he’d just buried her alive.

  Jack scrambled to his fee and took in his new situation. Lex was still slumped on the ground, and the single red eye was still locked on him, but now that he was really paying attention, he could see a faint tendril of magic still connecting it to his wife.

  “Leave her alone!” Jack screamed as he rushed the immobile thing, switching his sledgehammer for another spear to-

  You cannot remove this item-

  The Irrelevant Hero screamed nonsense into the void as he dismissed the system prompt and blasted the thing with a pointless Mining Laser from his palm.

  Although he did no damage, the disgusting wet mass of biological hatred began vibrating on its fleshy stalk as it were.

  “How do you like it!” Jack yelled and redoubled his efforts to keep his fiery beam directly into the thing’s slitted pupil. Movement from his right pulled his attention, and he noticed Lex just in time to see her stab her short sword deep into the huge eye’s veiny black sclera.

  He expected a damage notification from her, but without Alt, he no longer had access to this hacked Scan ability.

  The horrible eye shuddered as it leaked black bile then faded to static and buzzed away.

  “Oh Jack…” his wife breathed, and he searched her golden eyes.

  “Are you okay? We have to move.”

  She lifted her left arm with a metal shackle wrapped around her wrist as if in a daze. There was no lock, and there was no way he was prying it open quickly without severing her hand in the process. The thing was just a thick metal bar bent around her wrist by brute force. He followed the links up to the wall where it was anchored into the rock and saw the immediate weakness of age. Before he started working on that, Jack looked back to see the entrance to this small laboratory still packed with dirt and stone. With no threat detected, Jack scanned around the room and saw two more open tunnels leading into darkness. The open space also held a desk and other strange Corrupted artifacts scattered around Velintanna’s hidden… what? Laboratory?

  “I’m not okay,” Lex finally answered in a monotone voice. “She- it… was doing something to my mind.”

  Horror at what that could mean washed over Jack again, yet he shoved it into the future. She was alive, and they still needed to get away from here as soon as possible or it didn’t really matter.

  Jack -1 | HP 775/872

  With a frustrated grunt, he moved to the wall and jammed another indestructible spear into the thin gap around the metal pin. The wear and tear on the stone from this non-system restraining device hinted at the decades of use Velintanna had gotten out of it, and seething rage surged though his body once again.

  As long as he was clear in his intent to not remove Hit Points from something, Mother Sana allowed him to pop any Tower-dropped gear into either hand, and new ideas on how to embrace his ridiculous Inventory flooded into Jack’s frayed mind.

  After three deeply motivated strikes from a two-handed hammer called Tootheater, the Queen of Blackmoor Kingdom was now free.

  “I cannot equip Off-Hand items,” Lex mumbled, gathering her custom-built chain. “My Defender Path is useless.”

  He took a moment to inspect her.

  Lex - Hero: Bastion | Level 49

  [Health: 434/925 | Mana: 287/689]

  Relationship –

  [Spouse]

  [Disposition: Indomitable Love]

  Her totals were too low, but it made sense with the absence of her shield. Jack took her shackled hand in his and intend to run off with her toward one of the other open tunnels when she yanked him back into her arms. A swelling joy filled his chest at the fact she felt alive again and they pressed their bodies forcefully together, both recovering points of virtual sanity from the other’s closeness.

  Jack pulled back and cupped her smaller chin in his hands.

  “You are never leaving my side again- do you understand?”

  She nodded weakly and then they both winced from another lost point of life ripped away from Corruption Drain. Jack turned away, and this time she followed.

  “What about Haylee? The others?” the Queen asked.

  “Captain Haylee was last seen on her new boat with both Ryea and Jip.”

  He answered her question, but half of his mind was still focused on the ancient woman-shaped creature behind them. Even if he’d killed her wi
th tons of soil and stone, Jip said the Orchid Oracle always respawned as a child. Would they ever be able to get far enough away from something so powerful? Would any amount of Heroes matter? It felt as if there was something he’d missed or hadn’t put together yet. He also felt as if it were a problem he wouldn’t solve right now.

  The pair continued in silence as Jack summoned another torch to light the twisting dirt and rock ahead. Neither of them had any idea if this cave went anywhere. At first he imagined that it just ended and they’d have to go back. When they began banking to the north, he just knew that their path would connect to the other cave out of her evil underground lab that they didn’t take, looping back to where they started.

  Both equally bad scenarios did not come to be. Soon enough, he felt a new incline under his boots and the smell of wet dirt in his nose. The narrow, twisting tunnel dripped with moisture, and the two Heroes had to crawl though claustrophobically tight passages, but both were more than ready to take their chances with the mud of Mother Sana over what madness they’d just left behind. Even if it meant worming through putrid slime and festering nausea.

  Jack and Lex each lost another 17 Hit Points from Corrupted virtual space before they wormed their way out into the darkness of night and thick pounding rain. They came out in what was essentially a partially flooded bowl. Bizarre shadows loomed in the darkness and storm, but he didn’t see any psychopaths in high heels so he turned to help Lex to her feet- and instantly felt terrible soul-crushing pain twist into his back.

  Jack -59 | HP 699/872

  He spun to see the lumps he’d mistaken for mud were really a nest of Demons. He barely had time to remember he couldn’t just Omni Strike them all when his Bastion dashed into his vision.

  “Get away from him!” she screeched out as she pumped her boots into the mud, throwing herself at his attacker. Lightning flashed overhead, and Jack noticed two bone-armored Demons and three Lesser Demons all rising to answer Lex’s Shout.

  The Stalker Demon who’d shot him in the back with its spell appeared surprised to see the drenched woman blitz forward and scrambled uselessly in the wet mud before she sliced her short-sword down with a primal yell into its hairless cat head, ending its twisted existence.

  Helplessness washed over Jack as he saw everything with bile dripping fangs close in on her from all sides and he had to do something.

  With his own primal yell, Jack dashed forward and leapt into a flying drop kick that connected with the armored ribs of a Demon.

  Both found themselves lying in the Corrupted mud. Jack tried to get to his feet and out of reach, but the monster he’d peeled off from the others didn’t waste time with standing and tore into Jack’s calf with a bladed claw.

  Jack -46 | HP 653/872

  Twisting in the pus onto his back, Jack thrust his palm toward one of the Demon’s black eyes and activated his Mining Laser.

  The entire Corrupted pit became saturated in red vibrancy and the attacker who’d been moments from ripping out his throat reared back with a mild irritation instead.

  Jack took advantage of the distraction and kicked his boot into the thing’s sagging, unarmored throat then used its neck as a springboard to push off and roll up to his feet.

  With a quick glance over at Lex, he witnessed her take a savage critical on her back. With a low growl, she swung her off-hand chain outward into the rain, and he watched in awe as Lex used it to yank her attacker’s vile face to the ground and then vanquished it with her blade.

  She spun to face him, her rain-soaked hair leaking out from the Badger Fur Cap they’d found the other day. If her golden eyes hadn’t flashed to his right, Jack might have missed that the armored Demon had recovered.

  From the equivalent of years by her side in the Tower, Jack was able to track her pupils as her brows rose. He dodged his head sideways from the swipe, but still felt the wetness of claw-flicked rain on his face.

  The inside-out ape followed up with a kick to his knee, but Jack’s Movement Speed, super-high Dodge stat, and cultivated talent all added up to a distinct advantage. He wouldn’t be able to stop this thing from eventually gutting him, but he sure could dance around it while Lex cleaned up the others with her sword.

  Jack got a good look at the porous white bones these mid-level Demons had protruding from their exposed-muscle forms. It was as if they had dozens of extra external rib bones clustered in sensitive areas. As he watched, the salivating humanoid-creature also lost some of its aggression and studied him back.

  Jack -1 | HP 652/872

  The Demon who’d only been trying to disembowel him now barked at Jack with a complexity that indicated a level of intelligence he didn’t like seeing. Jack shouted back waving his hands as they circled each other.

  “We don’t need to fi-”

  The violent mass of twisted malice dove forward before he even finished, and Jack slipped on the tendrils of Corruption. He was not standing where he intended, and the Demon caught his right arm with bone-deep gouges.

  Jack -46 | HP 607/872

  With a frustrated shout, Jack smashed his elbow into its surprised monster face. There were no damage notifications, but there was no doubt his non-system attacks were having an effect. With another glance at his wife, Jack saw she only had one left. His confidence soared.

  Many of the structural supports under Jack’s sanity had irreparably snapped over the last several hours but the idea of punching this thing repeatedly in the face became a new pillar to support the weight of his free-falling mind.

  The armored Demon snarled and rushed him again, but this time Jack did not dodge. Instead, he harnessed his superior speed to duck low and tackle it to the ground.

  With a primal roar that echoed against the rain, Jack pummeled its face with fists wrapped in the indestructible Purewind Gauntlets they found on Floor 49.

  Critical! Jack -88 | HP 519/872

  The claws impaling his kidney reminded him this was stupid, but he didn’t care, and after the highspeed, blunt force trauma he rained down, the creature appeared to lose consciousness.

  “Jack,” Lex shouted from nearby and he forced himself to stop. Panting, Jack stood from the undamaged monster quietly lying in the rain. The queen of Blackmoor waited a few moments to study her hated foe before she stepped forward, reversed her grip, and plunged her sword into its heart.

  The Demon didn’t even open its eyes before buzzing away under the pouring rain.

  Jack shook off his berserker madness and the two Heroes locked eyes. Without a word exchanged, they both agreed it was time to go and dashed to the closest edge of the wide, muddy gully.

  The looming shapes he’d seen at the edges of the darkness became the towering coils of mammoth vines. As the pair dashed through the dead, thorny husks of what might have been building-sized bushes on either side and Jack wondered what this area of Subroutine Sana would be like if it weren’t currently infested with a universe-eating entity.

  Once each of them took five more points of Corruption Drain damage, Jack slowed.

  “We should probably start moving with intention,” he said, hunkering down close to one of the dead spirals in the mud and pus.

  “I have no hint as to where we are,” Lex said, hugging herself. “Or where to head.”

  Jack scanned the tangle of thorns reaching up into the falling rain but between the darkness, the storm, and the giant rotting briar patch surrounding them, it was hopeless. He remembered seeing these curled vines from the top of the Town Hall, but with the chaos and twisting tunnels behind him, he’d lost all sense of direction.

  He shook his head and let out a deep sigh as he pulled his eyes back down to scan for ground-based threats. Climbing up the twisting vegetation to scout was not really a valid option as the dead foliage was all smooth, slime-ridden surfaces between their man-sized thorns.

  Jack -1 | HP 513/872

  The twisting nausea drew his eyes down to the worming orange filaments waving and flapping around and it reminded him o
f the Mother of Demons’ eyestalks. He turned to face Lex.

  “We are headed for Blackmoor Cove, but we need to get out of this infected filth. And if we go the wrong way, we might be in danger of having a really bad vacation.”

  The Bastion let out an amused grunt. “I am running out of Mana and we both need my healing. Let us continue putting distance in our chosen direction then stop to rest and reevaluate our path.”

  “Good plan,” Jack said, standing and moving off toward a gap in the oversized thorny husks. The ground was driest under some of the thicket coils so they tried to break up their tracks by weaving around as many as they could.

  After another ten minutes of a full tilt sprint, the rain slowed to a fine mist, but the sky remained blanketed with black inky clouds. The air pressure changed with the passing stormfront and shifted from too warm to comfortable coolness, despite the otherworldly infestation nullifying their life values. Eventually, the land began to rise in elevation, and he took that as both a good sign, and a sign to stop. He put his hands on his knees to catch his breath and they were both hit with another nauseating sting.

  Jack -1 | HP 486/872

  The damage notification prompted him to look back at Lex and saw her shuffling slowly toward something between the massive coils. He followed her gaze, but he saw only vast darkness and mists parting in the growing breeze.

  “Jack, I’ve been watching something in the sky as we ran…” she said, waving him over.

  He sent a darting glance around the thorny shadows while Lex was distracted but didn’t see any Demons or Oracles so he moved close behind his Bastion.

  “Just… there!” she said as a distant flicker of lightning illuminated the unmistakable reflection of silver stabbing into the black mist above. A clean Tower.

  “What Town is that?” he asked, spinning on his heels to get his bearings. “I was thinking we should head to that Tyga Slopes place first, see if they have a Dock. If not, we know Brittlehorn does and that’s probably where Haylee went first.”