Irrelevant Jack 5

by Prax Venter

  All three ranged attackers focused on a unique target as they fell back and the Monsters were destroyed before they could deal any damage.

  “I’m going to hold the next Omni Strike,” Jack said as they started following the young creature again. “With my stat-loaded sword and Rest Bonus, I’m only getting back 54 MP per Floor transition and I’ve already spent past that. Normally, we could just sweep the Floor, but we’ve been challenged by the Tower to guard this woman. And for all we know, those crystal bees might be invisible without ‘mumbles’ here pointing them out to us.”

  “MmM mmmM!”

  The alien woman was unintelligible, but Jack interpreted the noise as ‘shut up and let me enjoy my ride’.

  With the goal of keeping the strange cyclist alive, the party spread out and surrounded her. She always saw the gemstone insects before anyone else, and with their assault pattern established, the experienced group continued to grab their attention and take them down.

  The gravel bike path began splitting into branching choices, and they followed the pedaling creature as she angled toward each option with no hesitation. They eventually passed into a shadowed forest under teal trees with bird feathers for leaves and through verdant prairies, and it was in one of these prairies that they all saw the ruby honeycomb glistening like an apartment complex in the distance.

  “The Boss chamber?” Belda asked and Jack shrugged in response. They’d all been relatively quiet as they strolled along the bizarre nature hike, but Sevik appeared more reserved than normal. The creature on the bike veered away from what Jack imagined was the Gem Pest Queen, and instead took them down into a sunken valley with jagged stones on either side.

  “How long are we going to follow this thing?” the Lancer said after the violet sun began arcing down behind the crystal clouds.

  “It’s a good question,” Jack said, pulling his eyes away from the stunning stained-glass hue the pocket dimension took on from the unique atmosphere. “I said the Tower might be showing us something, but there might be a chance this ride could go on forever. The Tower is predictable in its unpredictability.”

  Alt added his opinion. “You have collected 11 drops so far which is about average. Given precedent, I don’t believe this will go on indefinitely.”

  Sure enough, after about fifteen minutes, two path splits, and one more spawned group of Gem Pests, the trail ramped gently upward into a forested clearing with a thirty-foot brick wall blocking their path. And in the center of the wall was an equally huge, solid gold slab of metal. The only feature on this smooth surface was a dark keyhole near the bottom. If perspective could be trusted, it was a space they might be able to fit through.

  “Mmmm” the strange woman said with a wave, her enormous eyes passing over them all. Then she turned forward, gripped the handle, and pedaled herself forward far faster than should be possible.

  “What do we do now?” Belda said, taking a step after her.

  “Uh,” Jack said taking an uncertain step back, “hold here until we see what she does.”

  The mouthless woman slammed into the keyhole with half her bike wedged inside. Then, with a sickening crunch, the key she’d been riding turned, mangling her instantly.

  “Oh my…” Yatts said, shielding his eyes.

  Jack was about to agree when the whole gold section of wall slid into the ground. The area beyond was an enormous clearing ringed with boulders and trees and standing on the flat grassy middle was a three-story woman in a netted hat and covered in a thick white fabric.

  “A giant beekeeper?” Jack said.

  “Who’s been exterminating my precious gems!” the giant screamed and stomped toward them.

  “Do we get to vanquish this one?” Belda shouted over her shoulder as everyone was already taking up positions behind her.

  “Yes ma’am!” Jack shouted back. He wished she were wearing plate instead of leather and a concept from earlier smacked him in the brain. He forced it into the backseat as the thirty-foot woman holding a smoker charged their position. There was no way they were outmaneuvering this thing taking 20-yard strides.

  Jack, Alt, and Yatts only got off one round of damage before the Boss closed the distance.

  Floor 40 Boss -264 | 2,136/2,400

  -428 | 1,708/2,400

  -210 | 1,498/2,400

  “Sleep!” the giant beekeeper shouted as she ducked under the gate and pumped smoke down on them from her tool of the trade. A black cloud icon flashed up in the status area next to his Rest Bonus.

  Cozy Haze - [Hit Chance reduced by 90% | 5% chance to Paralyze every 5 seconds | 00:00:19]

  ~ Why were you mad to begin with?

  Jack blinked as he saw their Fighter raise her shield just in time to take a giant black boot coming down through the gray mist. He knew this could end badly unless-

  Without stopping to think about it, he activated Alter Alt and shifted his summoned companion from Angry Sun to Howling Air Wolf.

  This stormcloud canine did half the damage, but when the new summon threw back his maw, the resulting howling gusts obliterated the malicious haze with primal force.

  “Take her down!” Jack called out and his team for the day roared in unison as they blasted, bashed, and stabbed the Floor 40 Boss. The three-story beekeeper wasn’t expecting such opposition and reared up in surprise, wasting an entire round of combat.

  Even with Alt’s now reduced damage, their combined attacks added up. Sevik struck the final blow with a savage jab of his spear through her giant calf and the battle was over.

  Several alert tones told him new drops awaited in his Inventory, so he pulled up the top row to check and found an item with an ability he hadn’t seen in a long time.

  Apiary Smoker - [Wand | Value 210 | Floor 40]

  | Max MP +135 |

  | Magic Power +105 |

  | +3 seconds to negative effect Abilities with Durations |

  | Instant Exit: Entire Party Exits (Item destroyed on use) |

  ~ End the will to fight

  “Check it out,” Jack said as he hoisted the now miniature beekeeper’s tool for everyone to see.

  “Well, well…” Yatts said, rubbing his chin.

  “Was this our extra reward?” Belda asked, a huge leather-wrapped hand on her hip. “Its rare ability is mostly useless and using it nullifies your only Main-Hand weapon, you’d need to hold a backup or go without until something suitable drops again.”

  “Yeah,” Jack said with a sigh as he tossed it into his infinite inventory. “But no, there’s still the Floor Boss Rewards chest. Let’s go check what’s on the other side.”

  The bicycle woman’s corpse vanished at some point and Jack shook his head as they passed.

  “This place will never not be insane,” he mumbled to himself. The clearing was a few hundred yards in every direction with huge, feathered trees dotted here and there and all of it tinted with warm psychedelic light from the alien sun hanging low in the sky.

  They could all see the freestanding door to Floor 41 ominously casting a long shadow in the center, and after a few steps, it became clear that that there were two ornate chests waiting for them beside it.

  “This experience has been priceless,” Yatts said, turning his intelligent eyes to Jack’s. “Even if we Exited now, I would say you’ve changed my life.”

  “Mmm,” Belda said with a half-smile, her eyes twinkling with awe at the double reward.

  Sevik was still silent behind his dragon mask, and Jack decided to get to the heart of that as soon as possible. And he did want to start having lunch at the midpoint in the Tower… As Jack looked around for a good spot to set up a picnic, the Fighter continued forward to check the chests.

  “Now this is a just reward!” she said, and Jack turned back to see she was holding a two-foot-long replica of the mouthless woman’s bicycle. His jaw hung open as she used her huge sausage fingers to daintily turn the pedal.

  “It actually works?” Jack shouted, dashing into Inspection range.
/>
  Keycycle - [Artifact | Value: 960]

  - 13 -

  “And that is how you carve a pumpkin,” Jack said as he shoved a lit torch inside the raw vegetable he’d picked up before leaving Angelshade, yet the stringy insides started to blacken from the direct fire, so he pulled it back out. “Uh, it will look better at night and with a smaller candle.”

  “Why would we want ghastly glowing-faced red rinds haunting our beautiful Town?” Belda said from her cross-legged position on the other side of their picnic spot under a tree. The blue sun seemed to freeze in place now that they weren’t moving, and it wasn’t the first time such an occurrence happened in the Tower.

  “This art is another lesson from the Irrelevant King, my dear,” Yatts said, rubbing his bald chin. “Perhaps we could emblazon animals, shapes, letters… Customizable lanterns.”

  “Ooh, I follow,” Belda said, leaning forward.

  Air Wolf Alt padded up to look inside. “Also,” he added, “these- erm, works of art won’t last for long. Once this resource’s form becomes altered using a non-system-interface intent, the substrate will age and rot.”

  Jack nodded slowly as he tried to fully absorb the rules of this world. He made some quick notes in his semi-transparent text file. Alt was like the perfect measuring tool, and Jack was starting to realize all he had to do was experiment and the research vessel attached to his head would call out specific important results.

  Belda reached out and grabbed the carved gourd with both hands.

  “King Jack Lanterns,” she said with a grin.

  “Outstanding,” Alt said from the cloudy dog’s mouth as he shot Jack a look.

  Sevik grunted from his position leaning on the nearby tree, then turned and walked away from the group.

  Jack watched him go then unsummoned his torch.

  “I’m going to go walk off these fish and potatoes weighing down my gut. I’m sure Alt would love to answer any direct questions either of you ask him about the nature of this universe.”

  “I- what?” Alt stammered as Jack hastened his strides to catch up to the Lancer.

  “King Jack-” Sevik said, surprise coming from behind the mask.

  “No,” Jack said, nodding forward when the other man stopped. “Let’s keep walking for a bit. You and I have never spoken man to man without others. I want to get to know you as more than just a badass rare Hero before we jump back into constant carnage. We might be around each other for a while.”

  Sevik paused for a moment and then removed his mask.

  “If you deem it necessary, King Jack,” he said with a nod before setting a brisk pace.

  “You know you don’t have to keep calling me King, right?”

  “Yes.”

  “Okay, Sevvy, whatever makes you happy.”

  He clenched his black gauntleted fists and spun on Jack.

  “I beg you, wise ruler in the ways of ruining produce, please tell me again why we do we tarry pointlessly on this Floor?”

  Jack crossed his arms. “We have infinite time in here, right? What’s the rush?”

  “What?” the other man said, his thick black brows coming down hard. “Do you not age either?”

  “Uh, I’m pretty sure I do- I think.”

  “Then how do we have infinite time?”

  Now it was Jack’s turn to frown. Sevik grew louder when he saw the confusion.

  “How can you not understand that every day I climb this Tower past Floor 50, I age twice as much than the mere 7 hours Asarah lives without me? Assuredly more than twice! We have spent hours playing games on this one Floor! Not all of us has a Hero mate by their side all day.” Sevik nodded toward Yatts and Belda sitting closely as a wolf made of clouds chatted with them about space travel.

  Understanding finally washed over Jack, and the guy’s intolerance made so much more sense. The horror of watching Lex stay young while he raced toward old age without her, fighting to feed and protect the Town…

  “You’re right,” Jack said, “I didn’t even think of how such a relationship could be so… nightmarishly uneven. I needed to hear this- to see this. Still, I have a solution for you if you’re willing to hear more wisdom from the produce-murdering king.”

  Sevik took in a deep breath, then let it out. “If it pleases your grace, I bend my ear to your words.”

  Jack shook his head and continued walking toward the stony edge of the Boss Chamber clearing. The Lancer followed.

  “Today, we will stop after clearing Floor 50. It will get me one Level higher and that’s all I want to push it. Then, you and I will Exit and head to Brittlehorn. I hear it’s all thieves and murderers, maybe I can buy them off- but whatever. We’ll deal with that when we see what we’re dealing with. My point is, do you know what I plan on doing after we connect up to Angelshade?”

  “Growing your kingdom?” Sevik said.

  “That’s partially correct. I’m going straight for the closest Corrupted Tower to Ivyset Crag and giving them a serious wake-up call. Also, this target just so happens to be next door to Angelshade. I’m going to need unique Heroes for special missions, or to oversee this new front line on the other side of the map.”

  “You want me to take back a Dark Tower?”

  “No. I want you to assist the Kingdom of Blackmoor’s multi-front campaign to take back our whole world. There’s plenty of enemies to jab with your spear outside this Tower. Fight them instead and today could be your very last Climb, Sevik. Never run your clock faster than your wife’s again.”

  The man walking next to him in sleek plate armor looked to be in his 40’s but if Jack subtracted all the compressed time fighting in this madness, he was probably closer to his own age. Sevik held him with his steady, dark eyes.

  “You sure can weave inspiring words, my King.”

  Jack threw up his hands. “That’s it, I’m calling you Sev from now on.”

  “And I’ll allow it,” he said with a sideways grin pulling at his salt and pepper stubble.

  The two men walked for a while longer along the edge of the clearing speaking of their fathers’ positive or negative influence on their lives, the small things their wives did to annoy them, and the type of world Jack wanted to manifest through the unified will of Mother Sana.

  They found Yatts manipulating the miniature bicycle upon their return while Alt explained gear ratios and Mechanical Advantage- and both older Heroes were eating it up.

  “I feel like a child again,” Yatts said with a wide grin on his face as he held up their bonus artifact. “Big and little wheels join hands and work in concert to accomplish great feats. Such grace and elegance.”

  “You keep that,” Jack said. “By the time Sev and I build that road between our homes, I want to see you build one big enough for Belda to ride on.”

  At that, the Fighter sat upright. “Build one? To ride on!”

  “Now’s not the time,” Jack said as he waved away the concept. “Let’s pack it up and see how efficiently we can burn through 41 through 49. The last concept I want to drill home today is how to think around corners and not to do what the Tower intends.”

  With everyone in agreement, his Climbing party was ready in moments, and Jack sent them up the Tower with a hand on the door. The next Floor started them at the top of a pyramid, and it was clear they were meant to engage the floating eyes and fight their way down a long stretch of stairs, but they could see the second Exit Orb beyond a sandstone maze around the base. Seeing a faster route, Jack encouraged them to risk a slide down the megalithic structure on a narrow yet smooth embellishment of polished copper. After they skipped a few four-armed apes, Jack used some of his stored gear to cheese things and moments later they were all running along the top of the maze’s walls, skipping over all eight onyx snapping turtles hissing up at them.

  They got the jump on the dromedary Boss with laser rifles mounted on its humps and they cleared Floor 41 in less than ten minutes. He shot a glance over to the Lancer and got a deep nod with a fist over h
is chest plate in return.

  Floor 42 was an overgrown abandoned waterpark where they needed to hunt down inflatable rafts, and no real way to abuse anything. 43 through 45 were mostly the same grind of random nonsense. 47 was an inverted aquarium where angry fish patrons gawking at sad humanoids in cages hurled spears at Jack’s party.

  The Monsters and Bosses hit harder and took more hits with each Floor, but with two 59 Heroes and a 56 Lancer on the top of his game, they shattered the swift-moving coffee mug with ranged psychic abilities guarding the end of Floor 49.

  “That one might finally be a replacement for this form,” Angry Sun Alt said as Yatts blasted him in the backside with his Revitalizing Ray. “High speed and high-damage ranged attacks that completely bypass armor.”

  Jack stroked his chin. “I haven’t morphed you on this Floor, but then we’d be stuck going into 50 with a potential dud and only one chance to swap you to something that fits the situation. Let’s keep our tried-and-true Angry Sun around for a while longer and test out the demonic coffee cup on a lower Floor some other time.”

  “I concur,” the hovering ball of fire said with a nod as he reached full health. “I’ve grown quite proficient with this form.”

  Jack turned from his loyal AI to the wooden door with a charred number 50 centered on its surface.

  “I hope I finally find a ring in here,” he mumbled to himself, then turned to the Angelshade Heroes. “We ready for the last Floor of the day?”

  They each gave him a nod, and Jack grabbed the iron ring, then all five of them appeared inside a cramped bedroom. The ground was wooden floorboards and the Exit Orb pulsed softly in the center of the small bed- impaling it.

  Jack had just detected yelling outside the room when the floor slanted under their boots.

  “Gaah,” Belda grunted, slapping her hand onto the plaster wall for stability. “We found a wild one.”

  “This feels like a hotel room,” Jack muttered as he walked up the twenty-degree incline toward the only door out. More shouting, a thud, and someone scream-gurgling on their own blood came from on the other side of the same wall, and Jack stopped with his hand on the iron door handle.