Into the Deep

by Samantha Young

  “Space?” he repeated back.

  As we stared at one another, I realized I was at once desperate for him to get away from me and yet desperate to know more. It occurred to me that much of the push and pull with Jake was because I’d never had a sense of closure. I never had closure because I still didn’t fully understand why he’d broken up with me. Never mind Melissa. Me.

  “But before space …” I tilted my head. “Why? I really want to know why you broke up with me.”

  Jake glanced at Beck and Claudia again before inching even closer to me. “You want to talk about that now?”

  “I need to know if you blamed me. You said you didn’t …”

  He studied me for far longer than I liked, emotion I didn’t understand crossing his expression. Finally he heaved a heavy sigh and nodded. “Okay. Yeah, I blamed you. It was irrational, and stupid, but I was angry. Mostly at myself for letting the shit with Brett go on for months like it did so that it culminated in the most stupid loss of life I’ve ever …” He cursed under his breath, the color leaching from his cheeks as he went on. “There was too much angry in me. And being angry at myself did nothing to dispel it so … I chose to be angry with you. I guess subconsciously, I thought because we were so close that once I was done being angry with you, you’d still be there and you’d forgive me.” He glanced away from me, his jaw tight with tension. “Didn’t work out that way,” he muttered.

  We sat for a minute in silence as I tried to process that. I think … I think it helped. And yet it didn’t. I don’t know what I expected but I didn’t expect to feel just as confused as I’d been a few minutes ago.

  “Jake, man, you’re in my seat.”

  We both jerked our heads up at the sight of Lowe standing with his arms crossed over his chest, a patient smile playing on his lips.

  Jake waved at the seat across the aisle he’d vacated. “Take mine.”

  Lowe grimaced, “Well, see, I’ve spent a good couple of hours indenting my ass cheeks into that one for optimum ass comfort and I kind of don’t want to go through the whole thing again.”

  Glowering, Jake’s eyes held a definite note of suspicion as they swung between me and Lowe. With a grunt of annoyance, Jake slid out of the seat and let Lowe back in beside me.

  My whole body breathed deep with relief.

  The tense atmosphere between us pulled tight like a cord attached to my chest and lodged into his. Despite the people and the aisle between us, I felt it pulling painfully on me and for the next couple of hours, I watched in a daze as Scotland passed by, wondering how the hell I was going to survive the next three nights around Jake.

  The worry buzzing around my brain was only momentarily halted when, what would turn out to be about thirty minutes outside of Fort William, Claudia gasped, “Oh my God.”

  “What?” I asked, frowning as I watched her eyes grow brighter and brighter as she stared outside at the deep valley below us.

  “Oh my freaking God!” she shrieked.

  I winced along with the rest of my friends and about half the passengers in the carriage. “What?”

  Her head dipped to her tablet and she tapped away at the screen. Two seconds later she shrieked again.

  “Jesus,” Beck groaned, slapping a hand protectively over his ear.

  “What the hell is going on?” I asked, suddenly worried she was going to get us kicked off the train.

  Claudia just grinned at me like a kid. “We’re on the Harry Potter viaduct that the Hogwarts Express takes!”

  That wasn’t at all what I’d been expecting, but the info had me almost slamming my head against the glass to see outside. My eyes took in the familiar scenery and I smiled, “This is so cool.”

  “Very,” Lowe agreed, smiling along with me.

  “Oh my God!” Claudia threw her hands out, her eyes wide and deadly serious. “Are they taking us to Hogwarts?”

  We stared at her, processing her question in silence for a moment.

  Laughter burst forth from us along with everyone in the vicinity who’d heard her. Realizing the improbability of her query, Claud blushed and a chuckling Beck put his arm around her and drew her into his side so he could kiss her forehead. “I get stupid when I’m excited,” she mumbled, her lips curling up at the corner so we knew she was taking our teasing laughter in good fun.

  By the time we pulled into Fort William, I’d almost forgotten the ache in my chest. But as we stepped onto the platform, breathing in the crisp, cold air, my eyes collided with Jake’s and just like that, the ache was back again.

  Claudia had given us a rundown on Fort William prior to our arrival. By the time we stepped into the town, we knew it was the largest in the Highlands, only smaller than the city of Inverness. We knew it was near the famous Ben Nevis, and we knew that it was settled on the shores of Loch Linnhe and Loch Eil. Despite being the largest town in the Highlands, it was still pretty freaking small, but I guess I wouldn’t care about that if I lived in such beautiful surroundings.

  The town center was quaint with cobbled streets and, a little like Edinburgh, really old buildings sitting next to more modern ones. When we got two taxis at the station to take us to the lodge, we discovered that our lodge was really just a house in among the homes built into the mountain, rising up away from the town center. Despite the snow-capped tops of the mountains around us, there was no snow on the roads as we wound our way through little suburbia.

  To be honest, we weren’t too disappointed when we discovered the “lodge” on a street next to residential homes. The view was unrivaled. Inside the main entrance, one set of stairs led up and another led down. Upstairs held the kitchen, a bathroom, two bedrooms, and a huge sitting room, and at the end of that room, patio doors led onto a balcony. Because we were so high up, we had a fantastic view of Fort William and the glistening loch below.

  There were five bedrooms outfitted with twin beds. Beck and Jake took one of the upstairs rooms and Lowe and Matt took the other. Denver and Rowena got a bedroom each downstairs and Claudia and I took the bedroom with the French doors that lead out onto a private terraced garden. We had mountains all around us and no neighbors above. It was so unbelievably peaceful, I just wanted to lock myself out there and the rest of my friends inside.

  Unfortunately, that wasn’t the plan. Despite the five-hour train ride, Claudia let us have only two hours to freshen up before she called a couple of taxis to take us back down the hill into town for a pub dinner and drinks.

  Wrapped up in my winter gear, I headed out with Claudia at my side and kept her there when our taxi driver dropped us off at a recommended pub. Inside, the heat from the roaring fire in the huge brickwork fireplace hit my cheeks and helped me relax. As did the fact that when we were seated at a table, Claudia was on my left, Lowe was on my right, and Rowena was opposite me. This made it much easier to avoid Jake.

  After a while the excitement of being somewhere new and scenic set in and we were all laughing and joking, swapping Christmas break stories and bemoaning our academic fate when we returned to Edinburgh.

  We were just finishing up dinner when my phone beeped. I pulled it out of my pocket to discover a text from a classmate asking me if I’d done the reading for our first week of classes. I smirked at her zeal and quickly text back that I hadn’t.

  “So you do know how to answer that thing after all,” Jake observed somewhat caustically.

  Our group stopped talking as I stuffed the phone back in my pocket, my face blank as I met Jake’s stare. I was embarrassed he’d brought up our estrangement in front of everyone, even though it was obvious to them all. Still, I didn’t want to ruin this trip for them and definitely not for Claudia because Jake had decided to corner me. The thing about cornering a confused, emotional woman is that she tends to unleash the claws in defense.

  “Depends on who is trying to get in touch with me.”

  He raised his eyebrows at my answer and shook his head in hurt disbelief, looking away from me as he took a long gulp of hi
s lager.

  I ignored the choking feeling around my throat and slumped back against my chair.

  “What was it, anyway?” Lowe asked me quietly as conversation between my friends picked up again. “Hot date?”

  “With a reading list? Yes.”

  His eyes smiled as he dragged his teeth over his lip ring. My eyes dropped to it and he grinned. “Are you staring at my mouth?”

  I glanced away, reaching for my pint. “You’re the one who drew attention to it.”

  He laughed and I smiled up into his flirting gaze, ignoring the glower blasting my way from Jake’s direction.

  An hour later Jake was so wasted, Beck and Claudia took him back to the lodge. Guilt grabbed hold of me as I watched Beck help an inebriated Jake out of the pub. Inebriated Jake was a sad Jake, and I knew I was the cause of his sadness. It took every ounce of willpower I had to stay seated and not help him back to the lodge.

  This evidence that he still cared perhaps a little too much was more proof that there was a huge possibility Jake had broken it off with Melissa because he could no longer be “just friends” with me, either.

  Holy hell. What a clusterfuck.

  I felt warm, strong fingers thread through mine and I looked up into Lowe’s face.

  “Don’t,” he told me quietly. “You’re not doing anything wrong here, Charley. You’re just trying to protect yourself and I don’t blame you.”

  His assurance made me feel better and I relaxed into him, still holding his hand. We threw back a couple more beers so we were definitely buzzed a few hours later when the pub owner came over to throw us out because he was closing.

  Rowena and Denver helped an almost-sleeping Matt into the taxi, and I climbed in beside Lowe, my hand still tight in his. Arriving back at the lodge, we discovered it was dark and silent so we tried our best to be quiet as we maneuvered Matt inside.

  We stood in the hall, Lowe and Denver now holding up a passed-out Matt. “We’ll put him downstairs with you, man,” Lowe said to Denver. “It’s easier to get him down there than upstairs.”

  Denver nodded and Rowena and I did our best to help them get Matt to bed quietly. Finally, I said goodnight to them all as Denver closed his door and Rowena disappeared into her room. I was just about to head to the room I shared with Claudia when Lowe grasped hold of my hand and tugged me gently toward him.

  Not quite as coordinated as I was when sober, I collided with his strong chest. “Oops,” I giggled, tilting my head back to meet his gaze.

  He smirked down at me. “You’re a pretty fucking cute drunk, you know that?”

  I wrinkled my nose. “I’m not cute.”

  “What’s wrong with cute?”

  “It’s so … cute.”

  Lowe snorted. “Okay, you’re a pretty fucking cute drunk but you also happen to be an incredibly sexy one too.”

  I considered that. “Okay. Bette—”

  My answer was swallowed in Lowe’s kiss. Shock blew my rationale to hell and … I kissed him back.

  “Come to my room,” he murmured against my mouth.

  “Oh God,” I breathed.

  “Charley?” His questioning eyes searched mine and he leaned back. “Do you not want to?”

  My body definitely liked the idea … but my head …

  “You’re Jake’s friend. If this was something more, it might be worth hurting him but … not for just a quick … whatever.”

  “Are you shitting me?”

  “Not really.”

  “Charley … Jake put you through hell last semester, never mind that he broke up with you. I might have been the only one who noticed how hard it’s been for you watching him with Melissa, but it doesn’t mean you didn’t feel all that. Suddenly he breaks up with Melissa and what … you’re just supposed to run to him?”

  Attempting to shake off my drunken fog, I frowned at Lowe. “You’re not stupid, Lowe. You’ve got to have seen how he looks at us when we’re hanging out.”

  “Yeah, like a jealous boyfriend. But he’s not your boyfriend and he doesn’t get to have his cake and eat it too.”

  “I’ve never understood that expression. A cake is for eating.”

  Lowe groaned. “Stop being cute when I’m trying to be serious.” He grabbed my hand and because I knew his intent wasn’t to seduce, I followed him as he dragged me upstairs and into his room.

  With a sigh, I sat down on Matt’s bed while Lowe lay down on his, kicking off his boots, his gaze questioning but patient. “I know you think I’m letting him dictate what I do but Lowe … he’s your friend. I’m his ex. If you go there, he won’t be happy. I wouldn’t be happy if he went there with Claudia. As I said, if this was serious, then maybe, but we both know it isn’t. You don’t do serious, Lowe.”

  After a moment of contemplation, Lowe gave me a reluctant nod, his eyes darkening with sincerity. “If I were the kind of guy who did serious … you’d be it, Charley.”

  I smiled at him. “While I appreciate that, I think if I was ‘it’, you’d suddenly be the kind of guy who did serious.”

  “Like Jake did?”

  The reminder of Jake’s pursuit of me when we were younger cast a pall of sadness over me, but I nodded.

  “His head is all messed up, Charley. I’m not saying he doesn’t care about you. What I’m saying is that I care about you, and I don’t want you to be the one who gets hurt again.”

  I took a deep, shaky breath. “That’s why I need space. But I’m over being a child about it. I thought I could just avoid him and bury my head in the sand and it would all be okay.”

  “But it’s not. You have to talk to him.”

  The thought sobered me. “Yeah.”

  We were quiet a while, each lost in our own thoughts. Finally, Lowe smiled tiredly. “You want to stay here?”

  In answer I slid under the covers, turning on my side to stare at Lowe who was already lying back under the duvet on his bed. “You’re a really good kisser.”

  “I know.”

  I snorted. “You definitely need to work on your confidence, though.”

  “I’m on it.”

  Smiling, I snuggled deeper against my cold pillow. “Lowe?”

  “Yeah?”

  “Thank you for being such a good friend.”

  He was silent so long, I didn’t think he was going to answer, but then he replied quietly, “You make it easy.”

  I was almost drifting off to sleep with a small smile on my lips when Lowe whispered, “Charley?”

  “Yeah?”

  “If I didn’t think it would get me hurt in the end … I’d be the guy who got serious for you.”

  His confession hung in the air around us, making tears burn in my eyes. An overwhelming melancholy set over me.

  Lowe was a great guy. The kind of guy I could really fall for. But he was right to guard himself against me, because no matter how many times I told myself otherwise, I still hadn’t let go of Jake. I was beginning to fear that I’d lose every good thing that came into my life because I just couldn’t set myself free of him.

  Light streamed in from the thin curtains hanging at the small window in Lowe and Matt’s room. My eyes rested on Lowe sprawled on his stomach, his arm dangling over the side of the twin bed, his graceful fingers almost touching the floor.

  His face seemed so much softer in sleep, but it could be that after last night, I was feeling especially tender toward him.

  Curled up on my side on Matt’s bed, nerves bit into my empty stomach at the mere thought that my friends would assume Lowe and I had slept together if they discovered I wasn’t in my room with Claudia. If I’d been a little more sober last night, I would’ve realized slipping into Matt’s bed was a terrible idea.

  At least Jake had gotten so drunk he’d passed out before realizing I’d disappeared into Lowe’s room. The clock on Matt’s bedside table told me it was just before seven in the morning. Nobody would be roaming around yet, so it seemed like a safe plan to get up now. Flipping back the covers,
I quietly got out of bed, not bothering to fix my bed head or my wrinkled clothes as I tiptoed toward the door. Passing the mirror fixed to the wall, I saw I had sleep-smeared mascara around my eyes. I looked like I’d been up to no good.

  Groaning under my breath, I pulled open the door as silently as I could, tiptoed out, and turned to click the door shut gently. Feeling a little hungover and a lot tired, I turned to head toward the kitchen for a glass of water and instead of meeting an empty hall, I met Jake.

  Frozen, I stared at him numbly as his eyes glanced from Lowe’s door to me, back to the door, and then back to me. His already pale face turned white and the glass of water in his hand trembled. His assumption settled as an unpleasant ache in my chest and before I could explain, he jerked like I’d shot him and quickly disappeared into the room he was sharing with Beck.

  Panic suffused me and I stood there, stuck in the awful moment. My breathing was harsh as I leaned against the wall, cursing fate that I’d have to have crossed paths with Jake of all people as I snuck out of Lowe’s room. Sliding down the wall, I buried my head in my hands, trying to talk myself off the ledge.

  I hadn’t cheated on Jake, for Christ’s sake! I was barely even talking to him.

  Why did it feel like a betrayal?

  Why was I terrified Jake would hate me?

  This was what I wanted. I wanted closure; I wanted Jake to let me go so I could move on. But I never wanted to move on like this, and I definitely didn’t want to put a strain between him and Lowe.

  If the horrified look on his face was any indication, I’d say Jake was not going to speak to me ever again.

  And why did that thought burn in my throat so badly, when that’s what I’d said I wanted all along?

  Winter sun shone on us as we stood outside the lodge ready to trek down the hill to the center of the small town. There we’d decide where we were going to eat before we got taxis out to the Ben Nevis Whisky Distillery.

  I was staring down at the beautiful sight of the sun glinting across Loch Linnhe, waiting on Claudia to declare us fit to go and worrying about Jake who’d told Beck he wasn’t feeling up to leaving his bed. Ten minutes earlier I’d pulled Lowe aside and warned him about my encounter with Jake. His mouth had gotten tight but he’d given me a reassuring pat on the shoulder. I guessed that meant he would deal with it.