Lauren Weisberger 5-Book Collection

by Lauren Weisberger

  ‘You have umbrellas?’ I asked before I could stop myself. The water had soaked entirely through my shirt and I could feel my blanket-thick hair sticking to my neck in wet, cold clumps.

  ‘Sure do. Keep ’em right here for situations just like this. But I’m sure you wouldn’t be interested in taking one of them, right?’

  ‘Right. I’m just fine.’ To think I’d almost begun warming up to him. Just then a livery cab drove by, and I had the brilliant idea to call UBS’s car service for a ride home.

  ‘Hi, this is Bette Robinson with account number six-three-three-eight. I need a car to pick me up at—’

  ‘All booked!’ barked back an angry-sounding female dispatcher.

  ‘No, I don’t think you understand. I have an account with your company and—’

  Click.

  I stood there soaking wet, anger boiling inside me.

  ‘No cars, huh? Tough,’ he said, clucking sympathetically without looking up from the book. I’d managed to skim Lady Chatterley’s Lover when I was twelve and had already gleaned as much about sex as possible from the combination of Forever, Wifey and What’s Happening to My Body? Book for Girls, but I didn’t remember anything about it. Perhaps that had to do with a poor memory, or maybe it was the fact that sex hadn’t even been a part of my consciousness for the last two years. Or maybe it was that the plots of my beloved romance novels crowded my thoughts at all times. Whatever it was, I couldn’t even recall something snide to say about it, never mind clever. ‘No cars.’ I sighed. ‘Just not my night.’

  He took a few steps out in the rain and handed me a long executive’s umbrella, already unfurled, with the club’s logo emblazoned on both sides. ‘Take it. Walk to Eighth, and if you still can’t get a cab, talk to the doorman at Serena, Twenty-third between Seventh and Eighth. Tell him I sent you, and he’ll work it out.’

  I considered walking right past him and getting on the subway, but the idea of riding around in a train car at one in the morning was hardly appealing. ‘Thanks,’ I mumbled, refusing to meet what would surely be his gloating eyes. I took the umbrella and started walking east, feeling him watch me from behind.

  Five minutes later, I was tucked in the backseat of a big yellow taxi, wet but finally warm.

  I gave the driver my address and slumped back, exhausted. At this hour, cabs were good for two things and two things only: making out with someone on your way home from a good night out or catching up with multiple people in three-minute-or-less cell-phone conversations. Since neither was an option, I rested my wet hair on the patch of filthy vinyl where so many greasy, unwashed, oiled, lice-ridden, and generally unkempt heads had rested before mine, closed my eyes, and anticipated the sniffling, hysterical welcome I would soon receive from Millington. Who needed a man – or even a newly engaged best friend – when you had a dog?

  3

  The week following Penelope’s engagement party was nearly unbearable. It was my fault, of course: there are many ways to piss off your parents and rebel against your entire upbringing without enslaving yourself in the process, but I was clearly too stupid to find them. So instead I sat inside my shower-sized cubicle at UBS Warburg – as I had every day for the past fifty-six months – and death-gripped the phone, which was currently discolored by a layer of Maybelline Fresh Look foundation (in Tawny Blush) and a few splotches of L’Oreal Wet Shine lip gloss (in Rhinestone Pink). I wiped it off as best I could while pressing the receiver to my ear and rubbed my grubby fingers clean underneath the desk chair. I was being berated by a ‘minimum,’ someone who only invests the million-dollar minimum with my division and is therefore excruciatingly demanding and detail-oriented in a way that forty-million-dollar clients never are.

  ‘Mrs Kaufman, I truly understand your concern over the market’s slight decline, but let me assure you that we have everything under control. I realize your nephew the interior decorator thinks your portfolio is top-heavy with corporate bonds, but I assure you our traders are excellent, and always looking out for your best interests. I don’t know if a thirty-two percent annual gain is realistic in this economic environment, but I’ll have Aaron give you a call as soon as he gets back to his desk. Yes. Of course. Yes. Yes. Yes, I will absolutely have him call you the moment he returns from the meeting. Yes. Certainly. Of course. Yes. Naturally. Yes. A pleasure hearing from you, as always. All right, then. Bye-bye.’ I waited until I heard the click on her end and then slammed down the phone.

  Nearly five years and I’d yet to utter the word no, as apparently you need to have at least seventy-two months’ experience before being qualified to go there. I went to send Aaron a quick email begging him to return Mrs Kaufman’s call so she would finally stop stalking me and was surprised to see that he was back at his desk, busily blast-emailing us his daily inspirational bullshit.

  Good morning, folks. Let’s remember to show our clients our high energy levels! Our relationships with these good folks comprise our whole business – they appreciate our patience and consideration as much as our results-oriented portfolio handling. I’m pleased to announce a new weekly group meeting, one that I hope will allow us all to brainstorm ways we may better serve our clients. It will be held each Friday at 7 a.m. and will provide us with an opportunity to think outside the box. Breakfast is on me, folks, so bring yourselves and your thinking caps and remember, ‘Great discoveries and improvements invariably involve the cooperation of many minds.’ – Alexander Graham Bell.

  I stared at the email so long my eyes began to glaze over. Were his insistence on using the word folks and his constant references to ‘thinking outside the box’ more or less annoying than his inclusion of the phrase thinking caps? Did he craft and send these emails just to add to the all-pervasive misery and hopelessness of my days? I pondered this for a few moments, desperate to think about anything other than the seven A.M. meeting announcement. I managed to move beyond it long enough to field another frantic call, this time from Mrs Kaufman’s nephew, that lasted a record fifty-seven minutes, ninety percent of which he spent accusing me of things that were entirely beyond my control while I said nothing or, occasionally, just to switch things up, agreed with him that I was, in fact, as dumb and useless as he claimed.

  I hung up and resumed staring listlessly at the email. I wasn’t exactly sure how Mr Bell’s quote applied to my life or why I should care, but I did know if I planned to escape for lunch, now was my only chance. I’d abided by the no-leaving-for-lunch policy my first few years at UBS Warburg and dutifully ordered in each day, but lately Penelope and I had brazenly begun sneaking out for ten, twelve minutes a day to retrieve our own takeout and cram in as much whining and gossip as possible. An IM popped up on my screen.

  P.Lo: Ready? Let’s do falafel. Meet at the 52nd Street cart in five?

  I punched in the letter Y, hit Send, and draped my suit jacket over the back of my chair to indicate my presence. One of the managers glanced at me when I picked up my purse, so I filled my mug with steaming coffee as additional proof that I hadn’t left the premises and placed it in the middle of my desk. I mumbled something about the bathroom to my fellow cubicle dwellers, who were too busy transferring their own facial grime to their telephones to even notice, and walked confidently toward the hallway. Penelope worked in the real-estate division two floors above me and was already in the elevator, but like two well-trained CIA operatives, we didn’t so much as glance at each other. She let me exit first and circle the lobby for a minute while she ducked outside and casually strolled past the fountain. I followed as best I could in my ugly, uncomfortable heels, the humidity hitting my face like a wall. We didn’t speak until we’d blended into the line of midtown office drones who stood both quietly and restlessly, wanting to savor their few precious minutes of daily freedom but instinctively getting pissy and frustrated at having to wait for anything.

  ‘What are you having?’ Penelope asked, her eyes scanning the three different carts of sizzling and highly aromatic ethnic food that men in varyin
g costumes and facial hair were steaming, slicing, sautéing, skewering, frying, and heaving toward the hungry suits.

  ‘It’s all some sort of meat on a stick or dough-filled something,’ I said tonelessly, surveying the smoky meats. ‘Does it matter?’

  ‘Someone’s in a great mood today.’

  ‘Oh, I’m sorry, I forgot, I should be thrilled that five years of slave labor have turned out so well. I mean, look at us, how glamorous is this?’ I waved my arms expansively in front of us. ‘It’s sad enough we don’t get to go out to lunch at some point in the middle of a sixteen-hour workday, but it’s fucking pathetic that we aren’t even permitted to pick out our food ourselves.’

  ‘This is nothing new, Bette. I don’t know why you’re getting so stressed about it now.’

  ‘Just a particularly lousy day. If it’s possible to distinguish one from the next.’

  ‘Why? Anything happen?’

  I wanted to say ‘Two rings?’ but restrained myself as an overweight woman wearing a skirt suit worse than mine and a pair of white leather Reeboks over her tights spilled hot sauce down the front of her embroidered, ruffled blouse. I saw myself in ten years and nearly lurched forward with queasiness.

  ‘Of course nothing happened, that’s the whole point!’ I all but screamed. Two blond guys who looked fresh off the Princeton eating club path turned and looked at me curiously. I thought about composing myself for a minute since, well, they were both really cute, but I soon remembered that these obscenely hot lacrosse players were not only way too young, but most likely also had obscenely gorgeous girlfriends eight years my junior.

  ‘Seriously, Bette, I don’t know what you’re looking for. I mean, it’s a job, right? It’s still work. It doesn’t matter what you do, it’s never going to be like sitting at the country club all day long, you know? Sure, it sucks to spend every waking minute at work. And I don’t exactly adore finance, either – I never fantasized about working at a bank – but it’s just not that bad.’

  Penelope’s parents had tried to push her toward a position at Vogue or Sotheby’s as the final finishing school in the pursuit of her Mrs degree, but when she’d insisted on joining the rest of us in corporate America, they’d acquiesced – it was certainly possible to find a husband while working in finance, as long as she kept her priorities straight, didn’t display any overt ambition, and quit immediately after the wedding. Truth be told, though, while she whined and complained about the job, I think she actually liked it.

  She handed over a ten-dollar bill to cover both of our ‘kebab’ plates, and my eyes were drawn to her hand like a magnet. Even I had to admit the ring was gorgeous. I said as much, for the tenth time, and she beamed. It was hard to be upset about the engagement when she was so obviously giddy. Avery had even stepped it up since the proposal and had managed to impersonate a real, caring fiancé, which of course had made her even happier. He’d met her after work so they could go home together, and had even brought her breakfast in bed. More important, he had refrained from clubbing, his favorite pastime, for a full three weeks now, the only exception being last week’s soiree in their honor. Penelope didn’t mind that Avery wanted to spend as much time as humanly possible wedged in between banquettes – or dancing on them – but she wanted no part of it. On the nights he was out with friends from his consulting firm, Penelope and I would sit at the Black Door, dive-bar extraordinaire, with Michael (when he was available), drinking beer and wondering why anyone would want to be anywhere else. But someone must’ve clued Avery in that while it’s acceptable to leave your girlfriend home six nights a week, ditching your fiancée is different, so he’d made a concerted effort to cut back. I knew it would never last.

  We retraced our steps to the building and sneaked back into the office with only a single dirty look from the rule-abiding UBS shoe-shine guy (who, incidentally, was also forbidden to leave during lunch in case a pair of wing tips desperately needed a spit-shine between one and two P.M.). Penelope followed me back to my cubicle and planted herself on the chair that was theoretically for guests and clients, although I’d yet to host either.

  ‘So, we set a date,’ she said breathlessly, digging into the fragrant plate she balanced on her lap.

  ‘Oh, yeah? When?’

  ‘Exactly one year from next week. August tenth, on Martha’s Vineyard, which seems appropriate since that’s where it all began. We’ve been engaged for a few weeks, and already our mothers are going berserk. I seriously don’t know how I’m going to put up with them.’

  Avery’s and Penelope’s families had been vacationing together since the two were toddlers. There were scads of photos of the whole lot of them sporting grosgrain flip-flops and cheap-chic L.L. Bean monogrammed totes in Martha’s Vineyard during the summer and Stubbs and Wootton slippers during ski vacations in the Adirondacks each year. She’d gone to Nightingale and he’d been at Collegiate and both of them had spent a good chunk of their respective childhoods being paraded around by their socialite mothers to various benefits and parties and weekend polo matches. Avery embraced it, threw himself on every junior committee of every foundation that asked, went out six nights a week with his parents’ unlimited line of credit, and was one of those New York–born-and-bred kids who knew everyone, everywhere. Much to her parents’ chagrin, Penelope had no interest whatsoever. She repeatedly rejected the whole circuit, preferring to spend all her time with a group of misfit artist types on scholarship, the kind of kids who gave Penelope’s mother night sweats. Avery and Penelope had never really been close – and certainly not remotely romantic – until Avery had graduated high school a year before her and headed to Emory. According to Penelope, who’d always harbored an intense secret crush on Avery, he’d been one of the most popular kids in school, the charming, athletic soccer player who got adequate grades and was hot enough to get away with being really, really arrogant. From what I could tell, she’d always blended into the background, like all exotically pretty girls do at an age when only blond hair and big boobs count, spending a lot of time getting good grades and trying desperately not to get noticed. And it worked, at least until Avery came back for summer break after his freshman year in college, looked across the hot tub at their families’ shared house in the Vineyard, and saw everything about Penelope that was long and graceful and gorgeous – her doe-like limbs and her stick-straight black hair and the eyelashes that framed her enormously wide brown eyes.

  So she did what every good girl knows is completely wrong – for the reputation, the self-esteem, and the strategy of making him call the next day – and slept with him then and there, mere minutes after he leaned over to kiss her for the very first time. (‘I just couldn’t help it,’ she’d said a million times while retelling the story. ‘I couldn’t believe that Avery Wainwright was interested in me!’) But unlike all the other girls I knew who’d had sex within hours of meeting some guy and never heard from him again, Penelope and Avery proceeded to attach themselves to each other, and their engagement was little more than a much approved and applauded formality.

  ‘Are they being worse than usual?’

  She sighed and rolled her eyes. ‘‘Worse than usual.’ An interesting phrase. I would’ve thought it was impossible, but yes, my mother has managed to become even more unbearable lately. Our last knock-down brawl was over whether or not you could rightfully call something a wedding dress if it wasn’t designed by Vera Wang or Carolina Herrera. I said yes. She obviously disagreed. Vehemently.’

  ‘Who won?’

  ‘I caved on that because, really, I don’t care who makes the dress as long as I like it. I figure I have to pick my battles very, very carefully, and the one I will not be compromising on is the wedding announcement.’

  ‘Define “wedding announcement.”’

  ‘Don’t make me.’ She grinned and took a swig of Dr Pepper.

  ‘Say it.’

  ‘Please, Bette, this sucks enough. Don’t make me say it.’

  ‘C’mon, Pen. Own up. Go
on, it’ll get easier after the first time. Just say it.’ I nudged her chair with my foot and leaned in to relish the information.

  She covered her perfect, pale forehead with her long, thin hands and shook her head. ‘New York Times.’

  ‘I knew it! Will and I will be gentle, I promise. She’s not kidding around, is she?’

  ‘Of course she’s not!’ Penelope wailed. ‘And naturally, Avery’s mother’s dying for it also.’

  ‘Oh, Pen, it’s perfect! You guys make such a cute couple, and now everyone else can see it, too!’ I cackled.

  ‘You should hear them, Bette, it’s hideous. Both of them are already fantasizing about all those fancy private schools they can list between them. Do you know I overheard my mother on the phone the other day with the Weddings editor, saying that she’d like to include all the siblings’ schools as well? The woman told her that they won’t even discuss it until six weeks before, but that hasn’t discouraged anyone: Avery’s mom already made an appointment for the photo shoot and has all sorts of ideas about how we can pose so that our eyebrows are level, which is one of the published suggestions. The wedding is still a year away!’

  ‘Yes, but these things require lots of advance planning and research.’

  ‘That’s what they said!’ she cried.

  ‘What about eloping?’ But before she could answer, Aaron made a big show of knocking on my cubicle wall and waving his arms to imitate regret at breaking up our ‘little powwow,’ as he irritatingly called our lunches.