I Let Him Go (Revised And Updated Edition)

by Fergus, Denise

  I was anxious about telling my family – they had finally stopped worrying so much about me and gone back to focusing on their own lives, which was a huge relief for me. We still saw each other all the time, but that raw anxiety for my state of mind had subsided and I know they all felt relieved that Ralph and I had Michael to focus on. They’d all done so much for us, pausing their own lives in order to hold up Ralph and I – the last thing I wanted was for them to feel responsible for me now that Ralph had gone. Initially, I decided to keep the news to myself as much as possible, so although I told my brothers and sisters, I didn’t tell my mum. She had struggled so much over the last year – losing my dad and then watching me bury my baby had left her totally altered. Her world was still spinning and all the stress meant she was exhausted and so terribly sad, I couldn’t face adding to that.

  So I gathered my siblings to tell them and then banned them from telling Mum. They agreed to do it for me but I remember my brother saying, ‘Fine, but she isn’t stupid, Denise, you know what she’s like – she knows immediately when something is up. You won’t get away with it for long.’ One person I did have to tell was Sean, because I knew that if the news got picked up by the press they would go straight to him for a comment, so I needed to make sure he knew what was going on.

  Sean was surprised by the news. He told me recently, ‘I thought you were good for each other – Ralph was never demonstrative but he was a quiet and steady guy. I remember getting the phone call from you to say you were splitting up and I was shocked. Ralph just never got over James and he never found a way through, whereas your way of coping was to throw yourself into the campaigning which took up all your energy.’

  I tried my best to protect the family the way they had me but, in the end, I had no choice and the cat was out of the bag. Not long after Ralph went, my mum came round for the day to see Michael. We were catching up over a cup of tea when a black BMW suddenly pulled up outside the house. Ralph’s brother, Jimmy, had recently bought a black BMW with a registration that began with an R, but Sean had a car with a similar registration. I peeked out of the window and saw what I thought was Sean’s car and I panicked, thinking, Oh God, Sean’s here to talk about the divorce and Mum is here!

  I knew I was going to have to confess, I was sitting on the floor and thought, I’ve just got to blurt it out. So I said, ‘Right Mum, Ralph’s left me. Don’t kick off, I’m fine, I’ve got Michael and it’s for the best.’ All the words came tumbling out while I still had the courage, and I tried as best I could to put a positive spin on it, but telling my mum the news opened up a real sense of devastation in me. Somehow telling her really brought home what I had lost. I had been on autopilot since he’d left and in total denial that he would cheat on me after all we had been through. Of course Mum had known that something was up, and she was so upset for me. The irony was that it wasn’t even Sean’s car in the end!

  Once the shock had worn off, I decided that the priority was Michael – obviously I hadn’t wanted him to grow up in a broken home, but he had two parents and he needed to know they were still fully invested in him. The problem was that Ralph didn’t seem to agree with me. At first we worked out a system for weekend visits and they began well, but there wasn’t the consistency that a small child needs and the contact was very sporadic. I found the uncertainty very hard to deal with – I would build myself up to handing Michael over, only for Ralph not to turn up. I also had to cope with being separated from my baby – after the way I had lost James, Michael wasn’t out of my sight for a second, so imagine how I felt having to hand my baby son over to my soon-to-be ex-husband and goodness knows who else. Ralph was a good dad but I had no idea what was going to happen to Michael when I wasn’t there – would they keep their eyes on him? Would they keep him safe? I hated every minute of it because I saw danger everywhere and, by the time Ralph left me, I hadn’t even taken Michael to the shops. Never in my wildest dreams had I imagined a simple shopping trip with James would end the way it did and, as a result, I was terrified of everything.

  Chapter 18

  My Rock

  Initially, I found it impossible to comprehend that life marched on despite the fact my boy wasn’t here living it with me. It took me a long time to stop feeling guilty if I didn’t think about James every minute of every day, but keeping busy with Michael was a godsend and helped push out the deep, dark thoughts. However, new challenges presented themselves as Michael grew from a tiny baby into a busy toddler, especially when it came to going out once he could walk. My anxieties came to a head when Michael celebrated his second birthday – the last one that James had seen. It was a bittersweet milestone.

  I had been determined never to compare the boys or miss Michael’s key moments by fixating on the fact that James had never reached them. But the deep-seated paranoia and worry never left me, and I can see now that it did get in the way of us enjoying some things that other children took for granted. It also meant that Michael was never out of my sight – he slept in my bed with me and we spent every minute together. There was no playgroup or nursery, no play dates without me, no staying over with his cousins, I had to have him with me all the time and that’s just the way it was. I wasn’t bothered about dating anyone new because I wasn’t really interested in anything apart from Michael.

  That meant I didn’t have a social life to speak of. My brothers and sisters occasionally came round to babysit, forcing me to go out with my friends for a few drinks. They would say, ‘Denise, you haven’t let your hair down for months, we will sit with the baby while he sleeps, go out and have some fun.’ Looking back it was strange to think that I was living such a secluded life when I was only 28 years old. I suppose it wouldn’t have mattered if I had still been married, but I was a single mum with a murdered child and I didn’t particularly feel like a catch with everything that I’d been through.

  That all changed one night during the summer of 1996, when Michael was two and a half years old. I’d been going through a particularly hermit-like phase, during which I had barely left the house – sometimes everything overwhelmed me and I didn’t want to see anyone at all. After a while, my brother Paul came round demanding that I went out for the night, so I arranged to meet some of the girls at the Cavern Club. Eventually I got ready and made my way into town, the girls were already there and we had a couple of drinks and a chat. We were queuing at the bar and I could feel myself relaxing when, all of a sudden, the bloke being served asked me if I wanted a drink.

  According to Stuart, he glanced over his shoulder and spotted a petite girl in a red dress and he plucked up the courage to turn around as he was giving his order and ask what I would like to drink. He was out for a friend’s 21st birthday in a big group, so it was quite brave to do it in front of his mates. I remember turning to my friend and saying, ‘Oh go on then, it would be rude not to.’

  We sat down for a while and Stuart asked if I was married and had kids, and it suddenly dawned on me that he didn’t have a clue who I was. I was stunned, but I can’t tell you how refreshing it was for a few minutes to be out and have someone talking to me like a normal person, not a victim, not ‘poor Denise’ or ‘poor James’ mum’. Suddenly one of Stuart’s mates kicked him in the back of the ankle and called him back over to the bar. Stuart looked annoyed that we had been interrupted and went off to see what was wrong.

  Stuart recalls, ‘He told me who you were and I was mortified. I felt like such an idiot. I apologised, but you didn’t mind at all, so I decided to try my luck and ask for your number. To me, despite the fact you were James’ mum, you were just a gorgeous woman I wanted to have a drink with.

  ‘I hadn’t really paid much attention to the media surrounding James’ story and so I didn’t know a lot of detail – had I known I would definitely have been too shy and anxious to make a move. In all honesty I probably would have thought, Poor cow, I should leave her alone, last thing she wants on a night out is to talk to the likes of me. But I got your number and we each
went back to our mates, and I knew immediately that something was there. I left it a few days, so you didn’t think I was too keen, and then called and asked you out.’

  It felt very strange for me, the idea of going on a date. But Stuart seemed like a nice man, and the girls encouraged me, so I said yes. I didn’t really think any more of it – having a small child at home takes up a lot of energy. Stuart still has a good memory of that evening, ‘We arranged that I would pick you up on the Thursday, less than a week after we had met. I knocked on the door and your sister answered, inviting me in. We were chatting in the hallway when suddenly you came down the stairs in a knock-out dress. I thought to myself, Blimey, she has really pulled out the stops here, she looks absolutely stunning. I couldn’t believe how amazing you looked. I was just about to tell you when you looked up at me and said, “Oh God, I had forgotten you were coming, I am just on my way out with my mates.” I should have been insulted that you’d forgotten but it was genuinely hilarious. We ended up staying in for a takeaway and a few drinks, and I left knowing that I was smitten, but we took things really slowly.

  ‘It was a long time before I was introduced to Michael and there was never any doubt he was your absolute priority. You were really straight down the line about the fact that you were a mother first and foremost. I also knew that you had been hurt by your first husband – it was clear that you needed time to learn how to trust again. That was fine by me, I knew from the first date that I wasn’t going anywhere, I knew you were the one for me.’

  It was a much slower process for me. I liked Stuart straight away but I needed to be sure I properly trusted him and that a new relationship wouldn’t unsettle my son. For that reason, Stuart meeting Michael was low down on my list of priorities for a long time. But it soon became clear that, despite being younger than me – he was 20 years old and I was 28 – Stuart was really serious about us, baggage and all. There were no games, and he let me know immediately that he wasn’t interested in anyone else. I was secure in his feelings for me and that felt great after the uncertainty at the end of my first marriage.

  Finally, we decided that it was the right time for Stuart to meet Michael and it was hilarious. We arranged it so that Stuart would come round just before Michael’s bedtime and so he arrived with some drinks, a box of chocolates and a bunch of flowers for me – something that continued every week for a long time, but mysteriously stopped once we were married!

  Stuart also brought Michael a massive bag of sweets and I warned him there were too many and that it wasn’t a good idea to give him so many sweets before bedtime, but he ignored me and handed the whole bag over to Michael, who instantly set about demolishing the lot. After he’d finished, Michael started running around, no doubt experiencing a huge sugar rush. He warmed to Stuart immediately, cuddling up to him and chatting away. He was hanging on to Stuart’s legs and said, ‘I like you Stuart.’ It was a really sweet moment and I felt myself relaxing, thinking, Perhaps this wasn’t such a bad idea after all. Then, suddenly, Michael threw up right into Stuart’s lap. It went everywhere and Stuart’s face was a picture – he was horrified! I started to laugh and told Stuart in no uncertain terms that it would be his job to clean it all up as he’d been the one with the sweets, but it broke the ice perfectly. Michael liked Stuart, which allowed me to acknowledge that I liked him too. It all felt really strange, and another huge step away from James, but what could I do? I knew that standing still wasn’t an option, all I could do was make sure that James was as much a part of my new life as possible, and Stuart has always been amazing about that.

  Right from the start I told Stuart all about James, what had happened to him and the effect it had on me. I wanted him to know as much as possible about my lovely boy but I also didn’t sugar-coat the devastation that Venables and Thompson had caused my family. I told him all that I could – Stuart knows exactly what I know – and more than once I offered him a way out, telling him that I would totally understand if it was all too much and he wanted to walk away. There were times I didn’t even want to be me, so I had no issue imagining it might be impossible for anyone else to be with me. But Stuart has never been troubled by anything I have thrown at him – and there have been many times when he could have legitimately called it quits and I wouldn’t have blamed him for a second. Right from the very beginning he was my rock and mainstay, he just stepped into that role with total ease.

  We met in the June and had a few dates before Stuart went away on holiday. I thought that this would be a good time for us both to assess where things were. We missed each other a lot, and when Stuart came back we decided he should move in for a trial run. Michael adored him and everything just clicked into place, although it took my breath away when he first called Stuart ‘Daddy’. We became a family and I felt an overwhelming sense of peace for the first time in a very, very long while.

  Everything was different with Stuart. If he went out, he asked me to go with him. I knew when he was coming back and I knew that I was enough for him. I can’t even begin to explain what a relief that was for me. But what made me completely fall in love with him was the way he was with Michael – he doted on him without reservation, he always called him ‘our Michael’ and treated him as preciously as I did.

  It was a lot to take on his shoulders and in the early days I was sure that our families would have something to say about the new relationship. Mine continued to be very protective, even more so after Ralph, but they welcomed Stuart with open arms once they got to know him. Ray says, ‘If you were smiling that was good enough for us. The minute we saw you together we could see you adored each other and anyone who brought joy to your life was fine by me. It was so fantastic to see you living again and the way Stuart treated Michael was fantastic, like he was his own son right from day one.’

  I think Stuart’s mum struggled a bit more, and I could completely understand why. Stuart’s parents split up when he was young and he had lived with his mum, so they were close. His mum had met and married her second husband and they left Formby and moved to Brighton where Stuart went to school. But as soon as he finished the sixth form, aged 18 years old, Stuart moved back to Liverpool to become an electrician and live with his dad in Crosby. Two years later he met me and, as a mother of lads the same age now, I can see that 20 was very young to settle down with a woman who already had a child – never mind everything else that came with me.

  Stuart’s dad lived in Liverpool and so, when they discussed me, obviously he knew who I was and all about James. He didn’t really have an opinion, at least if he did he didn’t voice it! But Stuart was too scared to tell his mum we were dating for quite a long time, so he ended up waiting until we moved in together. She wasn’t impressed – her exact words were, ‘She comes with a lot of baggage.’

  I’m the first to admit that she was right and I often wonder what we would both say if our Michael moved in, at such a young age, with someone who had experienced so much deep trauma. I suppose you never know how you will react until it is your own child, maybe I would be the same. Either way, Stuart’s mum and I didn’t get off to the best start.

  She came up one time early on in our relationship and met Michael, but the situation was strained. While I was understanding of her concerns as a mother, I won’t lie and say that I looked forward to having her in the house – you could feel the disapproval coming off her in waves. In the end it was too much for her and, when we did eventually get married, she decided to stay away from the wedding – Stuart’s dad came but she didn’t. Stuart is just like his dad, laid back and relaxed, but his mum just couldn’t get to a place where she was comfortable with us being together. Things did settle down over the years and, luckily, Stuart made up with her at the end before she died of cancer.

  Things became serious quite quickly after he moved in, but it was still hard for Stuart to break through some of my defences – after all that had happened, my guard was well and truly up. He also had to get to grips with the fact that Michael was the mo
st important thing in my life and that wasn’t going to change.

  Stuart and I laugh a lot about that now, he says, ‘When I met you, Michael was two and a half years old and still sleeping next to you. It took me months to ease him into his own bed and room – slowly but surely we agreed to do it a bit at a time. Whatever top you had been wearing that day, you would take it off and wrap around him so that he felt close to you in his own bed. Hilariously he was only next door, but it was a big adjustment for you both. It was a military operation and one I had to deal with sensitively and carefully for both of your sakes. I didn’t want to come between you but we also needed to find a balanced way to be a family. It wasn’t just the sleeping that we had to address, I also needed to find a way for you to let me in when it came to looking after Michael. When we had been together for a while, it was only natural I would want to shoulder some of the childcare, so I would ask to take him to the shops or the park and it was a straight no. You didn’t even consider it, you would simply shut it down, and that was hard as you can’t help but feel you aren’t trusted.’

  I can see now how difficult it was for Stuart but, in all honesty, that wasn’t my priority. That sounds awful but I had been the one with James when he was abducted, he was my most precious thing and even I couldn’t keep him safe. It was almost impossible for me to imagine anyone else doing a good enough job with Michael, even Stuart. Unfortunately for him, us meeting also coincided with Michael being the same age James had been when he was murdered.

  Stuart has always understood my anxiety but he has worked hard to normalise certain things – so rather than get annoyed when I said no to him taking Michael out, he would say, ‘Come too.’ I know it has been a hard process for him at times, but he did show me how life could be if I eased up and let things happen naturally. I spent a lot of our early relationship feeling terrified, but Stuart was there to reassure and support me. He came from a background with a dad and a stepdad who were really involved in his upbringing, so he was used to the idea of co-parenting. He never tried to be Michael’s dad but he was there for me. I learnt how to have a partner when it came to the kids – and I would have been happy to share those duties with Ralph if he’d wanted to. As it was, Michael just didn’t see much of Ralph so it was never an issue really. Without trying or any kind of conversation, Michael started treating Stuart like his dad and that was that.