Feel the Fire (Hotshots)

by Annabeth Albert

  “Not all of his advice sucked.”

  “True. But I want you happy, Tucker.” He leaned in, trailing his fingers down Tucker’s jaw. “Not obligated out of a sense of fairness or anything else like that. And asking you to give up your job, start hunting nearer to me, that feels like too much. I’ve seen the way Adams looks at you. He wants you to be director eventually.”

  “Yeah, he does. But what do I want? That’s what I keep coming back to. If I don’t look, I’ll never know what I might have found. You see this really wise guy told me it wasn’t too late to chase my dreams.”

  Luis’s eyes went so wide he could actually feel the stretch. “You’re going to do it? The thirty-five-year-old rookie smoke jumper?”

  “Well, I’m not sure if they’ll have me, but I want back on the front lines of fires for sure. I want something different than hiring techs and forestry management. I miss being on a crew, and I hadn’t really ever given myself space to acknowledge that. I want more adrenaline and outdoors in my days.”

  “That’s...risky.” Luis couldn’t help it. His mind flashed back to Mike and how much worry sucked. Tucker potentially risking his life for a dangerous job was hardly a comforting prospect. But he also knew he couldn’t keep Tucker from his dreams, and the part of him that wasn’t scared shitless was so proud of him for having this realization.

  “I’ll be careful.” Tucker met Luis’s gaze, and in his eyes, Luis could see how much thought he had given this, how much he wanted it.

  “You mean it, don’t you? This wouldn’t simply be you moving to make me happy?”

  “No. I want to make me happy. And yeah, part of that is us together, a life together, but I also want to see if I can find a job I truly love.”

  “I want that for you too.” Luis squeezed his hand again, less reassurance for Tucker and more anchor for himself, for all these rising emotions in him.

  “Good. I don’t have all the answers yet, but I want the freedom to hunt them down, be open to ones I haven’t considered yet.”

  “I can do that for you. Give you space to find those dreams again. Even if that means getting okay with you hurling yourself out of airplanes.”

  “One step at a time.” Tucker gave him a fast kiss. “I’m going to start by talking about my plans at family dinner tomorrow. You’re coming.”

  “I am? Feels like maybe I’d get in the way of that conversation.”

  Tucker’s mouth pursed and his shoulders firmed up. “It’s family dinner. You’re family now or at least on your way to that status. I want you there.”

  Luis had to inhale sharply. His deepest wish right there, Tucker wanting it too. It was almost too much. “You want me to be family?”

  “More than anything.” This time Tucker’s kiss was long and lingering, and Luis believed him, could feel the strength of his conviction in his possessive grip and sweetly claiming lips.

  “Me too.” Luis wasn’t ever letting this go, not even when it got hard. They would be a family. He was ready to make that happen.

  * * *

  Tucker was determined to not be nervous at family dinner on Wednesday, but somehow he couldn’t seem to stop the weird revving of his pulse. But at the same time, Luis by his side at the table simply felt right. Like he was supposed to be here. Like he truly was part of the family, exactly like Tucker had told him the night before. Even so, his heart rate kicked up again as the twins came barreling in, starving and full of apologies as they took their seats.

  “Dude!” Wade gestured at Luis in between filling his plate with the salmon and potatoes Isaac had made. “You guys made up! I knew you’d get your heads out of your—”

  “Language,” Tucker warned even as he had to fight back a laugh. Wade might put it far more colorfully, but they had been rather stubborn, him especially, and he had needed his eyes opened to the possibility of getting everything he wanted.

  “I’m just saying I’m happy for you guys.” Wade beamed as he created a mountain of garlic mashed potatoes. “So happy that I’ll sleep here tonight.”

  “You don’t have to do that,” Luis protested, sending Tucker a look. Tucker, however, wasn’t going to turn down more alone time. Sure, they could cuddle quietly if the boys came back with them, but privacy had its benefits too.

  “It’s what...your last night together? I want it to be nice.” Wade shrugged.

  “Thanks. And yeah, I’m going to drive the first part tomorrow after work if I can, then the rest in a long day Friday.” Luis was understandably eager to get back to help the ongoing fire situation his home office was dealing with. Tucker might want the extra night with him, but it wasn’t like parting was going to be easy either way.

  “And how’s that going to work anyway?” Wade charged ahead into the question Tucker had been both anticipating and dreading. “If I go to Kansas, your frequent flier miles are going to be crazy high between that and California.”

  “Yup. Lots of visits. And...” He took a breath to steady that tap-dancing pulse of his. At least Wade had saved him the trouble of figuring out how to bring this up on his own. “I might be job hunting.”

  “You might be what?” Heidi’s fork clattered to the table, and her what was echoed by several other voices.

  “Right on.” Wade was the only one at the table still beaming. “If you move, the graduation trip to Disneyland is gonna be lit.”

  “Who said anything about Disneyland?” Somehow Tucker’s brain latched on to that detail rather than try to sort out all the other reactions happening.

  “Who said anything about moving?” Heidi’s question was fast behind his, but Wade did a dismissive gesture.

  “Dad did. Disney is going to be my price for being good with this news. That and maybe you can pick an apartment complex with a pool.”

  “Whoa. Slow down.” Tucker wasn’t quite to the where-to-live part yet. Visits, then job hunting, then they could cross the question of cohabitation. Typical Wade though to jump right to what he wanted out of this, and while dizzying, at least he was enthusiastic, unlike the others.

  “Yes, how about slowing down?” Heidi gave him a censuring look he knew well. She was peeved he hadn’t told her first, and he supposed that was valid. There was also a fair bit of “Tucker, be rational” in her expression and tone too.

  Not enjoying being on the defensive, he held up a hand. “I didn’t say I was moving tomorrow or anything. Maybe eventually though. It’s on the horizon, something I want to seriously consider.”

  Under the table, Luis patted his leg, a welcome reassurance that they were in this together. And they were. He had to trust that the rest of the family would come around.

  “I sure hope you know what you’re doing.” Heidi’s drawn-out exhale said that she wasn’t quite there yet, but her tone was more resigned than angry.

  “I do.” He knew better than to show doubts. He needed to be confident, not only for the kids and Heidi, but also for Luis, who needed to believe him that this was the path he wanted to take. “I’m not going to lie though, it would be easier if you guys were supportive.”

  Wade made an indignant sound. “Hey, don’t I count? I’m already planning on being a regular on your couch. Bring on the pretty California people.”

  “You count, but how about you let Walker have a chance to digest this news?” Even more than Heidi’s reaction, Tucker was studying Walker’s impassive face, noting the way he’d gone silent and still. “I know I’m kinda throwing this out there.”

  Walker bit his lip and looked away. “I...uh... I need a minute. Alone.”

  And with that, he fled the table, food barely touched, and headed to the backyard. Tucker’s heart sank all the way down to the floorboards. This wasn’t the reaction he’d hoped for at all. His whole body ached, a visceral pain at the idea that he’d hurt Walker.

  “I need to go after him.” He stood, stopping Heidi
with a hand. She had also left her chair and seemed ready to follow Walker.

  “Yeah, I guess you do.” She gave him a frustrated look. “Try not to make this worse.”

  “I’ll try.”

  “Take your time.” Luis spoke for the first time since the chaos had broken out. “Don’t forget that you are a good dad.”

  “Thanks.” That reminder did help as he made his way to the backyard where Walker was perched on the picnic table, hands on his knees, gaze off in the mountains in the distance.

  “Hey.” Tucker carefully sat next to him. “I know you said you wanted to be alone—”

  “I do.” Walker didn’t even turn his direction.

  “But we should talk. You know our thing. No one goes to bed angry. We work things out.”

  “We do.” Walker’s shoulders slumped, voice far from happy about that fact. “And I’m not angry exactly.”

  “What are you?” Tucker tried hard to keep his expression neutral. Whatever Walker wanted to express, he wanted to hear, even if it was hard.

  “Sad.”

  Ooof. Yeah, that was a hard one all right. He could almost deal easier with an angry kid than a sad one. “Okay. Fair enough. Does it help if I say that I’m sorry you’re sad?”

  “I dunno.” Walker’s voice was soft with a hopeless edge. “Guess I figured that at least you’d be here. If I stayed, at least I’d have you.”

  Fuck. Walker might as well have plunged his fork into Tucker’s chest. Damn. He needed a moment to quiet his breathing before he could reply. “You’ll always have me. Always. Doesn’t matter where I live.”

  “I know. But it’s not the same. Might be worth it to stay if it meant seeing you and stuff.”

  “Walker. We’re always going to have that bond. But you have to stay for you. Not me.”

  Walker waved away that advice with a flick of his hand. Big hand, bigger than Tucker’s now, but still a lost little boy expression on his face. “And it’s more fucking change. I just want everything to stay the same.”

  “I get that.” Tucker didn’t even have the heart to call him on the cursing, instead patting his back. “But that’s not how life works.”

  “I know.” Walker shrugged away from Tucker’s touch.

  “I’m sorry. This is hard on you, and you’re already having a rough time. I didn’t mean to pile on that.”

  Maybe Luis was right. Maybe he should have waited to tell the boys. This was going to be hard regardless, but right then it was brutal, his desire to protect Walker at war with his conviction that he was doing the right thing.

  “Are you moving because of me?” Walker twisted his upper body toward Tucker. “Because you think that will make me follow?”

  “No.” He honestly hadn’t even considered that possibility in all his calculations. Sure, there were marine biology programs in California Walker had liked once upon a time, but Tucker wasn’t about to use his move as bait. “I know it won’t. You have to make your own choices. Just like I do.”

  “I get that.” Walker’s voice was calmer now and he lowered it further, almost to a whisper. “But how do you know this is really what you want to do?”

  Ah. And there they got to the heart of Walker’s quandary, one Tucker wished like anything he could solve for him. But maybe the best he could do was simply be a good example.

  “Because I have some dreams worth chasing. I don’t want to hurt you, and I’m going to do my damnedest to make things as easy as possible on you, but I need to do this.”

  He braced himself for a biting response from Walker, but instead Walker was silent a long moment, seeming to shrink into himself before finally whispering, “You’re brave.”

  “Brave?” Tucker hadn’t been expecting that, didn’t know how to respond.

  “Because it’s a risk. What if it doesn’t work out? What if you hate it there?”

  “Those are chances I have to take. If I hate it, then I’ll readjust my plans. I’ll talk to Luis, come up with something else that works.”

  “Because you love him?” Walker nodded, his eyes softer now.

  “Yes. I do. And I know it seems quick, but I do.” Ideally, he might have managed to say those words to Luis first, but it didn’t make them any less true. He hadn’t said them yet because he didn’t want Luis to feel pressured to say them back, but his heart didn’t care how fast this was. He knew what he felt. “But also...because I love me. I need to do this for me. Because I don’t want to wonder ‘what if’ years from now.”

  “I get that.” Walker swung his feet back and forth. “I...uh...went to that Florida school’s website today. Just to see.”

  “Nothing wrong with looking.” Tucker kept his tone mild, trying not to express excitement that wouldn’t go over well with Walker’s current mood.

  “Yeah.” Walker went silent again, but right as Tucker was about to try to fill the gap, Walker finally met his gaze. “I’m sorry about storming out. I do want you happy, Dad. I simply wish I knew what would make me happy too.”

  “I wish that too. More than anything.” He clapped Walker on the shoulder, and this time Walker let him get away with the half hug, didn’t recoil. “And I think you’re going to find it. I believe in you.”

  “Thanks.” Walker chewed his lip again before his gaze darted back toward the house. “I should probably get back inside.”

  Tucker released him. This was a lot for Walker to digest. And him too if he were honest. Probably they both needed a little break.

  “I’m always going to be there for you. And if you need to talk it out more, I’m here for that too.”

  Standing, Walker stretched with a groan. “I might. Right now, I kinda want to go game with Wade, not think.”

  “I get that.” Heck, Tucker was going to need his own zone-out time after this. Mindless TV and maybe some cuddling with Luis to help him calm down. “That sounds like a good plan.”

  “Love you, Dad.”

  “Love you too.”

  He sat there even after Walker had returned to the house, not quite ready to return to everyone, too much swirling through his head. However, he wasn’t surprised when the door opened and Luis slipped out.

  “How did it go?” he asked as he took a seat next to Tucker.

  “Not sure,” he admitted. “Good might be pushing it, but not bad either. We talked.”

  “If you need us to go even slower, give him more time—”

  “I appreciate that. But I don’t think that’s what he wants either. He likes you, and he wants me to be happy. It’ll be an adjustment for all of us, but I do think we’ll get to a good place.”

  “Good. I don’t ever want to come between you and your kid.”

  “You won’t.” Tucker looped an arm around his shoulder, pulled him close. The heat of the day was giving way to a soft evening breeze. “There’s plenty of room in my heart for you both.”

  “You do have an awfully big heart. And you being a good dad is one of the things I love most about you.”

  “You love me?” He couldn’t keep the pleasure from his voice. “It’s not too soon?”

  “Too soon? Tucker, we’ve been building to this for decades now.” Luis laughed, but his eyes were serious.

  “Ah. You mean we loved each other before so it was easier to fall this time?”

  “Maybe, but I kind of think I’d fall for you regardless.” Luis leaned into his embrace.

  “Really?”

  “I liked younger you a great deal, but your older self has a depth to it that made it impossible not to fall for you, so much stronger this time around.”

  “I like knowing that,” he admitted, holding Luis closer. “And I love you too. When I loved you before, I’m not sure I really knew what the words meant. We were so young. But now... I get that it’s not always going to be easy or fun. And I’m here for that. What
I feel for you, it’s not going away.”

  “I’m here for us too.” Gaze darting back to the house first, Luis gave him a fast peck on the cheek.

  “Then everything else will work out. Walker. My job situation. Other people’s opinions. Wade’s big plans.” He had to believe that, had to believe deep down that they would deal with whatever life threw their way.

  “I’m going to hold you to that.” Luis gave him another kiss, this one on the lips, brief but potent. And as long as they had that, had that faith and love in each other, it would work out. He’d make sure of it.

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  June

  Adjusting his sunglasses, Luis watched the sky carefully. He’d arrived early for precisely this reason, hoping to see...that. Right there.

  Yeah, there it was. Incoming helicopter, a dot at first, then larger and louder as it approached the base. He couldn’t be sure that Tucker was on this one, but somehow he knew. The bright red CAL FIRE logo became visible as the helicopter descended, pilot setting the bird gently down on the landing pad before the crew disembarked, all clad in blue uniforms with tired but smiling faces. Their faces and boots were dusty—they’d seen action, and Luis couldn’t wait to hear about it. It was a rare treat these days, getting to see Tucker at work, and Luis hung back by the parking area, observing how the team joked among itself on the way to the hangar where they’d be clocking out after a long duty shift.

  The pilot was a woman married to a captain on another crew, and she was first out of the building, greeted by her uniformed spouse who’d evidently been waiting, same as Luis. They gave him a wave on their way to their truck. It was still the getting-acquainted stage of meeting the coworkers, but so far everyone seemed nice, a close-knit family, many of whom had served years together.

  As the evening sun starting to shift, Luis finally caught sight of Tucker.

  “There’s my favorite rookie,” he called out as Tucker got closer.

  “The other rookies are going to be jealous, you playing favorites like that,” Tucker joked.

  “They aren’t taking me to dinner,” he pointed out as he unlocked the car. Usually, given the not-tiny distance between their two jobs, they met up back at home, but Tucker had wanted to show Luis a nearby restaurant he’d discovered.