Our Broken Love

by Terri Anne Browning

  “Kari!” a deep, distressed voice choked out my name.

  “Christian?” I clutched the phone tighter as Keith sat up on the bed beside me. “Christian, what’s wrong?”

  “Bee.” He sucked in a deep breath to calm himself before continuing. “She… Oh God, Kari. She lost the baby.”

  I reached for Keith’s hand, needing his touch. He caught mine, giving me a gentle squeeze for comfort. I felt the loss just as sharply as I knew Bianca must have been feeling it right then. I gathered my strength because I knew my bestie needed me and asked Christian which hospital they were at. As soon as he told me, I hung up and jumped out of bed.

  I could barely see for the tears clouding my vision as I rushed to get dressed. I was nearly sobbing before I could even get my jeans on. Strong hands stopped me and pulled me against a hard chest. “Baby, I’m so sorry.”

  “Sh-she w-wanted him more than anything in the world,” I whispered brokenly.

  Bianca had struggled through the pregnancy, but she had been doing better lately with Christian’s support. The two were growing closer than I had ever seen them, and the day before, I had gone with them both to find out the sex of the baby. A boy.

  Bianca wanted to call him Caleb.

  I leaned against Keith for a moment longer but then continued to get dressed. To my surprise, Keith got dressed and came with me to the hospital. He stayed in the waiting room while I followed a distraught Christian back to Bianca’s private room on the Labor and Delivery floor.

  Outside her door, Christian grasped my hand hard. “She won’t talk to me, Kari,” he whispered in a voice full of all the pain that I could see pinching his handsome face. “I think she’s blaming me.”

  I gave his hand a gentle but firm squeeze. “Just give her some time, Christian. This is going to be difficult for her. She’s just looking for someone to take it out on right now.”

  He hung his head. “Maybe she’s right to blame me. At first, I didn’t want the baby. Maybe I wished the baby away…” A tear spilled from his eyes, and I hugged him close.

  “No, Christian,” I whispered fiercely. “Don’t think like that. You wanted Caleb as much as Bee did. Please, don’t torment yourself like this.”

  He didn’t respond but hugged me tightly for a long moment. With a sigh, he stepped back and opened the door to Bianca’s room. “I’ll wait with Keith. Take your time.”

  Inside, I found Bianca curled up on a narrow bed, her face turned into the pillow while she wept silently. I crossed to her and pulled her into my arms. “Kari!” She sobbed so hard her body shook. “Kari… Caleb…”

  “I know, Bee,” I murmured softly as I rocked her. “I know.” Tears of my own streamed down my face as I held her like that for most of the night. Nurses came and went, giving me a small empathic smile every time they left.

  Bianca cried herself into a fitful sleep. During the long night, she woke several times and would cry silently every time the reality of what had happened hit her, but I just rocked her until she would quiet again and fell back to sleep.

  Around six thirty the doctor came in and gave Bianca an ultrasound. He told her that these things happened for no apparent reason, but he foresaw no reason why she couldn’t have another baby. It only made Bianca start crying again, even harder this time.

  “I w-w-wanted this b-b-baby,” she whispered brokenly, and I shot a killing glare at the insensitive doctor.

  He took one look at my fierce expression and quickly made an excuse to leave. A nurse came in soon after and gave Bianca an injection into her IV line. “Something to calm her,” the nurse explained to me before asking if I needed anything.

  I shook my head, too busy stroking my friend’s hair as she drifted off to sleep once more to worry about myself.

  Hours later, Christian appeared in the door with Keith. I’d been strong up until then, but when I looked at the man standing there waiting so patiently for me, I had to bite back a sob as he gathered me into his arms. “You need sleep,” he murmured at my ear, careful not to wake up Bianca.

  I shook my head. “I don’t want to leave her.”

  “I’ll be here, Kari,” Christian assured me as he carefully moved to sit beside Bianca. His face was pale and drawn, his eyes bloodshot and red-rimmed as he swallowed hard and lifted Bianca’s chilled hand to his lips. “Go home and rest. She will need you later.”

  ***

  “I broke up with Christian.”

  Bianca’s coolly stated news wasn’t something I hadn’t been expecting. For weeks, ever since she had lost the baby, Bianca had been pushing Christian away. She wasn’t getting over this as easily as we had all hoped. With her hormones all over the place from postpartum, she was an emotional wreck.

  I sat on the sofa in the living room of our apartment and hugged her close. I’d been there a lot more lately, trying to help my bestie get over the tragic loss of her baby boy. So much time, that I hadn’t seen much of Keith recently. I missed him so badly, and he was starting to get impatient, wanting me home with him every night.

  I couldn’t accommodate him that particular night, however. I stayed up half the night with Bianca, letting her talk through her feelings. She kept focusing on how Christian was at the beginning of her pregnancy—their fighting and him pulling away from her. I just sat and nodded, because that was all Bianca really needed, someone to agree with her.

  Around midnight, my cell phone rang, and I picked it up, thinking that it was Keith. “Hey, I miss you,” I murmured. Bianca was in the bathroom taking a shower, and I wanted five minutes alone to talk to my boyfriend.

  But it wasn’t Keith.

  “Kari.” Christian sounded so emotional that my heart clenched for him. Over the past few weeks, the loss of his child had taken its own toll on him too. I’d watched the man begin to hate himself from thinking that he was the reason his son was gone. I’d also watched him take everything that Bianca had dished out at him, only to come back for more.

  “Christian.” I pulled the phone closer and glanced in the direction of Bianca’s room where I could hear her moving around. “How are you?” I asked quietly.

  He let out a choked laugh. “I have lost everything I never knew I wanted. How do you think I am?”

  “Oh, Christian.” I bit the inside of my cheek, tears burning my eyes as my heart clenched in empathy for him.

  “Look, can we talk? I really need a friend right now. And you are the only one who understands.”

  “Yes. Of course. But I can’t tonight. I’m with Bee right now. I’m sorry.”

  “I understand. She needs you… I just wish she needed me,” he muttered.

  “She does, she really does. It’s just that, right now, she’s mixed up.” I heard her bedroom door opening. “I’ll meet you for lunch tomorrow. Text me with a time and place.”

  “Thanks, Kari.”

  “Anytime, Christian.” I said goodnight quickly and tossed the phone aside just as Bianca came out of her bedroom, wrapped up in a thick robe.

  ***

  After a morning filled with everything seeming to go wrong and then an emotional lunch with a man who thought he had nothing left, all I wanted was to go home to Keith and get lost in his arms. But I still had three meetings that afternoon, one of which was with the exclusive party planner Winthrop Charities used. We were going to do a benefit concert to raise money for the music departments in the inner-city schools.

  I threw myself into work. When I unlocked the door to Keith’s apartment, I was dragging. “Keith?” I called out. “Keith, are you home?”

  He called back from his study, and I dropped my briefcase on the couch in the living room as I moved toward his voice. I found him sitting at his desk, frowning at something on his computer screen. But his head snapped up when he noticed me in the doorway, and that sardonic brow lifted. Ever since I’d told him how much I loved that damn eyebrow, he did it whenever he saw me. “Hey, baby.”

  “Hi,” I murmured, my throat suddenly choked up with emoti
ons I hadn’t known I was holding back until right then. I couldn’t move. All I could do was stand there and soak in the sight of him. His dark hair was in desperate need of cutting, and my fingers ached to comb through it. He needed a shave, but I loved that dark shadow of stubble and the feel of it against my soft skin when we made love. His suit jacket was gone, and the top three buttons of his dress shirt were undone, give me a tantalizing glimpse of dark chest hair.

  I felt as if I hadn’t seen him in months, when we’d had dinner together just a few nights before. I realized I’d missed him more than I thought, and I was determined I wasn’t going to spend any more nights away from him if possible.

  “Bad day?” he asked, noticing the emotions crossing my face with concern.

  I gave him a small smile, too emotional to offer more. “Just realizing how much I have missed the man I love.”

  Those green eyes I loved so much darkened, and before I could blink, he was up and crossing the room, and I was being lifted into his arms. “Kari, fuck, Kari.” He kissed my lips, my eyes, my forehead. “I’ve missed you too, baby.”

  “I’m sorry I’ve been gone so much,” I said as I wrapped my legs around his lean waist, fighting back a soft whimper when I felt how hard his cock was as it flexed against my body.

  “Kari, just shut up and kiss me.” He nipped at my bottom lip. “I’ve missed you so damn much, and all I want to do is make love to you.”

  ***

  Hours later, I surfaced from my Keith high and snuggled closer against his hard chest. The bed was a mess with sheets and blankets twisted and half off the bed. Keith yawned, and I lifted my head to gaze down into his sleepy green eyes. “Did I wear you out?” I asked with a happy grin.

  He slapped me on the behind just hard enough to make a loud noise without causing a sting. “When a man has to snuggle up to his pillow and not the warm, soft body of his girlfriend, he doesn’t get much sleep. Then when she comes home and ravishes me nonstop for three solid hours…” I giggled and kissed his lips.

  “Good answer,” I murmured and cuddled closer, starting to drift off while he played with the ends of my long, blond hair.

  “Kari…”

  I buried my face deeper into his chest. “Hmm?”

  “Kari, I need you.”

  My eyes snapped open, and I slowly lifted my head to look down at him. There was something different in those emerald green depths that I had never noticed before, and my heart skipped a beat. “I need you too, Keith,” I told him softly.

  He cupped my cheek, and I leaned into his touch. “I mean it. I need you. Baby, I care about you…” He seemed to be struggling with his words, and I felt like he was trying to tell me…

  He was trying to tell me he loved me!

  I bent and brushed my lips across his, stopping his difficult flow of words. “I know,” I told him as I pulled back just enough to meet his gaze. “It’s the same for me.”

  ten

  For Thanksgiving, my father was surprisingly going to be home for the holidays, and I’d planned a small dinner at the Winthrop estate. It’d been a year since the death of my mother and stepfather, and I wanted this Thanksgiving to be better than the last one.

  The house felt warm and cozy. A huge turkey was baking in the kitchen thanks to the wonderful housekeeper, whom the Winthrop brothers had known most of their lives and paid generously to cook for them on this particular holiday. But starting the next morning, she was going on vacation until after the first of the year.

  I sat on the couch in the entertainment room, snuggled close to Keith as we watched football, while my father and Hunter talked foreign politics. I felt loved and carefree and so thankful that I had everything I wanted and needed right in that room with me.

  Bianca was spending the day with her parents, and I felt a little guilty because I was glad not to have to trip over her every time I turned around. In recent weeks, she had begun to get back to her old self, and she kept calling me to talk about Christian. The phone call from the night before had really made me want to slap her, but I had simply gritted my teeth and let her rant.

  “I think Christian is seeing someone else already.” Bianca had sounded hurt and angry.

  “What makes you say that?” I’d asked as I had stretched out on the couch.

  “Because his assistant told me that he was out to lunch with some blonde the other day when I called to talk to him. Have you talked to him, Kari? Do you know if he is screwing around on me?”

  I grimaced. I’d been seeing Christian at least once a week and talked to him on an almost daily basis. Since his breakup with Bianca, we’d become really close friends. I knew for a fact that Christian wasn’t seeing anyone else. He was too torn up over losing Bianca and the baby to even think about dating again yet. If anything, all he wanted was Bianca back. “I have spoken with him. And I don’t think he is dating anyone. He misses you, Bee.”

  She gave a less than amused laugh. “Yes, I can tell. Every time I call to talk to him, his assistant tells me he is busy or out with this blonde. And he never calls me back. That sounds like he is just torn to pieces!”

  She went on and on for a good hour before I was able to hang up. I hated hearing her speak of Christian like that. Even when we hadn’t been close friends, I had known that he was a good guy. And now that I had gotten to know him a little better, I knew just how good he was.

  Which was why I had invited him to dinner.

  Of course, Keith had raised a big stink about it when I had told him that morning. I was secretly thrilled he was jealous, but I was peeved all the same that he thought so little of my feelings for him he would think I would ever want anyone else.

  “I love you, you stupid man!” I had shouted at him in his study. “Don’t you trust me?”

  His eyes darkened. “I don’t trust him. He is vulnerable right now, and you are always there for him and handy. I do not want you spending so much time with him.”

  “Christian is my friend. He doesn’t think of me like that, and even if he did, I would never encourage him. Why can’t you understand that?”

  The argument had only escalated, but it had ended as most of our spats did. With me in his arms and him loving me to death. Now, with that loved feeling still coursing through my veins, I snuggled closer against him and snacked on popcorn while the game played on.

  ***

  Dinner was delicious. I sat at the big dining room table with all the men in my life spread around me. Everyone was smiling, eating, and having a great time. As I sat, I enjoyed the company as much as the food.

  Keith draped an arm along the back of my chair and played with the ends of my hair while he joked with his brother. From time to time, he’d drop a kiss on my lips or run a finger down my nose or brush my hair back from my face. The look in his green eyes was possessive, and I wondered if he was putting on a show for Christian’s sake, or actually being so loving because he couldn’t help himself.

  Across from me, Christian seemed to be having a good time too. He and my father talked shop, and he laughed along with the other men at their jokes. But I could see in his eyes that he was still hurting.

  Over dessert, I sent him a questioning look, and he just shrugged his leaner than normal shoulders. He’d lost a good bit of weight since Bianca had lost the baby. His clothes hung off him these days. He looked sick and sad, and I only wanted to hug him. When we were all back in the entertainment room, I dropped down onto the sofa beside him instead of taking up my usual place beside Keith.

  Tucking my legs under me, I pulled one of the many pillows into my lap and hugged it close. “What’s up?” I asked quietly, while the other men got involved in the seven o’clock football game.

  “I need your help.”

  “Of course. What can I do?”

  He shook his head. “I can’t talk about it now. Can we have lunch tomorrow?”

  I sneaked a glance at Keith and found him frowning at me. I gave him a smile, and after a long moment, he returned it
before getting back into the game. “I can’t tomorrow,” I told Christian. “I have to go back into the city on Saturday, though. I’ll stop by your place then, okay?”

  He gave me a relieved smile and reached over to give my hand a quick squeeze. “Thanks, Kari.”

  ***

  “You and Christian were looking really chummy.”

  I turned from brushing out my hair to find Keith standing in the doorway of the bathroom. He was dressed only in a pair of boxers, which I knew won’t be on for much longer, and a dark frown. He looked distracted and sexy as sin.

  “We were just talking about Bianca.” I put the brush down and reached for my toothbrush. I didn’t want to tell him I was meeting Christian on Saturday. Keith didn’t want me to spend time with my hurting friend, and I didn’t want to start another argument.

  “Kari…” Keith wrapped his arms around me from behind as I scrubbed my mouth. “Kari, I don’t know what I would do if I lost you.”

  I quickly rinsed my mouth and turned in his arms. “What brought this on?” I demanded.

  His eyes looked troubled. “You and Christian have gotten close lately. And I can’t help feeling that I’m about to lose you.”

  I shook my head at him. “Keith, no one is going to take me away from you. I love you, you crazy man. I always will.” I cupped his face in my hands, forcing him to keep eye contact so that he knew I was speaking from the heart. “The only way you will lose me is if you want to lose me. Otherwise, it’s going to be hard to get rid of me.”

  He rested his forehead against mine and closed his troubled green eyes. “Kari… I…”

  I kissed his mouth to hush him. “I know,” I whispered. “I know.”

  ***

  Saturday was crazy. With Christmas less than a month away, everyone was rushing to do their shopping and get the best deals. I had to fight for a cab and was nearly run over by the crowds on the Manhattan streets several times before I even got any of my own shopping done.