The Friend Zone

by Kristen Callihan

  I can’t breathe. I’m choking on my fear, my body shuddering. I don’t know when Drew put his arm around my shoulders. But he’s hugging me to his side. And it all pours out of me in the form of tears and snot. Not my best moment.

  But Drew doesn’t care. He remains silent and lets me do what I need to.

  “I can’t do this with Ivy,” I rasp. “I can’t see her…” Shit, I’m going to lose it again.

  Drew’s grip goes hard. “You don’t know what’s going on with Ivy.”

  I don’t, because I can’t handle knowing. But I can’t seem to handle not knowing, either. I have never run from adversity, and yet I just walked out on the most important person in my life. The thought makes me sick. “I’ve screwed this up badly.”

  “We all screw up. Kind of think it’s a requirement of being human.”

  I snort, but I’m too weak and sorry to really make a sound. “I’ve got to make this right.”

  “Yeah.” Drew gives my head a tap. “But get yourself together, first. ’Cause you look like shit.”

  Wiping a hand over my face, I glance back at him. He smiles, but his expression is too serious to carry it off. Lightly, I elbow his side. “Thanks. For being here.”

  “Man, you know you don’t have to say that.”

  I do know that. He’s the brother I wish I had instead of the fucknozzles I’ve been stuck with.

  Just like that, all things circle back to the family I have left and what I’ve lost. Blinking rapidly, I grind my fists against my lips. Because I need to find the one person I want to be my family. Ivy.

  And I realize that she is here. She’s found me instead.

  Twenty-Six

  Gray

  I feel her before I see her. It’s a struggle to lift my head, face her. But I do it. She deserves that and more.

  Ivy stands in the doorway, her expression blank, the harsh overhead lighting a haze around her long frame. Her face is so pale, it looks bleached out. Red blotches around her eyes and nose. She’s been crying. Something inside of me seizes. Need, fear, guilt, desire, self-loathing. I can’t move. I want to tell her I’m sorry, but I’m frozen.

  Her dark gaze flicks to Drew, who is rising to his feet. He gives her a nod, and I know he told her where to find me. With a final squeeze to my shoulder, Drew walks out, leaving me alone with Ivy.

  “Ivy, I…” Words fail me.

  She steps forward, extending her arm. “Come here.”

  I take her hand and stand. She doesn’t let me go, doesn’t say a word. Like a zombie, I follow her lead, tethered by her hand in mine. She ignores me, clicking away at her phone, sending texts to God only knows who. I don’t ask because I ought to be apologizing now. I know this. Shame holds me silent. We don’t speak as she drives, me crammed for once in the passenger side of her pink car.

  Inside her house, it’s cool and dark. Ivy leads me to toward Fi’s bedroom, and I halt, confused.

  “Fi isn’t here,” Ivy says, tugging me along. “And she has a bathtub.”

  The room is dim. A single lamp glows, casting the room into shadows. We walk into the bathroom. Someone’s drawn a bath and left the lights on low.

  “I asked Fi to help me out before she left.” Ivy’s voice is subdued. I expected anger, or at least an accusation. But she simply turns and pulls my sweaty shirt over my head.

  I stand there, letting her undress me, watching her. She so fucking beautiful. I know every line and curve of her face better than my own, and yet each time I look at her, it’s like she’s brand new.

  “Get in,” she says, not looking at me but at the tub.

  And because I’ll do anything for her, I obey. The water is hot, soothing. I don’t want to be soothed; her kindness is killing me. I lean forward and press the heels of my hands to my eyes.

  She steps in behind me, and my eyes snap open. I hadn’t even noticed her undressing, but now her silky legs slide along mine, wrapping me up in her embrace. Water sluices over my back as she begins to wash me.

  Such a simple thing, but strangely effective. With each stroke of her hand, a bit more of the ugly, clenching, sick feeling leaves me, and I’m so grateful for her that my vision blurs.

  “Say something,” I whisper past the lump in my throat.

  “Something,” she repeats, equally quiet. Her strong fingers massage my scalp, and a heated prickle forms behind my eyes.

  I blink rapidly, willing myself to calm down. “Why aren’t you yelling at me?”

  Her movements still, and she rests her forearms against my back. “That would be easier for you, wouldn’t it? If I yelled and relieved your conscience.”

  I wince, because she’s right.

  Ivy sighs and starts washing me again, more brisk now, picking up a bar of soap and scrubbing beneath my arms. “I wanted to scream my throat raw at you. When I couldn’t find you, I wanted that.” She slows, and I’m half distracted by her fingers running over my nipple and her lips just brushing between my shoulder blades as she takes a deep breath. “But you looked… You’re in pain, Gray. And it hurts me when you hurt. So, no, I’m not going to scream at you now. I never want to be the one to kick you when you’re down.”

  This girl. A shuddering breath tears out of me, and I capture her slim hand, bring it to my mouth to hold it there. “I’m so sorry, Ivy. So fucking sorry that I ran out on you.” Because she’s right—it hurts worse knowing that I’m the cause of her pain.

  Ivy doesn’t say anything, but pulls her hand from mine, and turns on the shower attachment. That efficient manner returns as she rinses me clean. A flick of her wrist and the water is off again. Before I can say another word, she launches from the tub, all long limbs and slick skin.

  “Ivy—”

  “I’m pissed.” She grabs a robe and wrenches it on before facing me. “Okay? I don’t want to yell but…” Her eyes go glassy and she makes a face of disgust. “You hurt me, Gray.”

  God, the disappointment in her voice, it rips through my chest. Water sloshes over the edges of the tub as I rise. “I know, honey, and I’m—”

  But she’s walking out of the room. I hop out of the bath, pulling a towel around me as I go. “Ivy.”

  She faces me in the bedroom, her eyes flashing. “I get why you freaked. Breast cancer, your mom. I understand, Gray. I do. But you just ran out on me like I had the plague. I needed you…” She takes a shaky breath. “More than you know. I needed you to talk to me. You promised—”

  Two steps and she’s in my arms. Without pause, I pick her up and carry her out of Fi’s room and into hers, stopping only when we reach the bed. She’s stiff as I sit with her in my lap. But it doesn’t stop me from kissing her lips, her check, any spot I can get. “I’m sorry, Ivy. I panicked, and if I could go back and change that, I would.”

  She’s shaking, her body against mine, leaning a little but not yielding. “You ran away from me.”

  My fingers thread into her hair, and I hold her steady as I meet her eyes. “I ran away from myself. Shit. Ivy, you’re right. I freaked out. Since my mom…I haven’t wanted to care about anything. Live day-to-day, enjoy the moment, nothing deep. The funny thing is, Ivy, falling in love with you was as easy as breathing. The best time of my life.”

  “Then why—”

  “It’s easy to love you, but it scares the shit out of me.” Our foreheads touch, and I close my eyes. “I felt that lump, and it was my mom dying all over again. It hit me. I can’t lose you. Not you. So, yeah, I panicked. Because I… If you…”

  Terror tries to rush over me again. I don’t know what to do with it. Nothing scares me on the field. Not a three-hundred-pound lineman, not the possibility of getting hit so hard that my neck might break. But this? I struggle to breathe.

  Until she touches my cheek. Her dark eyes meet mine, and all I can think is home.

  “Hey,” she says softly. “I can see you’re freaking out again, but it’s okay.”

  “It’s not.” I shake my head. “I hurt you.”

 
And then she smiles. Nothing in the world affects me like her smile. I can only stare, my heart pounding, my breathing still off.

  “I’m not hurting anymore, Cupcake.”

  I kiss her. Soft. Reverent. She’s everything. My world. My happiness. My hand slides beneath her gaping robe to cup her warm breast. The tips of my fingers glide over her skin, careful not to hurt her. “And you’re…?” I can’t finish.

  Ivy cups my hand, pressing it to her flesh. “It’s fine. Not cancer, I swear.” But her expression suddenly fills with fear, and she moves off me. With agitated breaths, she paces in front of the bed, her hands shaking.

  “What’s wrong?” My lips are stiff, my heart pounding, but I’m not running this time. “Tell me.”

  “The thing is, Gray…” She takes a deep breath. “It’s not cancer, but— Fuck.”

  “Mac!”

  She stops in front of me and grips her hands until her knuckles turn white, and I’m rooted to the stop.

  “You’re scaring the hell out of me, honey.” My voice is a rasp in the tense quiet. “Whatever it is I’m—”

  “It was hormones. The lump.” She waves a hand, kind of flailing around. “I have fibrous breasts, which really just means that hormones can cause non-cancerous lumps. Such as excess hormones due to…shit. Shit.”

  I find my feet and stand, reaching for her.

  Mac’s eyes fill. “I’m pregnant.”

  A whoosh of sound fills my ears and everything goes still, heavy. Numb.

  Mac curses, takes a step, then stops and steps the other way as if she doesn’t know where to go but just wants to escape. I have to move. To talk. But I’m frozen and the ringing in my ears grows. From a distance, I hear myself speak. “Pregnant?”

  “Yes.” She clears her throat. “It’s early. So early, I wouldn’t have noticed yet, except they took some tests. I… It’s all my fault.” Blinking fiercely, she looks down at her toes.

  I find myself smiling, though it feels wobbly and uncomfortable, because my heart has decided to race and my fingers are cold. “Pretty sure this is a fifty-fifty kind of culpability deal here, honey.”

  Her head snaps up and she looks lost, her eyes round and scared. “Yeah, but I didn’t… I was so stupid. I forgot about the whole antibiotics-weakens-the-effectiveness-of-the-pill thing. Talk about hubris. My sixteen-year-old self was more informed. But no, I take one look at your dick and become a moron.”

  If it were any other time, I’d laugh at that. I’m certainly just as susceptible to her charms. But I need to calm her down now. “Well, I didn’t even know that was an issue.” I make another attempt at a smile. “Condom man, here.”

  She snorts and then bursts into tears.

  “Hey,” I whisper, pulling her close. “Hey, now. Don’t cry.”

  Mac just sobs harder as I lead her to the bed. I curl up with her at the head of it and hug her close. Christ, I left her to deal with this alone. I can barely think right now, and she’s been carrying this knowledge around. Alone.

  Wincing, I burrow my face into her fragrant hair, not knowing how to apologize enough. But somehow she’s the one apologizing.

  “I’m sorry, Gray. I’m such an idiot. You trusted me and—”

  “Ivy Mac, if you say another word of apology, I’m going to be pissed.”

  Her hand clutches my neck as she half-laughs, half-sobs. I kiss her temple, rub her shaking back. “Now calm down. Breathe. Again. You can do better than that, Special Sauce. Deep breaths.”

  “Okay.” It’s a pathetic whimper of a response, but she’s calming. Her wet cheeks press against my heart, and I close my eyes and keep stroking her.

  I hold her until she settles and becomes soft and relaxed against me, and I realize that, despite all the thoughts racing through my mind, the one thing I’m not doing is freaking out.

  * * *

  Ivy

  “What are we going to do?” My voice is a raw whisper in the silence.

  The room is dark. Every inch of me feels battered and heavy with fatigue. But I’m in Gray’s arms, and he’s idly running his long fingers through my hair, making it a struggle to keep my eyes open. Beneath my cheek, his chest rises on a breath and his heartbeat increases.

  “I don’t know,” he says quietly. “I guess that’s up to you.”

  I stiffen and lift my head to look at him. “Why me?”

  Gray’s blue eyes are solemn. “It’s your body. Your choice. Isn’t it?”

  He says it so matter-of-factly, so sincerely, that I kiss his chest before answering. “I don’t want to be the only one with any say. Your opinion matters.”

  The corner of Gray’s mouth curls as he traces a line down my cheek. “Okay. But, Mac, I feel like I’m walking through a minefield here.”

  “Coward,” I tease, giving his side a nudge.

  “Yep,” he says, unapologetic. His grin sparks then fades. “Honey, just tell me how you feel, and I’ll listen.”

  Sighing, I rest my chin on his chest and wrap an arm around his waist as if holding onto his body can anchor me and stop the fluttery feelings of panic that keep coming and going. “I don’t know. We’re so young. We have barely begun to live our lives. The idea of having a baby…” I press my lips against his firm skin. “It just seems like we’re setting ourselves up for disaster.”

  Gray is silent for a second then his big hand engulfs the back of my head. His touch is warm, secure. “Okay, true. But we’re also way ahead of most people our age. Barring unforeseen calamities—and I really want to knock on wood—I’m going to be making a ridiculous amount of money in less than a year. And even if something did happen, we both have excellent educations and our massively impressive brains…” I grin at him, and he wags his brows. “So we’re not going to be hurting for money. Not to mention that your parents are loaded—”

  “Gray!”

  He holds up a hand, but a smile lingers in his eyes. “I’m just saying that we wouldn’t be suffering for funds.”

  “Fine.” I rest my head on him again. “You’re right. But a baby? I don’t know.” I pause and peer up at him. “You’re not freaking out. Why are you not freaking out?”

  He sputters a laugh, and suddenly I’m on my back and Gray’s big body hovers over me. “You thought I’d go mental, didn’t you?”

  “Well, I…” Shit, I almost went mental, why wouldn’t he?

  But Gray shakes his head slowly, a smile creeping over his face. “Mac, you’re the love of my life. I’m all in, come what may. This? Yeah, it’s a shock, nothing I expected. But this is you and me we’re talking about. Please don’t hold what I did today against me. I can adapt to a change in play.”

  “I know,” I tell him. “And I won’t.”

  He nods as though relieved then his lips brush mine. “Maybe I should be panicking. But I’m not. If you want this baby, then we’ll learn as we go. If you don’t—” He kisses me again. “Then I’ll hold your hand every step of the way.”

  Twenty-Seven

  Gray

  “So,” I say to Drew. We’re sitting at the bar, ginger ales in hand—Coach has set down a no-beers-from-this-point-on rule—and Drew’s trying to be supportive. Good man.

  “So,” Drew says back then takes a drink.

  “Ivy’s pregnant.”

  It’s almost worth my current anxiety to watch him choke and spew ginger ale all over the bar. The bartender gives him an annoyed look then walks over to wipe up the splatter with a rag.

  “Baby steps, hon,” she mutters before leaving us.

  I laugh into my glass.

  Drew glares, but then his expression grows serious. “Shit, Gray-Gray. You’re not joking, are you?”

  “Nope.” I take another drink and concentrate on the feel of cold bubbles sliding down my throat.

  “Holy hell.” Drew braces his hands on the bar. “What are you two going to do?”

  “Don’t know yet. Ivy’s thinking things over.” I pick at the damp edge of my cocktail napkin, ignoring Drew
’s stare. I don’t want to see pity.

  “You okay with… I mean if she decides to keep…” He trails off.

  I finally look at him. “If it were Anna? How would you feel?”

  At this, Drew straightens. “Scared, sure. But it’s Anna. She’s it for me, so I guess I’d be starting a family early.”

  “Exactly. Ivy’s my girl. She always will be.”

  Drew really looks at me now. “You’re not freaking out.”

  “Why does everyone assume I’d freak out?” I grumble. “It’s insulting.”

  “Hell, I’d freak out.” He shrugs. “And, well, you’re…”

  “What?” I’m quickly moving from insulted to pissed.

  “Come on, Gray. You’ve been Mr. Party, give-me-a-new-girl-a-night since I’ve met you. It’s just a little shocking to see you not get spooked over something as big as this.”

  Okay, he has me there. I take another sip of my soda. “I’m a little unsettled, sure. What the hell do I know about babies? I’m afraid I’d accidentally crush it in my big-ass hands. But then I think of me and Ivy together, watching the little guy grow and…” I trail off and clear my throat. I’ve said too much anyway.

  A slow, incredulous smile spreads over Drew’s face. “You want this baby, don’t you?”

  I shift in my seat, resisting the urge to hunch. My cheeks are uncomfortably warm. And yet the corners of my mouth want to lift. “Yeah, I think I do.”

  It terrifies me. Nothing is settled, and suddenly all I can think about is the future, wanting a family, a life with Ivy. It’s all dancing in front of me, as solid as smoke.

  * * *

  Ivy

  “I’m beginning to think that life will never be one-hundred-percent perfect.” My head is in Fi’s lap, and she’s giving me random braids.