If It Isn't Love

by Dwayne S. Joseph

  “Jeffrey, there’s a lot—”

  “Let me finish, Dad,” Jeff said cutting him off. “Just let me say what I have to say. Mama loves you and she cares for you. I would love to have a woman as devoted as Mama. What’s sad is that I have actually found that woman, only I have one problem. Do you want to know what that is, Dad?”

  “What’s that Jeffrey,” Stewart asked quietly.

  “I can’t stop being like you!”

  Silence overtook the conversation as both men mulled over the last words spoken. Jeff wiped tears away from his eyes.

  His father sighed into the telephone.

  Jeff opened his mouth to say something that could somehow shed light to the dark mood, which now consumed them. He didn’t want to be at odds with his father too. But he could think of nothing to say that would prevent that from happening. Without a good-bye, he hung up the phone.

  16

  Frustrated, Bryce sat stone still, trying to think of another way to get himself focused on work. He’d already put in extra hours of overtime, by setting and accepting tight deadlines. When that didn’t work, he tried taking on additional projects, which demanded more time and energy. He did all that he could with the hope that he would somehow be able to keep Monica off of his mind. But nothing worked. Monica was everywhere. In his bed in the morning, in his car sitting beside him, listening along to the loud music that he played, in hopes of not hearing her name in each verse. He saw her smile swirling in his hot cup of coffee. He saw her eyes in those of his coworkers. He couldn’t escape her.

  All day.

  Every day.

  Even in his dreams.

  Bryce couldn’t get the image of her crying, to leave him alone. It beat at his conscious like a barrage of Manny Paquiao blows.

  In the two weeks since he’d last seen her, he’d tried to get in touch with her. He’d left apologies on her answering machine, both at work and home. He’d called her cell phone and poured his heart out there as well, but she never returned his calls. He sent bouquets of roses, but Monica had never even accepted them to throw them away. He was miserable. He was losing weight from not being able to eat. He could barely sleep, and to make matters worse, he’d just been suspended without pay for a month. Nicole had made good on her threat and had told her father. He received no more than the month suspension only because he was one of the best programmers the company had, and possibly his boss’s grandchild’s father.

  Bryce didn’t complain.

  He sat at his desk packing things he would need while away. He looked at his picture of him and Monica and wished that he could go back in time. He’d been wishing he had the power to control time a lot lately. If he had, Nicole would never have existed and Monica would have been his wife, and they’d be living happily ever after. Bryce sighed and shut down his laptop. As he stood to leave, his phone rang. He hoped it wasn’t his boss, calling to tell him that he’d changed his mind, and that he didn’t want Bryce to come back, regardless of the baby. Bryce picked up the phone and reluctantly put it to his ear. “Bryce speaking.”

  “Bryce ... it’s Monica.”

  Bryce’s heart skipped a beat at the sound of her voice.

  Damn, he’d missed her. “Monica! I’ve been hoping you’d call. There’s so much I want to say to you.”

  “Save it, Bryce,” Monica said coldly. Just hearing his voice rekindled the flame in her anger. She’d held up a lot better than she thought she was going to. Sure, she’d cried herself to sleep every night, but with the help of her girlfriends and Karen, she knew that what happened had nothing to do with her, and everything to do with Bryce’s inability to be a real man. She didn’t want to talk to him ever again, but after her mama called her to make sure she and Bryce were still coming to the birthday dinner, she knew she was going to have to call him. Her mama didn’t know anything about what happened and Monica wanted to keep it that way. The last person she wanted to be judged by was her mama. Especially after all of the judging Monica had done of her. She also didn’t want the minister to know because Monica was sure he’d see Bryce’s unfaithfulness as some sort of victory for him. She told Karen and Alex not to say anything. She also told them that she was still going to ask Bryce to come. She would put up a façade for one weekend to avoid any talk. “I’m only calling, Bryce, to remind you of Mama’s birthday dinner.”

  “You still want me to go?” Bryce asked stunned.

  Monica exhaled. “I don’t want to deal with any questions or comments from my mama or the minister. After what you’ve done to me, the least you could do is go.”

  Bryce thought for a minute. He didn’t like the idea of being used, but if that would guarantee him an opportunity to spend time with her so that he could apologize and try to win her heart back, then it was worth it. “OK. I’ll go. What time do you want me to pick you up? I figure with a seven-hour trip, we need to leave at least by nine o’clock.” Bryce smiled at the thought of sitting in the car with her for such a long ride.

  “You don’t have to pick me up. I’m going with Karen. You’re riding with Alex.”

  “But baby, I really want to talk to you. There’s so much I need to say. So much I want to explain,” Bryce pleaded.

  “For the last time, Bryce, I am not your goddamned baby. And I don’t want to hear anything you have to say to me. Alex will call you.”

  Click.

  Bryce breathed out slowly. He would fight, but winning Monica’s heart and trust back would not be an easy battle. But he would fight for as long as he had to.

  17

  Alex walked into his office and saw that he had voice mail. He put down his laptop, picked up the phone, dialed his access code, and listened to the first of two messages waiting for him.

  Ok, Alex. I see how it is now. Believe me, you will regret the decision you’ve made. I am Miguel’s mother, and he belongs with me. If you think for one second that the judge is going to give you full custody, you are wrong. You having a house and making more money than me don’t mean shit. I’m going to take you to the cleaners, Alex. You’ll regret not sticking with our arrangement. How could you be so stupid? Oh, and until the judge makes the decision in my favor, I’m not letting you take Miguel anywhere. Get used to not seeing him, ‘pendejo’!

  Alex shook his head and rolled his eyes. He listened to the other message.

  Why do you have to go this route, Alex? So you never met Sergio, so fucking what? As you can see, Miguel and I came home safely. I’m not letting you win, Alex. I don’t care what decision the judge might make. I’m not letting you and that bitch win. This was probably her idea. ‘Puta negra’! And Miguel is still comparing me to her, by the way, which means that you didn’t say shit to him. That’s fine. After the judge rules my way, that won’t be a problem anymore. Believe me, I’m going to win. I just got a second job, so I’m making more money now. Once the judge sees that, kiss your chances good-bye. You and your wife are having a baby anyway. Now you want Miguel too? Well forget it. You’re not getting him. I am responsible, damn it. The judge will agree. You’ll see. Go to hell, Alex.

  Alex smiled. He could hear the anxiety and doubt in Mariah’s voice. She knew that Alex had a very good chance of getting custody over Miguel. As much as she tried to convince herself of the opposite, she knew it. Alex was a responsible, caring father, and had genuine love for his son. He would do anything for Miguel. And he had. He never thought of Miguel as being a burden the way Mariah had.

  From the moment he was born, she hated the fact that she could no longer do what she wanted, when she wanted. She’d tried though, but Omar and Ellen weren’t having it. They forced her to assume responsibility. Being a bad mother wasn’t entirely all her fault. Because her own mother had always been strung out, Mariah never had a good example to learn from. She didn’t know how to show affection. She was never made number one, so how could she be expected to know what it took to make her own child number one?

  Alex had been brought up in a home filled with love and
compassion. He’d been taught the difference between right and wrong. He hadn’t grown up with the notion that wrong was right, like Mariah had. She had no father, and she had a mother who never cared that her daughter was hurting because she fell second to drugs.

  Whatever.

  It didn’t matter anyway.

  Growing up without being made a priority didn’t keep Mariah from surviving, and if she could survive, Miguel could too. Alex knew that was Mariah’s way of thinking. That’s why he couldn’t go on with the arrangement. In no way, shape, or form would he allow his son to grow up the same way as Mariah.

  In a way, he felt sorry for her. She’d been a victim of neglect. She wasn’t entirely to blame for the woman that she was, or wasn’t. But still, once Miguel was born, Alex felt that she should have changed. Alex knew too many people who, after growing up in situations similar to or worse than Mariah’s, did whatever they had to do to keep their child from going through the same pain. Why couldn’t Mariah have done the same?

  As Alex mulled that over, his phone rang. He looked at the ID and answered before the second ring. “Hey, beautiful. How’s the mommy-to-be doing?”

  “Hey, handsome,” Karen said with a proud smile. “I’m doing fine. Just exhausted as usual. Work and pregnancy are an energy-sapping combination.”

  “Why don’t you give the show a break for a while? Or at least cut back on the number of shows you do.”

  “No way. If Ricki Lake could do the show when she was pregnant, I can too. Besides, there is no cutting back. You know my show is live, five days a week.”

  “Well, just think about it. I don’t want you overdoing anything. I make more than enough money to support us.”

  “I know, baby. But you know being a talk show host is all I’ve ever wanted to do. Trust me, this baby means everything to me. I won’t overdo anything.”

  “You better not.”

  “Listen to you,” Karen said. It made her skin tingle hearing the excitement in his voice. “Anyway, before I drop off into dreamland, I just wanted to let you know that Mariah has called here three times and left three different messages. I take it she got the subpoena to appear in court?”

  “Yeah. She’s left two messages here too.”

  “She’s worried you know?”

  “I know.”

  “Although I don’t see why. It’s not like she really wants the responsibility. You’d think she’d be happy you’re willing to take Miguel off of her hands.”

  “Yeah, but she can’t handle losing Miguel to me.”

  “You mean her pride can’t handle it.”

  Yeah, that too,” Alex agreed.

  Karen sucked her teeth. “Whatever. That bitch and her pride can go to hell for all I care. She makes me so sick, with her ignorant ass. I swear I don’t know how I haven’t kicked her behind yet.”

  Alex laughed out loud. “Calmate mujer. You have our baby inside of you. Remember, what you feel, he or she feels too.”

  Karen took a deep breath. He was right. “Okay, baby. I’ll stay calm. Just tell Mariah to stop calling here. I don’t want to hear her damn bitching. I deleted the messages by the way.”

  “Not a problem. I’m sure she said the same thing on my voice mail here anyway. I’m going to save these two though. You never know if they’ll come in handy in court.”

  “Good idea. Anyway, baby, I can barely keep my eyes open. It’s time for me to go to la la land.”

  Alex checked his watch. It was eight-thirty. “Okay, chula. Hey, before you go, I’ve been meaning to ask you, how’s Monica holding up?”

  “As good as can be expected,” Karen said. “She loved Bryce and his pathetic ass.”

  “I know she did.”

  “I just don’t know why he did what he did. He had everything in Monica.”

  “Well baby, some men can keep love and sex separate. Obviously that’s what Bryce did. He just waited too long to realize how much more important the love was. And remember, he’s human, mistakes are to be expected.”

  “Well, I hope that you’ve already learned that lesson and that’s one mistake that you won’t even think of making.”

  “No need for me to separate, baby, because I have everything I need in you. And besides, I’m not human. I’m superhuman.”

  “Is that right?”

  “Hey, you’re the one who called me the Incredible Hulk last night.”

  Karen smiled as she thought about their lovemaking from the night before. Alex had indeed been incredible and large with excitement, and if he was going to continue to work the way he had, Karen was definitely going to get all the loving in that she could.

  She yawned. “Maybe on the drive to North Carolina this weekend you can pick his brain and find out why he had to go and ruin a good thing.”

  “I’ll do that. I still can’t believe she wants him to go.”

  “Trust me, it’s better that he does. It’ll avoid any drama from my mama or the minister.”

  “Bryce really wants Monica back. You know he’s going to try to talk to her. Is she ready for that?”

  “She better be.”

  “I hope she talks to him,” Alex said sincerely. “Bryce is a good guy. Believe me, he regrets what he did.”

  Karen sucked her teeth. “Well he should have thought about all of that before he did his deed.”

  Alex decided not to go any further and changed the topic. “Anyway ... enough of that drama. We have our own to deal with. Are you sure your mother wants me there?”

  “That’s what she says. Believe me, I’m still speechless.”

  “Maybe she’s having a midlife crisis or something,” Alex said being half-serious.

  “Yeah right,” Karen replied. “A midlife crisis is something she’s definitely not having. I just hope the trip is uneventful. I don’t need or want any more drama. Anyway baby, I’m about to start snoring on you, so I’m going to go before that happens.”

  “You go handle your business, woman.”

  “I love you, Alex.”

  “Y yo te quiero tambien.”

  “See, it’s that Spanish that got me with a bun in my oven.”

  Alex smiled. “I guess I better use more of it.”

  “You are wrong,” Karen beamed. “Good night, bad boy.”

  “Good night, sexy.”

  Alex hung up the phone and felt goose bumps rise on his skin. He loved his wife with all his heart. She was his best friend, and had always been. He wished he was closer to her parents like she was to his, but with her mother’s prejudiced views, that had been impossible. But maybe she was changing, or at least willing to try. He had been invited, and that was a big deal. He couldn’t help but wonder why, after all this time. What was so special about this birthday?

  18

  Alex slammed on his brakes, put the car in park, shut off the engine, and raced out of his car. He didn’t care that he’d been in a no parking zone and could be towed away. He had other more important things to worry about. The last message Mariah had left was still fresh in his mind.

  Miguel is in the hospital in downtown Baltimore. I just thought you should know.

  Alex was in a meeting when she’d called. The message had already been an hour old by the time he’d gotten back to his office and checked his voice mail. He raced into the hospital lobby and approached the information desk.

  “My son is here. Miguel Diaz.”

  The receptionist behind the desk looked up at Alex and then pressed a button beside her. “Go straight back through the double doors and then make a right,” she said as doors leading into the pediatrics opened up.

  “Thank you.”

  Alex ran down the hallway, through the double doors, and then made the right. He paused when he saw Mariah near the end of the hallway, talking to a doctor. Her head was bandaged and her lip swollen. Standing beside her, was a tall, thin-framed man with a ponytail. His right eye was swollen and his left arm was bandaged. Both of their clothes were stained with blood.

&nbs
p; Not my son, Alex thought as he walked towards them. Please don’t take my son away. He approached Mariah and the doctor.

  “Mariah, what the hell happened? Where’s Miguel? Is he okay?”

  Mariah didn’t respond. Alex looked to the doctor. “Are you taking care of my son?”

  “Yes I am. I’m Dr. Gordon. I assume you are Miguel’s father?”

  “Yes. Alex Diaz. Dr. Gordon, is my son okay? Where is he?”

  The gray-haired doctor with wire-rimmed glasses glanced at Mariah and then looked back to Alex. “Why don’t we talk a short walk, Alex?”

  Alex looked at Dr. Gordon. “Look, I don’t mean to be rude, but I need to see my son.”

  “Walk with me, Alex. We’ll discuss your son’s condition and I’ll take you to see him. I promise.”

  Alex looked again at Mariah, who did her best to avoid his glare. Her friend remained silent too. He nodded to the doctor and followed him until they were out of earshot from Mariah.

  “Alex, Miguel is going to be all right. He suffered a broken right arm and a couple of minor cuts and bruises. All he’ll need will be a few weeks with the cast and then he’ll be as good as new.”

  Alex let out a slow sigh of relief. “Is he awake? Can I go and see him?”

  “You can see him, but I gave him something for the pain, so he’ll be asleep for a few hours. But before you go, there’s just something I need to discuss with you.”

  Alex watched the doctor with serious eyes. “What’s the problem?”

  “Alex, did Ms. Ortiz tell you how the accident occurred?”

  “No,” Alex answered bluntly. “I just got a message that he was in the hospital.”

  “They were involved in a head-on collision with another vehicle. Ms. Ortiz, your son, and the gentleman you saw were all passengers in the car. With the exception of your son, they all had high levels of alcohol in their system.”