If It Isn't Love

by Dwayne S. Joseph

  “How do you think he’ll handle the news?”

  “I think he’ll be all right. I think he’s ready for a little sibling.”

  “Glad to hear. Since you mentioned being ready, are you ready to deal with Mama Blige? I still can’t believe your ass was invited.”

  “Man, I’ve been thinking about that all last night and this morning. That’s my Monica for the weekend. I don’t know what to expect.”

  “Here’s an ill thought: What if she invited you and had you drive seven hours just so she could tell you how much she can’t stand you and Karen being together?”

  “Bryce,” Alex said slowly. “Don’t even put that out there. Man, if she did something like that ... let’s just say that my respect-for-my-elders rule would be tossed out the window.”

  “I hear that. When are you and Karen going to mention the baby?”

  “Sometime during the weekend.”

  “At least I have ringside seats for that,” Bryce joked.

  “Yeah. Let’s just hope things go the distance. And to add to our conflicts, how do you see things going down between Monica, Karen, and their father? That’s tension with a capital T. I mean it’s common knowledge that he’s the main reason they haven’t been back to North Carolina.”

  “Damn! I’ve been focusing so much on trying to get Monica to talk to me, that I completely forgot about that situation.”

  “Yeah,” Alex said shaking his head. “They definitely have some real issues with their father, the great minister. Some deep resentment and anger.” This is why the thought of disrespecting Karen never crossed his mind. On more than one occasion, Karen had used his shoulder for a tissue as she talked about her father’s loose ways and the impact it had on her and Monica. The look of pain in her eyes had been enough to promise himself and her that she would never have to relive that embarrassment and shame. He’d assumed Bryce had done the same for Monica, and he’d been disappointed that he hadn’t. But Bryce was a man, and had made a man’s decision.

  “Man, what have I done?” Bryce said, realizing for the first time what the effect his betrayal must have had on Monica.

  Alex noticed Bryce’s comprehension. “Now add Monica’s feelings about her father with what you did, and that will give you an idea as to the type of weekend you may have. I have your back, but I don’t envy you.”

  21

  Jean watched through her bedroom window as her daughters stepped out of Karen’s car. It had been too long since she’d last seen them. They looked the same yet different. Monica’s usually vibrant face was drawn and tight-lipped as though something heavy was on her mind. There was something familiar about her look, Jean thought.

  Karen had put on a couple of pounds, which was to be expected after four years of marriage. She knew her daughter wouldn’t keep the weight on though, because of the show. She’d never told Karen, but she’d been able to watch her daughter’s show religiously. She watched, not only because it was her daughter’s, but also because it was a good show.

  Jean looked from her daughters to their respective mates, who were surprisingly in separate cars. Jean took a deep breath and watched as Alex removed overnight bags from the backseat of his car. Her son-in-law, she thought. Her son-in-law who’d made her daughter happy. A son-in-law she hardly knew and had never given a fair chance. She watched him approach his wife, her daughter, and give her a hug and kiss filled with genuine love. He was a handsome man. Tall and lean, and she could tell by his smile that he was reciprocating the love that Karen felt.

  She looked from Alex to Bryce. He shared the same strained expression as Monica. They’d barely spoken to one another. It didn’t take a genius to figure out that they were dealing with personal issues. Hopefully they would be able to resolve their issue soon because Jean needed for everyone to be in the best of moods when she delivered her news. She turned away from the window to give them privacy.

  Jeff was the only one who hadn’t arrived yet. She could only hope that he would come. She needed the entire family there. For the first time, Jean realized what her stubbornness had cost her. Time. Which, she now only had a limited amount left.

  Jean went downstairs to the living room where Stewart sat reading the Bible. She wondered what Karen and Monica would say when they saw him. How would they react?

  “Monica and Karen are here,” she said.

  Stewart nodded his head. “All praises to God they arrived safely,” he said solemnly.

  Jean took note of her husband’s position. In a way she felt sorry for him. His daughters had severed their ties with him quietly, and were now no more than strangers.

  She turned away from him and checked herself in the mirror in the hallway leading to the door. She’d done something she hadn’t done in a long while—she’d put on eyeliner, lipstick, blush, and foundation. To complement the effort, she wore a floral-print summer dress and beige sandals to show off her painted toes. Change, she thought. She was overdue.

  She smoothed her dress and studied herself. Prior to Dr. Johnson’s discovery and diagnosis, the leukemia had been putting her body through the ringer physically, but surprisingly, she felt better than she had in a long while. Jean smiled at herself. The time had come.

  22

  Monica was trying her best to appear normal, but it was hard. Anger and pain had always been difficult emotions for her to mask. No matter how hard she tried to keep her mind from venturing to the gutter, her imagination would begin to work, and she’d picture Bryce naked with another woman. She’d see him caressing, kissing, sucking, and doing things she’d always thought had been reserved for her enjoyment only. Monica stood stoically beside Bryce and pushed his hand away as he attempted to take hers.

  Bryce knew this weekend was going to be hard, but he was determined to get Monica to listen to him. He loved her and he hoped that she’d be able to find a way to forgive him. Although she gave him nothing but heated, contemptuous glares, he could tell that she hadn’t buried her love completely. That truth only fueled Monica’s frustration. Why couldn’t she just not love him?

  While Bryce and Monica struggled with their battle, Karen and Alex held hands and juggled their own thoughts and feelings. Until she’d arrived, Karen hadn’t realized just how much she’d been hurt by her mother. During the course of her relationship and marriage with Alex, she’d opted to look the other way and ignore her mother’s ignorance. She didn’t want or need the additional stress, and she didn’t want to devote any more of her time to fighting a war that she didn’t want to be a part of. It wasn’t until now that she’d recognized how much her mother had hurt her and just how difficult the issue was to overlook. Her own mother had missed her wedding. Not even for her daughter’s sake, had she been able to put aside her intolerance.

  Alex noticed his wife’s hesitation to ring the bell. He looked at her and tried to give her a reassuring smile, but he too was uncomfortable. He was at the house of the very same people who wouldn’t support their daughter’s marriage. Their daughter, his wife, whom he loved more than they could ever imagine. He squeezed Karen’s hand, letting her know that he was there for support.

  Karen pressed the bell.

  Jean waited before she opened the door.

  Change, she thought once again.

  She took a slow, deliberate breath, and then opened the door.

  “My babies,” she whispered upon seeing her daughters.

  “Happy birthday, Mama,” the sisters said simultaneously.

  Jean opened her arms as her eyes welled with unexpected tears. Monica and Karen stepped into them. Neither had realized just how much they’d missed her until that very moment.

  They held one another, while Bryce and Alex stood watching, silently. The three women didn’t stop hugging until Stewart appeared in the hallway and cleared his throat. Karen and Monica raised their heads and stared at their father. Neither one said a word or moved. Stewart opened his arms.

  “Can I get a hug from my baby girls?” he asked, forcing
a smile through his hurt.

  Monica didn’t move as she looked at her father. The sight of him instantly brought Bryce’s betrayal back to the forefront of her mind. Seeing and understanding her sister’s reluctance, Karen moved away from her mother.

  “Hey, Daddy,” she said unemotionally. She approached her father and planted a dry kiss on his cheek. Stewart kissed her back and gave her a strong hug. He looked at Monica, who’d remained beside her mother, staring back at him with angry eyes. He forced a smile and stepped to her.

  “Hi, baby,” he said, wrapping his arms around her. “It’s been a long time.”

  Monica dislodged herself from him and said evenly, “Yes, it has.”

  Jean could feel the growing tension in the room. She looked at Alex and could feel everyone’s eyes upon her, watching to see what she would do. Underneath the glow of the spotlight, she smiled and stepped to him. “Hello, son,” she said, taking him in her arms.

  “Hello, Mrs. Blige,” Alex managed to say through his shock.

  “Please call me Mama,” she said, kissing him lightly on his cheek. “You are my son-in-law, after all.” She tightened her embrace while Karen watched as tears began falling from her eyes. She couldn’t believe what she was seeing.

  Jean finally let go of Alex and looked at Bryce. “Don’t think I’m leaving you out. How are you, Bryce?” She hugged him while Monica distanced herself from her father. Standing next to him had been like standing next to Bryce. She hated the fact that they had so much in common now.

  Stewart noticed his daughter’s maneuver but didn’t say anything. He sighed and joined his wife with Bryce and Alex. “Hey, fellas,” he said shaking their hands. “You guys must be exhausted.”

  “We’re not too bad,” Alex replied. “It was a pretty easy ride.”

  Stewart smiled. “I’d say it was an easy ride too if I came in that Navigator you have.”

  Alex shrugged his shoulders. “No easier than if we’d have come in that Mercedes in your driveway.”

  Stewart laughed heartily. “You got me there.”

  Alex smiled. Despite the man’s ways, he could see himself having a good relationship with his father-in-law. But for the sake of going against his wife’s side, and the sake of continued peace in his home, he would keep the banter to a minimum. Stewart grabbed a couple of his daughters’ bags.

  “Okay, fellas, let me show you where you’ll all be sleeping.”

  “I’ll come with you,” Karen said, stepping beside Alex.

  “What about giving Mama her presents?” Monica asked.

  Jean put up her hand. “Don’t worry about that right now, baby. We’ll save that for dinner.”

  “Are you sure, Mama?” Karen asked. She and Monica had gone to the store together and purchased a white satin robe with matching white slippers, scented lotion, body spray, and soap from Bath and Body Works, a Patti LaBelle cookbook, and several other books by Iyanla Vanzant.

  “I’m sure, baby,” Jean said. “I’ll open them later.”

  “Later it is,” Karen said. She took her husband by the hand. “Come on, baby. Let me show you what my old room looks like.” Although she wouldn’t say it, she was anxious to see her old room.

  “I won’t see any pictures of old boyfriends laying around will I?”

  Karen batted her eyes playfully. “Of course not. You know there was never anyone before you.” Karen kissed him on the cheek and then bolted up the staircase. Alex chuckled and then, bags in hand, took the stairs in twos behind her.

  Jean shook her head at their silliness. More than ever, she regretted having missed out on their special day. She turned to Monica. “Are you going upstairs to your old room too, chile?”

  “Yeah,” Bryce said quickly. “I’d like to see that old room too.” He knew it was a long shot, but as long as Monica didn’t want her parents to know anything was going on, he figured she’d say yes.

  He was wrong.

  “I’m not ready to go up right now,” she said jabbing a hole into Bryce’s balloon of hope.

  “You sure?” he asked.

  “I’m sure,” she answered, fixing a glare on him that told him she didn’t appreciate his attempts. “Mama, I’ll just help you in the kitchen.”

  Jean saw their strained interaction, and for a second she was going to try and convince Monica to go upstairs so that she and Bryce could talk. But something told her it wasn’t time for that yet.

  “Ok, baby. Bryce, will you tell Karen to come down and join her sister and me when she’s done, please?”

  “No problem, Mama Blige.”

  “Thank you.”

  “Is Jeff coming, Mama? I would have thought he would have been here already.”

  “I hope so, baby,” Jean answered quietly.

  “Is everything okay?” Monica watched her mother closely. It was obvious to her that something had gone on between Jeff and their mother. And knowing their past history, Monica could only assume they must have had an argument about Jeff and his dating preference. For as long she could remember, they’d always been at odds about that issue. While Monica wasn’t too thrilled that her brother only seemed to take interest in white females, she didn’t take it as harshly as her mother. Neither she nor her brother or sister had experienced anything as tragic as what their mother had to endure, so they never developed the deep feeling of resentment and distrust toward Whites. They each had white friends, both male and female, but unlike Jeff, Karen and Monica never dated anyone that was Caucasian. Alex was Karen’s first time venturing into the interracial relationship realm, and it would be her last. Monica wasn’t sure what realm she would be in now.

  “Everything is just fine, chile.” Jean walked on, without saying another word.

  As Monica followed her mother to the kitchen, Bryce stared at her and wished that she would look back and acknowledge him in some way. He’d watched her closely while she’d been in her father’s arms. He’d noticed her cold demeanor, and Bryce was sure that she was thinking of him and what he’d done at that moment. His shoulders slumped when she disappeared into the kitchen. She hadn’t even offered an over-the-shoulder glance. He sighed, grabbed his bags, and followed behind Alex and the good minister.

  23

  Karen and Monica savored the aroma of the meal their mother had been preparing since the night before. It had been a long time since either one of them had eaten a real down-home cooked meal. Because of their busy lives, they’d rarely been able to really devote the necessary time to the kitchen the way they’d been taught to.

  Turkey was baking in the oven, rice with black-eyed peas was simmering on the stovetop, and collard greens and corn bread were already prepared and were cooling.

  Jean smiled as she watched her daughters inhale the fragrance through their nostrils. It felt good to have them there. Home felt like home again. “Girls,” she said, sitting down by the island in the middle of the kitchen. “Get away from that stove and come sit with me.”

  The sisters reluctantly moved away from the stove and joined their mother.

  “We should have been the ones preparing this meal for you, Mama. This is your day,” Karen said, sitting to her mother’s right.

  “She’s right, Mama,” Monica agreed. “You’re supposed to be taking it easy and relaxing.”

  Jean nodded her head. “I am taking it easy, girls. And Lord knows I don’t cook like this for just your daddy and me. This is relaxing for me.”

  “But it’s your birthday, Mama,” Karen said.

  “So? Does that mean because it’s my birthday I can’t cook?”

  Karen shook her head. “No, but—”

  “‘But nothin’. It’s my day, and I wanted to do this. Days like this don’t come too often. So now that we have that settled, how have you girls been? It’s been too long. There’s so much to catch up on. Karen, how is your show going?”

  Karen smiled proudly. “The show is doing really well. I think I’ll be taking it national soon. I’ve been talking to peopl
e from the TBS network.”

  Jean beamed and looked seriously at Karen. “Karen, I never told you, but I am addicted to your show. I’ve been watchin’ the show every afternoon. You gon’ be like Oprah soon.”

  “Mama, how do you get to see that out here?”

  “Chile, some months back, Mr. Parsons from next door installed a satellite for us for free.”

  “Isn’t that illegal, Mama?” Karen asked.

  Jean looked at her daughter and winked. “Chile, if it wasn’t meant to be, the good Lord wouldn’t have made it possible for me.”

  Karen laughed. “You know that’s not right, Mama.”

  Jean shrugged her shoulders and played innocent.

  “Well I’m glad you like the show, Mama.”

  “Chile, I’m proud of you.”

  Jean turned her attention to Monica. “What’s wrong, baby?”

  Monica shook her head slowly in an attempt to say nothing was wrong, but Jean wasn’t having it. “Chile, I am your mama. I gave birth to you, cleaned your dirty behind, and raised you.” Jean took Monica’s face in her hands. “There ain’t nothin’ you can hide or keep from me. Now I saw you in distress the minute you all arrived, so you may as well talk.”

  Monica shook her head half-heartedly and tried, but couldn’t keep tears from snaking down her cheeks. “Mama, why did you stay married to Daddy?”

  Jean looked at Monica. So did Karen. “Where is that comin’ from, chile? Why are you cryin’?”

  “Mama, you don’t have to pretend that Daddy was a saint, because we know he wasn’t. We know all about how he disrespected you by being with other women. I know you must be hurting over it, because Bryce did it to me too, and I feel like I’m dying inside. Why did you stay with him, Mama?”

  Karen handed Monica a napkin and took her sister’s hand.

  Jean sighed and spoke to both of her daughters. “Girls, I love your daddy. And I promised God I would always love him through the good and bad times.”

  “But he ran around on you so many times. Mama, that’s not what those vows are about,” Monica said.