Monster Problems 2: Down for the Count

by R. L. Ullman

  As I settle in, I look up at the stage where the faculty is sitting. Professor Holmwood and Professor Morris are having an intense conversation, Professor Seward is flipping through a notebook, and Professor Hexum is staring straight ahead with his arms crossed and his walking stick across his lap.

  As I look at him my blood boils, so I shift my attention to the large, black banner hanging above the stage. My eyes trace the bold, gothic letters that spell out the words: VAN HELSING ACADEMY. Then, I read the school’s motto:

  YOU MUST BELIEVE IN THINGS YOU CANNOT IMAGINE.

  When I first arrived, I had no idea what that meant. But now, after everything I’ve been through, I totally understand it. The things I’ve discovered here still boggle my mind. I mean, before this I had no idea that monsters were real.

  Or that I’m a vampire.

  Suddenly, I get knocked in the ribs.

  “Hey!” I say, rubbing my side. But when I look to my left there’s no one sitting there.

  “Stop daydreaming,” InvisiBill says. “Van Helsing is getting on stage.”

  I want to sock InvisiBill, but when I look up, Van Helsing is walking up the stairs with a strange man in tow. As usual, Van Helsing looks like he’s dressed for a winter storm, complete with sweater, gloves and a scarf.

  But I don’t recognize the man behind him.

  He’s wearing a pair of thick, black glasses which seem odd against his pasty complexion. He has white hair like Van Helsing and is dressed in a blue, button-down shirt, with a black tie, brown pants and black suspenders. As Van Helsing approaches the microphone, he invites the man to stand beside him and the man complies, smiling nervously.

  The microphone SQUEALS as Van Helsing pulls it towards him, making everyone cover their ears.

  Then, the room grows quiet.

  “Students,” Van Helsing says, looking up. “We will begin once you ground yourselves and take your seats.”

  Seconds later, all of the flyers have touched down.

  “Thank you,” he says. “I have called this assembly to introduce an old friend who will be temporarily joining our faculty. It is my privilege to introduce Dr. Eugene Renfield.”

  As Van Helsing turns to Dr. Renfield, the other professors applaud, except for Hexum whose arms are still crossed. Dr. Renfield nods in acknowledgment but looks like he’d rather be anywhere else.

  “Dr. Renfield will add much-needed expertise to our staff,” Van Helsing continues. “He is the preeminent expert in the field of monster psychology. Dr. Renfield has conducted extensive field studies across all categories of monsters, publishing papers on nearly every monster sub-type. His knowledge of monster behavior and monster motivations are unparalleled and he will be a tremendous asset in helping us to better understand our opponents and ourselves. I am beyond thrilled that he has agreed to join us this term and starting tomorrow all of you will begin a new class called Monster Mindset 101.”

  “Wait, what?” Hairball blurts out, a little too loudly.

  Van Helsing raises an eyebrow, but clearly Hairball merely expressed what everyone else was thinking, because suddenly the room erupts in a collective groan.

  And I can see why. I mean, how can we possibly take on a fifth class? We’re buried up to our eyeballs in homework from the classes we already have.

  “Well, this is a disaster,” InvisiBill whispers. “I’m barely passing as it is.”

  “Do not dismay,” Van Helsing says. “I understand this is an additional course of study, but it is not my intention to overload you. What Dr. Renfield will teach you is invaluable. Therefore, there will be no homework assigned in his class. However, you must be an active participant to get a passing grade.”

  “Yep,” InvisiBill whispers, “I’m definitely flunking that one too.”

  This time there’s a collective cheer as the kids high-five or high-paw one another. Well, that’s certainly a relief. I don’t think I could handle one more thing.

  “You will find your adjusted course schedules in your mailboxes,” Van Helsing continues. “I know you all will make Dr. Renfield feel at home here. Thank you for attending this announcement. You are dismissed.”

  Suddenly, the room is buzzing once more as the kids stand up to leave. But I have a different idea. This might be my only chance to catch Van Helsing to get my team reinstated for the Monster Cup.

  But as I head towards the stage I freeze.

  For some reason, Dr. Renfield is looking my way.

  For a second, I’m confused, and I look over my shoulder to see if he’s staring at someone standing behind me, but there’s no one there. And when I look back, he’s still staring at me.

  Then, Hexum puts his hand on Dr. Renfield’s shoulder and he turns. Well, that was weird.

  Now Van Helsing is talking to both Renfield and Hexum. Do I really want to bring this up with Hexum standing right there?

  Probably not a good idea.

  “Let’s go check our mailboxes,” Aura says. “I’m curious to see if we’re having Monster Mindset in the morning or afternoon.”

  Suddenly, I hear snickering, and when I turn I see Harpoon pointing at me and whispering to the other Howlers. Then, they all burst out laughing.

  “Shut up!” Aura yells. “You won on a technicality. Next year you won’t be so lucky.”

  “Why’s that?” Harpoon asks. “Are you getting rid of the vampire kid before next year’s Monster Cup?”

  The Howlers bend over in laughter.

  “Come on, guys,” Aura says, floating past them.

  As we follow her out, I can tell she’s still seething, but there’s nothing I can do. At least she stuck up for me.

  I guess that’s a good thing.

  But as soon as we step outside, we’re stopped by our very own half-man, half-spider.

  “Hang on, Monstrosities,” Crawler says, blocking us with two of his spider legs. “I’ve been waiting for you.”

  “For us?” Aura says. “Why? We didn’t do anything wrong. We were just heading back to Monster House.”

  “Relax,” Crawler says. “You’re not in trouble. I need your help. For a little job off campus.”

  “Off campus?” Rage says. “Whoa, hold on there. The last time we went off campus we got in really big trouble, remember? Like, we wrecked your jeep and nearly got eaten by zombies. Are you sure you’re not looking for the Howlers?”

  “Nope,” Crawler says. “I’m looking for you guys.”

  “For what?” I ask. “And won’t Van Helsing be mad at us for leaving school again?”

  “Nope,” Crawler says. “I’m following Van Helsing’s orders.”

  “Really?” I say. “His orders for what?”

  “For a mission,” Crawler says.

  “A mission, huh?” Hairball says, cracking his knuckles. “What kind of a mission?”

  “Let’s call it a search mission,” Crawler says. “Follow me.”

  GET ME OUT OF HERE

  My gut is telling me this is a really, really bad idea.

  After everything that’s happened, the last thing I want to do is go on this little adventure. In fact, if I had it my way, I’d be back at Monster House lying in bed. But when Crawler ‘volun-told’ us that we were going with him on a “search mission”—whatever that means—everyone else jumped at the chance. So, I was forced to come along, whether I wanted to or not.

  Of course, I could have backed out, but that would have irked the team even more. Right now, after blowing the team’s shot at the Monster Cup, I need to do whatever it takes to mend fences. Especially with Aura, who still clearly hates me right now.

  Like, really hates me right now.

  She made that pretty obvious when we boarded the bus. I got on first and sat up front. But Aura just floated past the empty seat next to me and went all the way to the back.

  Message received.

  Unfortunately, Stanphibian squeezed in next to me, so things are smelling rather fishy up here.

  When it rains it pours. />
  Anyway, aside from my ghost-drama nobody even knows where the heck we’re going because Crawler won’t tell us. We’ve probably been on the road for half an hour and every time one of us asks if we’re there yet, he just shakes his head and says, ‘I’ll tell you when we get there.’

  I stare out the window at the passing trees when I suddenly remember something Crawler said when he roped us into this mission.

  “Hey, Crawler,” I say. “When you got us, you said you were following Van Helsing’s orders. What exactly were his orders anyway?”

  “He wants you guys to get more comfortable working together outside of the academy,” Crawler says. “Let’s just say your last two outings weren’t exactly confidence builders.”

  Well, he’s got that right.

  The first time we left campus, we tried to stop a grave robbery and nearly got eaten by zombies and werewolves. That was totally scary, but it was relatively tame compared to my second time off campus.

  That’s when I got ‘ported’ through Professor Faustius’ book into his secret lair and watched as he used my blood to bring Count Dracula back to life.

  As much as I try, it’s impossible to shake the fact that I’ve put the entire world in serious danger. I mean, no one really talks about it around me, but I know everyone is nervous about how we’ll stop Count Dracula—especially since Van Helsing said the only one who can actually do it is me.

  Definitely not a confidence builder.

  I mean, I know Count Dracula is out there somewhere gathering his strength. And now that he’s back, I bet the Dark Ones’ ranks are swelling right now. Apparently, evil is a magnet for demented people.

  I look back out the window.

  Then, I remember something else Crawler said and I shudder. It was right after he saved me from being demolished by Rage at the cemetery.

  “Um, Crawler?” I call out. “Didn’t you tell me we weren’t safe once we left campus?”

  “What, are you chicken now?” InvisiBill says from the seat behind me that I thought was empty. “We should call you Bawk-pire! Bawk, bawk!”

  “I’m not a chicken, you goober,” I say. “But after Crawler shot Rage with enough tranquilizers to put down a brontosaurus, he told me we weren’t safe once we left the gates of the Van Helsing Academy. He said the school grounds are protected from evil by Supernatural artifacts, but we don’t have that same protection once we leave campus. Isn’t that right, Crawler?”

  I catch Crawler looking at me wide-eyed in the rearview mirror. And when I turn around, the other kids are staring at me like I have two heads.

  “Right, Crawler?” I say.

  “Um, did I tell you that?” Crawler says.

  “Yes,” I say. “You did.”

  “Well, what do you know?” Crawler says, his voice rising. “I totally forgot about that.”

  “Great,” Rage says, dropping his head into his hands. “Can we please turn around now?”

  “But don’t worry,” Crawler says quickly. “This mission will be an easy one. And this time you’re all under my supervision so it’s cool. Hey, anybody know any good road trip songs?”

  “Hang on, Crawler,” Aura says. “We’re not just going to just skip over this. How come no one told us the school has Supernatural protection?”

  “Never came up?” Crawler offers.

  “Spill it, Crawler,” Hairball says. “What are these artifacts already?”

  “Nothing, really,” he says. “Oh my, look at that tree over there. Is that a squirrel?”

  “Stop trying to change the subject,” InvisiBill says.

  “It’s a big squirrel,” Crawler says. “Look at its—”

  “Spill it!” we all yell in unison.

  “Okay, okay,” Crawler says. “But I’m not supposed to tell anyone about this. If I tell you, you can’t repeat it to anyone—and I mean anyone. Do we have a deal?”

  “Deal,” we all agree.

  “Alright,” Crawler says, his eyes narrowing. “Legend has it that somewhere, hidden in the basement of the Van Helsing Academy are three Supernatural objects—a bell, a book, and a candle—known as the Artifacts of Virtue. Now I’ve never seen them myself, but it’s said that as long as they’re aligned to form a triangle, they cast a shield of protection that blocks evil from breaking through their barrier.”

  “Hold on,” InvisiBill says. “You’re saying that the entire school is protected by a bell, a book, and a dinky candle?”

  “Yep,” Crawler says. “That’s what I’m saying.”

  “Is it really true?” Aura asks.

  “Ever seen any zombies in Monster House or werewolves on the green?” Crawler says.

  “Well, no,” I say.

  “I guess you have your answer then,” Crawler says. “Now look alive, because we’re finally here. Thank goodness.”

  Here? Here where?

  Out the window I see a battered blue sign:

  MOREAU LABORATORIES

  Moreau Laboratories? What’s that?

  But as I look up, I’m not sure I want to know the answer, because standing before us is a creepy office building that’s seen way better days. It’s three stories tall with a cracked brick facade and boarded-up windows. The overgrown bushes clearly haven’t been trimmed in years and the chain-link fence surrounding the perimeter looks like it was runover by a tank.

  “Were not going in there, are we?” Rage asks.

  “Yes, we are,” Crawler says.

  “But it looks like the set of a horror movie,” Rage says. “Like, a really scary horror movie.”

  “Well,” Crawler says. “I guess it’s a good thing we’re monsters.”

  As we head down the driveway, I realize there aren’t any streetlights. And as we get closer to the building, I notice empty guard towers and rolls of barbed wire stretched across the ground. Clearly, this was once a heavily fortified complex. But the question is why?

  Crawler pulls into the parking lot and parks in the faded handicapped space right in front of the building. Normally, I’d tell him that’s rude, but since it doesn’t seem like anyone has parked here for decades, we’re probably okay.

  “Everyone out,” Crawler says.

  As we file out, it dawns on me that we can forget about the element of surprise. I mean, it’s not like Crawler is trying to hide us.

  “Okay,” Crawler says, slapping two of his spider legs together. “Here’s the deal. As you know, my spider network has eyes all over the world. Yesterday, one of my top scouts spotted strange activity here at Moreau Labs. For those of you who don’t know what Moreau Labs is—which is pretty much all of you by the looks of it—let me give you a quick rundown. Moreau Labs was a government-backed research facility run by a man named Simon Moreau, a brilliant but misguided scientist who became infamous for conducting genetic experiments on regular people… and, well, monsters.”

  “Monsters?” Rage says. “Did you just say monsters?”

  “Um, what kinds of experiments?” InvisiBill asks.

  “Not good ones,” Crawler says. “But don’t worry, his lab has been shut down for a long, long time. Apparently, the government didn’t agree with whatever Moreau was doing, so they pulled his funding and came to arrest him. But Moreau escaped, went into hiding, and hasn’t been seen since. His lab has been vacant for years. Until now, that is.”

  “Well, this just keeps getting better,” I say. “What exactly does ‘until now’ mean?”

  “It means that one of my scouts picked up movement inside the lab,” Crawler says. “But it’s nothing to be nervous about. According to her final report, the lab has been infiltrated by a couple of cats.”

  “Cats?” I say. “Like, kitty cats?”

  “Exactly,” Crawler says.

  “Sooo,” I say. “why do we care if cats are running around this old building?”

  “Because we’ve been keeping our eyes on this facility ever since Dr. Moreau got away,” Crawler says. “And this is the first activity we’ve picked up
since he left. We just need to make sure everything checks out okay, that’s all.”

  “Just one more question,” Aura asks. “You said your scout made her final report. What does ‘final’ mean?”

  “It means I haven’t heard from her since,” Crawler says, his eyebrows raising with concern. “And she’s not responding to any communication.”

  “Well, that’s reassuring,” I say. “Anything else you’re not telling us?”

  “Nope,” Crawler says. “So, let’s break up into smaller groups and sweep this building fast.”

  ***

  Well, so much for being under Crawler’s direct supervision. Crawler split us into teams and we went our separate ways. Aura and Hairball got the first floor, Crawler, InvisiBill, and Stanphibian took the second floor, and Rage and I got the top floor. Not that I’m complaining. Believe me, I want to get this over with as quickly as possible.

  The good news is that Crawler is keeping close tabs on InvisiBill and Stanphibian. If those two knuckleheads were left to their own devices, they’d definitely screw something up big time.

  As Rage and I climb the last flight of stairs I notice him falling behind. I glance over my shoulder and see he’s wincing, holding his head with one hand and gripping the railing tightly with the other.

  “You okay?” I whisper.

  “What?” Rage says, standing up straighter. “Yeah, sorry. It’s just… I’m fine.”

  Okay, I don’t know what’s wrong with him, but that’s even more incentive to get this done fast. As I step onto the third-floor landing. I listen for the telltale sounds of cats, like purring, meowing, or the yakking of a hairball, but there’s nothing. I guess this is where the ‘search’ part of the search mission comes in.

  I peer around the corner of the stairwell down a long hallway. The square, overhead lights are out, the beige floor tiles run from end-to-end, and all of the doors along the hallway are closed.

  Then, I notice something strange.

  At the far end of the hallway is a smashed window with glass shards and a shattered wood panel scattered on the floor. Clearly, something busted its way inside. My first thought is the cats, but I don’t think cats could climb three stories up the side of a building and smash through a boarded-up window.