2085

by Alejandro Volnié

  “And after you finished school?”

  “The day I finished graduate school is the last time I remember seeing my father laughing and chatting as in previous times. During the small reception they offered me at home to celebrate the occasion, it seemed that time had not passed over him. The happiness that shone in his face reminded me of the man of those distant years that had been who I had most admired. His joy was contagious to me to the point of making me forget that he actually had plunged into a deep depression. It was as if the man he had been before were back and we all were celebrating his return. Deep inside I was wishing that he came back to be the same as before, but I knew it was unlikely. His joy faded away within a few days to go back to his typical mood of the recent years. It would not be long for the day when he decided to commit suicide.”

  “How did you feel before his suicide?”

  “It was a Sunday afternoon and Lucy, my mother and I had gone shopping. When we came back home we were surprised not to see him sitting in his usual armchair, so my mother went to his bedroom, where she found him inert. Her desperate cries calling me were bewildering, so I strode upstairs. I found her standing by the bed, unable to speak. When I realized what had happened I hugged her and we both began to mourn. The impact of such a finding made us hardly talk among ourselves for several days. We simply embraced each other whenever we met face to face. My life was never again the same. For the first time I seriously got to consider the possibility of my own death, and thereafter I went into a lapse fraught with questions of a spiritual nature. Although my mother had brought me into believing that there was eternal life for those who had acted fairly in their passage through this world, I was prone to believe in reincarnation, a philosophy very popular at that time and which I found more comfortable. Many years later, when the inexistence of the human soul was declared, the peace of mind that brought me knowing that I did not have to die as long as I replicated every time I needed to, made me blindly accept this declaration and never again challenge its truthfulness. I was forced so by my contract with the corporation and so I did.”

  “What led you to accept the job offered by the same corporation that had caused so much damage to your father?”

  “At that time I had been caught by anxiety. Lucy had just replicated a few years ago and I was seeing myself grow old. Moreover, we had justified spending all our savings on her replication in order to have a child, which later had been postponed. I felt that my life was slipping through my hands, and for the first time I was suffering from severe accesses of jealousy. After all, the body age difference between my wife and I had become significant and she looked wonderful, and to aggravate the situation, I knew my replication had fallen absolutely out of my reach for financial reasons. When the merger of the company for which I was working and the corporation became a fact, and I was offered a high-ranking position in it, I knew that my big break awaited there. The absolute rejection I felt towards this organization was not as big as my fear of ending up alone. On the other hand, Lucy was for it and my mother against. I could not please both of them, so I took the easy way out and accepted. Since then I have lived with the deep feeling of having betrayed the memory of my father, and to this day, whenever I remember, guilt upsets me.”

  “Well. We will take a short break for lunch and resume later.”

  In the adjacent room some food trays brought from the cafeteria awaited them, as every day until then. This time they would go through lunch without exchanging a single word. Thoughts were swirling inside the recruit’s head. For the first time he had become able to look at his past as a mere observer, gaining a new perspective that allowed him to understand the whys of each of the decisions made throughout his life. He could perceive himself as a mere actor in the drama of his existence, which would provide the opportunity to rationalize his fears to later on dispose them of. However, the anxiety that was producing this new self-finding in him had taken already his calm away, and there was still a long distance to go.”

  Once the break was over, the three men settled back in their usual places to continue. As usual, Professor Kilgo took the initiative:

  “Explain to us how the close relationship with your mother you have had for most of her life would become an absolute rift by the end of it.”

  “My mother always cared for me. In the early years of my life she would not let me away from her even for a moment, which is understandable since after my birth she lost the ability to get pregnant and this assured me to be an only child. As I began attending elementary school, she got a job that left her afternoon hours free, which she devoted to assist me with my school work, and afterwards just to play with me. When I grew up I became more attached to my father and this made her constantly scold him for taking me in his weekend outings, claiming I was too young to share such risky activities, and during the afternoon hours that we spent together on weekdays she would not lose a chance to reproach me for the time of solitude that she had to overcome when we were absent. This made me develop the feeling that, because of me, the relationship between my parents was deteriorating, and as a result, guilt was my companion every time I went on a new tour with my father.”

  “How did you handle those feelings?”

  “At first this caused me a great anxiety that clouded the joy of the time I shared with my father, and although as field trips added my anxiety gradually disappeared, guilt always persisted.”

  “And during your adolescence?”

  “My mother was constantly worried about my long hours of absence and the little sleep I got when I was away. Our conversations during that time were always about her concern for my lifestyle; however, by then my self-esteem lay on the approval I received from my new group of friends. Until that time my life had been rather isolated, and throughout my childhood I had had a hard time trying to relate to others, so I had never developed an affinity with any of my fellow students. In fact, it could be said that I had no friends at all, so, finding me out being part of a group and accepted into it as par was a new experience that I was not willing to sacrifice just to please my mother. For this reason, I just put up with the long harangues she addressed me, and then went on behaving the same way. I had to develop the ability to listen indifferently to what she said to dare keeping my new way of life, which at the time made me feel as an adult.”

  “Did the relationship between you and your mother changed after she met Lucy?”

  “It changed for the better. When I introduced Lucy to her, approval was immediate. The bond that they quickly developed made it look as if they had known each other for a long time. My mother was very happy to see that my new relationship had brought a stage of stability to my life, and what made her even happier was to finally know where and in whose company I was in every moment. Our courtship years were characterized by the harmony in which all of us carried our family life, at least until the painful death of my father.”

  “And after this event?”

  “The confusion in which she had fallen compelled me to spend more time with her. In a way, I felt responsible for her loneliness, as I had come to think that my father had waited just until I finished graduate school to take his life. It was as if I had determined the date of his departure. Preparations that I had secretly begun to marry Lucy had to be suspended, as at this time I would not have dared to leave my mother alone. This, added to the general malaise that the events had arisen in me, clouded our relationship for a long time, in which, not knowing exactly how to act, I was trying to assume the role of my now absent parent while inside I blamed my mother for my frustration feeling for having had to suspend my marriage plans. However, over the months we all gradually regained our peace, and it was my mother who encouraged us to resume our suspended marriage plans, which now Lucy and I shared with a bigger resolution.”

  “And after marriage?”

  “The years following our marriage were rather stable. I use to get in touch with my mother almost daily and visited her once or twice each week
, and so time passed unnoticed, until we decided that Lucy would replicate. It was hard to find the time and the way to tell her our plans because I knew she would not agree with us; however, it was essential that she were aware of them; it could be that a woman her age could not withstand the impact of seeing her daughter in law rejuvenated without prior notice. Finally, one Sunday afternoon, just a few days away from the scheduled date, I told her. Her reaction to the news was even worse than I had expected. She swore in the name of all what she most respected that she would not allow my woman again in her home if she went through such a procedure. I was overwhelmed at the threat of breaking the quiet cadence that for years had set the pace of our lives, but our decision had been made and my hope for an heir was bigger than any price we should have to pay in return.”

  “How did you feel after that?”

  “I guess it was at that time when my perspective on life radically changed. From that moment I did not care more about anything other than getting what I wanted. I pulled out from me the feeling of discomfort of staying away from my mother and decided not to think again about the matter; after all, how dare she question my decision on the direction I was setting for my life? I was already an old man at that time and I would not let pass this new opportunity that fate was offering me.”

  “Did you ever see your mother again?”

  “Yes indeed. Although my visits became scarce to the point of not being more than one or two every month, and this until my opportunity to replicate came. At such time my mother had aged and her eventual death would not have been a surprise. When I took the decision towards my first replication I had realized that, if I didn’t at that time, everything that was important to me in life would slip out of my hands. This time I did not let my mother know about it, even though I was sure that one way or another she would eventually tell. Once rejuvenated, I chose not to see her in person anymore. She guessed this right away and let me know through a messenger that she did not want to see me anymore. My desperation upon receipt, plus the impact from my recent replication, made me embrace an absolute conviction that the only things important to me should be my personal benefit and my wellbeing. I must confess that, despite all my attempts to deceive myself, actually I suffered from a deep inner pain that I could only mitigate if I avoided to think. It was by this time that I became a slave to my recently acquired isomentalizer.”

  “And after your mother’s death?”

  “You are posing me a hard to answer question. I guess I must have been suffering great pain because I came to erase my memory almost daily for over a month. My memories of that time are nothing but a bunch of loose pieces that I can hardly connect into an intelligible picture, although I know for a fact that the corporation gave me a month off and Lucy never left my side. After my forced vacation I finally managed to take my life routine over.”

  “Well. We will take a break again.”

  From the table in the middle of the next room the tempting aroma of freshly brewed coffee was arising. It had just been brought by one of the employees of the camp.”

  One by one, the actors of the session came in. Although the professors looked fresh, the man who had been in charge of most of the speaking was showing a gloomy air. He walked over to the jar and poured some hot liquid into a cup to fill it almost completely. While holding the drink in his hand, mechanically blowing over it, his stare was fixed on the washed out carpet, and so he kept it throughout the break. Now he had understood what the words of the elderly professor had meant when few days earlier he said that probably he would have preferred to be among the rest of the recruits, tiring his body and not his mind.

  This day’s exercise had been exhausting so far, and there were still several hours to go before the session would be over. He was not sure he could take it.

  Lost in his thoughts as he was, he had to hear Professor Naim’s voice to come back to reality:

  “It’s time, we must continue.”

  He left back on the table the cup that had for a while been empty in his hands and slowly walked back to his seat.

  Once everyone had settled, Professor Kilgo started:

  “We will continue with Lucy. What were your first feelings for her?”

  “Lucy is the best experience and the greatest gift that life has given me. When I first saw her, she was walking along one of the corridors of the school we both attended. As my eyes fell on her I couldn’t look away. I followed her with my gaze until her silhouette got lost through the entrance of a classroom. I walked up to that door to peer through the peephole, because as soon as the group with which she was had entered the room, the door had been closed. For several minutes I stood there, watching without her noticing. From that day, finding her among the crowd that moved through the many corridors linking school buildings became my main occupation. It became my sole task during the breaks between one class and the next one. When I finally managed to cross paths with her, I could not take my eyes off hers. To my surprise, she returned my look along with a big smile. As she passed me I turned on my heels and reached her. Interacting in college was an easy thing, so I had no qualms about starting a conversation. A natural affinity between the two of us asserted immediately, and so we began to spend more and more time together, until it became romance. The memory of that first time she smiled to me still brings a feeling of joy that surges from deep inside. If someone asked me now what love is, I could certainly answer that I do not know, but it’s something that I have thoroughly enjoyed for many years of my life even if I cannot explain it. Lucy brought to my existence the feeling that makes everything to be worth, and that makes that any problem, no matter how big it may seem, become easier to cope with.”

  “And what about when you decided that she would replicate?”

  “Those were difficult months. Lucy did not think it to be right from a moral point of view, and as she came from a traditionalist family, she feared that the good relationship that she had always held with her brother and his parents would deteriorate. She knew they would react in the same way that my mother, so she thought it better to announce them our plans in advance. The news was not welcome, and from that day the continuous pressure they put on her affected our calm. I had never before seen her so down. However, our resolution to regain lost time and finally have a child stood firm. During the months prior to her first replication she became aggressive towards me, as if blaming me for the tough emotional stage she was going through, and this scaled to a point where I came to consider breaking up with her. Fortunately this did not occur. When she finally made up her mind she chose to keep our relationship despite knowing it would cost her to lose her family, which actually happened.”

  “How did you feel after seeing her replicated?”

  “It was a shocking experience. The assortment of feelings that I was experiencing is hard to explain. First of all I was surprised, as if she were a different person, and it took me several days to get used to her new looks. Then uncertainty seized me. Along with her new body also a new attitude had come. Now she behaved as a young woman while I could not change my habits, typical to a middle-aged man. The worst part of it was when I got invaded by jealousy. Seeing her so young and cheerful I feared that she could leave me and I started to watch her like never before. I had fallen into deep despair because now I was feeling an urge to replicate but this fell far away from our financial capacity. There was no way we could gather the amount needed to pay for the procedure. The only way I could think to restore our tranquility was that she finally got pregnant. My continued insistence on the subject exasperated her. She wanted to enjoy her rejuvenated existence and had no intention of sacrificing her freedom. At this time I came to understand why we had reached our age constantly postponing the issue of having a child. I had been, when I was 27, just like she had become again. I can say that this period of my life was characterized by unhappiness, a feeling that to me had been virtually unknown until then.”

  “How did you feel when the opportunity to r
eplicate came to you?”

  “When my next promotion within the corporation came, and along with it the opportunity to replicate, I felt as if I had been born again. The desperation in which I had lived for the last years turned into hope. I remember hastening home that day after work to break the news to Lucy. When she heard me we hugged jumping for joy. Our lives filled again with optimism, our relationship became once more as it had been before, and this would stand for many years from then. I cannot remember feeling unhappy ever since, at least not that lasted for long.”

  “And when the time came for Lucy’s second replication?”

  “At that time she flatly refused to go through the process again. By then replication was compulsory to us. A few years earlier we had gone through a short but stormy stage during which we continually discussed the issue, as we should both make the commitment to the leader of the corporation not to procreate because this was a condition for my next promotion, along with that of periodically replicating ourselves. We had again let the time go and had not gotten the longed for child as we had postponed the decision once and again. Taking my next promotion meant to renounce forever to our heir, and now the guilt of having waited so long was overwhelming her. This time I imposed my view and took the opportunity. Deep inside I knew that Lucy would be happy when she came to know the new life that awaited us, and so it was. However, when she had to be replicated for the second time she suffered a crisis of conscience. This time there was not the justification of creating a family as in the first one, and moral considerations, that before she had set aside with relative ease, now were too heavy. My new position granted me the privilege of subjecting my wife to psychological treatment on behalf of the corporation to help her make the decision, and I did. After a few weeks she finally consented, and since then our lives became the same again; and they remained so until I defected. Now I realize that for many years I lived blinded by the dazzling life offered to me, which tuned me into an absolutely attached to material achievements human being. My overwhelming desire to be and to have increasingly has only led me to lose my most precious possession, and the damage I caused her on the road was big. I forced her to become what I believed to be. The Lucy before the second replication would not have hesitated to run away with me, the one afterwards I could not convince. Everything was my fault, and I will have to pay for it with my solitude.”