* * *
Step 3: Describe what you might do that would make it less likely your drinker would do the behavior you just described or make the situation better.
Sometimes when I get angry, I just walk away. She usually doesn't follow me; she just shuts up. I never bring up her mom, but maybe if I mentioned what she'd say if she saw her picking on me, it would make her stop. Worth a try.
Congratulations, you have just designed your first “behavioral intervention.” That's a big phrase that basically means you planned behaviors (yours) that will intentionally change someone else's (your drinker's) behavior in the desired direction. You now know how you can make the situation you described in Activity 13 worse and how you can make it better.
Below is another completed Activity 13. Examine the responses by Harris's partner, along with our commentary, to see what you can learn.
* * *
Describe something your loved one does that really upsets you and that you would like him or her to stop doing.
Whenever we go out to dinner with my sister and her husband, Harris keeps knocking back gin and tonics until he gets pretty loud and obnoxious. He ends up embarrassing everybody. A couple of times we've even been asked to leave the restaurant.
* * *
Describe what you might do that would make it more likely your drinker would do the behavior you just described or make the situation worse.
We've been through this so many times that it really pulls my trigger. I end up yelling, more of a loud stage whisper given the setting, something along the lines of, “Don't you dare order another drink. You're embarrassing me again.” This usually ticks him off and he orders a double.
* * *
Describe what you might do that would make it less likely your drinker would do the behavior you just described or make the situation better.
I could first remind myself that his behavior does not reflect on me. Then I could take a deep breath and say to him, “I know you enjoy the drinks, but it is very important to me that you do not order another one tonight. Could you please do that for me?” If he insists on another, I will say, “If you choose to drink tonight, that's your business. However, I do not have to sit here and watch you. I'm going home now. When you sober up, I'd like to discuss this with you.” Then I'll leave.
* * *
In this example you can see a few very important differences between the first and second responses. In the first, the partner lets Harris control the situation by losing her cool. Her response suggests that she accepts some responsibility for Harris's behavior. (Why else would his behavior embarrass her?) In comparison, the second response helps distance her from his behavior, which in turn helps her remain calm and avoid a confrontation. She begins by taking care of herself (“I'll remind myself that his behavior does not reflect on me”) so that she can avoid blowing up and giving him an excuse to order a double. Then she acknowledges his feelings and expresses her own along with the request that he not order another drink. Failing that, she removes herself from the situation. The important points here are that her behavior was designed to give Harris every opportunity to change his pattern (without losing face) while protecting her own well-being. This may not always work exactly the way you want it to, but it does ensure that you don't buy into the negative pattern and that you do begin to set a new pattern.
As you think about how you can affect your loved one's behavior, keep these points in mind:
If you become angry, you lose control of your behavior and the situation in general. In essence, you give control to the alcohol.
Whenever possible, phrase your message in positive terms. That makes it more likely to be heard.
While it is important to see each situation for what it is (the good, the bad, and the ugly), it is equally important not to catastrophize. In other words, focus on the here and now whenever you can. Don't turn tonight's debacle into a discussion of how your whole life is ruined. Seeing a catastrophe in every situation tends to trigger extreme emotions and loss of control.
Progress happens each time you attempt to change the way you respond to a difficult situation. Whether your attempt is completely, partially, or not at all successful, having made the effort weakens the negative, unproductive habit pattern that you have practiced in the past. Progress comes in many sizes and many forms. Take credit for every bit of it.
As you go forward, remind yourself daily that you can learn to change your behavior and your behavior can help your loved one to change. You do have the power.
Action Summary
The work you did in this chapter is comparable to turning the ignition key in your automobile. If you fail to activate the ignition, even the most finely tuned engines cannot operate. Similarly, if you do not believe you have the right and the power to take control of your life, you will not be able to use any tools we offer you. So remember that you are not the reason your loved one abuses alcohol or other drugs; each of us is responsible only for our own behavior. That said, keep in mind that you can change how you respond to your loved one and, in doing so, trigger positive changes in your lives.
Recap
Refuse to take responsibility for anyone else's behavior. You are not the problem.
Set your radar to watch for instances in which you could change your reaction to the drinker's behavior. As you work your way through the balance of this program, you will develop a number of tools to help you change the way you respond. The first step, though, is recognizing interactions in which you can apply them. Radar up!
Kathy and Jim: A New Kind of Love
Kathy knew what it was to feel responsible. She felt responsible for protecting the kids from Jim's drinking (both his behavior and his example). She felt responsible for smoothing things over for Jim at work when he'd wake up too sick to go in (after all, someone had to ensure they kept a roof over their heads). She felt responsible for protecting him from the scorn of family members and for protecting them from Jim's outbursts. She felt responsible for pushing him to drink with her nagging. She even felt responsible for feeling so miserable. And then something changed.
Kathy asked herself why it was all her responsibility. And there was no answer for the question. She still felt the children were her responsibility but everything else—well, she couldn't come up with a reason why it was her responsibility to make Jim look good or to clean up his messes. In particular, there was no reason to take the blame for his drinking. She never asked him to drink. She never “made” anyone else drink, and she had been close with other family members, friends, and old boyfriends. Other people in Jim's life were considerably less loving toward him than she was, and he never blamed them. There was simply no evidence for Jim's behavior being her fault.
Kathy decided that at least part of the reason she felt so responsible for Jim was because she loves him so much. Somehow, she figured, by taking responsibility for this terrifying turn in their lives, she must have been striving to fix it. When she finally accepted that the responsibility was not hers to take, two things happened. One was that she stopped beating herself up. She could take a breather. The second consequence was her head cleared, and she could think rationally about what she realistically could control. She figured out that her love for Jim could be the motivation to take care of herself so that she would have the energy to change the way she dealt with him. By doing that, Kathy pulled herself out of the endless loop of guilt/anger and started on a new road to a better life.
chapter 6
Let the Good Times Roll
Vanessa and Martin
By the time Vanessa turned twenty-one, she had already become an expert at taking care of her dad. Her mother passed away shortly after Vanessa's thirteenth birthday, and Martin, her father, never really recovered from the loss. At first he drank to “numb the pain,” and then he drank “to forget.” As time wore on, people came to expect him to be drunk and began avoiding him. Finally he seemed to drink just to fill the void where his life had once been.
Through all of this, Vanessa was the one person who stood by him. In fact, she pretty much missed her adolescence while she raised her younger sister, argued with and cajoled her father in attempts to get him to quit, and devoted her time to running the household. Vanessa was old before her time and came into treatment feeling hopeless and resentful as well as guilty for feeling hopeless and resentful.
If you skimmed the table of contents before starting this book, chances are this chapter title caught your eye. What is a title like this doing in the middle of a serious book about a serious problem? Well, it's quite simple really. You deserve some fun.
Think of all the work and energy you have invested dealing with problems caused by alcohol abuse. How many times have you pulled your family through a crisis or kept your loved one safe by hiding the car keys? Have you ever saved your kids from being verbally or physically abused? Have you taken on the role of father and mother or sole breadwinner? How much have you done to keep the delicate balance between a sane and insane life with a drinker? The answer is probably “a lot.” In fact, we guess you have been working so hard at keeping your life together that you have given almost no time or attention to enjoying that life. It is time to change that.
Starting right now, begin rewarding yourself for your effort. In fact, reward yourself just for being you. As the title says, it's time to let the good times roll.
Self-reward (that's what we're talking about here) is not all that different from the kind of rewards you give family, friends, or co-workers. You smile at them, tell them they did a good job, or sometimes reward them with tangibles such as money, gifts, or special time. Rewarding ourselves only requires minor adjustments from the way we reward others. Instead of smiling at the outside world, you smile at yourself on the inside. Telling yourself that you've done well requires fewer resources than telling others; you don't need to say it out loud—just think it. You can reward yourself with physical things just as easily as you reward others—easier in fact because you don't have to guess at what would be a good reward. You know what you like.
Given that one of the major objectives of this program is to improve the quality of your life, it is essential that you introduce some good times into each day. No, you don't need to quit your job to make time for ball games and bubble baths. All you need to do is say something nice to yourself every day and plan a little time on most days for slightly bigger self-rewards. And don't worry if you haven't accomplished anything grand. Reward yourself just for having made it through the day. In fact, we'll go so far as to say reward yourself for rewarding yourself!
As we suggested above, self-reward comes in many forms. At its simplest and least expensive, it consists of positive self-talk, which means simply that you say nice things to yourself such as, “I am a dedicated person” or “I handled that situation better this time.” Of course, your self-talk will vary depending on the situation. We call these Level 1 self-rewards. Slightly more complicated in terms of planning and expense are Level 2 rewards. They are free or inexpensive but do require time. Examples would be time off chores with a good novel; a long, hot soak in the tub; a bicycle ride through the park; or whatever activity brings you pleasure. Level 3 self-rewards are those we typically save for “Accomplishments” with a capital “A.” For example, you might reward yourself with a professional massage (involves both time and money) after you successfully avoid losing your temper when your partner comes home drunk long after dinner has turned to charcoal.
Shortly, we will give you an activity in which you can develop your self-reward options and do some planning to make them a part of your life. First, though, we need to talk about how much to include or exclude your drinking loved one from your self-reward system.
To Roll with the Drinker, or Not
If your drinker is your spouse or life partner, there may be powerful forces acting on you to include him in your self-rewards. After all, the person you love is usually the one with whom you want to spend time. However, before you decide to reward yourself for all your hard work by going out to dinner with your loved one, give some thought to what this person will add to that activity. If she is likely to miss the dinner, show up drunk, or ruin the evening in some other way, your self-reward may well turn into a punishment. (If this describes your situation, take heart. Part of good therapy for substance abuse is working with the significant others of the abuser to improve their joint lives. Thus, if and when your loved one enters treatment, that process should help to make him a more enjoyable partner, and at that point you will derive pleasure from including him in your plans.)
On the other hand, including your drinker in your good times can also serve as a way of moving her away from a drinking lifestyle. By including her in activities that cannot be done while drinking (these are called “competing activities”) and that are enjoyable to the two of you, you will limit the time available for drinking while maximizing the pleasurable time you spend together. Thus, it can be good for you, your loved one, and your relationship.
Having examined both sides of the coin, you are the one who must determine how much to involve your loved one in your self-rewards. Without knowing you personally, our generic recommendation is to plan most of your self-rewards around yourself and reliable friends and family and to include your drinker only in a limited fashion. As his behavior improves and becomes more reliable, you will be able to increase his involvement. In the meantime, though, don't let the drinker steamroll your good times.
Start Rolling
Take a few minutes now to begin adding some good times into your life. Use Activity 14 to start planning for more pleasure in your days. The activity has three columns, one for each level of self-reward we discussed earlier. Remember, Level 1 self-rewards are objects or activities that are free and/or instantaneous. Examples would include positive self-talk (the cheapest, most portable, and most powerful self-reward), a moment to sit by a warm fire, or playing favorite music while you do chores. Level 2 self-rewards involve some time and/or expense. Examples might include time to read a novel or a long-distance call to a friend. Level 3 includes all the other things that require more than a few minutes and more than a few dollars. Depending on your tastes (and budget), these may range from dinner out to a Caribbean cruise.
Read Vanessa's completed list below, then think about what you like to do and the way you like to think about yourself and in your notebook list as many things as you can in each category.
Get By with a Little Help from Your Friends
People in distress tend to stay away from the people who are most likely to help and support them. Instead of letting friends and family lend a hand, they pull away from those who care about them and try to do it all alone. Although there is no research to tell us exactly why, experience says it is partly embarrassment, partly guilt, and partly shame. All of these are very real feelings and very common to people living with a problem drinker. However, isolating is counterproductive and unnecessary. Decide right now to put aside the feelings and thoughts that keep you locked away from your supporters and to embrace the message of the old Beatles song: “You can get by with a little help from your friends.” Here's how.
First off, think about the people in your circle of family, friends, and acquaintances. Among all those individuals are some to whom you feel closer, some who are more fun to be with, and some who rank as the last people on earth with whom you want to spend any time. Start by crossing the last group off your list of potential supporters. Now you are left with a list of people who can fill various needs in your life.
Most of the people on your list are probably folks you would enjoy spending time with on a casual basis, just to have some fun. A few, however, will likely be individuals with whom you may want to talk about your situation. You will need two different approaches for each group of people. Let's talk first about how you can increase your contact with the first group—casual friends.
Create a Social Circle
If you have pretty much kept to
yourself because of your loved one's drinking, it can be difficult to reenter the social world. Remember, however, that the difficulty is all inside your head. When you invite someone to go to a movie or meet for lunch, your discomfort comes from your concerns about how the person will react; perhaps the person will think you forward or desperate or foolish or who knows what. However, if you put the shoe on the other foot and imagine someone inviting you to get together, what would you think? Chances are you would be flattered, think the individual likes you, and generally be pleased. Why believe that other people would judge an invitation more harshly than you would? Even if the person has to turn you down, no harm is done, and odds are a new contact will have been established as the two of you agree to try some other time. The more people you attempt to connect with, the more likely you will be to find some new friends and increase the pleasure in your life.
Find a Confidante
Approaching individuals with whom you want to share your burden can be a little more difficult. However, it can be done. Here's how.
First, identify your goal. Do you want this person to just listen, give advice, physically protect you, loan money, or whisk you off to a desert island? Be very clear in your mind about what you are asking for. Keep your goal simple and focused. For example, reasonable goals would be: “I want someone to talk to about my frustrations with my wife's drinking problem. I don't want to feel judged or devalued.”
Get Your Loved One Sober Page 10