Once you have a goal, figure out who the right person is to approach. Whom can you trust, who is a good enough friend? Decide whom you will ask to share your confidences.
Next, decide how you will ask. What words will you use? Our suggestion is the straightforward approach. Rather than beating around the bush or hinting at what you need, just say it. For example, “Dale, you and I have been friends for years, and you know that Gina's drinking is a problem. I wanted to know if we can find some time to talk so I can figure out what's going on with my life. I just need you to listen and support me. Would you do that for me?” Notice that this person was very direct and very specific about what he wanted from Dale.
Having chosen the words, there are only two more steps. The next, if you are nervous about asking for help, is to practice speaking the words. You can practice by imagining yourself speaking to the individual or by actually rehearsing the words out loud. The mirror makes a handy “partner” for practicing little speeches like this. However you do it, the point is to get your nervousness to a low enough level so that you are able to do it.
This brings us to the final step. Do it! Problems are difficult to tackle alone. Everyone needs a helping hand occasionally, and we all can get by with a little help from our friends.
If you are not confident in your ability to speak effectively in delicate situations, use Activity 15 to identify someone you would like to confide in and write down the words you will use to ask for this person's support. Having a written plan makes the task easier. Below you can see how Vanessa decided to ask for support from a girlfriend she's known all her life. Complete your own activity in your notebook.
Activity 15. Ask for Help
Who will you ask for support?
Erica — we've been friends since kindergarten and she lives close by so it will be easy to get together.
* * *
Repeat the following statements to yourself:
There is nothing wrong with asking people for help. Everybody needs help at one time or another.
The problems we are having are not my fault. While I can help make things better or worse, I am not the one whose drinking is destroying our lives. I am working on the solution to our problems.
Helping others makes people feel good about themselves, so it is okay to ask this person for help.
* * *
Script your request. Tell the person what the problem is and be very clear in what you ask for.
Erica, I really need to talk to you about a problem. We've been friends our whole lives, and I know I can trust you. Before you say anything, I just want you to listen to me for two minutes. I need for you to be my friend, in confidence.
You know that I've been spending a lot of my time at home taking care of my dad. Well, Dad's problem is worse than you probably realize. And it keeps getting more and more out of control, and I just don't know what to do. I need someone to talk to who won't judge me or give me a hard time. I love you and need you to support me. Can I count on you to help me through this?
When we talk to clients about self-reward and asking friends and family for help, they always agree wholeheartedly that these are terrific ideas and that they should definitely do them. At the end of the session, they leave with the intention of following our advice—and then something happens and they do not follow through. The next week when we ask how it went, they tell us that “life” got in the way and that they had time neither for self-reward nor connecting with friends. We say that is a lousy excuse. It wasn't life that got in the way. It was lack of planning. Life is always there, whether you are trying to find time to exercise or call a friend or take a nap. You plan time for and make time for the things that are important to you. Don't let your good times roll into a corner of your schedule and get covered with dust. If you really want to put pleasure and support back into your life, pull out your calendar right now and block off the time to complete this chapter's activities. Schedule your Level 1, 2, and 3 rewards as well as when you are going to call the people who will help you get by and get on with the good times.
Action Summary
Taking care of others begins with taking care of yourself. Begin working on putting your social life back together. Ask for company. Ask for help. Be nice to yourself.
Recap
Plan Level 1, 2, and 3 rewards for yourself and make them happen.
Implement an action plan to include other people in your life.
Kathy and Jim: The Pleasure Palace
When Kathy and Jim began dating, one of their favorite places to go on Friday nights was a combination restaurant/ dance hall called the Pleasure Palace. For about ten dollars, they could eat greasy burgers and fries and dance until their feet ached. When Kathy first started thinking about adding some fun to her own life, she found herself thinking more and more about the Pleasure Palace and started calling this part of the program her reconstruction project—because she was rebuilding the Pleasure Palace.
The first step in Kathy's reconstruction project was to make a list of compliments she felt she deserved and to promise herself to stop at the mirror every time she used the bathroom and compliment herself. She told herself, “I'm a good mother… a loyal wife… caring… organized… attractive… I have a future.”
Kathy also wrote out a schedule for getting herself a manicure and pedicure every month (Level 2) and enrolled in an evening college class in Romantic literature (Level 3). In addition, Kathy decided it was high time to take her sister into her confidence about everything that was going on and admit that she sure could use some help. So she carefully thought through how she would ask her sister to listen to her and help her but not criticize Jim. (Kathy knew that old habits die hard, and if her sister said anything bad about Jim, she'd jump to his defense and end up arguing with her sister.)
Kathy made very specific plans, right down to what she would say and when she would say it, and she stuck to them. The effect the bathroom mirror compliments had on Kathy surprised her. Kathy found herself coming out of the bathroom every few hours feeling just a little better about herself and a little more confident in her ability to accomplish her goals. She hadn't imagined that something so easy could have such a big effect.
When Kathy called her sister asking her to meet to talk about something important, Kathy's sister's heart skipped a beat. She didn't know whether it meant that Jim had beat up Kathy again (her sister knew about the first time even though Kathy thought she had hidden it) or whether, hope against hope, Kathy was going to leave him. Kathy was very clear with her sister about the kind of help she needed, and her sister promised to support her the way she asked. At the end of the evening, Kathy felt a load lift from her shoulders. She would get by with a little help and with the reconstruction of the Pleasure Palace.
chapter 7
Disable the Enabling
Vanya and Juan
Vanya and Juan had only been together a short time when Vanya began to think she had made a terrible mistake. They met at church. He was attracted to her vivaciousness and quick wit. She found him handsome and was excited by his rough-and-ready nature. Juan had never graduated from high school, and he worked for a construction company. He was hard-working and hard-playing—unlike most of the men Vanya had dated in the past. What he lacked in finesse, she said, he more than made up for in masculinity. There was something raw and vital about him that captured her imagination, and then her heart. At first, life together was thrilling… and then the thrills turned into something considerably less exciting. Juan's drinking increased and so did the negative consequences.
Don't Be the Fixer
As the healthier partner in your relationship, it has naturally fallen on you to keep things together and pick up the pieces as they fall. It is common for people in your position to ignore their needs in order to “take care” of the drinker and the family. Unfortunately, by being so helpful, you also accomplish two very unhelpful things. One is that you save others' lives at the expense of draining your own
. Each time you ignore your needs to take care of others, you use up a little more of your energy reserves. Eventually, you will be so used up that you will either collapse (physically, mentally, or motivationally), or you will continue to try to help but your efforts will become less and less effective. You will be running on empty.
The other consequence of fixing is that you make it easy for the drinker to continue in her present behavior pattern. As long as you are there to clean up the mess, square things with the boss, and generally fix what breaks, there is no need for the drinker to change. The popular term to describe this pattern of the drinker drinking and you picking up the pieces is “enabling.” By always being there to fix what goes wrong, you show him that you accept the drinking. Your words may be to the contrary as you scold, nag, and instruct—but your behavior shouts, “I'm here to make it easier for you!”
The more you give, the more the drinker takes until your life is no longer your own. Everything you do centers on either avoiding bad consequences of your drinker's behavior, cleaning up the mess, or feeling hurt and angry that you are caught in this trap. What starts out as good intentions to help your drinker turns into relationship poison as it makes drinking easier for your loved one and leaves you feeling used and angry.
To illustrate, consider Juan and Vanya. Juan is a heavy drinker and has lost several jobs because of it. His typical pattern is to control his intake enough during the week to not cause problems but to get plastered on the weekend and then not be able to go to work on Monday morning. After several “no shows” and calling in sick, he is fired. This has been going on for years, and Vanya is worried Juan will lose the job he just recently started. Juan does fine the first two weeks and then, true to form, gets together with his buddies to watch football on Sunday and ties one on. Monday morning Vanya cannot get him out of bed, and he tells her to call his boss and say he's sick. Thinking only about saving his job, which the family desperately needs, Vanya makes the call. On the surface, this is what any loving partner would do, isn't it? Of course. But if you look a little more carefully, you will see that Vanya is sending an unspoken message to Juan. She's telling him that he can drink as much as he wants and she, through her actions, agrees to be responsible for his behavior. Juan can drink without cost.
Anyone can be an enabler. See if you can identify the enabling behaviors in the following examples. These behaviors come up a lot in our practice.
Alan is in his early twenties. His friends describe him as “the original party animal,” and he takes great pride in living up to the label. Most nights he stays out all night drinking and then sleeps until well past noon during the day. Needless to say, he has not had any success at holding a job and as a result still lives with his parents. Alan's parents are naturally distraught by his behavior but love him and do what they can to help. They do not nag him about his habits nor require him to pay rent or contribute to the household in any way. They believe that if they provide a safe, accepting environment for him, Alan will eventually grow up and come to his senses.
George is so worried about the possibility that his wife will crash her car coming home from a bar that he makes a point of always having her favorite liquor on hand so she will not stop for a drink on the way home from work. “After all,” he says, “she is going to drink anyway, so it's better she does it at home where she can't kill herself in a car wreck.”
Alicia was sixteen when she got her first DUI. Coming home from a Friday night football game at the high school, she was pulled over for driving too slowly, and she failed the field sobriety test. When the police notified her parents, they rushed down to the station, paid her bail, got her car out of impound, and took her home where she was tucked safely into bed. From there, they hired an expensive attorney who was able to have the charges dismissed. Feeling they had saved their daughter from significant trauma, Alicia's parents made her promise not to drink again but did not take away her car because she “needed” it to get to school.
Alan's parents, Alicia's parents, George, and Vanya all mean well, but all are guilty of fixing, or enabling. Through love and ignorance they are making it easier for their loved ones to drink with impunity. Juan never has to drag his aching body out of bed or face his boss with his excuses. Alicia has learned that she can even get away with breaking the law and Mommy and Daddy will make everything all right; there is no reason for her to change. Alan doesn't have to do anything. He pleases himself and everything else is taken care of by his parents. As long as they do not require any changes from him in exchange for their support, they are guaranteed no changes. George is also enabling his wife's drinking by making it easy for her to indulge. She doesn't need to think about when or where to drink, what the possible consequences are, or face the fact that her drinking is breaking her husband's heart. For all of these drinkers, there are no costs. They have as close to a free ride as anybody comes.
The hardest thing to do to someone you love is to let her experience the natural consequences of her behavior. But, if you really love the person, you must. Think about what fixing behaviors you do that might be enabling your drinker and think about what consequences it is time he experienced. Activity 16 will help you jot down your thoughts. As you can see from the example, Mark (from chapter 4) realized that much of what he did for Maria to motivate her to change actually had the opposite effect, making it easier for her to continue drinking. Complete the activity in your notebook.
Activity 16. Fixing Behaviors
How do you make it easier for your loved one to drink than it would be if he or she did not have you, or anyone like you, around?
Buy booze, clean up, make excuses when she can't keep appointments, tell her it's not her fault, give her rides when she loses her keys or license, let her lies slide because I'm too sad to question them, carry her to bed when she's too sloshed to walk
Old Habits Die Hard
As you move toward your goals and away from your fixing/ enabling pattern, you will vividly experience the truth of this heading: Old habits die hard… very hard. You and your drinker have been interacting the same way for so long that the two of you have really perfected the dance. You can push each other's buttons without so much as lifting a mental finger. Moreover, familiar is always more comfortable than new (at least in the emotional arena), so even change for the better is initially uncomfortable. Your drinker will react to the change, and you will find yourself resisting it as well—even though it's your own doing.
We have seen it time and again. Someone comes into treatment because life with the drinker has become unbearable and any kind of change seems like a blessing. Then, the relationship really does start to change and the very same person who arrived at the clinic in desperate search of relief from her present situation gets cold feet.
“I love him. He's such a good man. It's the liquor that's bad.”
“She's my child, I can't abandon her.”
“We've been together for seventeen years, I can't change the rules on him now.”
“What happens if I try to change and she leaves me?”
“He's my dad. I owe him.”
“If I don't cover up, what would people think about us?”
We've heard thousands of reasons to let things remain unchanged once people are faced with the natural discomfort of the unfamiliar. The truth, however, is that the feelings people have when they first decide to make a change (like when you first began this book) are the real feelings. Your frustration, anger, depression, and longing for change are still real. When you find yourself thinking, “Things aren't that bad,” chances are you are just reacting to the stress of change. It's tough, but if you recognize what you are doing and keep your eye on your goal, you can move forward. Nothing magically changes. Your drinker will not wake up tomorrow a new person, and you will not be able to help her by doing what you have been doing for years. It hasn't worked.
Habits That Don't Work
You and your drinker are unique, but some habits are so comm
on it is a safe bet you will recognize at least a few of the following as your own.
Fixing
You “fix” what your drinker breaks. Day after day you pick up the pieces. Your drinker wakes up too hungover to go to work, so you call her boss and “explain.” Or he comes home drunk, vomits all over the bathroom floor, and you clean up the mess. The phone rings at 2:00 A.M. and your drinker has (fortunately) forgotten where she left the car and needs you to come pick her up—so you do.
From where you are sitting, it may seem like fixing is the humane or sensible thing to do. After all, no one would let someone they love sleep in vomit or on a street corner. We agree. If you consider the short-term consequences, it would be inhumane to do that. However, think about the long-term consequences. Each time you fix the situation, your drinker has one more powerful learning experience. What does he learn? The drinker learns that no matter how irresponsibly he behaves, there are no consequences! You will take care of everything. Sure, he may have to listen to you complain the next day… but what's a little nagging when you get what you want without having to pay for it?
Instead of Fixing
If you want your drinker to change her lifestyle, you absolutely have to let her be responsible for it. If she comes home plastered and deposits dinner and cocktails all over her dress, let her sleep in it. There will be a more constructive lesson learned in the morning when she awakens to the stink of last night than if you clean it all up and tuck her in for sweet dreams. Similarly, anyone old enough to earn a hangover on a weeknight is old enough to call the boss himself the next morning. If your drinker becomes belligerent and tells off her parents, let her be the one to apologize and make things right again. Stop providing a free ride. It's not easy (you also have to face the stink of last night), but in the long run it will pay off.
Get Your Loved One Sober Page 11