Get Your Loved One Sober

by Robert J. Meyers; Brenda L. Wolfe

  Lapses

  Everybody makes mistakes. Whether you are learning to walk, trying to lose weight, changing the way you communicate, or trying to stop abusing alcohol, you will mess up. It is a perfectly natural part of being alive.

  When someone is trying to change her behavior and messes up, we call the mistake a “lapse.” Lapses are an expected part of the change process. Lapses can certainly be upsetting, such as when you find your loved one drunk after three weeks of abstinence or you find yourself slipping back into an old confrontational style of speaking. However, whether the lapse is an opportunity or a catastrophe is entirely dependent upon how you look at it.

  Every time you and your loved one make plans and those plans go awry, you each have the opportunity to learn a little something more about yourselves. Behavior does not occur in a vacuum, so if you did not follow your planned behaviors, you know for certain that something triggered you to sidetrack. Take the time to review the situation in which the lapse occurred and find those triggers. For instance, you had planned a family dinner at your favorite Chinese restaurant, and your son shows up higher than a kite after five weeks of abstinence. Although this feels like a relapse with a capital R, you and he can analyze what preceded today's lapse and identify, for instance, girlfriend problems over the past few days with the accompanying depression that lead him to think about how unfair his life is and how he really “needs” to feel better. Perhaps his best friend was out of town, and he didn't have anyone to talk to. You and he may decide that in similar situations in the future, he could call you, his AA sponsor, or his favorite uncle. Whatever the coping strategy you devise, the important thing is that the drinking episode is seen, not as a failure, but as a natural part of the process of learning how to better manage himself. Maintain your focus on the five weeks of sobriety already achieved and the good changes that have resulted. Do not let one day of drinking cast a dark shadow on this wonderful change the two of you have already initiated.

  You already know everything you need to turn lapses into learning opportunities. You know how to track your behavior, you know how to map interactions, and you know the importance of planning ahead and rehearsing. All that remains for you to learn, if you have not already, is to control your emotional reaction to a lapse long enough for you to apply your analytical skills.

  High-Risk Situations

  You can make it easier to avoid an emotional overreaction to a lapse by anticipating and preparing for it. Obviously, you cannot know in advance every situation that will trigger you or your loved one to slip back into old habits, but you can probably predict more of those situations than you might first think. Think about the changes you have made in the way you respond to your loved one getting drunk, and reflect on the situations in which it has been particularly difficult for you to stay with your new pattern. These are your high-risk situations for maintaining this new behavior. Activity 23 will help you anticipate your high-risk situations. Carlene found that it was actually pretty easy to predict what types of situations would rattle her the most. Take a look at her following responses and then write your own answers in your notebook.

  Activity 23. Identify High-Risk Situations

  In what mood or moods are you most likely to lapse? When I'm depressed and feeling sorry for myself. Pretty much any negative emotional state.

  At what time of day are you least confident of maintaining your new behavior pattern? End of the day, after work.

  What places make it particularly difficult for you? Can't think of any.

  Are there any people whose presence makes it tough to stay with your new pattern? When the kids are running around while I'm trying to talk to Peter.

  Are there any days of the week or weekend that are particularly difficult? Can't think of any.

  What situations are most likely to make you lose control? Definitely when he comes home drunk, obviously having driven in that condition.

  What moods of your loved one make it especially hard for you to stay in control? When he's drunk.

  What statements or tones of voice of your loved one push your buttons? That drunken, snarling voice.

  What behaviors of your loved one set you off? Drinking and driving.

  Are there times you feel physically unwell that make it tough to stay the course (for example, when you have a headache, are sick, or, if you are female, when you are premenstrual)? Nothing consistent.

  There are as many potential high-risk situations as there are individuals. Moreover, having identified the situations that are high-risk for you today does not mean new ones will not arise next week. (Happily, old ones will eventually lose their power too.) To really stay on top of things, you must continually ask yourself, “What sets me up to lapse?” “Who is most likely to trigger a lapse?” “Where am I most likely to be vulnerable to losing control?” and “What thoughts and feelings trigger problems?” Keep in mind that your drinker may not be the person who sets you up to lapse. If you are worn-out from working or frazzled by the kids or relatives, you may be too tired or stressed to deal effectively with your drinker. Anticipate these types of high-risk situations too. They are part of your life so be sure not to overlook them.

  You can see that by carefully thinking through all the moods, times, behaviors, and so on that might trigger a lapse, you can identify a number of high-risk situations. Now you can prepare for them. Do so by using the same mapping strategy you used to analyze your drinker's behavior (from chapter 2).

  Carlene decided that the most powerful lapse trigger for her was when Peter would drive home drunk, so she mapped out that high-risk situation first and in considerable detail. It looked something like this.

  Peter is late getting home, so I know he'll show up drunk. I mentally review my new-and-improved plans for handling this situation. He finally shows up and I start to say the PIUS speech I had planned, but he snarls at me and throws his car keys on the counter as he stomps into the bedroom. I feel uncontrollable anger and even hatred well up in me. I think about how ungrateful he is and how little he cares about me and the children to not only get plastered like that but to drive our car in that condition. He could wreck the car (where would that leave us?!) and kill himself or land in jail. I explode and tell him just what a jerk he is.

  Even though I know I'm right and he's wrong and he deserves to feel as bad as, or worse than, I feel, I also know that making that point has never helped things in the past and probably won't help now. So I need an action plan to manage this situation. I'll examine each step of this lapse map and plan a new route for as many steps as I can. The more detours I build in to it, the more easily I can still get off this rocky road even if I miss the first turnoff or two. (Carlene's detours are printed in bold.)

  Peter is late getting home, so I know he'll show up drunk. I mentally review my new-and-improved plans for handling this situation and make a list of the positive changes I am working toward and compare the satisfaction I will have from telling him off to that I will have from seeing him change. He finally shows up and I start to say the PIUS speech I had planned, but he snarls at me and throws his car keys on the counter as he stomps into the bedroom. I feel uncontrollable anger and even hatred well up in me, so I take a deep breath and go into the bathroom where I lock the door and take a few moments to remind myself of what I am trying to accomplish and that a blowup will only ensure we repeat this scene again and again. I think about how ungrateful he is and how little he cares about me and the children to not only get plastered like that but to drive our car in that condition. He could wreck the car (where would that leave us?!) and kill himself or land in jail. I remind myself that alcohol changes a person's brain, and even though he is responsible for his drinking, the behavior that follows drinking is the result of the liquor. He doesn't intentionally try to make our life miserable. I also remind myself of my ultimate goal—getting him sober—not proving my point tonight. Instead of “I explode and tell him just what a jerk he is,” I leave the bathroom and say to
him, “I know how difficult it is for you to control your drinking, and you know how much it scares me when you drink and drive. Right now it's probably best if we both just got a good night's sleep. In the morning, though, I really want to talk about this stuff. I love you. Good night.”

  Once Carlene completed her new map, she took a few moments, two or three times each day, to imagine herself living the situation just as she described it. Not only did she mentally walk through each step, she really tried to feel the feelings she described. She imagined Peter giving her his meanest snarl and stomping past her. She experienced the rising tide of anger and hatred and then actively pictured herself taking a deep breath instead of exploding, going into the bathroom to calm down and think, and so on. This may sound like an awful lot of work for the benefit of a drunken jerk but remember, this is the man she loves, and Carlene believes they can still have a good life together if they just lick this drinking problem. So the effort is worthwhile; it may just be that having Carlene react calmly with love to Peter's best drunken snarl is the straw that tips the scales for him and leaves him feeling guilty and willing to talk about treatment in the morning. Out of the worst situations sometimes come the greatest opportunities.

  Surprise Attacks

  As prepared as you will be for the high-risk situations you anticipate, some events will still catch you by surprise. That's okay. You cannot predict every trigger, but you can use the unexpected to add to your arsenal. As soon as the dust settles, grab your notebook and describe the whole situation from beginning to end as if you were a detective looking for every tiny clue to solve an important mystery. Write down everything that happened including the players, the setting, what everybody said and did, how you felt, what you said to yourself, the mood of your loved one—everything. Then order it into the sequence in which it occurred and look for spots in the sequence that you could have handled differently and describe how. This becomes your new plan for the situation. Thus, even the worst, most upsetting situations can be a surprise only once. Next time it happens, you will be prepared.

  Drinker Lapses

  The same approach that you apply to your lapses is appropriate for your loved one to use when she lapses from treatment plans. Our hope is that whatever treatment the two of you opt for, it includes a rational, problem-solving approach to lapses. Unless your loved one is superhuman, you can bet on the fact that lapses will happen. He may remain abstinent for a while and then get drunk or take Antabuse (a medication that causes the individual to become ill if taken with alcohol) faithfully for a while and then stop. Lapses may come in the form of skipping therapy sessions or allowing her temper to erupt violently; you can predict the most likely scenarios better than anyone.

  You can help your drinker not let lapses turn into full-blown drinking episodes (relapses) by keeping the same opportunistic outlook about his lapses as you do about your own. Difficult as it will be, you can help your loved one rationally examine each lapse and find the triggers that require better handling. On your own, you can certainly analyze her lapses looking for what you might have done to prevent or minimize them. Although you are not the cause of the problem, always remember you have the power to be part of the solution.

  If the two of you are working with a good cognitive-behavioral therapist, you and your loved one will have lots of support to help you deal profitably with lapses. Everyone knows the road to sobriety is not a smooth one, and learning how to maneuver around the potholes is a critical piece of therapy. If your drinker has opted not to enter treatment but tries to beat the problem with just your help, you will need to be especially strong to keep a positive spin on things. It will be especially important for you to have a good support system. So if you have not already set one up, get busy.

  Handling Dropouts

  People drop out of treatment. Drinkers, in particular, drop out of treatment. Help your loved one enter treatment with the expectation that he will remain long enough to “graduate,” but do not be caught unprepared if your loved one quits. Also, do not be devastated. Dropping out does not mean the trip is over. It means you have dropped back a few exits on the freeway, but you are most definitely still on the road.

  All the changes you have made to date are still there. You have improved the quality of your life by expanding your social circle, built rewards into your interactions, and relieved yourself of the harmful habits of covering up and fixing. You have even achieved the ultimate success of getting the drinker to admit treatment makes sense. Having done so once, you can do so again. Everything you did this time will work again (with modifications based on experience). There is no question about that. The only question that remains is whether you want to continue. Think carefully about this one before you decide. Sometimes your gut tells you to quit because you are so tired and discouraged, but you are not really ready to give up on your loved one. And other times, it really is time to quit.

  Staying Motivated

  Motivation fluctuates. One set of events comes together to motivate you to make changes—you feel you can climb any mountain—and then another set of events makes you feel that even one more step is too much. Sometimes motivation just seeps away because of hard work and little results.

  The changes you have already made are just the beginning of a long, ongoing process. At times it will be exciting and exhilarating, and at other times it will be discouraging. It can be especially difficult to stay motivated when you feel like you are the one doing all the work and your drinker is not helping at all. When you start thinking like that, it is easy to run out of steam. However, there are things you can do to help yourself stay motivated.

  Keep One Eye on the Goal

  When those adventurous people who climb high, snow-capped mountains are slogging through the ice and cold, they keep themselves motivated and alive by keeping one eye on that lofty peak and the other on the details of staying alive and moving forward. You know what you are hoping to accomplish with all this work, and you have already decided that it is worth the work. Remind yourself daily (hourly if need be) of where you are trying to go. Review the notes you made in earlier activities and spend a little time dreaming. Keep your eye on your goal and it will make the effort to get there feel a little less intense.

  Keep One Eye on the Details

  It may be a long time before your life resembles your goal in a big way. However, each day that you make little changes, you do move closer to that dream. Continue to track all your plans, attempts, and outcomes, and reward yourself for every effort. Those are the details that create success. Count them!

  Figure Your Investment

  When you are fed up and feel like giving up, take a minute to review how much you have already put into this relationship. The time, the energy, the love you have invested can eventually yield a good outcome. But it does take time and, typically, ongoing investments. If you pull out prematurely, you not only lose the possibility of ever realizing your goals, but you also lose the investment you have already made. As long as your goal has great value for you, the investment will not be too great.

  Get By with a Little Help from Your Friends

  Don't forget that you have people who can help. Those folks who you have taken into your confidence can offer a tremendous amount of support. From role-playing with you, to giving you pep talks, to merely sharing a quiet cup of coffee, they can provide the soothing and nurturing needed to ease your discouragement and let your motivation peak again. Do not sabotage yourself by assuming that no one will want to help. Most people get pleasure out of being able to help others, so think of your request for help as something nice you are doing for a friend. You are giving your friend the opportunity to do something that makes her feel good.

  Rely on Your Community

  If you need more support than your social circle can provide, check out community support groups for people in your situation. Almost every community in the country has Twelve Step group meetings you can attend to share your burden with others who carry
a similar weight. Calling local religious organizations, the YMCA, the local veterans center, or community clinics will also often turn up groups that interest you and can help you through this period. As we have repeatedly pointed out, you are not alone. Alcohol abuse is almost a national pastime, so there are many others in the same situation as you—loving a drinker and wanting more out of life. Those people can be a tremendous source of understanding, support, and motivation.

  When to Quit

  Everyone who learns the Alternatives wins. You either win by seeing your loved one break free of alcohol, or you win by satisfying yourself that you have done everything possible and have the right to live the life you choose. The big question, of course, becomes—when do you decide you have done everything you possibly can? To help you decide, ask yourself the following questions:

  Have I as consistently as I could mapped out problem situations and planned more effective, non-confrontational behaviors for myself?

  Have I practiced a PIUS communication style?

  Have I kept track of how my plans went and adjusted them based on those experiences?

  Have I stopped acting as my loved one's caretaker and allowed him to experience the real consequences of drinking?

  Have I rewarded my loved one for nondrinking behavior and made it as enjoyable as possible to be sober with me and/or the family?