by Neil LaBute
GIRL Ummm … should we maybe, you know?
MAN What?
GIRL You-know.
MAN No. I’m …?
GIRL You are a funny one … (Beat.) Business?
MAN Ahhh, God, sorry, yes! Of course. We need to take care of … sure. That’s …
GIRL Yeah.
MAN Forgive me. There we go, all set. (Beat.) I did the cash how you like it, with the twenties in one bunch and then the tens and fives in their own … little … just how you showed me. The way you like it.
He points to an envelope on the end table. The GIRL looks at it, then reaches over and gathers it up. Checks inside it. Tosses it into her bag.
GIRL Cool. Thanks.
MAN Not a problem.
GIRL ’ppreciate it.
MAN Absolutely.
GIRL So?
MAN Yes. So. (Beat.) Would you like a drink or anything? Maybe some …?
GIRL Water’d be good. I’d take a water if you got it.
MAN Sure. Of course I’ve got water …
GIRL Great.
MAN … I mean, I’ve definitely got that.
The GIRL nods and so does the MAN. She continues to wait.
GIRL … then … how about getting me some?
He jumps up and practically runs over to the fridge. He slips on the puddle that’s still there and drops to the floor, disappearing for a moment.
GIRL Hey! You alright?!
MAN I’m ok, absolutely … just caught a slick spot here. Hold on …
The MAN gets to his feet, straightens himself out. Smiles as he tries to regain some dignity. Opens the door to the fridge.
GIRL Took quite a spill there …
MAN Right! (Laughs.) You must get that all the time …
GIRL What?
MAN Spills? (Beat.) Remember, from a little bit ago? You said the … the …
GIRL I was joking.
MAN Sure, but … I mean, so am I. It’s a joke.
GIRL Well, jokes should be amusing …
MAN Sorry, I was … trying … to be …
GIRL Can I have that water?
MAN Of course. Yes. (Looks in fridge.) Ahhh, do you like …? I have Dasani or Fiji. You can have either.
GIRL Doesn’t matter. They both have weird names, so it doesn’t matter.
MAN Oh. Well … actually, there’s a pretty big difference.
GIRL Yeah?
MAN Uh-huh. One is just, you know, water. It was all purified and everything, but … Fiji’s much better. Spring water, from the source and all that. Delicious.
GIRL It’s water.
MAN Right, I know, but … it comes out of an aquifer that’s deep in the side of the … doesn’t matter. It’s just better.
GIRL How can it be delicious?
MAN I dunno. It really is, though.
GIRL Water doesn’t have any taste.
MAN I know that, I know, but … it’s still …
GIRL Doesn’t something have to have a taste for it to be delicious? I mean, I’m not like a chef or anything, but …
MAN No, right, I know what you’re saying but you really can tell … it’s amazing how different two things can be, two like things and yet so different … (Beat.) Or you can have tap. It’s up to you.
GIRL Well … which one do you usually give me? I mean, when you don’t ask and just put a glass down in front of me … which one is that?
MAN Fiji. Unless I don’t have it, but mostly that when I do. Usually it’s the Fiji.
GIRL Ummmm … fine. I’ll take Fiji then.
MAN Great! I think you’ll really like it …
GIRL Thanks. (Checks her phone.) Do you mind?
MAN Ahhhhh, I’d prefer you didn’t …
GIRL But I can, right? Please?
MAN … sure. But just … okay … even though I’d rather that you didn’t. It’s kind of rude … when you’re visiting … someone …
The GIRL isn’t listening. She is texting. MAN grabs a bottle of Fiji out of the fridge and grabs a small plate from the rack.
MAN Here you go. (Points.) You can use this for a coaster … it’s a plate, but …
GIRL I know. I can see that.
He hurries back over to the couch. Puts a small plate down in front of her. Stands.
GIRL Are you gonna sit?
MAN Oh, sure.
GIRL I like it better when you sit. It makes me nervous when you don’t …
MAN I’m sorry. Of course, I’m happy to.
The MAN sits down, watching the GIRL finish reading and then sending yet another text. She finishes and puts her phone down. Smiles over at him.
GIRL … you always say that. With the plate thingie. Why do you do that?
MAN Because I’m … just so you’ll know.
GIRL Do you think I’m retarded or something? I can remember things … things like that, anyway. To use the plate for a coaster. I mean, seriously. Duh.
MAN No, I know you can … I mean, why do you ask if you can text when you’re here? As many times as you’ve been here, you still always ask me permission …
The GIRL looks over at him. Shrugs.
GIRL Because I’m polite, I guess. Whatever. Doesn’t matter.
MAN Yes, but it’s interesting … you know I don’t want you to, I always ask you not to … but you still do it.
GIRL So?
MAN So … I’m just saying, if we’re gonna ask questions … we could probably start with that one!
GIRL Right … (Smiles.) And is that what you wanna do with our time? Ask questions?
MAN … no.
GIRL ’Kay. Good.
The GIRL takes a sip from the water. Then another.
GIRL Mmmmmm. That is tasty … mmmmmmmm!
MAN See? Told you.
GIRL I’m kidding.
MAN Oh. Another joke, huh?
GIRL Yeah. One of the amusing kind …
MAN Right.
GIRL I can’t really tell the difference with the water. Sorry.
MAN You can’t?
GIRL Uh-uh.
MAN It’s the best around—I’ve heard lots of people say that about Fiji. (Beat.) Lots.
The GIRL opens her eyes wide and shakes her hands in the air as if to say: “Wow, that’s amazing!”
GIRL Then maybe you should have them over for a party or something. A water party and you can all talk about it. You can meet up at the aquifer with your little aqua friends and just … like … compare the different brands and shit. Sounds fun!
MAN … that’s another joke, isn’t it? You’re just … you’re making fun of me now.
GIRL Yeah. Kind of.
MAN Okay. Well, I just wanted you to have the best one. That’s all.
GIRL Fine. (Softening.) Thank you …
MAN It’s alright.
GIRL No, that’s sweet, I guess. Thanks.
MAN Not a problem.
GIRL … why do you even have the other kind?
MAN Sorry?
GIRL Of water. The kind that you don’t really recommend? If this type is so good, why do you keep the other one around?
MAN … ummmmmmm … just for …
GIRL I’m curious.
MAN It’s … for, you know. (Beat.) Guests.
GIRL Oh. Nice.
MAN No, I don’t mean for, like, you … but if somebody happens to stop over, or if one of the lawn guys—the people that cut my grass and stuff—if one of them wanted a drink … I’d probably give ’em that brand.
GIRL Is it cheaper?
MAN No, it’s … well, yeah. It usually is.
GIRL And is that why?
MAN Why, what?
GIRL Why you’d give it to them.
MAN … I … suppose …
GIRL Because you don’t wanna waste it. The other kind, the Fiji one.
MAN No, I don’t think that’s why …
GIRL Then what?
MAN
Just in case, I guess! I keep it on hand for just in case I run out of the other—but sometimes I’ll give it out to people who’re … you know … others … who …
GIRL … who might not deserve the good stuff. Right?
MAN … yes. That’s probably true.
GIRL Huh. (Beat.) That’s kinda fucked up, don’t you think?
The MAN nods but doesn’t answer her. He glances at his watch, then back at the GIRL. She smiles.
GIRL Oh, I’m sorry … am I cutting into your hour?
MAN No, no, I just lost track of … the …
GIRL … uh-huh. Sure.
MAN I really did! I have this … appointment later today, so … I was … checking …
GIRL Yeah, me too. I’ve got one right after I’m done here.
MAN What?
GIRL An “appointment.” Duh. A rendezvous.
MAN Oh. Ohhhhhhh, right. Got it.
GIRL Fine. (Beat.) So?
MAN That’s … you always say that. “So?” It really unnerves me, I gotta tell you. It does. Hearing that all the time.
GIRL What?
MAN When you say that. “So.”
GIRL I’m sorry! It’s a habit, I guess …
MAN Really?
GIRL Uh-huh.
MAN Why’s that? I mean, how’d it become a habit, do you think? Just … from you … from saying it so often? Or …?
GIRL God, you ask a lot of questions …
MAN Sorry. Is that a problem?
GIRL There’s another one …
MAN I just … what’s so bad about questions?
GIRL Nothing. Unless you always ask them? And then your voice always does that thing? Where it raises up at the end? And then it’s just really, really annoying?
The GIRL smiles at him innocently, then takes a drink.
GIRL Ummmmmm, that’s delicious! What is this?
MAN Funny. That’s very cute …
GIRL That’s my specialty. Cute. The cute girl-next-door. (Beat.) And golden showers, but that’s another story … (Does a rim shot.) Ba-da-bah!
MAN Right, right. O-kay.
GIRL Don’t you think that’s true … don’t you find me at all cute? Hmmmm?
MAN Of course I do … you know I do.
GIRL I’m glad. That makes me happy. Honestly.
MAN Good. (Beat.) … Is the music alright?
GIRL Yeah, it’s fine.
MAN Sure?
GIRL Very nice. I’m glad you took my advice.
MAN It’s a good album. Crazy name, but it’s nice stuff. “Goldfrapp.” (Beat.) Thanks …
GIRL Any time. As long as you pay for a full session, of course …
MAN … (Beat.) You know what? You make a lot of those … ummmmmm …
GIRL What?
MAN Nothing. It’s no big deal.
GIRL No, what?
MAN You know, “hooker” jokes … does that help or whatever? If … you … do that?
GIRL Help what?
MAN I dunno. Help make you—doesn’t matter.
GIRL Go on, say it … (Beat.) And nobody uses the word “hooker” any more, by the way! No one. Old dudes, college kids, not any body. Just so you know …
MAN Fine. I was just … trying to … be …
GIRL Look, I tell jokes—I mean, they’re not even jokes! I just say shit, goofy shit sometimes—and I do it because I’m funny … not to ease my pain or any ridiculous crap like that. Ok? I mean, God …
MAN I didn’t mean anything by it. I only …
GIRL This really isn’t gonna work if it always turns into some kind of stupid … therapy deal … every time we see each other!
MAN I wasn’t doing that! Honestly.
GIRL Well, that’s what it seems like—like you feel guilty about something, or, like … want me to feel guilty or, or … whatever.
MAN Sorry. (Beat.) No.
GIRL I know you keep looking for that “heart of gold” shit but I’m here because you pay me, alright? Over-pay me, actually, and that is the reason I come back here, even give you the time of day! Now, can you handle that or do we have a problem?
MAN … no, no, I … understand.
GIRL You do?
MAN Yes. Not, like, in the greater scheme of things but … yes. I get it. I get that. I get the “quit asking your stupid shit” part of all this, so … uh-huh. I do.
GIRL Good. (Laughs.) See, now that was funny! Nice one …
The GIRL waits a minute, then scoots closer to the MAN.
GIRL So?
MAN See? You did it again.
GIRL Well, what would you say? If you were me, I mean? Seriously, what?
MAN … I dunno.
GIRL No, go ahead … tell me.
MAN I’d … I’m really not sure. I can’t do that sort of thing.
GIRL Do what?
MAN Imagine what it’d be like to be you. (Beat.) To do what you do … not just because of the job, but … you know. Due to … our … thingie. Situation.
GIRL I see.
MAN I don’t mean anything by that, I really, really don’t … I just can’t. It’s like a lot of things—you can’t know what it’s like to do something until you do it …
GIRL Well, I suppose that’s true. Like riding a bike. Or scuba diving …
MAN … yeah. Like that. Except … I mean …
GIRL What?
MAN You know.
GIRL No, what?
MAN Except that … you … just forget it.
GIRL Except in scuba diving you wouldn’t suck on anybody’s cock, is that what you mean?
MAN … I wasn’t going to say that.
GIRL No, but that’s what you meant, isn’t it? It’s what you were thinking?
MAN Sort of. Yes.
GIRL Well, that’s true … I mean, unless it was connected to an air tank. A cock, I mean. Or had, like, some oxygen trapped inside of it … then you would. Right? I mean … some person in general would. (Beat.) Not you, though. Even then you wouldn’t. You in particular, I mean.
MAN … no. I don’t think so.
GIRL I mean, I would and that’s why I’d live—in a situation like that, where if a cock made the difference between me living and dying … I’d get myself busy down there—but obviously you would not. You’d rather drown than do that, wouldn’t you? To suck on some other guy’s cock, even if by the act of sucking you’d be spared. Hmmmm?
MAN … I guess so …
GIRL Or even your own cock, for that matter. If you could—anatomically, I’m saying—if you could do that you wouldn’t, would you? Not even to save yourself. (Beat.) I don’t think you’d touch that thing with a ten-foot pole, even if that was the only difference between you living and dying. Isn’t that true?
MAN … I dunno … I’d probably … just …
GIRL No, I do. I do know. I know exactly what you think you’d do—or not do—in that situation. You-would-die. Am I right?
MAN Probably! I mean, if you put it that way, then yes. I would die. (Beat.) I’m not even very comfortable with that word, so … you know … I wouldn’t …
GIRL Right … but you don’t mind it when I use it, do you? Talk dirty like that, I mean. You don’t hate it when I say “cock” or, like, “cum” or whatever … do you? I mean, I don’t recall you ever stopping me. So.
MAN … no. It’s … I don’t love it, but, you know. I’m okay with it. (Beat.) Not in a sexual way—at all—but you’re an adult.
GIRL I’ll bet. (Beat.) And that’s bullshit, by the way. You and the cock thing, because if you were dying, or about to, and that was the difference between being alive or not, I bet you’d suck your little brains out. You absolutely would. (Makes noises.)
MAN No, I wouldn’t. Uh-uh. No.
GIRL Oh yeah, sure … liar.
MAN I really wouldn’t! I promise you … I’m not able to—even if it did save me, as you say—I can’t even imagine doing that! I real
ly really can’t.
GIRL Huh. Well … that just makes you fucking stupid, then. And an idiot.
MAN Maybe so—at least that’s what you think—but I know myself. I could never do that. Put someone’s thing in my mouth. Another man’s penis? No, not ever. (Beat.) NO.
GIRL … hmm. Aren’t we picky?
They sit in silence for a moment, not moving. They both check their watches. Looking around the room.
GIRL What other way is there to put it, by the way? The “scuba” analogy?
MAN Sorry?
GIRL You said “if you put it that way,” but I can’t think of any other way to put it. There’s only one way to put a thing like that … isn’t there? And that’s in your mouth. (Grins.) I’m joking.
MAN I know … (Beat.) I do sometimes get ’em! Your jokes.
GIRL Well, that’s good. (Checks phone.) So?
MAN What? I’m lost … I don’t know what you’re asking me here. I’m … just …
GIRL … not asking, saying. Saying that all that shit you just said was basically another way to tell me that you can’t understand what I’m doing with my life. Right? To get us onto a subject that you know pisses me off but you just can’t seem to stop yourself from talking about it … from harping on it …
MAN Ummm, I think you started this, actually.
GIRL … no … you’re the one who …
MAN Yes … with the scuba thing and all, yeah. You did.
GIRL No, uh-uh, you got on the whole topic of “I can’t imagine what it’d be like to be you” shit! You said that!!
MAN I know, but … that was because you …
GIRL … you started it!
MAN No, I was just … trying to …
GIRL You did, you totally did!
MAN Fine. I’m sorry! It’s my fault. Okay?
GIRL Doesn’t matter.
MAN I didn’t mean to make you … sorry.
GIRL It-doesn’t-matter. (Beat.) So?
MAN Yeah, “so.” We should just … yes.
GIRL Uh-huh. If we’re gonna do something. (Beat.) You wanna see my pussy?
MAN I’m … do you have to talk that way?
GIRL What? Just for a second. Nobody’d know.
MAN I just wish you’d—please don’t say that. Can we just keep doing this? Is that ok?
GIRL If you wanna.
MAN I do. I like this.
GIRL Then go for it. Same as usual. (Checking her watch.) You got, about, forty minutes left.
MAN Great. That’s … good. I’m glad.
GIRL Yep.
The MAN sits back, takes a moment. The GIRL leans over and checks her phone again. Sends another text as she takes one more sip of her water. She looks around.