by Neil LaBute
PARENT Yes, I am … if you wanna put it that way, then yes, I’m saying no. Absolutely not. I’m finally drawing the line. Right here.
CHILD You’re refusing to help me … is that it?
PARENT No, that’s not … no. I “help” you all the time, your whole life I’ve helped you …
CHILD That’s not what I mean.
PARENT I know you don’t. You never do, you don’t state the facts when you’re screaming at me, telling me what an asshole I am …
CHILD I don’t do that.
PARENT No? Really?
CHILD I mean, yes, we’ve … we fight sometimes, argue about things—politics or, or, or, other stuff, religion—but I don’t just go around calling you names. No, I don’t.
PARENT You’ve never called me an “asshole?” Not to my face? In public?
CHILD I mean …
PARENT Because I feel like I can recall a time or two … an instance or three when you’ve done that. That very word.
CHILD But, that’s … not …
PARENT Belittled me. Humiliated me. In front of your friends or your fellow … rioters. Occupiers.
CHILD One time! If you’re talking about when I was down there in the park and … you … you tried to get me to come … home …
PARENT … when I brought you food … carried this overflowing box of sandwiches and drinks down to you … that’s what I did.
CHILD Mom made you do that! Mom did!
PARENT Yes, maybe so, but I carried it! I did it for you … brought them to you and all the other … whatevers … they are! I did that!
CHILD Ok, fine … thank you …
PARENT I don’t want that, I’m not asking for any thanks for school or your rent or the airline ticket to Iceland so you could be on the news … be seen ’round the world tossing a firebomb at that hotel … I do not need your thanks for that. No. (Beat.) All I’m saying is I can’t help you this time. Not any longer … everybody has a tipping point and I’ve hit mine. This is it.
CHILD But people … Dad, people still need help! Our help. To be heard … to have a chance. (Beat.) Look, I’m not asking you to sign on here or to even understand completely. All I want is for you to just respect my decision to do this … to give of myself and to … you know … give.
PARENT Give what? You never speak in specifics!
CHILD That’s not true. You don’t listen!
PARENT Ok, fine … this is me doing just that. I am shutting up and listening, so tell me. Go ahead. What-do-you-stand-for?
CHILD We’re not … it isn’t just one thing! It’s lots of things. The homeless and, and … what the banks have done … look at what students are doing right now! Going back to grad school, deeper into debt because there aren’t any jobs out there, nothing! (Beat.) And I believe in these people, in helping give voice to all of them and in any way that I can. That is what I wanna do … that’s what I wanna be a part of.
PARENT Then fine, go. Do it. Use the last bit of your savings and go to New York and shit in the park for days upon days so that I and everybody who does work for a living can be scolded by you and your kind … so we comprehend that we’ve all done a very bad thing here. I am not stopping you …
CHILD I know you’re not, that’s not what I’m … (Beat.) I don’t have enough in my account. I need some money. Please.
PARENT You need me to—wait, lemme just get this straight, so I understand the—you’d like me to pay for your trip? Buy you another seat on a … plane or a train or a bus so you can go sleep in a tent and show the world what a shitty job it’s done taking care of all the other people who live in tents … not just you college kids who do it for a couple weeks because you care so much … because you love this planet and all its peoples so so much … but the ones who actually don’t even have tents, who live in boxes or crates because that’s all they’ve got? You want me to help you with that? Find some way to get you there safely with a little cash in your pocket … is that what you’re saying? (Beat.) Please, enlighten me.
CHILD Look, it could be a loan, or … you know from my trust. (Beat.) I won’t ask again!
PARENT Oh, I know you won’t.
CHILD What are you saying?
PARENT I am saying you won’t ever ask me this again because I can’t hear you any more.
CHILD … what’re you … what does that mean?
PARENT It means I am looking forward … I have seen the future and it’s not you. I had such hopes and dreams for you but it is not you or anyone like you. (Beat.) Folks like you mean well but in the end, they don’t do shit. Nothing. They sit on the grass and smoke a little pot and I don’t wanna be a part of that. Buy into that.
CHILD You don’t have to buy into anything! It is happening right now … the world’s … things are changing right in front of us and I want to be there, to help out when and where I can! I am a part of something that is bigger than just you and me—it’s about jobs and corporate responsibility!! I’m not the problem, I’m the solution! I am the future!! Me, and people like me!!
PARENT Sorry, but if you’re the future then I’m gonna put a gun to my head after dinner and blow my fucking brains out …
CHILD I wish you would! I really do!
PARENT I know you do! I KNOW THAT YOU DO! So you can get your inheritance … so you’ll have the cash to keep running around and doing stupid shit like you’re about to go off and do right now! That’s what you always do, you run off and do any shit you want, instead of sticking with something the way I did … (Waits.) I stayed at a job I didn’t like all these years, with a woman I didn’t love all these years, in a neighborhood I couldn’t afford all these years! For you. For the hope that was you.
CHILD … what am I supposed to say to that?
PARENT Nothing. It’s just the truth. Not a lot you can say about the truth: it just is.
CHILD Listen … I wasn’t even supposed to come home this weekend! I came home for your birthday, that was me doing something for you and now you’re … you won’t even give me a ride back into town … or, or …
The MAN wheels around, getting up into his CHILD’s face.
PARENT Walk.
CHILD What?
PARENT Walk back … if you wanna be there so bad that you can’t even wait for your friends to pick you up … then walk.
CHILD To New York? Walk from Boston down to New York City?!
PARENT I mean, if it means that much to you …
CHILD That’s just ridiculous. I mean … come on!
PARENT Why?
CHILD Because it would take days, that’s why!! Because it’s far!!
PARENT As far as the Pacific?
CHILD I’m … I don’t even know what you’re …
PARENT Is it as far as the Pacific Ocean?
The CHILD stops, thinking for a moment before speaking—finally gives in with a defiant shrug and a sigh.
CHILD No, it’s not as far as that. Satisfied?
PARENT I just mean … in the beginning, the first people who wanted to see an ocean or the Arctic … Africa, even … those first men and women would walk for miles and miles and miles. Hundreds or thousands of miles to explore them. Those sights.
CHILD That’s—they had horses, too! And wagons! Ever heard of “wagon trains?”
PARENT Some of them did. Yes. But not all. Many of the pioneers or settlers in this land or other countries, too … if they wanted a thing badly enough then they built it or walked to it or dug it up out of the ground with their own bare hands. That’s what people do when they really believe in something or desire it badly enough. They go out and get it. (Beat.) There’s the front door … New York is due South. Go for it.
CHILD You’re crazy!
PARENT You’re lazy!
CHILD No, I’m not! I’m not!!
PARENT So prove it … get going. I’d take your jacket with you. Gonna be cold tonight.
CHILD I’m not walking to New York!<
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PARENT Then you should go up to your nice room and crawl into your soft bed and forget about the whole thing … the choice is yours. The clock is ticking. The time is now.
The CHILD stomps one foot a few times—now tired of being nice.
CHILD You’re … God, you’re such an asshole!!
PARENT I knew we’d get back around to that if I waited long enough …
CHILD I hate you! I hate you!! I hate you!!!
PARENT And that’s really what this is about, isn’t it?
CHILD What?
PARENT This “movement” of yours … it’s a bunch of kiddies who despise their mommies and daddies and so they’re taking it out on the whole goddamn planet!
CHILD I’m not doing this for me, ok?! This is important! This is our future!!
PARENT Says who?!
CHILD I DO! THE PEOPLE I ADMIRE DO!!
PARENT Then go paint a banner and start walking! Do something if you love ’em so much!!
CHILD I will!
PARENT No you won’t! You’re a child and you’re weak and the weak never win! Not ever!!
CHILD You’re wrong …
PARENT Keep watching. Stayed tuned, you little fucker.
CHILD If we fail someone else will rise up …
PARENT And they’ll be crushed back down, just like the ones who came before them …
CHILD We are revolutionaries!
PARENT You’re freeloaders and parasites—embrace it and I might even respect you.
CHILD I don’t want your respect!
PARENT Perfect, because you don’t have it!
CHILD I’ve never had it! You’ve never liked me! Never, never, NEVER!!
PARENT Ha! See? Told you so.
CHILD What?
PARENT That’s the real problem here. It’s not at all about Wall Street … it’s about “daddy didn’t hold me enough when I was a baby.”
CHILD Are you kidding me?! Do you really think it’s as simple as that?! Everything that we’re doing out there?!
PARENT Overall? Yeah, I think so.
CHILD Then you’re a fool. You’re an old fool whose time has come like all the other old fools before him … we have a mission and a message and I am a part of that. I want to be there to hear those words and to see great things happen. I wasn’t put on this earth to just keep … take, take, taking!! I wanna give back!! We have to give back at some point or it was all for nothing, this crappy little thing we call life was about nothing … this is my time. This is my calling. I believe that I am making a difference and if I have to burn down an embassy or, or get dragged off to jail a couple times to prove that point, to show the world that we can’t sit by and watch as the strong batter the weak into the dust, I will do that! I will do what I have to and yes … if you make me crawl back to New York on my hands and knees then I will, I will! To be a part of something great and true and pure … and you should support that, support me in that!!! Not because you agree with me but because you believe in me!! Believe that I believe in it!! (Going to her knees.) Please! I beg you! I am begging you here! Please!! (Beat.) Daddy?
The CHILD looks up to see how this has landed. The PARENT has still not reacted. The CHILD gets up, frustrated.
CHILD Ahhhhhhhh! If mom were here she’d help me ’cause she loves me! You hear that? LOVES ME!!
PARENT I love you! I love the fucking shit outta you!!
The PARENT finally relents. Reaches into his pocket and produces a set of keys. Some cash.
PARENT OH, ALRIGHT! God … I’m such a pushover! (Beat.) Take the Mercedes but do not park on the street. Do you hear me? DO NOT.
CHILD I won’t. I promise.
PARENT Here’s enough cash for a couple days but I expect you back on the weekend. (Beat.) Your mother has your cousins coming over and she wants you to be here, so do not let me down. Alright?
CHILD I’ll be back Friday night. I promise.
PARENT Alright, then. Go. Good luck. Don’t get arrested …
CHILD I’ll do my best … but the cops are … you know how they are! They provoke us!!
PARENT Just listen to me and don’t speak: DO NOT GET ARRESTED! I don’t wanna drive down to get you out of jail so just … do what you do, yell and burn the flag or whatever …
CHILD … I’ve never done that! That was not me! That was Tommy, my roommate! He did that!
PARENT Fine, fine, just … do your thing and try not to kill anybody …
CHILD I won’t, I promise! (Beat.) Thanks, Dad …
The CHILD hugs the PARENT. The PARENT finally hugs back.
PARENT Just go … I’m sure they need help digging a latrine or something … passing out free condoms!
CHILD Ok, I will.
PARENT Alright. Have fun.
CHILD I’ll try … (Smiling.) You know what, Dad? You’re not as bad as you think you are.
PARENT Yeah, yeah, yeah …
CHILD I mean, don’t get me wrong: you’re an asshole … but you’re a good-hearted asshole.
PARENT Thank you … that means a lot. Sweetie. (Beat.) Shit. Why can’t you just go to rehab, like normal kids do?
Another hug. The CHILD leaves. The PARENT remains behind.
The PARENT shakes his head while pulling a cell phone out of a jacket pocket. He pushes a few numbers.
PARENT … yes, hello? Is this the State Patrol? Fine. (Beat.) I’d like to report a stolen vehicle. (Beat.) Yes, I can hold …
Blackout.
THE WAGER
The Wager is a stage adaptation of the short film Double or Nothing. The film had its American premiere at the Tribeca International Film Festival in New York City in April 2012. It was directed by Nathaniel Krause.
GUY Adam Brody
GAL Louisa Krause
HOMELESS DUDE Keith David
Silence. Darkness.
A city street. Quiet now as it’s getting late (or early, depending on how young you are). A COUPLE—dressed for a night out—comes out the side exit of a club.
Nearby is a HOMELESS DUDE, sitting on the ground with the whole array of personal effects displayed: a dirty piece of cardboard and a ratty sleeping bag, a cart piled high with bags and shit, etc. He’s pretty much minding his own business. For now.
GUY … no, no, no, come on, seriously. Can we just go now? Please?
GAL Baby …
GUY Honestly, it’s … (Checks watch.) Sweetie, it’s 1:45. In the morning.
GAL I know.
GUY Yeah, well, you may know it but I’m aware of it, ok? And you know why?
GAL No. Why?
GUY … because I gotta work tomorrow! I mean today. I’m have to be at work in, like … six hours. (Kisses her cheek.) Six.
GAL Me too! (Beat.) Well, class. I have class tomorrow. Or today. Or … whatever!
GUY Uh-huh. At three. In the afternoon. And it’s an art class, by the way!
GAL So?
GUY So … that’s painting. Or pottery or … that sorta deal. It’s basically crafts. Like what kids do …
GAL It’s for my Masters.
GUY Great. Cool. Meanwhile, I’m actually going to be lifting and sweating and shit … thus the name “work.”
GAL Uh-uh! You’re in “sales.”
GUY Hey! Hey! We move things—signs and, and those big … standees. All kinds of crap! I’m a very physical guy at work and so … yeah. I’m in need of rest.
GAL Fine.
GUY No, not “fine” and you get all quiet now. I came out with you, a weeknight—I’m the guy who does, like, 60 or 70% of all the stuff you wanna do … karaoke or that one time I went bowling even, so just please. Please. Do this one thing for me.
GAL Okay. I’m not arguing. I thought we were having fun, but hey …
GUY You were! You and your girlfriends from the sketching class were having a great time but not me, and not half the guys who came with them. Alright? (Beat.) You need to glance around once in a w
hile … see how everybody else is feeling.
GAL What are you saying? Are you saying I’m selfish now? (Beat.) Are you?
GUY … no … sweetie … I’m not saying that! I am saying that you’re very … “focused.”
GAL Sounds like you’re calling me “selfish.”
GUY I don’t care what it sounds like …
The HOMELESS DUDE has worked his way over to them by this point. He taps the GUY on the shoulder.
HOMELESS DUDE … hey man, what’s up?
The GUY stops, turns. Bemused by this man.
GUY Nothing’s up, dude. I’m having a private conversation with my girlfriend. Why?
HOMELESS DUDE That’s cool …
GUY Yeah, thanks for the endorsement there.
HOMELESS DUDE She’s pretty. (Beat.) Anyways, bro …
GAL Honey, let’s go. Come on.
Silence. The GAL wants to go and tugs on the arm of her boyfriend. He, however, is staring at the HOMELESS DUDE.
GUY No, hold it. He stopped us, let’s see what he wants … (To HOMELESS DUDE.) So?
HOMELESS DUDE Hungry, bro, that’s all. Can you help a brother out tonight? It’s cold being out here on the street …
GUY I’m an only child, so first things first: we’re not brothers, ya got that? “Bro?”
HOMELESS DUDE It’s cool, that’s cool. Okay.
GAL Clark …
HOMELESS DUDE Just wanted a little … you know … anything you can spare. Know what I mean?
GUY No, what? You people always want something so it’s impossible to keep up. You want food or money, or, or, what? The keys to my apartment …?
HOMELESS DUDE What? You’re talking crazy now … what?
The GUY just stares at the HOMELESS DUDE. Watching him.
GUY What-do-you-want? Tell me. (Beat.) Now.
HOMELESS DUDE Some bread, man! You know that …
GUY You’re not, like, a hippy, ok? Wrong era, so just stop with the bullshit talk … I’m asking you, pretty directly here, what is it you want from us? Hmmm?
HOMELESS DUDE Mon-ey! Come on, man … just some change.
GUY Oh, “just” some change—because we must have cash, we’re young and white and all that shit, so we must be rich.
GAL Clark, please. I’m cold.