by Neil LaBute
GUY Sorry. (To HOMELESS DUDE.) My girlfriend’s cold so I can’t really get into it with you right now, like I was gonna, but hey, it’s your lucky night … I’m gonna teach you the value of money—or in your case, foodstamps—which your folks apparently never did … probably due to an extended stay in prison and/or a halfway house.
The GUY reaches into a pocket and produces a dollar bill.
He holds it in his hand and points to it, using his head to gesture.
GAL Baby, stop … what’re you doing?
GUY I’m giving this dude a job.
GAL What?
GUY I’m offering this gentleman the chance to earn a living wage … (Smiling.) And learn a little about “Capitalism,” too, while he’s at it.
GAL Yeah, while I’m standing here freezing.
GUY Gimme a minute! (To HOMELESS DUDE.) Hey, Denzel, come over here a sec’!
The HOMELESS DUDE keeps staring at the cash. Expectant.
HOMELESS DUDE Wha’s up, man?
GUY You. You’re up. Step over here and earn your keep or shut the fuck up …
GAL Clark!
GUY What?! Sorry, I’m not swearing at him … it’s just my—doesn’t matter. Just lemme finish. Please. (He rolls the single into a tiny ball.) Ok, dude, you’re on.
HOMELESS DUDE What’chu mean?
GUY Here. My two hands. I’ve got money in there. One dollar … that’s at least a chicken leg at KFC … maybe even a slice of watermelon. You want it?
The HOMELESS DUDE looks at the GUY, unsure at first what to say. Finally he blurts out:
HOMELESS DUDE Hell yeah!
GUY Good, then you gotta earn it. Ok? Easy.
HOMELESS DUDE Whatever, man, just gimme it …
GUY Not so fast! Hold on there and don’t go touching me, either. You’re dirty.
GAL Clark, don’t! My God … why’re you …?
GUY What?! Just stop, please? Okay? It’s not racist, it’s a fact. Look at him—I’d say it to anybody. It’s not a black-thing … it’s a soap-thing. The man is filthy!
HOMELESS DUDE It’s not me, bro, it’s all the cars and smoke and shit—I’m clean on the inside.
GUY Yeah, what’d I tell you about the “bro” thing, alright? Don’t do it again. I’m serious. (Beat.) We’ve got a … massive material divide between us and I’d like you to respect that. ’Kay? (Beat.) O-KAY?
HOMELESS DUDE Fine, bro, fine—sorry, man. I’m sorry. I respect you. I do.
GUY Idiot. (Looks at the GAL) Or can’t I say that, either? Is that wrong now, too?
The GAL just shrugs her shoulders and shifts her weight from one high-heeled shoe to the other.
The GUY turns back to the HOMELESS DUDE. Smiles at him.
HOMELESS DUDE Come on, just gimme that money …
GUY You crazy?! No! I’m teaching you to fish, my man—don’t you know that analogy? It’s that one with the … how’s it go?—“give a man a fish and he … but if you teach him to fish, then …” Fuck! I don’t remember exactly, but basically you learn how to fish and you can take care of yourself. Get it? (To his girlfriend.) Right?
The other two people are silent. Staring over at him.
GUY Screw it, it’s my money, take the bet or forget about it. You want the cash—pick which hand it’s in.
HOMELESS DUDE … I can do that …
GUY But.
HOMELESS DUDE “But” what? Why you gotta say “but” to me now? Huh? Why?
GAL Clark, I don’t like this, ok? You’re …
GUY And you don’t have to “like it,” okay?! Just stand there and look gorgeous for another few seconds and I’ll be done.
She’s getting frustrated and the cold is getting to her—she starts rubbing her hands up and down along her arms and stamping her feet.
GAL Maybe I’ll just go …
GUY Where? You didn’t even bring a purse—don’t think I didn’t notice—so I’m the money guy tonight and now this dude wants some—for free—just because he’s so, so great or something and so fine, I’m now giving him the chance to have some … do you mind? Can you hold on for a few more minutes without complaining just once in our entire dating life?
GAL Clark! Don’t talk to me like that.
GUY OK! Here. God. (Takes off jacket, puts it over her shoulders.) Better? Now can I get on with this, please?
GAL … yes. Go on.
GUY Thank-you. (To HOMELESS DUDE.) Women, huh?
The GUY looks around for a moment, up and down the street they’re on. It’s nice and empty, for a big city.
GAL … Clark …
The GUY waves a dismissive hand at her, in effect telling her to “be quiet.” He turns back to the HOMELESS DUDE.
GUY Okay, like I said “pick the hand it’s in and the money’s yours.” However: you get it wrong, I get to punch you. One time. Anywhere I want.
HOMELESS DUDE What the fuck?! Hold up, now … just hold on …
GAL Stop it. Clark, just stop it!
GUY I’m not doing anything! I’m suggesting a bet—if anything happens … it’s because this guy goes for it. (To HOMELESS DUDE.) If you’ve got the guts, go ahead.
The HOMELESS DUDE looks carefully at both of them. GUY flashes the money at him, smiles.
He puts his hands behind his back and mixes it up again. His fists come back out front.
GUY … what’s it gonna be, Denzel? You up for this or not?
GAL Stop calling him that!
GUY How do I know that’s not his name? They like names like that. (To HOMELESS DUDE.) So what is it, then? T’Shawn? Julius? Magic, maybe?
GAL Clark, now you’re just being …
HOMELESS DUDE It’s Clark. Just like you, man.
GUY Bullshit! It is not!
HOMELESS DUDE ’S true. I was born “Clark” Jackson …
GUY Ok, well, at least you’ve got a classic last name. I was gonna say …
GAL Please can we just go? Just give the guy some money and let’s head home …
GUY Nope. Ol’ Clark and me are gonna finish this first. (To HOMELESS DUDE.) You ready to try or are you a coward, too … on top of being a fucking beggar? Hmmm?
HOMELESS DUDE Fine. I’ll try it.
GUY Yeah? Even with the, you know … (Making a punching move with both hands.) Ya sure?
HOMELESS DUDE Yeah, man, I’m sure.
GUY Go for it, then, buddy. You take a really good guess now …
The GUY holds out both hands. Turning them over slowly.
The HOMELESS DUDE studies both fists. About to choose one, then the other. Finally goes with the right. Taps on it with a dirty finger.
GUY Hey, hey! What’d I say about touching me!
The GUY pulls away but reluctantly opens his hand to show the crumpled legal tender.
The HOMELESS DUDE scoops it up, happy with himself. The GAL rolls her eyes.
GAL All that for a dollar! Don’t be such a bully, Clark. Now let’s go …
The HOMELESS DUDE shuffles away, counting his good fortune this evening. Or morning. The GUY calls him back:
GUY Wait, man, hold up! (Smiles.) We just got started—double or nothing?
The HOMELESS DUDE studies him. Looks at the single in his hand.
GAL No, no, no! I’m not standing here for …
GUY Stop! Just—I’m almost done. (To HOMELESS DUDE.) Again? Here, let’s make it at least interesting.
Without hesitation, the GUY pulls a twenty off his roll and folds it up into a tiny square.
GUY There. Now you got something to play for! If you’ve got the stomach for it …
GAL Clark, I’m seriously walking away now …
GUY So go, then! I’m doing something here.
The GAL takes a couple steps but there’s not really any place for her to go. She stops and looks back.
GAL I can’t believe you’re acting … so …
GUY Believe it. I’m sick of being s
topped all the time, every five minutes, them asking for my money, a cigarette, whatever. Time for it to stop. (To HOMELESS DUDE.) So: up to you, Cassius Clay—I made the bet. Are you man enough to take it?
HOMELESS DUDE … Hell yes …
GUY Cool. But remember it’s double or nothing this time, so that’s two punches. Just so we’re clear.
The GUY smiles at the HOMELESS DUDE. Puts his hands out. The HOMELESS DUDE studies his hands, then picks one.
The GUY’s palm is empty. Before the HOMELESS DUDE can even react a sharp right jab to his cheek knocks him on his butt.
HOMELESS DUDE Aaawwwgghhh!
GUY Tough luck, buddy. Nice try, though. And now here’s number two …
HOMELESS DUDE Please, man, please no! Please!!
GUY Come on, don’t be such a …
GAL Clark, stop! STOP IT NOW!! STOP!!!
The GAL is so persuasive in her yelling that the GUY stops an inch from hitting the HOMELESS DUDE. She grabs his arm and he turns to her.
GUY What?!
GAL If you touch him once more—I mean, even breathe on him or whatever—I’m so outta here that you’ll never see me again. And I mean “ever.” For all time. (Beat.) Look at you, what you’re doing … my God, you are acting like an, an animal! A jungle animal who’s gone nuts in the head. I’m serious! I’ve had my doubts about you, I mean in the last few weeks, you have gone outta your way to be rude and mean and, and a real scumbag to waiters and cops and even people we know … I do not get what has gotten into you, seriously, I mean, like, ever since we slept together you have not been the same guy I met at that wine bar … I don’t get it but I’m definitely aware of it. (Beat.) Now, I need ya to suck it up and be the guy I fell for … just turn away from this or I’m telling you now … I’m outta here if I have to walk all the way back to Fulton Street on my own! I will and that’ll be the absolute end of us. You got that? I am deadly serious here—we’re done if you don’t follow me outta here right now. Up to you. (Beat.) Be a real man, someone I’m proud of, or keep being this … asshole that you’re working so hard at tonight! And Cancun is off … just so you know. No way would I ever go to a foreign country with you now until you take a few anger management classes and maybe even some racial sensitivity thingie—a seminar or whatever. I’m just really not feeling safe around you and, so, just … prove me wrong or I walk away. Right now. (Beat.) I mean it, Clark. Now.
GUY Come on. Rebecca. (Beat.) That’s bullshit.
GAL (Bursts out crying.) I guess that’s my answer … okay! You are being such a bastard to me … fine!! I’ve wanted to break up with you for a while now and this is the perfect excuse!! I don’t even need one for a, a freak like you but fine … you want one then you got one! That is it and I am done with you!! You hear me? I’m … I’m … done! Goodbye!!
And with that she’s gone. Tottering off on her heels into the night. The GUY looks at the HOMELESS DUDE.
GUY Now look what you’ve done! Damnit!! I’ll deal with you in a second …
The GUY curses to himself and starts to go after her as she disappears out of sight.
The HOMELESS DUDE rubs his cheek. Checks to make sure his dollar bill is safe.
GUY Becca! Come on, stop for a—Becca! I was just trying to help the guy! STOP!! Come back, Rebecca! STOP!! THIS IS SO STUPID!!
The GUY kicks over the HOMELESS DUDE’s cart, just for the effect. The noise is deafening in the quiet neighborhood.
The GUY makes his way back to the HOMELESS DUDE, who turns and looks at him. A long pause between them.
GUY … ok for you, buddy—now you’re gonna get it.
HOMELESS DUDE Get what?
GUY Duh. (Breaks into a big grin.) Your money! And thanks!! You done good, my man.
HOMELESS DUDE Pleasure, bro …
GUY No kidding! (Beat.) You know how hard she was making it to break up with her? Damn, I was having to be such a dickwad! It was exhausting!
HOMELESS DUDE Sorry, man … I know how girls can be …
GUY (Nodding at this.) Not enough to just have laughs and get a pizza and, and, like, make out on a semi-regular basis! Who’s not happy with that? I am! All guys are!
HOMELESS DUDE Sounds good to me.
GUY Exactly! Guys want that! But not girls … They want all that other … I mean, some gals just don’t ever get the message, no matter how many flares you fire up there into that night sky. Two, three dozen, it doesn’t matter. They just do-not-get-it. Especially the beautiful ones! I mean … yes, ok, you’re great-looking! You still don’t shut up at night … you still like bad movies and you still leave your shit all over the house! (Beat.) I dunno, man, I really do not know. Girls are weird …
The GUY shakes his head, then counts out some money into the HOMELESS DUDE’s hand. HOMELESS DUDE studies it.
HOMELESS DUDE Absolutely. (Counting.) I thought we said “sixty.” When you came outside earlier …
GUY Did we?
HOMELESS DUDE We certainly did.
GUY Really? No, I thought it was …
HOMELESS DUDE Yes, you said “sixty” plus anything that I won off you. During the bet.
GUY Huh.
HOMELESS DUDE You said it, bro, not me.
GUY Okay, then, bro. Sixty it is. (About to give him some more money.) Hey, you wanna play for it? Double or nothing?
The two men look at each other and slowly smile—there is a moment of pure male understanding between them.
HOMELESS DUDE Nah. I’m good …
GUY Ok. Your loss. (Beat.) You outta here now or what?
HOMELESS DUDE Yep. Probably gonna buy me a room tonight and watch the game. Knicks are in town and so—anyways, it’s getting cold out.
GUY Yeah, no kidding! And I lost a jacket in all this, too—Calvin Klein! (Beat.) … oh well. Worth it, I ’sppose.
The GUY yawns, checks his watch. HOMELESS DUDE starts to shiver a little.
HOMELESS DUDE Be seeing ya … gotta go. Freezing my butt off.
GUY Yeah, cool. Sounds good. (Holds out his hand.) And thanks, dude. Couldn’t’ve done it without you! Seriously, I tried!
The both snicker at this and shake hands. Another twenty gets popped into the HOMELESS DUDE’s hand.
GUY Hey. Consider it a tip …
HOMELESS DUDE Sure ya wanna “touch”’ me?
GUY Ha! Yeah, that was pretty good, right? So I’ll see you around. Enjoy tomorrow or … whatever. Your life, I guess.
HOMELESS DUDE Yep. (Beat.) Hey, you wanna go get a meal or something? I know it’s late, but …
GUY Ummmm … no, that’s ok. I mean, thanks for your help and all that but, you know … you’re still, like … a street person.
HOMELESS DUDE That’s alright. I’m fine with that. I can respect that …
GUY ’Kay, good. Thanks. (Beat.) So … yeah … take care, or … you know … enjoy eating garbage or whatever it is you guys do.
HOMELESS DUDE You too. Heading home?
GUY Naw, gonna go back inside—couple cute girls in there tonight, gonna check ’em out.
HOMELESS DUDE Ha! You white boys never learn!
GUY That is true! We never do—but we keep on trying, so that’s something.
The GUY yawns and checks his watch. He fixes his hair in a window reflection, then heads back inside the bar.
HOMELESS DUDE Amen to that, brother. Amen to that …
The HOMELESS DUDE smirks and then turns back to his money. Begins to count it. Whistling.
Silence. Darkness.
A GUY WALKS INTO A BAR
A Guy Walks Into a Bar had its American premiere at the Lucille Lortel Theatre (MCC) in New York City in June 2012 (as part of a benefit collectively titled The Heart of the Matter). It was directed by Carolyn Cantor.
TED Eddie Kaye Thomas
CLEO Emmanuelle Chriqui
Silence. Darkness.
We’re in a club of some sort. Loud music. People dancing and drinki
ng and occasionally trying to connect.
A guy (TED) standing there with a drink. Doesn’t appear to be enjoying himself but he’s putting up with it.
After a moment, a gal (CLEO) comes over. Stands near him.
When they start speaking they do so loudly, over driving music (the sound is there to set the mood but disappears once they begin. The shouting is just for theatrical effect.)
TED … don’t do it!
CLEO …
TED Seriously. Don’t. I’m not worth it …
CLEO What’s that?
TED Nothing! I was being silly! (Smiles.) I saw you stop there and so I just … you know …
CLEO I didn’t hear what you said, though.
TED … I was gonna tell you to not fall in love with me … to be careful.
CLEO Really?
TED Yep. Just giving you fair warning.
CLEO I see. (Beat.) Well … thanks.
TED My pleasure! ’Least I could do.
CLEO I mean, how was I to know, by stopping right here, that I might … actually …
TED Exactly!
CLEO Very kind of you, sir!
TED I’m just that sort of guy! (Smiles.) I’ve got this sixth sense about things and it was just kind of rolling off of you … in waves … how much you were wanting me.
CLEO … God, and I thought I had you fooled …
TED Hey, it happens! Just the other day I was saying that to somebody … or someone—is one of those more right than the other? In proper grammar?—I’m never sure …
CLEO I dunno. (Beat.) Does it really, though? Happen to you a lot? Yeah, prob’ly all the time … nice-looking guy like you.
TED Ha! (Beat.) Truthfully? No, almost never.
CLEO “Almost?”
TED Well, I met my girlfriend that way, but—sorry, no, wait, my fiancée, I’m supposed to call her my “fiancée”—other than her, though, no. No other times in my life … not even once. (Beat.) None times.
CLEO Ha! Except today.
TED Right! But … no, I was kidding with you just now—I was only playing around.
CLEO Oh. You were?
TED I think so!! I’m a little drunk, so I’m not completely sure of anything that I’m saying at any one time but yeah … yes, I believe I am. I did not mean to make you mad. Or upset. Or … any of the above …
CLEO I’m not. At all.
TED Cool! Thanks! (Beat.) You’re very nice!