SnowAngel:
“the yellow box of Kleenex right there,” I said, pointing at her man bag, where the corner of my Kleenex box was poking out as clear as day.
SnowAngel:
so get this! she zipped her man bag all the way shut, clutched it to her chest, and said, “I think you’re confused.”
mad maddie:
why do you call it her “man bag”? IS it a man bag?
SnowAngel:
I said, “hell yeah, I’m confused! two minutes ago my Kleenex box was on my bedside table and now it’s in your stupid man bag! and, newsflash, zipping your man bag up doesn’t make what’s inside of it magically disappear!”
mad maddie:
what then? did you march over and say, “unhand your man bag, you cad!”
SnowAngel:
no, cuz she stood up and scuttled out of the room like a . . . like a crab. a crab clutching its ugly crab man bag. I yelled, “bring back my Kleenex! give me back my Kleenex!!!”
mad maddie:
and yet . . .
mad maddie:
it’s Dub’l Puff for you now, huh?
SnowAngel:
you better not be laughing.
SnowAngel:
and if I end up mysteriously dead and chopped into pieces, you have to go to the police with this. promise?
mad maddie:
yes ma’am. absolutely.
SnowAngel:
in the meantime . . . well, I don’t know. Lucy still claims she isn’t stealing my stuff, but how she expects me to buy that load of crap is beyond me. I’m going to video her in the act and she WILL get her comeuppance!
Sat, Oct 26, 1:28 PM E.D.T.
SnowAngel:
hello, my friends. this is a public service announcement to inform you both that Reid and I have planned a stakeout for this afternoon.
SnowAngel:
we have rearranged my room so that there is just enough space, barely, to hide behind my bed.
SnowAngel:
we will be hiding there vair soon, stocked with chips, Coke, and of course our phones. Reid is going to video Lucy. I’ll take the still shots.
SnowAngel:
and of course we won’t eat the chips once we hear her coming. too loud, der.
SnowAngel:
wish us luck!
Sat, Oct 26, 1:34 PM E.D.T.
zoegirl:
I’m at Special Olympics competition. is almost time for Fernando’s event so can’t chat. but Angela! you are crazy! it is impossible to do a stakeout IN A DORM ROOM BEHIND A DORM-ROOM-SIZE BED. I’m going to write a short story about you and your craziness for my creative writing class!
Sat, Oct 26, 1:38 PM E.D.T.
zoegirl:
not your dorm-room-size bed. *facepalm*
zoegirl:
not saying your bed is size of a dorm room (though wld be awesome).
zoegirl:
Angela?
Sat, Oct 26, 1:40 PM E.D.T.
SnowAngel:
it’s almost time! we are ensconced behind bed and I hear Lucy chatting with Kristi-who-always-smells-like-curry, which means SHE IS IN THE HALL!
SnowAngel:
also Reid says hi to both of you, but he is a very loud potato chip cruncher and he is going to have to stop that when
SnowAngel:
fuck bye good luck franaodnq!
Sat, Oct 26, 1:45 PM E.D.T.
zoegirl:
er, is “franaodnq” supposed to be Fernando?
zoegirl:
ok, your ringer’s off and you can’t text because you’re too busy spy-girling. got it.
zoegirl:
check in when you can—I’m off to ref wheelchair basketball!
Sat, Oct 26, 11:15 AM P.D.T.
mad maddie:
Angela. dude. read yr newsflash.
mad maddie:
wiped sleep out of my eyes, peed, brushed away stink breath with minty fresh Colgate, and read yr newsflash again.
mad maddie:
then I called u. u did not answer.
mad maddie:
then I called Zoe. Zoe *did* answer, but it was loud and basketball-echoey and kids were screaming and cheering. hung up immediately due to too much early-morning stimulation.
mad maddie:
are you smushed behind the bed? smothered by potato chip crumbles?
mad maddie:
do let us know the status of yr deadness at yr earliest convenience.
mad maddie:
sincerely,
mad maddie:
me
Sat, Oct 26, 1:23 PM P.D.T.
mad maddie:
it has been two hours . . .
Sat, Oct 26, 5:01 PM E.D.T.
zoegirl:
Angela, you are in TROUBLE. right, Mads?
mad maddie:
hell yeah. *slams fist against open palm* where’s the update, fool?
zoegirl:
but guess what? Fernando’s team won the rugby championship!!!!!!
zoegirl:
he was so proud. now his team goes to the national competition in DC, and if they win that, they get to go to Australia!
mad maddie:
Australia? fucking AUSTRALIA?
mad maddie:
damn, where do I sign up?
zoegirl:
um, you don’t. you are of sound mind and body and not on a Special Olympics team.
zoegirl:
I’m snapchatting you a slideshow of Fernando and his teammates, including a ten-year-old named Kendra who has only one arm but came in second in girls’ gymnastics.
zoegirl:
d’ya get?
mad maddie:
awww
mad maddie:
those are both the most inspiring and most heartbreaking pictures I’ve ever seen.
zoegirl:
no! NOT heartbreaking!
zoegirl:
do you see their smiles, Maddie?
mad maddie:
is Fernando the one in the middle, in the pic where the team’s all lined up?
zoegirl:
#42, with “Fernando” printed across the front of his jersey? yep, that’s him, genius.
mad maddie:
he does have a great smile. but I can’t help it—the pics still make me sad.
zoegirl:
if you were here, you wouldn’t feel sad. you’d feel exhilarated.
zoegirl:
you should Google “Special Olympics Santa Cruz.” I’m sure there is one, and you could volunteer just like me.
mad maddie:
*grunts*
mad maddie:
*gives Zoe skeptical look*
zoegirl:
why are you being skeptical?
mad maddie:
I’m not. or I was, but not anymore.
mad maddie:
so, u think Angela’s alive?
zoegirl:
of course she’s alive!
mad maddie:
hmm. accusing someone of stealing personal hygiene products, that can ruffle a gal’s feathers. Lucy might have brandished a sword and chopped her head off.
zoegirl:
I think Reid’s cute, from the pics Angela has posted. don’t you?
mad maddie:
yeah, sure, but I like the dorky genius type.
mad maddie:
he’s def not frat boy cute.
zoegirl:
grrrr. I wish Angela would care less about that and more about other things, like kindness and a sense of humor and being there for her.
mad maddie:
her Zeta sisters look like clones.
mad maddie:
they all have straight platinum blond hair that hangs to their shoulders, they’ve all obviously had their teeth whitened, and they all have “admire me/fawn over me” smiles. IS CREEPY.
zoegirl:
well, Angela’s hair is more strawberry blond than platinum.
mad maddie:
but she flat-ironed it to
get rid of her waves. in every single picture, she’s wearing it straight. what’s up with that? is it Zeta Law that you have to have waterfall blond hair?
zoegirl:
the black girl doesn’t have blond hair.
mad maddie:
ohhhh, that’s right.
mad maddie:
THE BLACK GIRL. the sole black girl in the entire sorority, unless all the rest are hiding.
zoegirl:
that is a little weird, I admit
mad maddie:
you think?
zoegirl:
I secretly hope Angela depledges.
mad maddie:
I unsecretly hope she depledges.
zoegirl:
I also hope she gives Reid a chance, just to *see* if she likes him as more than a friend.
mad maddie:
I’m not holding my breath.
mad maddie:
hey, congrats to Fernando. tell him I think he rocks.
zoegirl:
Sun, Oct 27, 11:28 AM E.D.T.
SnowAngel:
ok ok ok ok ok! before you get all up in my bid’ness, let me just say that yesterday was VERY traumatic as well as DRAMATIC, and sometimes a girl simply cannot be prey to the winds of time.
SnowAngel:
also Halloween is right around the corner, and I was supposed to be at the Zeta house at 3 to help make decorations for the party we’re having with the Deltas. (boys! the party is at their frat house, but they expect us to make the decorations. typical!)
SnowAngel:
but then there was the whole hullabaloo with Lucy’s phone getting dropped in the toilet, which made me even later, and yeah.
SnowAngel:
the party’s going to be great, tho. I found these adorable body part lollipops that look like actual meat!
zoegirl:
body part lollipops? you think I care about body part lollipops for your HALLOWEEN PARTY? why haven’t you answered any of my calls?!
SnowAngel:
Zoe! hi!!!!!!!
zoegirl:
Angela! what the hell happened yesterday?
SnowAngel:
have u realized, just as an aside, that you curse now?
zoegirl:
no, I don’t.
SnowAngel:
you just said “hell.” in high school you wld have said “heck.”
zoegirl:
omg. what the heck fucking happened with you and Lucy and Reid yesterday?!!!!!!!!!!
SnowAngel:
relax, relax. that’s why I texted, to tell you all about it.
SnowAngel:
it’s complicated, tho
zoegirl:
I can handle it.
SnowAngel:
well, to set the scene:
SnowAngel:
there Reid and I were, crouched behind my bed, just chilling with the dust bunnies and our potato chips, chatting and chomping, nom nom nom.
SnowAngel:
then LUCY ARRIVED, and we clamped up those lips of ours PRONTO.
SnowAngel:
(spoiler! there will be unclamping of lips later! but we are not to that part of the story yet!)
zoegirl:
what are you saying? wait—did you and Reid kiss???
SnowAngel:
we clamped our lips
SnowAngel:
we peered oh-so-slyly over the edge of my bed.
SnowAngel:
AND ALL OF MY SUSPICIONS WERE TRUE! Lucy, not knowing Reid was videoing her every move, sauntered right over to my bureau, just as pretty as u please.
zoegirl:
if I had a roommate? and she—or her boyfriend—secretly videoed me . . . ?
SnowAngel:
Reid’s not my boyfriend. sheesh. so off topic.
SnowAngel:
SO, Lucy picked up my much adored Benefit How to Look the Best at Everything kit, unscrewed the tiny tube of concealer, and SNIFFED it!
zoegirl:
eeek. so she really has been going through your stuff.
SnowAngel:
SNIFFING my stuff! and, der! what have I been telling you???
SnowAngel:
she picked up various other moisturizers and lotions, but rejected all of them as well. (which in its own way was quite offensive.)
zoegirl:
omigod. only you.
SnowAngel:
then she found my dry shampoo! the good one from Sephora that smells like grapefruit and actually works!
SnowAngel:
AND SHE TOOK IT AND PUT IT IN HER BACKPACK, WHICH MEANS I WAS RIGHT ALL ALONG, AND THAT IS WHEN I SPRANG OUT FROM BEHIND MY BED AND SAID, “AH-HA! YOU *ARE* STEALING MY THINGS! UNHAND MY DRY SHAMPOO, YOU CAD!”
zoegirl:
holy cow. did she have a heart attack?
SnowAngel:
she jumped a bit, yes. but too bad.
SnowAngel:
I said, “and don’t go trying to deny it, because my boy Reid here has it all on his phone. he videoed every move you made, and I cld report you to the provost, you know.”
SnowAngel:
(I don’t actually know what a provost is, but I thought it sounded ominously official.)
zoegirl:
a provost is second in command to a university’s president, basically.
SnowAngel:
(really? cool! except I don’t actually WANT to know what a provost is . . .)
SnowAngel:
“unhand my dry shampoo!” I said.
SnowAngel:
“give me yr friend’s phone!” she said.
SnowAngel:
“what?” I said. “no way. you have to give me my dry shampoo because it is MINE. Reid does NOT have to give u his phone cuz it’s HIS. seriously, are you mentally deranged?”
zoegirl:
a provost is generally expected to be diplomatic, so you might need to strike that one off your “future jobs” list.
SnowAngel:
so Lucy lunged for Reid’s phone, which left me no choice but to lunge for *her* phone, which was in her back jeans pocket, which I knew because I saw the lump of it.
zoegirl:
why was grabbing Lucy’s phone the obvious response to Lucy going after Reid’s phone???
SnowAngel:
and then there was, u know, a BROUHAHA, and Lucy got all pissed and steam came out of her ears because someone accidentally dashed out of the room and down the hall to the bathroom and dropped her phone into the toilet.
zoegirl:
someone, huh?
SnowAngel:
it might have been me.
SnowAngel:
it was me.
SnowAngel:
it happened in the heat of the moment!
SnowAngel:
but don’t worry, she retaliated by dropping my dry shampoo into the toilet.
SnowAngel:
flung it, is more like it. and you know what sucks?
zoegirl:
what?
SnowAngel:
her phone didn’t end up getting ruined AT ALL, cuz Lucy snatched it out so quickly, and plus I looked up “how to fix a cell phone that’s been dropped in the toilet” and found out that if we put it in a bag of dry rice, it wld heal itself.
SnowAngel:
and it did! isn’t that cool? the rice sucked up all that toilet water.
SnowAngel:
my dry shampoo, however?
zoegirl:
you can’t re-dry dry shampoo once it’s gotten wet?
SnowAngel:
that, and even if you cld, who wants to put possibly evaporated, or possibly not, toilet water in her hair?
zoegirl:
how did you get from accidentally flinging Lucy’s phone into the toilet to helping her fix it???
SnowAngel:
oh. cuz once all the brawling was over, Lucy told me what was *really* going on, and I totally forgave her, silly.
zoegirl:
I am so confused! what WAS re
ally going on?
SnowAngel:
think about the things she stole: toothpaste, Q-tips, raisins. a comb. dry shampoo. a t-shirt of my dad’s that I used as a night shirt until it disappeared. (I figured I’d lost it doing laundry.)
SnowAngel:
what do all those things have in common?
zoegirl:
I have no idea. will you please just tell me?
SnowAngel:
two words: Jermaine. Quenton.
SnowAngel:
I think that’s how u spell his last name. maybe Quinton? Quintin?
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