Lieutenant Columbus

by Walter Knight

“Activate the Emergency Broadcast Network,” I quickly decided. “You know, the one with the long beep tone on TV and radio that nobody listens to. Then, blow the dam!”

  “But what if someone gets hurt?” argued Major Lopez. “What if the Dam Police investigate us?”

  “Do I have to think of everything myself? Blast a small hole; it won’t be so bad. Make it happen.”

  “Are you sure no one will get hurt?”

  “Since when did you become such a saint, Lopez? Afraid of losing votes? I agree it’s just scorpions. Besides, you’ll being doing them a favor. If we find Bob’s mine, think of all the jobs that will be created. These are hard times. Do it now!”

  “We need to stake a claim,” interrupted Shaky Jake, suddenly the voice of experience and reason. “We cannot uncover the mine until we establish ownership and mineral rights.”

  “Good point,” I agreed. “Belay that last order. I’ll have an attorney look into filing a claim, and buying Monica Lake. We’ll do this legal. Then we blast the damn dam.”

  * * * * *

  Attorney Eugene Depoli called from the Courthouse in Scorpion City. “You now own the mineral rights under Monica Lake. However, you can’t drain the lake because it’s on a waterfowl migration route. What are you up too this time?”

  “Not a problem,” I replied, ignoring the question. “I’ll just blast the dam.”

  “Are you not listening?” squawked Depoli. “Even if you drain the lake, you will be required to refill it. Besides, it’s my legal opinion that blasting that dam is a felony. What’s under the lake?”

  “Let me worry about that.”

  “Another issue is that the north shore is located inside the Arthropodan Empire. You know how the spiders get about trespassing, and both sides use the lake for irrigation. Are you trying to start another war?”

  “No.”

  “Are you sure? Do I need to evacuate again, and sell short all my stock holdings?”

  “Everything is under control,” I answered, while giving the matter some thought. “But, you might need to evacuate if I blast the dam.”

  * * * * *

  Hargundu once again untied his tether. Upset and unwelcoming, the other camels stomped and bleated in alarm. Hargundu ignored their protests, deciding to forgo his nightly play. There was a new scent, exotic and wild, on the night breeze, taking Hargundu north across the border.

  Hargundu passed unnoticed through the Arthropodan marine camp, avoiding the flickering light of small fires. And there he was! Arousing long ears, subtle raised thighs, massive chest, and hooves to die for! Hargundu unexpectedly joined the spider commander’s war mule in passion from behind. Hargundu knew this exotic beast would fulfill all his wildest expectations. His new love even kicked like a mule. Hargundu had heard stories and loved noisy sex.

  Shots rang out as spider sentries sounded the alarm. Marines pointed search lights in all directions, then closed on the sound of Hargundu’s lovemaking. Time to leave. Obviously this mule’s owner was a prude. Hargundu ran like the wind into the night, exhilarated like never before. This was the one he had sought for so many years, his one true love, his galactic soul mate. Hargundu would be back to whisk his love off to a palmed oasis of love. But for now, he crawled into Lieutenant Columbus’s tent to hide.

  * * * * *

  The spider commander was outraged. The suspect beast’s tracks led directly across the border. One more provocation and atrocity committed by the human pestilence and their Old Earth invasive pets! His poor war mule had been traumatized beyond description, refusing to be mounted for their morning ride.

  “What are you going to do about that rabid camel?” demanded the spider commander, rattling the fence. “I want that vicious rapist extradited immediately!”

  “You got raped by a camel?” I asked, incredulous, startled by the commotion. “That’s terrible.”

  “Not me, you fool! My war mule!”

  “Sorry, but the Legion has a don’t-ask-don’t-tell policy in regard to animals. Animal indiscretions are not against the law unless humans are involved, and then it’s only a misdemeanor. I know. At most, your case is just a civil matter.”

  “Barbarians! I want justice for my poor brutalized mule!”

  “How do you know it was not consensual?”

  “Impossible! Mules and camels do not cavort.”

  “It gets lonely out here in the desert.”

  “You have not heard the last of this matter,” warned the spider commander, tromping off. “I will kill that pervert camel myself. Your Old Earth pets are no different than their masters!”

  * * * * *

  The spiders brought reinforcements, a company of armor. I alerted the Air Force they might be needed, and we dug in.

  I also began construction on a waterfowl habitat project in conjunction with the Forest Service. Legion engineers built an island, formally named Czerinski’s Isand, in the middle of Monica Lake, the perfect refuge for ducks and geese to nest and lay eggs. Some referred to it as Polack Island. Intolerant bastards! I planted several palms on my island. Who says I am callous to the needs of wildlife? Our fragile ecosystems are very dear to me. I even ordered engineers to build a shack on the island to store ecology equipment and stuff.

  I planned to dig straight down through the island to the Woodard Mine. Digging from shore would not work because we needed privacy.

  I noticed Lieutenant Columbus seemed to take unusual joy in navigating a small row boat back and forth to my island. “If you are going to name an island for yourself, even a small speck as this, at least christen it by erecting a cross,” scolded Lieutenant Columbus with disdain. “I’ll erect the cross myself. You have no right to claim ownership to new lands. This island belongs to the United States Galactic Federation, and the President.”

  “A Republican island surrounded by a Democrat lake,” scoffed Major Lopez.

  “That may be true, but I own the mineral rights under it,” I advised, leading the way down the tunnel Legion engineers had already drilled. “Seismic tests show Woodard’s mine is not far.”

  “Remember, we are partners,” advised Shaky Jake.

  “We have lots of partners,” I replied, approaching the lead engineer. “Not the least of which is Sergeant Boedecker, my chief engineer.” We all shook hands.

  “It is an honor to finally meet you, Admiral,” exclaimed Sergeant Boedecker, heartily pumping Lieutenant Columbus’s hand.

  “What?”

  “Sorry, I meant Lieutenant, sir. I saw you boating earlier.”

  “How soon before we break through?” asked Major Lopez.

  “Soon.”

  * * * * *

  The spider commander and a boatload of spider marines motored out to Czerinski Island, storming the beach. They broke into the shack, finding nothing.

  “Where is everyone? I saw Czerinski and his band of cutthroats just moments ago. Now they are gone? What mischief is he up to now?”

  “No good, I am sure,” answered the spider Military Intelligence officer, tapping a claw on the wood floor. “They must be hiding under this structure.”

  A team leader set an explosive charge, blowing the floor. The opening revealed the concealed tunnel.

  “I knew it!” exclaimed the spider commander. “Czerinski is up to his evil ways again!”

  * * * * *

  Dust and debris rained down. We scrambled back to the surface, finding ourselves surrounded by heavily armed Arthropodan marines.

  “Did you not see the ‘no trespassing keep out’ sign?” I asked, conversationally. “No spiders allowed.”

  “No more partners!” exclaimed Lieutenant Columbus, drawing his sword. “We were here first!”

  “And we are here second,” responded the spider commander. “So what? Your adventurism will not be tolerated. What are you human pestilence up to now?”

  “Waterfowl habitat restoration,” advised Major Lopez. “You are going to be in big trouble with the Forest Service.”

  �
��Smokey the Bear is going to kick your ass,” added Shaky Jake.

  “Shut up, traitor,” hissed the spider commander. “When I want your opinion, I will ask for it.”

  “Ducks and geese need a safe place to nest and sleep at night,” I insisted.

  “In a tunnel?”

  “Bats too. They’re on the Protected Species List. Look it up if you don’t believe me.”

  “Do you ever tell the truth?” fumed the spider commander. “Spill it! Why do you dig a tunnel under the Emperor’s lake? Tell me now, or I will flood your precious tunnel.”

  “Gold,” answered Sergeant Boedecker. “There is enough for us all.”

  * * * * *

  Late that night Arthropodan marines set more charges, this time at the dam. The resulting flood reached all the way to Scorpion City. Soon the Scorpion City National Guard was on the scene, not very happy.

  The incident made the Galactic Database news, but not because of the flood. Two thousand ducks crashed on the Scorpion City Walmart, mistaking the parking lot for Monica Lake. Scorpion residents rushed to Walmart to rescue injured waterfowl. A bird-eating feast rivaling Thanksgiving Day followed.

  General Daly called me, not happy. “Czerinski, do you realize the President himself is on my ass over this bunch of happy bird shit you stirred up? The Audubon Society pressured Congress to start committee hearings on this whole fowl matter. Walmart is pissed, too.”

  “It’s not my fault,” I insisted. “Walmart painted their parking lot blue for the holidays. Stupid birds. This has happened before. Remember, back in the day, Boise State’s football field? It’s blue.”

  “I do not want your lame excuses. Paint the damn parking lot the right color, and refill Monica Lake!”

  “It’s not that simple,” I explained. “The Monica Lake Reservoir and Irrigation District is jointly administered by the USFG and the Arthropodan Empire. I have a company of spider marines camped out on the mud flats, refusing to leave.”

  “Has the galaxy gone mad? What do you mean refusing to leave?”

  “Sir, there are rumors of gold under the lake. Thousands of colonists from both sides of the border are flocking to the area. It’s a gold rush.”

  “Flocking? Do you mock me? Take care of those birds, or else! Refill that lake!”

  “Whatever.” I disconnected.

  back to Table of Contents

  Chapter 5

  Major Desert-Sting of the Scorpion City National Guard confronted me, angrily shaking his claw and pointing at the spider marines across the mud flats. “A fine mess you caused this time, Czerinski. Trouble follows you. Now what?”

  “The spiders blew up the dam,” I replied. “Sorry about the flood.”

  “I am talking about the gold! Get those trespassing spiders off my gold!”

  “You’re not upset about the flood?”

  “Scorpion City will eventually dry. Pizza Hut will still deliver. But those spider marines intend to stay and dig up my gold!”

  “Your gold?” interrupted Major Lopez. “The Legion already filed a claim. It’s our gold now.”

  “All mine claims at the Courthouse were destroyed in the flood,” advised Major Desert-Sting, smugly. “Play ball, we are partners now. I filed an amended claim. Figure out what to do about those damn spiders, or I will call for an air strike.”

  “No gold has been discovered. Soon, all will tire of the search and go home.”

  “I know better than that. You found Woodard’s Lost Mine. It’s under the lake?”

  “Maybe. Don’t call an air quite strike yet. We don’t want to start another war.”

  “Speak for yourself. I do not need a reason to kill spiders.”

  * * * * *

  I hate being manipulated. I received anonymous flash priority messages, possibly from the future, and maybe from myself. That’s a good trick. Most of the time, the messages were helpful. I was now certain there really was gold under Monica Lake. However, sometimes the messages conflicted, so I still used my own best judgment.

  Today, I received the text, ‘Kill Sergeant Boedecker. He is not what he appears.’ I refused that advise, asking for clarification. ‘Boedecker is a Democrat,’ was the curt reply.

  “No way,’ I texted back. ‘He would have never got past Mars, let alone been allowed to enlist in the Legion.’

  Being slandered a Democrat almost sealed Boedecker’s fate, but then another text read, ‘Liar! Boedecker is a lifelong Republican from Scranton.’

  Obviously the texts were from different sources. ‘Kill that pervert camel’ added to the confusion. Odd. I made a note to keep an eye on Columbus’s camel.

  General Daly ordered me to repair the dam, post guards, and refill the reservoir. Another text ordered me to seal the tunnel, suggesting we could find Bob’s Mine later in the future. Lot of good that does me now.

  Engineers built an earthen dam, and Monica Lake slowly refilled. Texts stopped as we settled in to a standoff facing the spiders across the border. I flooded the tunnel on my island to prevent snooping by gold seekers. ‘Monica City’ continued, diehards staying, finding small traces of color on the beach. The spider commander handed me a Warrant of Arrest and Extradition for Hargundu.

  “That abomination of a mangy lice-infected camel is a dangerous menace to the galaxy, and pursuant to treaty, I demand its extradition and or immediate execution,” advised the spider commander. “I am also contemplating civil action. My war mule has been listless ever since the assault, often refusing direct orders. He just stands there twitching his ears. I fear my war mule may need counseling. Do you realize how much the vet charges for counseling these days?”

  “Your problem is stupidity. You can’t fix stupid.”

  “My war mule is not stupid. He is an intelligent and valuable piece of military property!”

  “I was referring to you.”

  “There will be consequences if you continue to violate our borders and disrespect the Empire!” advised the spider commander, tromping off. “Serious consequences!”

  Whatever.

  * * * * *

  It was time to get answers. Major Lopez and I took Sergeant Boedecker for a little walk.

  “You are under arrest,” I announced, placing restraints on Boedecker’s hands and feet. “Your ID is a forgery.”

  “It is impossible to forge Legion ID,” protested Sergeant Boedecker. “You are mistaken.”

  Major Lopez pistol whipped Boedecker across the face.

  “Lie one more time, and you are dead,” threatened Major Lopez.

  “Please, I can explain!”

  “Are you a time traveler?” I asked. “A spy from the future?”

  “No, of course not.”

  Major Lopez struck Boedecker again, knocking him to the dirt. We strung Boedecker upside down from a tree branch. I gathered small pieces of wood to start a fire.

  “You can’t be serious!” exclaimed Boedecker, as I lit the fire. “Okay! I’ll tell you everything. Columbus is the time traveler, not me!”

  “Tell me something I don’t know,” demanded Major Lopez, tossing another stick on the fire. “This is not going to end well if you don’t come clean.”

  “Who is sending me text messages, and why?” I asked, swinging Boedecker back and forth across the growing flames. “You better talk quick, or you’re going to be barbequed. I’ll feed you to the Scorpion City National Guard.”

  “I don’t know! The CIA sent me to find out. Those texts are probably from yourself in the future, trying to coach you on another get-rich scheme.”

  “I am already rich,” I advised, kicking the fire aside. “There are easier ways to make money than digging holes in the ground, especially if I knew the future.”

  “The CIA found Columbus at the Legion Academy,” explained Boedecker. “I followed him here. He’s getting help. We hope to capture his conspirators, and the time travel technology. Maybe I should be asking you about the time machine. We know you know something, Czerinski.”

/>   “I don’t know anything about a time machine,” I lied. “I don’t believe those text messages are from me, or the future. Why would I tell myself to kill a stupid camel?”

  “Maybe you have partners.”

  “Spider partners?” asked Major Lopez, punching Boedecker in the gut. “Traitor! Who are you working with?”

  “CIA agent Max Hobbs was disguised as one of my engineers, but he fled.”

  “Liar!” yelled Major Lopez, kicking Boedecker in the ribs. “Hobbs is dead, eaten by the scorpions, just like you will be soon.”

  “That’s the name he gave me, I swear. Please don’t feed me to the insects. I can help you!”

  “He is right about Hobbs,” I added. “Hobbs died, not that I care.”

  “Maybe there is a paradox in play,” speculated Boedecker. “Maybe the past has already been changed.”

  “What now?” I asked. “We can’t get to the gold, and I’m not killing any stupid camels.”

  “If you want the gold, just wait. You can dig up Bob’s Lost Mine in the future.”

  “We should string up Private Knight and get some answers,” suggested Major Lopez. “That bendaho has been messing with us for a long time.”

  “Walter Knight, the world-famous science fiction writer?” asked Boedecker. “He knows nothing.”

  “Enough!” I ordered. “We will watch Lieutenant Columbus until he leads us to his conspirators.”

  “What about Boedecker?” asked Major Lopez, drawing his knife.

  “Kill him,” I answered, nodding to Lopez. “Impersonating a legionnaire is a capital offense.”

  “No wait! I know the exact location of the mother lode Old Bob never found!”

  “A time machine is more valuable than any gold mine,” reasoned Major Lopez. “I no longer care about the gold.”

  “I’ll help you get both,” pleaded Boedecker. “You need me!”

  “Cut him loose,” I ordered. “You had better not cross us.”