The Missing Husband

by Natasha Boydell

Pete. Lily’s finally walking around normally again. Or should I say strutting! She asked me to send you a video, which I’ve attached. I sat the girls down for a chat at the weekend. I told them you’d gone away and that I didn’t know when you’d be coming home. They had a lot of questions which I tried to answer as best I could. I told them that you loved them very, very much but that you’d been feeling sad for a long time and you had gone somewhere that made you feel happy. They wanted to come of course but I told them that it was very far away and that we couldn’t go. I have no idea if it was the right thing to say but I didn’t have many options. I think they might think that you’ve gone to the place where the My Little Ponies live.

  They were both upset and asked if it was their fault. I assured them that it was absolutely, in no way, their fault. I think they believed me but they don’t really understand it. It was absolutely horrible but I had to do something. You’ve been gone for three months, even children know that business trips don’t go on for that long.

  It’s Christmas in a couple of weeks. We went to get the tree yesterday and decorated it. The girls are super excited about the school fair and guess what – I’m manning a stall! Yes, you heard me correctly, I’m like a proper ‘school mum’ now. Since I’ve been doing the school runs every day I’ve got chatting to a few new parents and they’re lovely. I’ve started organising playdates and going for coffee with them after drop-off on Fridays and when they asked me if I wanted to join the Christmas fair committee I thought, why not? I’ve even been doing some PR for them!

  I’ve started seeing a therapist too. It still feels strange and uncomfortable talking to a total stranger but it’s helping. Like letting Rachel go, it’s one of the things I should have done years ago. Perhaps if I had done, you’d still be here with us now.

  I’m still hurt and I think I always will be. But I admit that I’m as much to blame as you are and I’m sorry, I really am. I’ve been a terrible wife to you over the last few years. I refused to give you the love and attention you deserved and I drove you away. If it helps, I refused to give myself the love and attention I deserved too. We’re both paying the price.

  I’m not going to ask you if you’re coming back anymore. In fact, this is the last email I’m going to send you. You know where we are. Our marriage is over, that much is clear to me now, but there is still a place for you in the children’s lives. Don’t leave it too long, Pete.

  Kate applied another layer of mascara and stood back to look at her reflection in the mirror. She didn’t look too bad, actually. The daily school runs and running around after the girls had given her a bit of an outdoorsy glow, plus she was a few pounds lighter than she’d been in years. That’s what post-traumatic stress disorder in the wake of your life being turned upside down does to you, she thought wryly, it’s the ideal diet plan. She felt the familiar clutch of fear in her stomach before pushing it away and focusing on her reflection again.

  Erin was on her way over to babysit and she was going out for the first time in months. A few of the mums from Maggie’s class had asked her along to their end-of-term dinner. It was the first time she’d been invited out with them and she was feeling nervous. She’d been doing the daily school runs ever since Rachel left and now she wondered why she’d avoided it for so long. When Lily started school she’d gone to the new reception parents drinks and stood around nervously making small talk with the other mums and dads but it hadn’t been a particularly sociable class. Nadia, whose daughter was in the other reception class, had of course instantly made friends with the other mums and formed a little gang. She’d always invited Kate along to things and she sometimes went but she never felt truly part of it. When Maggie had started the previous year, she hadn’t even bothered going to the welcome drinks.

  She had been afraid of all the other school mums. They all seemed so together and she felt like an absolute joke in comparison. On the rare occasions that she’d talked to them in the past she always came away feeling that she had put her foot in it in some way, saying something stupid or stuck-up when she didn’t mean to. She would analyse the conversation for the rest of the day, berating herself for opening her mouth at all. In the end it was easier just to let Rachel do the majority of the school runs and after-school playdates and make a quick getaway on the days that she did do them. But with Rachel gone, she’d had no choice but to get over her fears.

  On only her third morning on school run duty she’d caught the eye of a couple of mums who had children in Maggie’s class and they’d smiled warmly at her before making their way over.

  ‘Hi, Kate isn’t it?’ one of the women, who introduced herself as Lottie, asked. ‘My daughter Ava is in Maggie’s class and she never stops talking about her. We’d love to have you over for a playdate some time.’

  ‘That would be great.’ Kate had smiled back. Then, on impulse, she added: ‘How about next week? Would you like to come to ours?’

  ‘Lovely,’ Lottie replied. ‘Fridays are good for me, I work Monday to Thursday.’

  ‘Friday’s great.’

  The following week, while Maggie had been overjoyed at the prospect of having Ava over to play, Kate was full of nerves. She’d had playdates before of course, with Nadia and the others in the antenatal gang, but this felt different. This was a new friend and she was as nervous as if it was her first day at school. As she scooped crisps into bowls and made carrot batons, she realised how annoyed she was with herself for being so worried about this. She used to pride herself on being able to negotiate with difficult, high-profile journalists to secure articles in major publications for clients without breaking a sweat. Yet here she was getting clammy about a sodding playdate. Taking a deep breath she slowly put the carrot peeler down, wiped her hands, and got ready to go and meet Lottie and Ava at the school gates.

  The girls bundled out of school together, high as kites at the prospect of the afternoon ahead. Lottie smiled at Kate and they made their way back to the house together, Lily, Maggie and Ava skipping ahead while the mums hung back. Once they were home, Kate offered Lottie a drink: ‘Tea, coffee, squash?’

  ‘I’d love a glass of wine,’ Lottie replied. Kate grinned, her nerves starting to disappear. ‘On it!’ she replied, reaching for the white wine in the fridge.

  Over a drink, Lottie told Kate about herself. She was originally from Oxford but had lived in London for years. She worked part-time for a charity. As the wine flowed the conversation became easier and more open.

  ‘We wanted a second child after Ava,’ Lottie told her. ‘But it just didn’t happen for us. It was hard to come to terms with but in the end we had to move on. It was consuming our lives, ruining our relationship and preventing us from enjoying parenthood with the one beautiful, amazing child we did have.’

  Kate nodded sympathetically. ‘It’s amazing that you were able to move past it. I know of other couples who haven’t been able to. It eats them up.’

  ‘What about you?’ Lottie asked. ‘Do you work?’

  It was the first time she’d been asked the question in that way. She normally got: ‘What do you do?’ and had the embarrassment of having to reply, ‘nothing’.

  ‘Not at the moment,’ she began, before adding, ‘not at all if I’m being honest. I used to work in PR many moons ago but haven’t been back to it since I had kids.’

  ‘Would you like to? Or are you happy being at home?’ The question came without any judgement, just curiosity. It made Kate feel a bit braver.

  ‘To be honest, I’m not sure I have a choice anymore. Obviously you know about me and Pete?’

  Lottie looked bewildered. ‘Is Pete your husband?’

  Christ, she doesn’t know. Kate had assumed the whole school was gossiping about her but it was clear that Lottie had no idea what she was talking about. ‘Yes he, erm, he left me three months ago.’

  Lottie put her hand to her mouth. ‘Oh gosh, I’m so sorry, Kate, that’s awful. How are you coping?’

  ‘Not great at first,’ Kate adm
itted. ‘Still not brilliant, obviously, but getting better. That’s the one thing about kids isn’t it, you can’t just sit around feeling sorry for yourself – you’ve got to plough on.’

  ‘Is he still seeing Lily and Maggie regularly?’

  ‘Well, that’s the thing.’ Kate realised that she was feeling a bit light-headed from the wine and the pleasure of an understanding ear, and in danger of oversharing. ‘I haven’t heard from him since he left.’

  Lottie gasped. ‘That’s terrible. Do you know where he is?’

  ‘Nope.’

  ‘Did he give you an explanation at all before he left?’

  ‘Just a note saying he’d met someone else. He left his phone behind, quit his job, deleted his social media accounts and I have no way of contacting him.’

  ‘What a bastard!’ Lottie was aghast. ‘Kate, I am so sorry that this has happened to you. I wish I’d known, I would have been in touch sooner, but I had absolutely no idea.’ She reached for Kate’s hand and squeezed it.

  ‘I thought the whole school was gossiping about it,’ Kate admitted.

  Lottie shrugged. ‘Not that I know of. I mean I only really know the parents in Maggie’s class but none of them have mentioned it. How are you coping?’

  ‘We’re getting used to life without him, slowly. It’s forcing me to confront some issues that I’ve been burying for a long time. Our marriage clearly wasn’t a happy one but I refused to admit it, and I’ve been feeling pretty low for a few years now and it can’t go on any longer. It’s already cost me my marriage and I can’t let it affect the girls too. I’m seeing a therapist which is helping and I’m hoping to start doing some freelance work too so I can earn my own income. Obviously I let Rachel go.’

  ‘Rachel?’ Lottie looked at her quizzically.

  ‘Our nanny?’

  ‘Oh, yes, I think I’ve seen her.’

  Kate couldn’t believe it. All this time she had thought that the other parents judged her, her glaring absence from school, but now she was starting to realise that most of them hadn’t even given it a thought. They were all just busy getting on with their own lives.

  ‘Anyway, I’m slowly starting to stand on my own two feet. And you know what? It feels good. Scary, but good.’

  ‘Good for you,’ Lottie said, smiling. ‘Good for you.’

  After Lottie and Ava left, Kate felt the familiar fears and doubts surfacing, as they did most days. Did she say too much? Did she sound like an idiot? She should never have had that glass of wine. But then she started doing the breathing exercises that her therapist had recommended and slowly calmed herself back down. She’d had a great time and so had the girls. As she left, Lottie had invited them to her house the following Friday so it can’t have gone that badly. When Kate had replied that they’d love to, she realised that she actually meant it.

  After the girls had gone to bed, she had sat down with her laptop to check her emails. She hadn’t looked at them all day and as she scrolled through the endless junk, she spotted one from Jenny, an old client she used to work with. The previous week she’d started sending out emails again to some of her old contacts, letting them know that she was looking for work. She had spruced up her website and LinkedIn and spent hours reading up on the latest industry news. She’d also joined a couple of groups for freelance PR professionals. She quickly opened the email.

  Kate, hi!

  How ARE you? It’s so lovely to hear from you. And your message couldn’t come at a better time. We’re launching a new campaign in the spring and we really need some PR support. From what I remember about your work, it’s right up your street. We’re closing down for Christmas soon but are you free to meet for coffee in the New Year? Maybe first week of Jan? We need to get the ball rolling.

  Looking forward to working with you again! Jen x

  Kate felt a shiver of excitement. Her first possible piece of work! She quickly typed a reply to Jenny to suggest some dates and then sat back to consider the prospect of working again. It would be a shock to the system, no doubt, but a good way to ease herself back in – working with a client who she knew well already. And once she had a recent campaign under her belt, she could add it to her portfolio and make herself more appealing to other potential clients. It felt like the first step on the ladder. She wasn’t as scared as she thought she’d be, perhaps it was because the meeting wasn’t for a few weeks yet – or could it just possibly be because she was feeling stronger? Pete’s betrayal had changed a lot of things and one of them was making her stand on her own two feet again. She’d relied on him for too long.

  The knock on the door brought Kate back to the present. Erin had arrived. When she opened the door, her sister looked her up and down and whistled.

  ‘Looking good there, sis. Hot!’

  ‘Oh don’t, it’s only a drink with the school mums, Erin!’

  ‘Just the mums? No sexy single dads?’

  ‘Ha ha, very funny. Strictly mums only.’

  ‘Well I’ve heard how crazy nights out with the school mums can get. You never know!’

  Kate picked up her bag and coat and gave her sister a kiss. ‘I’ll be back by eleven.’

  At the restaurant she was relieved when she got a seat next to Lottie. There were eight of them out for dinner in total and she didn’t know the others that well. But after a few drinks the conversation was flowing and everyone was having fun.

  ‘What do you do?’ asked one of the other mums, who introduced herself as Lisa.

  It was a question Kate knew all too well. But this time, she said proudly, ‘Actually I’ve just started my own PR consultancy. I worked in the industry for years but stopped when I had the children. I’ve decided to ease myself back in.’

  ‘What kind of PR?’ Lisa asked.

  Kate filled her in on her background.

  Lisa said, ‘I work for a local college and we’re desperate to get some positive stories about ourselves out there. Would you be interested? Our budget won’t be anything like what you’re used to but if you fancy having a chat, let me know.’

  ‘I’d love to!’ Kate replied, her eyes lighting up, before adding, ‘I really need to build up my portfolio so I’d be happy to offer a discounted rate in exchange for some recent work and a testimonial.’

  ‘Let’s swap details,’ Lisa said, pulling out her phone. ‘Maybe we can meet for coffee in the New Year?’

  On the way home, Kate tottered along the pavement in her heels feeling slightly tipsy and more than slightly happy. She’d had a great night and for once she didn’t feel like she’d said anything stupid, plus she’d potentially got some more work lined up for next year. At once the thought of Pete entered her head, as it always did when she felt even the tiniest glimmer of hope. It would keep happening, she knew, for a long time, probably even forever. But what had happened had happened and now she had two choices – to live in the past or to live in the present. And at that particular moment she chose the present.

  Letting herself back into the house she walked into the living room where Erin was watching a film. ‘Good night?’ her sister asked, looking up.

  ‘Fabulous,’ Kate said, sinking down on to the sofa and peeling off her shoes.

  ‘Good for you, you deserve it. The girls went to bed with no bother. I haven’t heard a peep out of them since.’

  ‘Thanks for babysitting, Erin.’

  ‘Any time, love.’

  After Erin left, Kate got a glass of water from the kitchen and made her way upstairs. Peering into the girls’ rooms she saw they were both fast asleep. She felt a rush of love for them. Her beautiful, brave little girls. Would she be enough for them? She’d have to be, she had no choice. As she went to her own bedroom all her earlier happiness dissolved and she let the dark thoughts consume her again. Those poor girls, missing their father. Would it be like this forever, she wondered? Fleeting moments of happiness replaced by loss and sadness again? All of a sudden, she felt exhausted. Without even taking her clothes off she climbed in
to bed, turned off the light and waited for sleep to come.

  16

  Pete

  The urge to see Claire came on without any warning. There was no trigger, no fight with Kate, just a sudden, overwhelming desire for something exciting to break up the dull monotony of his existence again. It had been three weeks since he’d called things off with her and he’d been proud of himself for finally putting an end to the whole thing. Now he could focus on getting his marriage back on track and being a good father.

  Except nothing had really changed. He and Kate were still being nicer to each other and he didn’t feel like he was constantly treading on eggshells but ultimately his life was still the same. Boring, boring, boring. Work was boring, his marriage was boring. And so, he started having cravings for a release again. And Claire, beautiful, uncomplicated, sexy, clever, uninhibited Claire, was his release. He was getting a sandwich from the Pret near work at lunchtime when the desire to contact her appeared, out of the blue, and hijacked his mind until he simply couldn’t focus on anything else. Finding a bench, he sat down and typed out a quick message before he could overthink it.

  Hey you, can we meet? Tonight?

  He saw that she’d read the message. Would she torture him by not responding for hours? No, she couldn’t be bothered with game playing, it was one of the things he loved about her. Her reply came seconds later.

  This is a surprise. Is it for another fun ‘chat’ or something else?

  He grinned.

  Definitely something else.

  Well then, come on over.

  He stood up, feeling giddy. She’d let him off lightly and it was probably more than he deserved but he didn’t care. He was going to see her tonight and he couldn’t be more excited. He quickly typed out a message to Kate.

  Hey, got to work late tonight, don’t wait up, kiss the girls from me, see you tomorrow x