Four Beheadings and a Funeral

by Ugland, Eric

  We landed near the infamous tree I’d visited so many times just outside Osterstadt. As soon as we’d dismounted, Fritz launched himself into the air again.

  I waved at him, but considering how dark it was, I doubt he saw a damn thing.

  Two women were waiting at the base of the tree, standing there with four horses.

  I recognized one, Eliza’s head handmaiden, immediately. She was a severe-looking woman who was trying to play things down. But there were definitely serious muscles barely hidden under her riding cloak, and I could see the rings of chainmail poking out of her sleeves.

  “I don’t know if you’ve met,” Eliza said, striding toward her ladies in waiting. “Duke of Coggeshall, this is Priscilla Windham.”

  “Your grace,” she said, with the slightest of curtsies.

  “Priscilla,” I said, giving her a mild head bow, as I’d been instructed by Eliza.

  “Now that we’re out of Coggeshall, your grace,” Priscilla said, “know that I am in charge of this grouping. As long as we are in public, I will not address you by your title, nor your name. You will be watching out for her ladyship’s safety at all times. Is that understood?”

  “Yes ma’am.”

  “And this is?” Eliza said, gesturing at the other woman.

  “Emeline, your ladyship,” the mystery woman said.

  At first glance, I didn’t even recognize her. This was a polished lady with her black hair pulled back tight, makeup on her face, and a complete lack of smirk or smile. But her eyes were the same, and as soon as she did smile, I could tell it was Emeline.

  “Good to see you again,” I said.

  We mounted up and started a slow ride into the city. Bear chose to make her travel home in one of my saddlebags. There was something appealing about being so small. The world became a haven of comfy spots to ride out hardships. At least, that was the rosy way of looking at things. I suppose it also became something of an issue when you had to watch out for house cats that could eat you.

  Snow started to fall, so gently it seemed like something out of a fairy tale. The sun was at the edge of the horizon, and I liked to think that we were silhouettes coming toward Osterstadt.

  Naturally, the world had to intercede and alter things just enough to ruin my daydreams.

  Several forms stepped out of the dark undergrowth next to the road, and blocked our path.

  “Alms for the poor, milady,” the front figure said, his voice low.

  He had a blade out, but held down at his side. His compatriots spread out around us. I slowly looked around to count the opponents. Four. Eight. Twelve. Fourteen. Not great odds. They didn’t look fully rough and tumble, like professional bandits. More like men and women who fell on hard times and took the wrong choice.

  I looked over to Eliza, who was scowling at the men in front of her.

  “Is there any reason to think you’ll let us pass if we pay you?” Eliza asked.

  “Of course,” the man said. “We are just down on our luck and looking for a handout from a noble lady traveling alone.”

  Almost subconsciously, I put my hand where my unfillable knapsack was normally tied.

  “You looking for something, big boy?” a woman asked, poking my thigh with her sword.

  “Just awaiting orders from milady,” I replied.

  “Oh?” the woman replied. “You thinking you’ll fight your way out of this?”

  “Hoping not.”

  Our little interchange had gone unnoticed by the primaries, the lead guy and Eliza. But whatever conversation they’d been having had gone downhill.

  “You know we won’t give you everything we have,” Eliza was saying, “so you’ll kill us.”

  “Or you could just give us everything you have,” the lead bandit replied. “Then we will not have to kill you.”

  “So you admit that you will kill us.”

  “After this argument, I’m certainly more inclined for death.”

  “Be careful or you will get your wish,” she said.

  “Your oaf back there doesn’t scare anyone. Your little party is well out-numbered—”

  “You want me to take care of this?” I asked.

  Eliza looked over her shoulder at me, and raised an eyebrow. I had the feeling she was debating what letting me off the leash would do.

  “Maybe I should just take care of you,” the lady next to me said, poking with the sword again.

  “You really don’t want to do that,” I said. “I get ornery when poked.”

  “Can I kill him?” the lady asked her leader.

  “You muzzle your boy,” the leader told Eliza, “or I’ll--“

  “I will warn you all one more time,” Eliza said, her voice louder and really laying into the noble versus plebe thing, “you do not want to continue down this path.”

  “Kill him,” the leader said, ignoring the warning.

  I knew what was going to happen. The lady had been telegraphing it. She immediately lunged and thrust her sword right at my thigh. I lifted my thigh up, my whole leg, really, and kicked out with it.

  She stabbed my horse, which sucked, but I kicked her in the face. Full strength.

  Her head snapped back so hard her neck broke and she crumpled to the ground.

  I swung out of the saddle and jabbed a punch at the man on my left and kicked up the shitty sword the woman had dropped.

  Two people down, at least one dead, and no one had reacted yet. Another indication these were not professionals. Or, at least, not professional bandits. Thieves, maybe, who were used to people not fighting back. But out here, confronted with actual violence in front of them, they seemed surprised and overcome.

  They also didn’t have armor on. So even though the sword I had was a bit rusty and not that sharp, I still got the blade half-way through the neck of the man on my right. He grabbed at his wound, fruitlessly trying to stop the blood.

  I snatched the club from his weak grip. Then I pushed the pre-corpse out of my way and into the way of the attempted strike against me. The striker, a haggard-looking woman with more pimples than teeth, gasped as she slashed her companion. Then I thumped her on the head. She bunny-foo-foo’d the fuck out, her cranium popping open as it hit the ground.

  A quick backhand with the club, and the man next to her was down.

  I snatched my throwing axe off my belt, threw it frontward, and caught the leader in the chest as he stepped forward to attack Eliza. It sunk into his sternum with a satisfying thunk.

  Moving forward, I blocked an overhand chop with a basic wood-axe, letting the head just hit my forearm and notch against the bone. Sure, there was a bit of blood, but it was a good way to instill some fear into my opponents. Just ignoring a blow like that was certainly demoralizing. Something I got to experience first-hand, as the man’s eyes went wide as he looked at the axe stuck in my arm while I head butted him, crunching his nose with my forehead.

  He and his ruined face fell to the ground. I pulled the wood axe from my arm and gave it a quick twirl around. Then I stuck my hand out and pulled the throwing axe out of the leader’s body. When it hit my hand, I set up for some two-handed axe fun.

  But that wasn’t to be.

  The rest of the thieves were hightailing it away as fast as they could, having thrown down their weapons and anything else that might slow their escape.

  I threw the axe hard, and watched with grim satisfaction as it struck down one of the fleeing targets. I held my hand out, and was a little confused when the axe didn’t return.

  Wrong axe.

  I was about to throw the correct axe when I heard Eliza clear her throat.

  “I think that is enough, good sir,” she said.

  “Yes ma’am,” I replied, and slid the throwing axe back into my belt.

  Priscilla had taken one of the bandits down, while Emeline seemed to have made sure Eliza was safe. The rest of the carnage was my fault. And it was carnage. This had not been a fight, it had been a slaughter. Nine had fallen to me. One to P
riscilla. And two had run off.

  Not all of the bandits I’d attacked were dead. I mean, most of them were. Some were, like, really dead. But the guy I’d head-butted was moaning on the ground and moving some. The guy Priscilla had taken was actually still conscious, so, I guess, bonus points for her.

  “Lord Coggeshall,” Eliza said, looking down at me from her saddle, “while your skills in combat are truly mesmerizing, you do lack any sense of decorum.”

  “Wha—” I started.

  “She’s trying to say you’re already disgusting,” Emeline interrupted to clarify.

  I gave myself a once-over. It was fair to say I was less than clean. But fighting is messy business, especially when you’ve got blades. There is a lot of blood splatter. And also quite a bit of saliva, and sometimes vomit. Plus the dead ones poop their pants a lot. So you know, sometimes you get that on you. Clearly, it was something I’d grown used to, not just in Vuldranni, but in my previous incarnation. None of my traveling companions were similarly inclined.

  “I’ve got a water skin,” I said, going over to my horse.

  He shied away from me.

  “Easy there,” I said, doing my best to radiate a sense of calm.

  He wasn’t buying it, and kept moving away from me. I realized he’d gotten a decent cut at the start of combat, so I did a quick once-over of the horse. It wasn’t a deep cut, just sort of a long one, and I got some cloth to pack against the wound.

  Emeline angled her mount so she was right up against mine, forcing my horse to hold still. I grabbed the waterskin, and did the best I could to get all the various things off me. Which mostly worked. One real benefit of no beard — I didn’t need a comb to get the bits of brain out.

  I pulled off my blood-soaked tabard, and I was about to stuff it in a bag when I realized Priscilla had her hand out.

  “What?” I asked.

  “Give it to me,” she said. “I will make sure it is laundered.”

  “Oh. Thanks.”

  “It is part of my job,” she said. “Just as you have done yours, I will do mine. There is no need for thanks.”

  She grabbed the tabard from me, and put it in her saddlebag. Then, she started her horse moving toward the city.

  Eliza watched me for a moment, then followed her lady in waiting.

  Emeline chuckled. “This is going to really suck,” she said.

  Chapter Seventeen

  Getting into Osterstadt was easier than any other time I’d tried. Eliza said who she was, the guards looked at her, then at the rest of us, and waved us through. No issue. The city guards looked a bit rougher than I remembered, not clean-shaven and with weapons that looked like they had quite a bit more wear and tear on them. I wondered what’d been going on in the few months since I’d been here last. Although I realized we were coming in really early, which could mean that these gruff guards were just the dudes who pulled the crap overnight duty.

  We were alone as we moved through the city, our horses making a gentle racket on the cobblestone streets. Eliza seemed to know where we were headed, so it was easy enough to just let my horse follow hers. We headed down the main avenue for a stretch, then took a left toward the nicer area of town. After a short bit of riding, we arrived in front of an inn.

  Eliza and Priscilla slid off their horses, and walked inside.

  I looked over at Emeline.

  “You have a plan?” I whispered to her.

  “Sleep.”

  “Nothing more?”

  “I have a few things in the works, but it’s a bit of a waiting game. See what grows from the leads I followed.”

  “The ones that wound up with you getting ahead in the game?”

  “Ha. No. Ones I started after I lost my head.”

  “So we’re in holding.”

  “I’m in holding. You should probably, do—”

  She stopped talking as Eliza and Priscilla came out of the inn.

  “Full,” Priscilla said.

  Eliza just got on her horse and got the beast walking. She looked angry.

  I followed along close.

  We repeated that process four more times, going farther along up the mountain into the truly bougie part of the city before we finally found a place that had rooms.

  It was a posh place. The Crossed Arms. Not the most evocative of names for an upper-class establishment, but what are you going to do?

  As soon as we rode up, stable hands ran over to us and held the reins to our horses. They were dressed better than I was. Two burly guards stood on either side of the front door, and they gave a cursory look over Eliza as she walked between them, then returned their gazes outward. It seemed a little odd that there would be guards outside; I hadn’t noticed that in too many places on my other visits to Osterstadt. Maybe something had happened in the city.

  Speaking of the city, it was starting to wake up. Being where we were, it was mainly people showing up to work in the homes of the rich and famous.

  Priscilla came out of the inn, and nodded at us.

  We had rooms.

  And what rooms they were. I mean, we’d stayed at a nice place the last time we’d been in Osterstadt, a place that owed Emeline a favor. But that place was pedestrian compared to here. Eliza had a multi-room set up, just for herself. A sitting room, a drawing room, a bedroom, and a small bathroom. I had a room off the sitting room, while Emeline and Priscilla shared a room off the drawing room. Easier for them to hop in and help their mistress when she needed to get dressed. I had brought Bear in with me, in my saddlebag. She’d made it through the fight without problem. Hell, I’m not even sure it woke her up. When she poked her head out of the bag, she looked around the room.

  “Nice digs,” she said.

  “Thanks for the help in the fight,” I said.

  “Hey, I’ve always got your bag.”

  “My bag?”

  She smiled, and leapt from the bed to the nightstand to the windowsill. It was still snowing out.

  “Am I staying in here?” she asked.

  “Would you prefer rooming with the other ladies?”

  “Of course.”

  I shook my head and opened the door, but stopped in my tracks when I ran into Eliza’s hand, poised to knock on my door. Bear, meanwhile, walked through Eliza’s legs and into the room.

  “Excuse me,” Eliza said. “I didn’t mean to disturb you.”

  “It’s no— we’re fine,” I said. “Bear is going to room with, uh, the others.”

  “That makes sense. What is it you would like to do?” Eliza asked.

  “As I see it, we’re looking at two main quests. One, finding and destroying this Master guy. Second, you teaching me how to actually be a duke. Are there things you’ve got on your, uh, social calendar?”

  “It will need to be announced that I am in the city,” she said, walking over to one of the couches and sitting down. She’d already changed from her travel attire and now wore a blue gown. “I’m sure it will be a bit of news that I am staying here, but that is gossip. A lady must make sure she is known to be in the city so she can be invited out formally.”

  “Are there, I mean, is there something you’re expecting to get invited to?”

  “The solstice is just around the corner, and there will be plenty of festivities around that date. And Fiend Night is just after that, and if Osterstadt is anything like Glaton, there will be no shortage of balls then.”

  “Fiend night?”

  She frowned and looked over at me like I was a fool. “Of course. Did, I hesitate and now I restate: let me say that we might want to limit what we say within these walls.”

  “They’ve got ears?”

  “It would not surprise me if they have eyes. Perhaps not quite yet, but as soon as news gets out about who is here, they will be watching. So it will not do to ask you about your history, nor to mention who you are. And perhaps we ask Bear to keep herself--“

  “Invisible?” a voice asked from right next to Eliza.

  Eliza sc
reeched and leapt from the couch.

  Priscilla came rushing out of the drawing room, a short sword in either hand.

  “Just me!” Bear said, revealing herself on the couch and putting her arms up. “I can be invisible if you need.”

  “Just like that?” I asked.

  “I mean, it’s a spell. Takes a decent chunk of mana to keep it running, but it’s not hard.”

  “So you can stay invisible full-time?” Eliza asked.

  “If I didn’t cast any other magic,” Bear said, then paused to think, “I could stay invisible for ten hours.”

  “And how easy are you to detect?” Eliza asked.

  “I’m fucking invisible. How— oh, you mean magically.”

  Eliza nodded.

  “I’m a fairy,” Bear said. “Unless someone knows to look for that style of magic, I’ll stay under the radar. Or, uh, I mean, I’ll be invisible and invisible.”

  “What is a radar?” Eliza asked.

  I looked over at Bear and raised an eyebrow.

  “Fairy creature,” Bear said. “Native to the Feedoheem. Unimportant.”

  “Right, well,” Eliza continued, “it is good to know the abilities we have at our disposal. And Master, uh—”

  “Montgomery,” I said.

  Eliza smiled. “Master Montgomery, do you have any additional skills you would like to let us know about?”

  “I think you’ve got me pretty well sorted.”

  “Miss Emily?” Eliza asked.

  Emeline looked through the door to the drawing room, peeking around Priscilla.

  “I’ve got some spells, and I can sneak around with the best of them,” Emeline said. “And I guess I’ll be answering to Emily.”

  “And you’ll be largely staying here,” Eliza said.

  “I know, I remember our talk,” Emeline said. “I’m too noticeable, blah, blah blah.”

  “As long as you know,” Eliza said. “Now, first thing’s first. We need to get calling cards out to certain respectable individuals in the city. Montgomery, you will visit the Viceroy first, and then attend to these.”