Four Beheadings and a Funeral

by Ugland, Eric

“Shall I burn the bodies?” the mancer asked, a little too eager.

  “No,” Léon snapped. “We need to keep them in this state so that the Colevilles can come see what their son became when they undoubtedly accuse us of murdering their first-born.”

  “Ah,” the mancer said, “makes a certain degree of sense. Though, you will want to separate the heads a bit more.”

  “Hey,” I said, “possible solution: just put the heads back on the bodies, and boom, they’re back to being vampires.”

  “Not exactly,” the mancer said. “It is more that they become, well, feral. Extremely violent and aggressive. It is highly unlikely they would return to their, uh, prime vampiric state.”

  “Oh. Yeah, that sounds worse. So let’s not do that.”

  “Although, I would like to see it. I’ve never seen the results of something like this. I’ve only seen vampires once before, so any amount of studying is absolute gravy for me.”

  “Calm down there, Bernardo,” Léon said. “No one is studying these corpses. They are going to be preserved overnight, or until such time as their families come to get them. We will just keep the heads separate.”

  The mancer shrugged, and made his way out of the room as if he had better things to do.

  “Put the boy in a cell room with a guard,” Léon said to the sergeant. “And keep someone here with bodies. I will escort Master Northwoods from the building.”

  The sergeant nodded, grabbed the kid by the collar, and hauled him to his feet. He pulled the kid out of the room and not so gently led him down the hall. A soldier stationed outside, peeked into the room.

  Léon pointed inside.”Make sure these bodies don’t move.”

  “Yes, sir,” Agrippa said, looking somewhere between confused and concerned. Regardless, he stepped inside the room and put his attention on the bodies.

  Then I walked out with Léon.

  He took me through the halls to the service entrance, and I saw some soldiers scrubbing the floor. I felt a little bad, but made sure not to say anything.

  Once outside, in the snowfall, we went a few yards from the entrance. Léon pulled his cloak around him tight, and shook his head.

  “This is a right mess you made,” he said.

  “I made?” I replied. “Me? I didn’t do anything. They tried to eat me.”

  “And you killed them.”

  “I did. What would you prefer? Leave them on the streets to eat other people?”

  “I would prefer if the sons of the wealthiest families in Osterstadt weren’t vampires.”

  “I mean, yeah. I’d prefer that too. But—”

  “But they were. And you did what you had to do. I understand that. I’m just trying to find my way through this mess, Montana.”

  “Montgomery.”

  “Yes. Right. Apologies, I am a little stressed.”

  “But at least we know what’s hunting people in the night? Right?”

  “Knowing we have vampires and not having vampires are quite separate things. And far apart.”

  “Okay, but aren’t there, like, things we can do to keep vampires at bay?”

  “Cutting their heads off seems to work pretty well.”

  “What about garlic?”

  “You want to eat them?”

  “I don’t think they’d taste very good—”

  “Hence the garlic,” Léon said.

  “I thought they were afraid of garlic.”

  “Why would they be afraid of garlic? Who would be afraid of garlic?”

  “I don’t know. Why would silver hurt them?”

  “Purity. Magical elementalism of silver.”

  “Okay, well, is there magic to garlic?”

  “Only in making sure first kisses don’t turn to second ones.”

  “Let’s forget garlic then. Running water?”

  “What?”

  “Isn’t that a thing? That vampires can’t cross running water?”

  He gave me a look like I was a fucking idiot.

  “Wrong on that count as well. I’m skipping over crosses, does sunlight even kill them?”

  “As far as I know, that depends largely on how long they have been turned, and how powerful they are.”

  “More powerful ones can day-walk?”

  “No, the other way around. The more power they have, the less light they are able to tolerate. But my knowledge of vampires is not exactly robust. Oddly, not a topic I’ve been fond of searching out. I tend to shy away from monsters; they tend to disrupt my delicate sensibilities.”

  “I can understand that. I can’t say that I’m super keen on monsters either. Despite, I mean, all the interactions I have with them. Usually pretty violent.”

  “You are good at violence though,” he said wistfully. “I am not. All of those skills seemed to go to my sister.”

  “I’m sure you’ve got plenty of good skills.”

  “I do, but they aren’t monster-based.”

  “Right, but that’s why you find people with those skills you don’t have. Like that monster hunter fellow. Is he on the way here? Or is he here?”

  “As far as I know, he is still in transit.”

  “Okay, well, then, what are we thinking as far as next steps here, vis-a-vis the Vampires?”

  “As much as it pains me, I’ll need to get one of my interrogators to chat with the young man in there, find out what he knows. And then, tell you, I suppose. In many ways, this issue depends on the spread of the curse. How many vampires we are dealing with. Have they infected most of the town or just some? Are these lads the first or the most recent? There are—”

  “You have interrogators?”

  “This is not a vacation post, Master Northwoods,” he said. “I have plenty of nefarious resources at my command. Did you not see the Legion awaiting my orders? They are soldiers, you know?”

  “I do know that.”

  “Yes, there are those who are skilled in the arts of interrogation who work for me.”

  “You’re not going to torture the kid, are you?”

  “No,” he said quickly, then paused, and looked away. “Probably won’t be necessary.”

  “He’s, like, thirteen.”

  “And he knows about the vampires who are, no doubt, busy feasting their way through my citizens. I would prefer to have those citizens alive and healthy rather than keep this boy’s innocence intact.”

  “Okay, that sounds vulgar.”

  “I didn’t mean it that way.”

  “Good.”

  “That said, I expect to speak to you on the morrow. I take it you are willing to be involved in Osterstadt’s eradication effort?”

  “Of course. It’s the whole reason I’m here.”

  * * *

  You have been offered a quest by Léon Glaton:

  Eradicate the Vampire Menace from Osterstadt

  Destroy the growing nest of vampires within the city of Osterstadt.

  Reward for success: XP, Vampire Slayer Indicium

  Penalty for failure (or refusal): Unknown

  Yes/No

  * * *

  Interesting timing for that quest. Gave me a little bit of a pause since I thought that was already the quest I was on. But no matter — I accepted the quest. I needed all the XP I could get, and I wanted to get my level up there.

  “Thank you, Montgomery. I fear what would be happening here if you hadn’t arrived.”

  “Things are definitely weird here.”

  “That they are,” he said. “And likely just getting weirder.”

  He patted me on the shoulder, and then walked back inside the Imperial House.

  I waited there a moment, just trying to let the world resume around me, and started, once more, back to the inn.

  Chapter Thirty-Four

  This time, I managed a walk through Osterstadt unmolested. No one followed me. No one talked to me. It was the rare, uneventful stroll. The night desk clerk looked up when I walked in, and gave me a quick once-over, but as soon as his eyes landed
on the Northwoods crest, he smiled.

  “Good evening,” he said.

  “Yeah, good evening to you,” I replied. We were the only ones awake in the downstairs area.

  “Is there anything you need?” he asked.

  “I’m good,” I said. “And, uh, my mistress is as well. Just, uh, heading up.”

  “Lovely,” he said, and returned to his book.

  I wondered, as I walked up the stairs next to the desk, if the security guards who’d been outside during the day were somewhere during the night as well. I hadn’t seen them anywhere. I made a mental note to check on that.

  Opening the door, I tried to be as quiet as can be, thinking I’d slip through the sitting area to my sleeping room and not bother anyone.

  Bit silly, considering Eliza and Priscilla were awake and playing cards at the table.

  Eliza looked over as I opened the door and smiled.

  “Ah, my bodyguard returns,” she said. “It was a most exciting display you put on for us on the wall fighting those, what were there?”

  “First or second?”

  “Second.”

  “Ghausegroux.”

  “Quite the beasts and the show, though I wish you’d been a bit more talkative during dinner.”

  “A dinner I didn’t really get to eat,” I replied.

  “To be honest, you missed little.”

  “I’m glad?” I said.

  I dropped onto the couch, and my unsheathed sword went right through the upholstery and stuck into the floor beneath.

  GG! You’ve killed a Couch (lvl 2 furnishing).

  You’ve earned 2 xp! What a mighty hero you are.

  Ha, game. Ha.

  “Shit,” I said, standing up and pulling the sword free. Feathers came with it, and fluttered around the room.

  “Honestly Montgomery,” Priscilla said, watching the feathers with a distinct frown on her face.

  “Sorry,” I said. “I didn’t— the sword is new.”

  “It would seem you need a scabbard,” Eliza said, and she put a card down on the table. “Also, Priscilla. I win.”

  Priscilla cursed under her breath and started gathering the cards up.

  I put the sword over by the door, where I could grab it if needed, and then sat back down on the couch. Which sent another, larger set of feathers out into the air.

  “Right,” I said, letting the feathers fall where they may, “just that sort of a day.”

  “Quite,” Eliza said, watching Priscilla deal the cards. “I’m sure you were looking forward to sleep, despite the fact you never actually seem to do it, but you are needed back home.”

  “Home?”

  “That place we were before here?”

  “Ah,” I said, finally realizing she wasn’t going to say Coggeshall out loud. “How do you know?”

  She mimed writing, and I wondered how she’d gotten a letter that quickly. And then it dawned on me that paired journals were a thing, and, well, that’s how.

  “I don’t suppose you know how I’m getting home?” I asked.

  She smiled, stood up, and handed me a slip of folded paper, then looked back at the table. “Were you dealing from the bottom of the deck?” Eliza asked Priscilla.

  “I would never,” Priscilla replied, and yet, she gathered the cards up and began shuffling them.

  I read over the paper. I was to get picked up from the top of the Zothys temple at the stroke of midnight. I moved over to the window and peeked outside. The clock on the other side of the street told me I was probably going to be late.

  “Shit,” I said, “I have to run. You know why I’ve been called home?”

  “Isn’t this your first scheduled check in with your chancellor and the like,” she asked, looking over her new hand. “Have you forgotten, or have you just been so enamored with Osterstadt you were hoping not to return to Coggeshall?”

  I snapped my fingers as I tried to jog my memory. It was entirely possible Nikolai and I had set up a schedule of returns trips to Coggeshall and I just hadn’t been paying attention at the time. In fact, it sounded like a very Nikolai thing to have done.

  Shit.

  “Fuck. I did agree to regular meetings. I had an interesting night out on the town,” I said, grabbing what things of mine I didn’t have on my person and getting ready to go.

  “Drinking or whoring?” she asked, still putting nearly all her attention on her cards.

  I blinked a few times, more than a little shocked by that reply.

  “I feared you’d been taken to celebrate another victory with the Legion. They are well-known for their ribald adventures.”

  “I was attacked by vampires,” I said. “I killed them. But now we know what the Master is. A fucking vampire.”

  Eliza looked stunned, eyes wide in disbelief.

  “Vampires?” she asked. “I don’t— I mean, it’s been quite some— are you sure?”

  I reached into my money pouch and pulled out the vampire fangs, then tossed them across the table. They rolled over to her like the worst set of grotesque novelty dice.

  “Pretty sure,” I said. “I’ll be back as soon as I can.”

  I stormed out of the room, snagging the sword on my way past, and pointedly ignoring Eliza’s calls to me.

  Chapter Thirty-Five

  I made it to the temple before midnight. Not much before, but it was before.

  While the easiest way to the roof might’ve been knocking on the door and climbing a bunch of stairs, I didn’t feel like being guilted into killing any undead in the crypts below just so I could stand on the roof. Instead, I climbed the walls. Which was a bit of a workout, but also, a bit of fun.

  Standing there, on the roof, in the snow and the wind, it occurred to me how much I wasn’t a fan of standing on high roofs in the snow and the wind. Partially because I was sure that if I didn’t have the sure-footed ability Art of Movement I’d have slipped off and splatted on the ground. Mainly because it was miserable hanging out up there, waiting for whatever was going to happen.

  What did happen was fucking terrifying. A huge fuck-off bird appeared almost on top of me, descending out of the clouds. Without stopping, he grabbed me with his big fuck-off talons and carried me into the night. Air Fritz. A terrible way to fly.

  Thankfully, after screaming at him for a bit (and biting him), he landed outside the city and let me climb on his back.

  I tucked myself down into his feathers as far as I could go, and then let myself slip into a fitful sleep.

  Chapter Thirty-Six

  I awoke while tumbling down from a roc’s back and onto the ground.

  Not the best way to wake up.

  I popped up on my feet easily enough, but I expected to be within the safe and comfortable confines of Coggeshall. And I was not.

  Instead, I was far to the north of our town walls, standing outside the construction taking place at the lake. In the time I’d been gone, a full-on work camp had sprung up. Rows of neatly-spaced tents lined the shore. Perfectly organized piles of supplies sat over to one side, next to a spot where those in charge had drawings pinned to a table, and could oversee the construction in the lake.

  Then there was the construction itself. A wall had been built all the way across the lake. Well, calling it a wall was a little, um, enthusiastic. Right now it was just a bunch of stone arches. But you could see what direction it was headed in: big-ass wall that let water through. I remembered Lee and the rest worrying over that — how to make sure the wall didn’t turn into a dam. We needed water to continue to flow, without providing a means for easy entrance by our enemies.

  I spotted Lee walking over to me with a canteen in one hand and what looked like a donut in the other.

  “Morning,” he said, squinting against the sunlight coming over the eastern mountains. “Didn’t think you’d get here quite so quickly.”

  “Fritz,” I said, brushing my pants off. “The dude makes quick work of travel. Is that a donut?”

  He held it up for
my inspection, and despite it missing a few bites, there was no mistaking it was, in fact, a donut.

  “Where’d that come from?” I asked.

  “Kobolds,” Lee said. “They follow directions remarkably well. I remembered this recipe from my favorite donut place in Fremont. Got to be enough of a regular that they gave the recipe, swore me to secrecy, but I think it’s probably okay to spread the secret here. Anyway, you give those kobolds a recipe, precise orders and the like, they do very well with it. Give them a little leeway for originality, that’s where things get, well, interesting. Either way, has me seriously excited to see what we’ll be able to build with them.”

  “I’m glad someone is excited about them.”

  “Give the locals a little more time. They’ll come around.”

  “Not to be, you know, a dick, but why am I here?” I asked. “I doubt it’s because you want me to bless your arches, cool though they may be.”

  “That’s just the start of things,” Lee said, a little annoyed.

  “I would hope so. Is it, I mean, is building going well?”

  “Well enough. I wouldn’t exactly choose to build in a lake — there are certainly more challenges doing things that way than, well, just about any other. But it’s reasonably flat and the stone is solid all the way down. Really hard stuff, hence why it hasn’t been eroded quite as much as the other stone around here.”

  “You mean by the water?”

  “Wind, water, whatever. The lakebed, once you get past the deep silt, is basically bedrock.”

  “That’s good.”

  “It’s good and bad. Good because it’s the right sort of stuff to make a foundation on, bad because it’s hard as all get out and it’s slow going. Even Essie has been hard pressed to work her geomancy on the stuff. Just doesn’t want to cooperate. But I think it’ll be worth it in the end.”

  “All this sounds fantastic. Just—”

  “I get it, my good lord duke. You’re not here to check on the fort, you’re here to see what’s on the other side of the fort.”

  “Shit.”