Four Beheadings and a Funeral

by Ugland, Eric

  I would have been really freaked out if someone answered. I was happy nothing did.

  Chapter Fifty-Nine

  I put the fire out, stamping on the carpet and avoiding the rather suspiciously large pile of ash in the middle of the room. Then, I took the time to pull each and every book off the shelves, and then I pulled the shelves down just in case there was something hidden behind them. There was: the wall. Not exactly the most interesting thing to be hidden.

  I peeked outside and gave a wave to my recuperating friends in the gazebo, and then ushered them inside the tower. It was getting legitimately cold outside, and I had a feeling that snow was on the way. I didn’t think my injured buddies would appreciate being left out in the cold and dark when they could just be in the dark.

  Once inside, I went over the fight.

  “Would have been nice to have some of his blood,” Bear said. “Trace his maker.”

  “He told me he was a thousand years old,” I replied.

  “Would have been nice to have his corpse,” Arno said.

  “You know what? Next time I’m incredibly outclassed by a thousand-year-old vampbeast,” I said, “I’ll stop fighting him and try to consider what you might need in your studies, and get that before killing him.”

  “I’d appreciate that.”

  “Sarcasm is wasted on you.”

  “Byproduct of extreme pain,” he said, sitting on the floor and leaning against the wall. Bear slid off him, and just laid down on the floor, staring up the ceiling.

  “Bah,” I said. “Yuri, do you have any magic bags that can hold, uh, loot?”

  He did a quick check of his pouches, and then picked one. “This will hold some.”

  “The books?” I asked.

  “I can try.”

  He went over to the pile of books, and knelt by them. I noticed that he was moving very slow. Very obviously injured.

  “Let’s just take a minute here,” I said, “recuperate until it’s light out. Then we make a break for the gates and get home.”

  “Is this an official invitation to join your dukedom?” Yuri asked.

  “Oh, he’s admitting to that now?” Arno asked.

  “Yes,” I said. “I am Duke Coggeshall. You are both welcome to join my holding if you so choose. Now I’m going upstairs.”

  I felt the twinge of sleepiness, and I tried to think when my last nap had been. When I’d been visited by the gods flying back from Coggeshall? That seemed an eternity ago. Still, more work to be done before I could get to a bed. But hopefully, the work was just looting. Which was always fun.

  The spiral stairs led to a landing and a door, but continued on up. This door was locked, and it looked remarkably stout. I figured there’d be something awesome inside. Treasure. That’s the sort of thing I’d put behind a door like that. But there was still up, so before I wasted a lot of time trying to get through the door, I decided I would see what else there was.

  Up and up, the stairs just seemed to keep going. The second floor, whatever it was, seemed to be quite large. Finally, though, I got to another landing, and a nicer door. I opened it, and found the Master’s boudoir, as it was. It was about as gross as you’d think the love shack of two vampires would be. And it appeared the maid had not been there in a hot minute. There was a bathtub by a window overlooking the city, and given the red hue to the tub, Lady Von Boeks must have returned to her habit of bathing in the blood of children. There was a very large bed with silk sheets. And then there were two coffins, currently open. A row of chests lined one section of the round wall, followed by three large wardrobes.

  I started by pulling the sheets off the bed. Then I flipped the mattress, and then the bed frame. All of that to reveal a single ring. I picked it up, and slipped it into my pocket. I was annoyed.

  As I opened each chest, I thanked the vampires for keeping them unlocked. Then promptly cursed the vampires when I found merely clothes inside. Mostly accessories. Boots, hats, belts. A large travel bag that was not at all magical. I could see all sides of it, and when I tried to force a large candlestick in it, the candlestick just stuck out. It did not disappear inside. I was annoyed.

  The wardrobes did not contain secret passages to other dimensions. They just had a rather luxurious selection of gowns and dresses. A few coats, some suits. No weapons, no jewels. Nothing. I was annoyed.

  The coffins were nice inside — I mean, as far as coffins go. But there was nothing in them besides the silk lining. I checked. I also threw them out the window. They crashed against the stone outside. I was marginally pleased.

  Back to the stairs again, which took me to the roof. Amazing view. Snow fell gently, and the clouds were so low I felt like I might be able to hit them with a well-thrown snowball. The city had quieted down immensely. Maybe it was finally sleeping.

  But I was irritated. I wanted loot. More than that, I wanted easy loot. I wanted—

  I realized I needed to check myself. And my notifications. I’d obviously gotten something from that fight.

  Huzzah! Against all odds, you have reached Level 29! You gain the ability Books of Blood. When you ingest blood of a creature, you are able to discern more about them, including revealing weaknesses or immunities. Dare to believe you can survive, and achieve greatness. Or don’t.

  Yeah! Level 29. Moving on up!

  I didn’t exactly know what to improve, but considering Mister Paul took every opportunity to tell me I needed to be growing, I figured I should talk to someone about a plan. And probably actually take their advice. Probably.

  I went all the way back downstairs and found two of my three companions were sleeping.

  Bear was still awake, but she hadn’t moved.

  “You doing all right?” I asked.

  “Just very low on magic,” she said softly. Maybe to keep from disturbing our buddies, maybe because that’s all she had to give.

  “Any way you can take some of mine?”

  “You would give it to me?”

  “I mean, we’re a team. Of course.”

  “I cannot take much, for you have different magic than me. And it might hurt both of us to do this.”

  “Would it be better not to?”

  “If you were human, this would be an easier question. A human can give magic freely to nearly anyone. But you, as a Fallen, I’m not sure what will happen.”

  “Can we, I mean, how do you recharge?”

  “Time and the sun. Yuri’s tracking spell is limited to a once-a-day thing, so each time we used it, I had to recharge him a day, so that took... a lot.”

  “I don’t know a damn thing about magic, but yeah, I’d guess so. Do you have any juice left?”

  “What is it you need, oh duke of mine?”

  “There’s a locked door, and I want to see what’s behind it.”

  “Did you seek a set of keys?”

  “From?”

  “You realize two people lived within this tower and would likely hold the means to unlock their own doors, right?”

  “I mean, they’re pretty much just char right now.”

  “Does a vampire burn hot enough to melt metal keys?”

  “I don’t know—”

  “Then maybe it is time to take a look, your grace.”

  She closed her eyes, and even though I don’t think she was going to sleep, she made her exit from our conversation quite clear.

  There were two distinct piles of ash, one larger than the other. I went to the big ash pile first, knelt down in front of it, and gritted my teeth. I reached into the pile. It felt slick. Oily, like it was sticking to my arms, and my arms and hands felt wet. Weird and gross. But at the bottom, along the stone, I brushed against something hard.

  I grabbed it, and pulled it out. The ash came away from my arm without leaving anything behind, and it was really odd because I was expecting my arm to be wet. I had my axe back.

  “Hey!” I said, and I held the axe up to show what I’d found.

  Bear gave me a very tiny thumbs up.


  I slid it into my belt, shaking my head at the ingrates behind me.

  Then, it was back into the pile.

  It was slow gross work, because anything smaller than the axe was both hard to find and to grab. Eventually I came away with three keys, six rings, two metal chains I couldn’t identify because they were black, an amulet, and a fork. The fork was certainly unexpected.

  The other pile of ashes only hid a ring.

  All of the rings and whatnot went into a pouch for later identification. It didn’t seem worth it to make Bear cast more spells right now so I could figure out what basic ring of protection I’d stumbled on.

  I took the keys to the door on the second floor landing, and tried them one at a time. Naturally, the third key was the one that fit.

  Immediately, I was hit by a veritable symphony of screams, cries, and other awful noises.

  I stopped in my tracks, and stared into the room.

  Cages hung from all over the ceiling. The room was practically filled with cages, and the cages were filled with women. Young women. I blinked a few times. They were all naked, as well.

  I suppose it made sense. What would a vampire value enough to keep behind a locked door? Food. I could see why they were young — more blood, healthier blood — but I didn’t really understand the whole naked thing.

  “Uh,” I said, “hello. I’m not a vampire. Just, sort of--“

  The screaming didn’t stop.

  “Hey,” I said, a little louder. “I am not a vampire, so--“

  More screaming. Some crying. A voided bladder, from the sound of it.

  “SHUT IT!” I shouted. “I AM NOT A FUCKING VAMPIRE!!”

  Quiet.

  Blessed quiet.

  “Okay,” I said. “The vampire is dead. I am the one who killed him. There are no more vampires around here. Okay? You guys are all saved and—”

  The crying started up. Which was, you know, obviously crying from relief, but more or less just as annoying.

  “I’m going to try and get you all out of the cages and see what I can do for you in terms of clothes and, you know, the like.” I looked over at the various mechanisms in place to keep the cages in the air. Fucking vampires. This was really fucking complicated. There were all sorts of hoists, pulleys, and tie-off points.

  “Just, uh, give me a minute.”

  Chapter Sixty

  It took longer than a minute.

  In fact, it took the rest of the night to get all of the women out. They were quite thankful, though, which meant no one got impatient. As the women were released, they started helping each other which sometimes that meant it went faster, sometimes they got in the way. So I just started sending each woman not in a cage upstairs to raid the lady’s belongings and get properly dressed so they could maybe last through a walk in the winter weather outside.

  Once downstairs, when all the women were freed, dressed, and counted, we had thirty-one. And they were all gorgeous. Whomever was responsible for stocking the Master’s pantry had exquisite taste in women. They stood there in relative silence, waiting for me to talk. I stood above them, on the staircase, trying to figure out what an appropriate speech might be.

  “Uh,” I started, ever eloquent, “I’m, uh, not sure where you are all from or what, uh, you are doing here. Or were doing here, because I guess I know what you were doing here, and I do apologize for that, even though I had no part in that. I guess I wish I had known, because I would have tried to save you sooner is what I probably should have said. But, you are, in fact, safe now, at least from the vampire, or these vampires because the city is free of them, I think. But if you don’t want to stay in Osterstadt, I totally understand, because things seem pretty nuts out there right now and you can all come and live with me if you want. Which did not come out right. I mean, I don’t mean you have to come live with me personally — just that I have a place where you can live, if you want.”

  Bear pinched my ear.

  “You suck at this,” she said.

  “Speeches have never been my strong suit.”

  “Tell them you are Duke Coggeshall and they are welcome to join your holding if they wish.”

  I repeated what she said, and they seemed to understand that. I noticed some translation happening between some of the women, which made me wonder how many of them were even from the Empire. And how had they gotten here if they weren’t from the Empire?

  Questions to be answered later.

  “For the time being,” I said, “I am going to leave, uh, here, with my comrades, and we are going to, uh, get out of Osterstadt.”

  I nodded, and started walking down the stairs.

  “Don’t you think you should have a plan for how we’re getting out of Osterstadt?” Bear whispered in my ear. She wasn’t invisible, but the ladies didn’t seem to care about her.

  “I was thinking I’d kill any guards who try and stop us,” I said.

  Yuri shook his head.

  “You got a better idea?” I asked.

  “Might be worth making a visit to the Legion’s barracks,” Yuri said. “Go as a big group with them. Take some shields and weapons. That might make the gate guards less willing to fight.”

  “Oh you and your willingness to find a non-violent solution,” I said.

  “Excuse me,” a woman said from rather close behind.

  I turned around and looked at her.

  She was young and pretty, though somewhat unremarkable as compared to the rest of the girls in the group.

  “Can I help you?” I asked.

  “I think we would all wish to come with you,” she said. “If you are willing to keep us safe. We have nothing to offer you, though, save our--“

  I put my hand up, and said: “There’s nothing needed. If you want to come, I will do my best to keep you safe. All of you. All I ask is that when we get to Coggeshall, you do whatever work you can to make the place better.”

  “And swear loyalty to him,” Bear added, pointing to me.

  Bear was looking better after a bit of rest. She even seemed to have gotten some of her sass back.

  “Yeah,” I said, “that’s usually part of the deal.”

  “I am prepared to swear now,” one of the ladies said.

  Then another, and another. I put both hands up and gave a shout.

  “I love the eagerness,” I said. “But the swearing ceremony takes place in the holding, and so we will wait until then, okay?”

  There was a palpable sense of disappointment around the room, but I didn’t want to get into a whole thing about swearing and loyalties and whatnot. Besides, I figured with what these women had just been through, they might need a little time to work through their shit before making such a big decision.

  “Let’s roll out,” I said.

  Chapter Sixty-One

  They say that plans last until first contact with the enemy. Ours lasted until we got to the base of the stairs. There, in the first rays of dawn, as I stepped out between the gate, a small army of men and women stood with arms and armor.

  “If you’re here for the vampires in the tower,” I said, “you’re a bit late.”

  “We are here for you,” called out a rather rotund man sitting in an open-air wagon.

  I recognized him right away. Theun Bottes, he merchant from The Explorer’s Club who had inadvertently funded the start of our holding. He was wrapped up in an impressive array of furs, looking rather irritated to be outside. And not eating.

  “Bottes,” I called out, “so nice to see you. Why the welcoming committee?”

  I moved forward a few steps, but waved to the group behind me to stay in the somewhat safe confines of the stone stairway. If it did come to fighting, we’d take away the numbers advantage if only two or three fighters could come at us once.

  As I moved forward, the soldiers there to get me reached for and readied their weapons.

  “It would seem you are an Imperial noble, yes?” Bottes asked.

  “That is the current rumor
,” I replied.

  “And the Imperials were behind our vampire infestation, yes?”

  “I think we all know that’s not true. The imperials, and especially me and my people, were behind cleaning up the infestation.”

  “I cannot say that I know either is true, to be honest. I can say that the list of individuals dead by your hand is quite long and distinguished.”

  “Funny, that’s what your mom said about my Johnson.”

  “I’m sorry?”

  “Your mom — you know what, forget the joke.”

  “Ah, yes. You are under arrest, Montana of Coggeshall. You have murdered many of the sons and daughters of our brightest families, robbing this city of our future. And you have given us the power we need to separate from this Empire of Tyranny.”

  “Murder? They were vampires.”

  “That is your word alone.”

  “Check the corpses.”

  “I have seen the corpses in your wake. They are young men and women—”

  A shout came from behind me, from the stairs.

  “He saved us!” one of the women called out.

  “Who are all these wenches?” Bottes asked.

  “Friends of mine,” I said. “Citizens of Coggeshall.”

  “Then they shall share—”

  “Yo, Bottes,” I shouted, interrupting his aggrandizing, “I think you’ve got some clue as to what I can do if I get violent. Hence all these soulless cowards around here trying not to wet themselves when I come too close.”

  To make my point, I walked farther out into the circle. Everyone moved back. Several heads turned to look at either their leader or at Bottes, to see if someone was going to order a charge. No one did.

  “So I’ll make you a little deal—” I started.

  “You are in no position to make deals, you sniveling worm,” Bottes said. “You—”

  “If you think I can’t make your insides become outsides before I get killed, you are dreaming.”

  His face went pale.

  “So, that’s my leverage,” I said. “I may not be able to kill everyone you’ve brought to fight against me —I think that’s probably even odds. But I can, for sure, kill you first. Now, my offer. I’ll go quiet. I’ll go with you and let your kangaroo court happen. But you let everyone else that’s with me leave the city. Right now. They get escorted to a gate and walked through with no harassment in the slightest.”