by Mia Pride
It was midday now and she longed to finally be back outside for the first time in a sennight. She would grab her bow from Alastar’s home, check in on him while she was there and offer to stay while he healed.
“I believe I will take a walk and check in on Alastar. We were both angry when I left, and he does not deserve to be alone in the condition he is in. I should still stay there until he recovers, nay matter how hard ‘twill be.”
Her papa nodded and stepped closer to her, wrapping his large arms around her in a strong embrace. “My wee lass is a woman full grown. Tis so hard to believe it sometimes. I still see you as a young lassie running around the village, challenging every lad to races and feats of strength. I have always admired your spirit, Lin, even if it drove me half mad many times.” He chuckled and released his grip just enough to look down into her eyes.
For a large man, he was always so gentle. “I am proud of you. You will be a mother soon and it will change you forever when you see that babe’s face for the first time. I know not what will come of your relationship with Alastar, but I am proud of you for being strong enough to do what is right and continue your care for him. A man has his pride and I know firsthand how being gravely injured can hurt a man in more ways than one. Having his wife walk out on him with his child now, of all times, is probably destroying him.”
She grimaced and felt guilt wash over her, tilting her head down. “I understand why you left, Lin. I am not scolding you but simply giving you perspective. You cannot stay with him forever if you cannot trust him, but if you can help him recover, keep him company and maintain a comradery for the child’s sake, it will serve you both well.”
She nodded at her father’s words of wisdom. He made fair points. Aye, she could do that. She could not forgive or forget how his interaction with Elwynna made her feel or the fact that he had made a wager about marrying her, but she could be mature and find level ground so the could get along once their child was born. “Thank you, Papa. And Mama,” she looked to her mother and gave her a shaky smile. ‘Twas a fine thing to have such wonderful parents. Alastar did not have parents, or any family for that matter. She was it… and she had left. That did not sit well with her soul.
With a wave and forced smile to her family, she left and decided to make her way back to Alastar’s home. It was time to do what was right, even if being in his presence made her heart ache with longing for what could never be.
Chapter Fourteen
A soft knock at his door had Alastar waking from his rather useless and fitful sleep. It had only been a few hours since Aislin walked out but it felt like a torturous eternity. He had said horrible things to her. He was heartbroken and angry, but insulting the mother of his child had been inexcusable. She deserved better, especially with the pain he had caused her.
In his current condition, all he could do was stare at nothing or try to sleep to pass the time. Maggie had stopped by soon after Aislin left and asked where she was. In his anger, he had seen fit to tell Maggie the raw details of his wife’s abandonment.
In retrospect, it had been even more unfair to Aislin than his previous insults to her. Aye, she had left. That was the truth. However, she had been willing to stay to care for him and he had chased her away. Still, when he told Maggie of his circumstances, he feared he made Aislin look more like the villain rather than the victim. His conscious sat even heavier than before. Maggie was her companion and Aislin did not deserve to have people believing her heartless.
The knocking at his door sent his heart aflutter. Perhaps Aislin had come back to him. He couldn’t fool himself into believing she would simply forgive him and decide to stay with him forever. He would have to work on proving his love for her once he could get out of this cursed bed, but mayhap she had decided to stay with him while he recovered.
He wanted to shout for the person to come in, but it hurt too much to speak loudly. Fortunately, the door slowly began to creak open. When blonde hair and blue eyes came through the door instead of red hair and green eyes, his heart plummeted again. “Elwynna?” he said softly from the bed. “Is that you?”
With a timid smile, she stepped inside and quietly shut the door behind her. Her hands were clutched in front of her nervously as she came closer. “Aye. Tis me. How do you fair?”
He wanted to tell her that he faired terribly and that most of his pain was concentrated in his heart, not his chest, but he decided against it. “I am as well as to be expected. Maggie says I am healing well with nay signs of infection, but I must lie abed at least another sennight.”
She nodded and signaled to the stool beside him, waiting for permission before she sat. He nodded, and she gracefully took a seat, even though she held her injured hip. “How is your wound?” he asked.
Waving his question away, she smiled. “Och, I am fine. Maggie has been most helpful and Àdhamh has done well to tolerate my constant presence,” she blushed slightly.
“They are good people. You are in fine hands.”
“Aye, I truly am. Especially since I expressed my wish to stay, and they never once hesitated to allow me to live with them until I can settle myself elsewhere. Alastar…” her voice grew low and serious. “I feel terrible. I hope you do not mind, but Maggie told me of Aislin leaving. ‘Tis all my fault. Your injury… your wife… I should never have sought you out.”
He grimaced at the tear leaking down her cheek. “None of this is your doing. You only meant to warn me of the attack and protect our people. You became a victim yourself,” he motioned to her still tender side and cocked a brow.
“Aye, but I did hope for more for us. I had hoped you and I could rekindle our relationship. I have never loved another and, I must admit, I was surprised to hear you are married. I never thought I would see the day.” There was a clear pain in her voice and in her eyes. He never wished to hurt her with his unreciprocated love, but there was naught he could do.
“Aye. It was a surprise to me, as well,” he chuckled. “I came over to Ráth Mór from Alba and when I first laid eyes on her… it was over for me. I knew she was it.” He felt bad saying such things to Elwynna, knowing they must hurt to hear, but he spoke the truth and hiding his love for Aislin was not possible.
“And I destroyed your marriage by showing up here,” she whispered, wringing her hands in her lap. Her long blonde hair was plaited neatly and draped over her right shoulder. It shone in the hearth fire like spun gold. She was a beautiful lass. What a shame she had held on for so long to a dream that could never be.
“Nay. ‘Tis not true. I ruined it. When I saw you after all these years, and you were injured, I lost my mind. It was like finding a long-lost sister and mayhap losing her the next moment. I was desperate to get you to safety. I showed you great care and tenderness. We both know how deep our past is entwined, and how close our friendship has always been. But to my wife who stumbled upon us, it looked like so much more. She heard you confess your… feelings for me,” he swallowed hard, remembering the moment clearly. “I told you I loved you, but not in that way. I told you I was in love with my wife.”
“Aye, you did. I knew then it was not meant to be between us and I accepted that, as painful as it was.”
“But she did not hear the entire words spoken. All she heard was me saying I loved you as well.”
“But… you must tell her all of it, Alastar! She will understand!”
He shook his head and grunted. “I have told her, Elwynna. But… ‘tis hard to explain. She never wished to marry. She is a wee spirited lass. We married for convenience, not for love… at least that is why she married me. I loved her long before that. Her family wished her to marry and many lads pursued her to the point of driving her mad,” he laughed.
Elwynna nodded. “She is a beauty. I can understand why. I know my cousin was in love with her.”
At the mention of Daniel, Alastar’s blood ran cold. “Aye. That bastard had been a thorn in her side, following her, threatening her, and telling lies about my loyalty to her
. It did not help this situation at all. He fed her poisonous words and, though she never believed them in the moment, seeing me holding you in my arms only made those words a reality to her. Our marriage of convenience was one she meant to leave after a year and a day. But, by the grace of the gods, she fell in love with me. I did not deserve her and yet, she blessed me with her love… and a child. Now she is gone. She believes it all a mistake to have trusted me, and I cannot blame her for what she feels. And all I can do is lay here like an injured fool and miss my wife.”
“I will tell her the truth,” Elwynna persisted. “I can make her see that you do not love me.”
He snorted at her innocence. “Och, you do not know my Aislin. She is stubborn and prideful. Naught you could say could change that. She needs to see my love, not hear of it. And I ruined it by putting the image of betrayal in her mind. Until I am healed, there is naught I can do to fix this, but when I am well again, I am going to pursue my wife like a hawk pursues his prey.”
“Good. I hope you do, and I will aid you in doing so. I only want for your happiness. In fact, I have come here to help you heal. If your wife is not here, you should not be alone. I will stay to make sure you are well.”
He shook his head fervently. “Nay. Nay, nay, nay. That will not do. I appreciate your concern, but if Aislin knew you were here, things would go very badly for me.”
“You cannot be alone here, and Maggie has other ill or injured men to tend to. I promised her I would be of use to her while I am living there. I must do something with myself or I will go mad.”
“Elwynna. You have a kind heart, always have, but this is a terrible idea. If you wish to help my situation with Aislin, the best you can do is stay away from here.”
Her brow dropped, and a sadness fell over her soft features. “Och, I do not mean that to sound cruel, but ‘tis the truth. Getting her to forgive and trust me will be long, hard work. I cannot fix that with you here.” He took her hands in his and squeezed. “I do hope you understand.”
She nodded. “Aye, I do. At least allow me to come by occasionally to make sure you are well, and change your bandage if Maggie is busy. I shall not tarry overlong. I’ll come simply see to your needs, and feed you. It’s the least I could do for all the trouble I have caused.”
He wanted to argue the point, but he understood that she had pride just as he did and her guilty conscious, though unwarranted, required her to do this. “All right, Elwynna. If it will make you feel better. But again, none of this is your doing. ‘Tis my fault for being a bastard to women all these years. Now my own wife cannot believe me capable of love and I suppose this is penance for my past.”
“That is nonsense, but I will leave it at that. My thanks for allowing me to be of some use to you.” She looked down at his wrapped wound. “Maggie did not yet change it for the day?” He shook his head and looked down. It had some dried blood on it, but otherwise looked better every day. “You need a clean dressing. I will tend to that and fetch you a meal. Then I will leave you be,” she said with a smile.
He nodded his agreement and pointed to the basket of clean linens and ointment Maggie had left at the foot of his bed. She stood up to retrieve the basket, then sat tenderly on the edge of the bed, gently unwrapping his soiled dressing. He winced as the dried blood pulled at the scabbed over wound, but knew it was an expected part of the process, even with ointment over it.
Elwynna winced at his pain and mumbled an apology as the last of the bandage came off, exposing what was certain to be a nasty scar. “I cannot believe my cousin would do such a thing to you after all we have lived through together,” she whispered as her face drew closer to his wound to inspect it.
“You would not find it hard to believe if you saw his lust for my wife. The man despised me.”
“Your wife shot him clean through the heart with her bow. I saw it all happen. She is quite a woman. I envy her.”
“You are quite a woman yourself, Elwynna. Never sell yourself short. You are kind, beautiful, loving, and loyal. You will make a fine wife someday,” he murmured as her fingers gently ran over his wound while she applied fresh ointment. Her head was bent low to his chest and he could feel her heavy breathing on his lower abdomen as she concentrated on the task.
“I am certain she will,” a familiar voice said coldly from the entrance of his home. Looking up quickly, he saw his wife, red with fury and fists balled at her sides. “I apologize for interrupting. In my foolishness, I thought to offer an apology for leaving you alone. I should have known that Alastar Mac Murray is never at a lack of lassies waiting to tend to him.”
The venom in her voice could not mask the obvious pain in her eyes. He grumbled and ran a hand through his hair. Why did he continue to get caught in the worst situations with Elwynna? And why was he always saying something to the lass that could so easily be misconstrued? He wanted to scream in frustration.
Elwynna hopped up off the bed and frowned. “Tis not how it looks, Aislin.”
Aislin rolled her eyes and walked toward her bed where her bow was resting against the wall next to her quiver full of arrows. “It never is what it looks like, according to my husband. Next I suppose I will find you sharing his bed and still, he will tell me ‘tis not what it looks like’,” she scoffed.
Aislin grabbed her bow swiftly and made for the door. “Lin… nay. Wait. She tells the truth!” Alastar once again felt desperate to convince his wife to stay and listen. He had been fortunate enough that she had indeed listened the first time, though he had not been convincing enough for her. He knew already that nothing he could do would make her stop and listen a second time. And yet, he had to try. “Please… Lin… she is only changing my dressing.”
“While you tell her how beautiful she is, and what a great wife she shall make,” she spat, shooting fire at him with her eyes. “You are the biggest arse I have ever known. And, I have known many. For a man who did not wish for a wife, you are quick to line up a new one now that I am gone.”
“Truly, that is not what he meant,” Elwynna attempted to defend him, but Aislin’s hard gaze turned on Elwynna, causing her to recoil and step away.
“It appears my guilt was misplaced. It also appears I was twice the fool to believe my husband was an honest man. I can see I am not needed here. I will send my father and brother to retrieve my chest of possessions. Fortunately for you, my child needs a father, or I am certain they would gut you.”
She was not wrong. He was quite certain King Garreth of Coraindt would not hesitate to cut him from throat to bollocks. But he was not concerned about his wife’s father or angry brother. His entire life was slipping away from him with every breath he took. Was this some twisted test from the gods? Sending him a woman he could love and cherish his entire life, and then putting him repeatedly into foolish situations to drive her away?
“Curse it, Aislin! Let me tell you the truth!”
“I know the truth. You love us both. I can see that.” Her voice was weak and filled with resignation. “You cannot help that you love us both. I know that, and I can see clearly that ‘tis best for me to step aside and give you the chance to work through whatever it is you two still have. You share a common history, one I can never be a part of. I cannot compete with that and I shall never try. Love is for fools and, though I have been made one by you, I shall never live as one.”
With those final words cutting deep into whatever tattered pieces remained of his heart, he watched, once again, as his wife left his home and took all that mattered with her.
“Oh, Al… I am so sorry,” Elwynna wailed as Aislin shut the door behind her. “I should have left!”
“I should have made you leave… but ‘tis done.”
Elwynna frowned and nodded, contrition consuming her features. Curse it all. He was a disease, spreading pain and hurt to all the women around him. Of all the women he had been with in his life, these were the only two he had ever cared about and Aislin was the one he ever truly had been in love with. He wa
s clearly inept at knowing how to be a husband. He supposed a good husband would not say the things he continued to say to Elwynna, but they both knew he meant them in kindness only. The truth, however, did not matter if his wife believed otherwise. He needed to shut his mouth and stay away from Elwynna.
Before he could explain to Elwynna that she needed to stay away from him completely, she nodded her head and quickly wrapped his wound before stepping away. “I shall leave. You will not see me anywhere near you again. I swear it.”
Swallowing hard, he bit his lower lip. That wasn’t what he wanted. He cared for Elwynna and enjoyed her company, but he knew it was necessary. Clearly, she knew it as well.
“My thanks,” is all he said in response. She walked away and shut the door, leaving him completely alone with his brooding thoughts.
Time past torturously slow as he thought of his wife and the pain in her eyes. He had done that to her. He was undeserving. If he were a better man, he would resolve to let her move on. But, apparently, he was not a better man, for all he could think about was getting out of this cursed bed and forcing his wife to listen. Aye… he would force her, if necessary. The lass was too stubborn, he knew that. He would have to hold her down, kicking and screaming, if he was going to make her hear him, and he would do just that… as soon as he was healed. There was no way he would let her go.
Little time passed before his door opened loudly, banging on the wall with a crack. “What is the matter with you, man? What have you done to my sister now?” Eoin growled as he came in, Jeoffrey following behind. Fortunately, Aislin’s father was not with them, and he breathed a sigh of relief for small blessings.
Eoin snorted. “I see the relief on your face. You should be very glad Aislin sent only me to gather her things. She is wise enough to keep this new affront away from our father’s ears, which is proof that she does still value your life.”