by Leah Shay
"I can't be your nurse anymore, Jared," I said, with a heavy heart.
"Please don't do that, Kyra. You will be causing more harm than good."
"I'm sorry, Jared," I said with regret.
"Kyra ...?"
"Please, don't fight me on this, Jared."
"Can I speak?"
"No, you can't!" I shouted at him. "You aren't listening to me, Jared."
"Kyra, can I have your permission to speak?" he asked calmly.
He had the power to make me change my mind. "You can go ahead."
He paused. "This conversation has made me realize how much control you have over me. Kyra, you have all the control. No one else would dare tell me 'No, I can't speak' and not regret it." He cleared his throat. "My life has been meaningless for the past six years. I went from one empty relationship to the next when I got bored or they wanted more than I was willing to give. Just now, I felt that you were going to tell me that it was all over, and I relived my worst nightmares, ten-fold. Nightmares I relive only in my dreams, and here I am, wide awake having one."
His voice deepened, filled with pain. "Nothing's worse than having a nightmare when you are wide awake ... after you realize that you are awake, that's when the true horror sets in, knowing that you will not wake up from this one. It's reality and this will be your personal hell, and I know what hell is," he said.
"I did not mean to put you through that, Jared."
"What if we lay off the heavy stuff?"
"Jared, I can't do this. Personal and professional relationships should not coexist; we are asking for trouble."
"Kyra, you are torturing me, please." I could hear the sadness in his voice.
"This is exactly what I'm talking about."
"What we have is a therapeutically intimate relationship."
"Whatever you want to call it, it is still unethical and inappropriate."
"Why is doing this so difficult for you, Kyra?"
That question I did not have an answer for, hard as I tried to produce a prudent one.
"We can have this conversation another time. I'll see you on Monday?" he inquired.
"See you then." I hesitantly hung the phone up.
The rest of my weekend was horrible. I felt terrible. I sulked around the house, and lay in bed watching nothing of consequence on television. I checked my phone numerous times hoping he had called, and on several occasions I typed him texts, but ended up deleting all of them. I missed him like crazy. Why was I putting us through such misery? If it was the right thing to do, why was it so painful?
.
Sunday morning, as I lay in bed feeling depressed and drained of life, not looking forward to the day, my phone rang. It was the hospital. I quickly answered the phone, wanting it to be Jared, but I knew otherwise. It was Amanda, my nurse manager. What was she doing there on a Sunday? Something must have happened. My first thought was they had found out about my relationship with Jared. I was in trouble. I'd broken the moral and ethical code, and the hospital policy, and I had to face the consequences. My heart raced and I waited for the axe to fall. This was the end of my career.
"Kyra, can you come in today and help us out?"
My mind was still racing with negative thoughts; Amanda's voice was barely audible.
"Kyra, I have no one else to ask."
"What's going on? Why are you there?" I asked Amanda.
"I've been here since four AM. We had a problem with one of our VIPs."
My heart stopped. To my knowledge, we had only one VIP on our unit. When I heard VIP, I immediately thought of Jared. So all I heard was, there was a problem with Jared, a problem so out of control it warranted her going in at four AM on a Sunday. Jared would have called me, but then again, after our last conversation, maybe he wouldn't. I had to think about what to say next, before my confused mind let me say something I should not.
I was so used to calling him Jared, I had momentarily forgotten his alias, and I could not say Jared, because the rest of the staff did not call him by his real name.
"What happened to our VIP in 825?" I asked Amanda.
"He is still there, but doesn't want to be bothered."
I breathed a sigh of relief.
"A patient fell last night and it just happened to be our chief nursing officer's grandmother, so it's a big thing." She sounded quite displeased with the situation.
"Why do you need me to come in today?" I asked.
I hope it's not to clean up your mess.
"We are understaffed and need help with admissions."
"I can do a few hours."
"That's all I'm asking. Thanks, Kyra. I can always count on you."
This was my chance to see Jared. That was the only reason I was going in to work. It was better than moping around the empty house all day. I got dressed in a pair of warm, toffee, slim-fit trousers, and a complementary floral, button front shirt, with a pair of comfy, beige, Timberland boots that I had paid way too much for.
I got out of the car, put on my white lab coat, and attached my name badge to it. This would be the first time I would see Jared after our taking it slow conversation. I was flustered, anxious to the point that my stomach felt queasy. Amanda was still on the unit when I got there.
"Can you help me with this analysis, Kyra?" Amanda asked when I peeked into her office.
"What do you need help with?"
"A root cause analysis for falls on our unit."
"Go home. I'll have it on your desk for the morning," I told Amanda.
That was all she needed to hear.
"If I leave now, I might be able to make it to church."
And she was gone.
For a Sunday, it was like a marketplace on the unit. I did a few admissions and was at the nurses station when the call light in 824 went on. The nurse was busy, so I went to the room to assist the patient to the bathroom and then exited the room. As the door closed behind me, Jared and a debonair, older man were leaving Room 826. If Jared was surprised to see me he did not show it, but I did. We stared at each other. It was the older man who broke the awkward stare.
He extended his hand. "I'm Liam Stern, Jared's father."
I tore my eyes from Jared's and placed my hand in Mr. Stern's extended hand. "It's a pleasure to meet you, Mr. Stern."
We shook hands.
He used Jared's real name.
"I've heard nothing but praise about this hospital. Thanks for taking care of my son."
"You're very welcome. Gentlemen, is there anything I can get for you?"
"We are just fine," Liam Stern answered.
"I ... I have to get back to work. Have a good day, Mr. Stern."
"It's been an honor to finally meet you," he said.
Finally meet me. What has he told his dad about me?
I glanced at Jared as he stood there on his crutches, his eyes piercing through me.
"Jared." I nodded his way.
"Kyra," Jared answered.
"Nice to meet you, Mr. Stern."
I glanced at Jared, then turned and walked away. I escaped into the office and attempted to work on that report for Amanda, but concentrating was impossible. I wanted so much to put my arms around him and nestle against his hard chest, and for him to reciprocate by taking me into his arms, holding me close, and whispering honeyed words in my ear, sending a course of emotions through me that precipitated the release of wetness from my v-jay. My mind was discombobulated. Nothing would be accomplished until I talked to him. Twenty minutes went by. I could not bring myself to make the first move; I hoped that he would be the first to initiate a conversation, but my phone refused to ring.
After continuous self-encouragement and refocusing my wandering mind, I was able to complete the report in three times the time it would normally have taken me. I thought coming in to work would have been a good idea - a chance for me to see him, and put an end to my miserable weekend. Seeing him earlier made me realize I couldn't fight my feelings for him anymore. Hard as I tried, I missed hi
m and I was miserable. Deep down inside me, I was uncertain about this relationship, feeling that it was not meant to be, but forces greater than I would not allow me to do the right thing. I had broken hospital policies. I was doomed. He lived a very public life and eventually this relationship would be on the cover of some magazine. As Aunt Maggie said, anything that was done in darkness would come to light. When that happened, I would lose everything.
I did what I came in to do. It was time for me to go home. I pressed the call button on the elevator. The elevator doors opened and closed, but my feet would not move to carry me into it. I pressed the button again. The elevator came and went.
"Ma'am, are you all right?" security at the desk asked.
"I'm fine, thank you," I answered.
I'd better do something, before the security guards took me to the psych unit.
I looked down the hall toward Room 825 and turned in the only direction my legs would take me. I opened the door to the sitting area and J.C. was there on his computer. He looked up when the door opened.
"Hi, Kyra," J.C. said.
"Hi, J.C. Can I go in?"
"Sure."
"How is he doing?"
"As expected," he answered, and returned to his computer.
Nervousness overtook me, so it was with great trepidation that I entered Jared's room. As quietly as I could, I opened the door and closed it behind me. Jared was lying in bed, headsets on, eyes closed. A worry frown was etched across his forehead, creasing his beautiful face. He was in his usual tight white tee and basketball shorts. I sat on the chair next to his bed, not wanting to wake him up. I could watch him sleep all day. J.C. was in the sitting room; so I knew we would not be disturbed, but I did not want to overdo it. I gave him a gentle kiss on his forehead to smooth his worry line, and a faint smile formed on his lips. I picked up my handbag and turned to leave.
"Are you leaving already?" Jared asked as he removed the headset and placed it on the bed above his head.
"You weren't sleeping?"
"I knew you were here the moment you came through that door."
He reached for my hand and I sat on the side of his bed.
"What took you so long?" he asked, relieved that I was there.
"Would you believe I made it to the elevator, but could not get on?"
"Why?"
"My heart would not allow my feet to get on."
We stared into each other's eyes; my heart fluttered like a butterfly in my chest. I was surrounded by a highly magnetized current; the outside world was an insignificant matter. We were in our own world. I felt the pull toward him. My lips hovered above his, fighting the uncontrollable pull, resisting the deep carnal desire to capture his sweet lips with mine. His eyes begged me to kiss him. He licked his lips sensually. I closed my eyes and inched closer until our lips met. I planted small, tender kisses over his lips. His lips parted and I took his upper lip between mine, gently pulling on his lip. His arms came around me, squeezing me tightly into him. His warm, sweet tongue entered my mouth; the tip of his tongue met mine and brushed around it. He explored my mouth with his tongue, kissing me deeper, so magical, and superbly enticing; the electricity that surrounded us activated every cell in my body.
My body was alive; it was a live wire, coursing with energy from my head to the soles of my feet. The aching in my pelvis was unbearable. I felt myself getting wetter and wetter and resisted the urge to touch myself or, better yet, have him touch me. As he pulled away, he lightly sucked on my lip; our lips parted and he groaned. His eyes were closed and his face was etched in pain as he fought his emotions.
"Babe, are you okay?" I asked.
He smiled slightly, "Remember, we are taking it easy."
"This is too heavy for you?"
"Not if you want to take it to the next level."
"No, we can't." I pulled away, my body still aching for him.
"I've missed you so much," he said, as his fingertips lightly stroked my cheek. "I've been so miserable."
He slid his finger across my lips.
I kissed the pad of his finger. "Why didn't you call?"
"Waiting on you to."
There was a knock on the door.
My heart skipped a beat. It was J.C.
"Jay, the nursing supervisor was here to see you," J.C. said.
"Get rid of him; we do not want to be disturbed," Jared told J.C., his eyes not leaving mine.
"I think I should leave. I should not be here." I was scared of getting caught.
"Where else would you rather be?"
"Jared, the nursing supervisor is outside those doors. Can you imagine the trouble I would be in ..."
"Shh." He placed his finger over my lips.
"Lie next to me."
"No." I shook my head.
"Please, lie next to me. I promise, no one will bother us."
I was scared, but I believed him. I trusted him whole-heartedly when he said I would not get caught. Reluctantly, I lay next to him. His arm came around me and pulled me closer to his hot, hard body. I rested my head on his chest; my hand outlined his sculptured, well-defined chest.
I was such a hypocrite. On numerous occasions, I'd told loved ones to get out of a patient's bed. Not only was it a safety issue, but it was so inappropriate. Yet, here I was, curled up next to Jared in his hospital bed!
He buried his nose in my hair and took a deep breath; I was so glad I had washed my hair that morning.
A piano and cello musical piece sounded from his headset above our heads. How could he listen to this? It was a dark, atmospheric, melancholy, depressing, classical piece that made me want to cry for no reason. I envisioned eerie, dark clouds looming in the sky, walking through a fog covered forest, with tall, dark trees looming around as the fog rose around me. It sent chills down my spine.
"What are you listening to?" I inquired.
"Sir Edward Elgar Cello Concerto II. Lento. I like the darker side of classical music."
"That's depressing ... I'm sorry. I like the lighter, romantic, contemporary side of classical music."
The haunting sounds of the cello suddenly stopped. Rachmaninoff's "Rhapsody on a Theme of Paganini" filtered from the headset. He disconnected the headset and the relaxing sound of the piano filled the room.
"That's one of my favorite romantic pieces," I said.
"He is considered one of the best piano players who ever lived, and the last well-known romantic composer," Jared explained.
Whenever I heard that musical piece, no matter how down I was, it took me back to a place that had always brought me true peace and happiness. A quiet island, with perfect white sand. Staring out to sea, I watch the waves come to shore and lap at my ankles. The calming, soothing sound of the ocean, the feel of the wind on my face, the cloudless, blue sky above me, the fresh scent of the salty ocean that was my perfect place.
"Truth or dare?" Jared asked, as he played with a lock of my hair.
"Are we still playing this game?"
"I'm waiting on an answer."
"Truth," I answered. Our compromising situation did not call for a dare that I might be all too happy to follow through on.
"Why haven't you been with anyone in eight years. You are a young, beautiful woman. There must have been a great deal of men falling at your feet."
"Not that many. My friend, Jenn, said I intentionally make myself very unapproachable."
"How often do patients come on to you?"
"Not often."
"I find that very hard to believe."
"I have never been interested in any of my patients and never imagined being involved with a patient. I know too much about them - more than I need to know. You are the first patient that I was not able to maintain a professional relationship with. I had no problem previously maintaining my power."
"Once in the hospital, patients lose all their inhibitions. Patients forget to take care of themselves the way they do at home. Daily hygiene is neglected; they don't brush their teeth or take a
shower, and they walk around in hospital gowns with their butts and everything else hanging out. They become totally helpless and incapable of taking care of themselves. I had a patient who told me I needed to come in and check on her every thirty minutes because she could not lift her hand to press the call light if she needed something, and this was a lady with two perfectly healthy hands."
"Why did you shut yourself off?"
"I refuse to get hurt again. I do not want to relive the pain of ... betrayal."
I lay encapsulated, safe in his strong, protective arms. Jared's cologne, the full, smooth scent of floral mixed with amber and sandalwood balanced with masculinity, floated through my nasal passages and lulled me into a quiescent mood.
"Are you wearing Clive Christian No. 1?"
"Does it bother you? I remember the first time we met ..."
"No. I'm fine."
"It's my favorite cologne; I wear it when you are not here."
I remembered that first night we met and how, as I had leaned over him to straighten his pillow, that scent had caught me off guard and my reaction to it had been morbid.
"Can I ask why you reacted the way you did that night?"
"My ex wore it, and it haunted me for months after he passed; it seemed like everywhere I went I could smell him and then after so many years, there it was again. It brought back a flood of memories, most of which I wish to forget. But I'm good now. I like it on you. Your personal flavor makes it deliciously different."
The fear of being caught in bed with a patient by my nursing supervisor was a less worrisome situation. An act that could have me fired and probably have my license taken away was an inconsequential concern. I'd never felt more safe, protected, and wanted. The concrete wall that I had built to shield and protect my heart had crumbled, and I was not even aware when it had actually happened. It was an effortless surrender and Jared Stern had inhabited my heart.
I turned over in bed, unaware of where I was. I could smell Jared on the pillow. Then it all came back to me; I was lying in his hospital bed alone. I turned to find Jared seated on the bedside chair. His eyes were a dull shade of brown, void of my favorite green and reddish orange. They were fixed on me, deep in thought, a perturbed look on his face.