Breathless

by Maya Banks

  “Kelly? Kelly, honey, where are you?”

  Not waiting for an answer, he hurried into the bedroom to see her sitting on the edge of the bed, her face pale and drawn in pain. When she heard him, she looked up and he winced at the dullness in her eyes.

  She’d been crying.

  “I thought I could do it,” she said in a raw voice, before he could beg her forgiveness. “I thought I could just go on and forget and that I could accept others thinking the worst of me as long as you and I were okay again. I did myself a huge disservice.”

  “Kelly…”

  Something in her look silenced him and he stood several feet away, a feeling of helplessness gripping him as he watched her try to compose herself.

  “I sat there tonight while your friends and your mother looked at me in disgust, while they looked at you with a mixture of pity and disbelief in their eyes. All because you took me back. The tramp who betrayed you in the worst possible manner. And I thought to myself I don’t deserve this. I’ve never deserved it. I deserve better.”

  She raised her eyes to his and he flinched at the horrible pain he saw reflected there. Then she laughed. A raw, terrible sound that grated across his ears.

  “And earlier tonight you forgave me. You stood there and told me it no longer mattered what happened in the past because you forgave me and you wanted to move forward.”

  She curled her fingers into tight balls and rage flared in her eyes. She stood and stared him down even as tears ran in endless streams down her cheeks.

  “Well, I don’t forgive you. Nor can I forget that you betrayed me in the worst way a man can betray the woman he’s supposed to love and be sworn to protect.”

  He took a step back, reeling from the fury in her voice. His eyes narrowed. “You don’t forgive me?”

  “I told you the truth that day,” she said hoarsely, her voice cracking under the weight of her tears. “I begged you to believe me. I got down on my knees and begged you. And what did you do? You wrote me a damn check and told me to get out.”

  He took another step back, his hand going to his hair. Something was wrong, terribly wrong. So much of that day was a blur. He remembered her on her knees, her tear-stained face, how she put her hand on his leg and whispered, “Please don’t do this.”

  It made him sick. He never wanted to go back to the way he felt that day, but somehow this was worse because there was something terribly wrong in her eyes and in her voice. “Your brother assaulted me. He forced himself on me. I didn’t invite his attentions. I wore the bruises from his attack for two weeks. Two weeks. I was so stunned by what he’d done that all I could think about was getting to you. I knew you’d fix it. You’d protect me. You’d take care of me. I knew you’d make it right. All I could think about was running to you. And, oh God, I did and you looked right through me.”

  The sick knot in his stomach grew and his chest tightened so much he couldn’t breathe.

  “You wouldn’t listen,” she said tearfully. “You wouldn’t listen to anything I had to say. You’d already made your mind up.”

  He swallowed and closed the distance between them, worried that she’d fall if he didn’t make her sit. But she shook him off and turned her back, her shoulders heaving as her quiet sobs fell over the room.

  “I’m listening now, Kelly,” he forced out. “Tell me what happened. I’ll believe you. I swear.”

  But he knew. He already knew. So much of that day was replaying over and over in his head and suddenly he was able to see so clearly what he’d refused to see before.

  And it was killing him.

  His brother had lied to him after all. Not just lied but he’d carefully orchestrated the truth and twisted it so cleverly that Ryan had been completely deceived.

  Then she turned, her beautiful eyes haunted, defeated. “It doesn’t matter if you believe me anymore,” she whispered. “You wouldn’t believe me when it mattered. He tried to rape me. He assaulted me. He touched me. He hurt me. And when I fought him off and told him that I would tell you what he’d done, he told me he’d make sure you never believed a word of any of it.

  “And you know what the funny thing is? I told him he was wrong. I told him that you l-loved me and that you would make him pay for hurting me.”

  She broke off as another sob racked her.

  Oh God. Oh God. What had he done? He remembered the phone call from his brother as though it was yesterday. He hadn’t believed him. At first. Not until Kelly had arrived in an agitated state telling him the exact same story that Jarrod had just told him over the phone.

  “He told you the truth,” Kelly said scornfully as if she’d plucked the thoughts right out of his head. “He told you exactly what happened, only he said that it was all a lie, that I made it up because I didn’t want you to know what really supposedly happened. He wanted to make sure that when I ran to you and told you what happened that you wouldn’t believe a word. And how better to do that than to tell you that I would claim to be attacked, that I’d claim he tried to rape me.”

  Ryan stared at her in horror as the realization of what had really happened that day hit him.

  “And sure enough. I run straight to you and tell you that your precious brother just tried to rape me and you look at me with those cold eyes and call me a liar. All because he told you that’s what I’d say.”

  “Did he?” Ryan asked in a near whisper. “Did he rape you, Kelly?”

  “He touched me. He touched me in a way that only you were allowed to touch me. He hit me. He bruised me. Isn’t that enough?” she asked in a hysterical voice. “The irony in all of this is that you were so worried I was pregnant with his baby. We never had sex though God knows he tried.”

  She broke off again and buried her face in her hands. He wanted to go to her, take her in his arms, but he was afraid that just as he’d rejected her before, so would she reject him now.

  She yanked her hands down, her face ragged and ravaged by grief, the same grief that was tearing through him.

  “I should have been able to come to you,” she whispered. “Of all the people in the world, you should have been the one to believe in me. And I just can’t get past that. You should have been the one to hold me and tell me it would be all right. I was so excited that day. I took a pregnancy test that morning and found out I was pregnant. I was so excited and nervous. So worried about how you’d react. But so thrilled that I was pregnant with your child.”

  She broke off again, sobs tearing from her throat. She buried her face in her hands as her shoulders shook violently.

  “Kelly, I’m so sorry. I thought… He was my brother. I never considered he would do something like that. He’d never shown any animosity toward you. He’d never been anything but accepting of you. The two of you seemed to get along well. I never dreamed he’d do something that despicable.”

  She raised her head and stared at him with dull eyes. “But you thought I would.”

  The sudden silence was damning. He stared at her, completely frozen. He had no defense because at the time he’d believed Jarrod. He’d made his choice and it hadn’t been Kelly. Even when she’d begged him. She’d told him the truth. She’d come to him for protection. She’d come to him hurt and afraid. And he’d thrown her out after making her feel like a whore. All because he couldn’t imagine his own flesh and blood committing such an atrocity. It had appeared to him that it was everything Jarrod said it was, a ridiculous accusation to hide the sin of her infidelity.

  His eyes burned. His throat swelled and knotted. For the first time in his life he was faced with a situation where he had no idea what to do. She had every right to hate him.

  She put a hand to her head and rubbed. She swayed and then bent over as if she was about to fall. “Kelly!”

  He went forward, but she jerked upright again and thrust out a hand to ward him off.

  “Just stay away,” she said in a low, desperate voice.

  “Kelly, please.”

  It was his turn to beg. A
nd God, he would. He’d do anything to make her stay long enough that he could make it up to her.

  “I love you. I never stopped loving you.”

  She lifted her gaze again, her eyes drenched with tears—and pain. “Love isn’t supposed to hurt this much. Love isn’t this. Love is trust.”

  He moved forward again, so desperate to hold her, to offer the comfort he had denied her when she’d needed him most. Anger and sorrow vied for control. Grief welled in his chest until he thought he might explode. Rage surged through his veins like acid.

  She put her hand to her head again and started to walk past him. He caught at her elbow, anything to stop her, because he knew in his heart she was going to walk away. He didn’t deserve a second chance. He didn’t deserve for her to stay. He didn’t deserve her love. But he wanted it. He wanted it more than he wanted to live.

  “Please don’t go.”

  She turned back to him, sadness so deep in her gaze that it hurt him to look at her. “Don’t you see, Ryan? It can never work for us. You don’t trust me. Your family and friends hate me. What kind of life will that be for me? I deserve more than that. It’s taken me long enough to figure that out. I settled again, when I swore I’d never do it. I agreed to marry you. Again. Because I was so in love with you and I believed that we could move forward. But I was a fool. Some obstacles are insurmountable.”

  She closed her eyes as another spasm of pain crossed her face. And she swayed, her hand flying out to brace herself against the dresser.

  “Kelly, what’s wrong?” he demanded.

  She rubbed her hand across her brow and opened her eyes, but her stare was unfocused. “My head.” A sound like a whimper escaped her and he knew that something was wrong. Something beyond the emotional distress she was experiencing.

  Her face took on a gray pallor that alarmed him. Panic flared in her eyes and just for a moment she looked to him for help.

  Before he could react, her knees buckled and she slid soundlessly to the floor.

  CHAPTER SIXTEEN

  “Kelly!”

  Ryan dropped to the floor. His immediate reaction was to gather her in his arms, but she was rigid and her body convulsed. Light foam gathered at her lips and her jaw was tight. Frantically he reached for his phone and clumsily punched 911.

  “I need an ambulance,” he said tersely. “My fiancée. She’s pregnant. I think she’s having a seizure.” He knew he didn’t make sense. His heart and mind were screaming even as he tried to stay calm. The 911 operator asked questions and he answered them mechanically as he leaned over Kelly, desperate to help her.

  After a moment her body went slack and her head lolled to the side. He put his fingers to her neck, praying that he’d find a pulse. He laid his head over her chest, listening and feeling for air exchange.

  “Don’t leave me, Kelly,” he whispered desperately. “Please hang on. I love you so damn much.”

  He lifted her limp hand, the one that bore his ring and pressed her palm to his cheek. He kissed the skin, his breaths coming in ragged, silent sobs. He’d never been more scared in his life.

  The minutes dragged to eternity. The operator continued to ask him questions and offered him encouragement. But Kelly remained unconscious and the longer she lay there, still, on the floor, the more his panic and sense of helplessness grew.

  After what seemed an interminable wait, he heard the EMS crew call out from the door.

  “In here!” he called hoarsely.

  They hurried in, motioning him away from Kelly as they began to administer care. Through it all, Ryan stood there numbly, watching as they lifted her onto a stretcher and hurried toward the elevator.

  He followed behind, whispered prayers falling from his lips. They loaded her onto the waiting ambulance and he climbed in behind her.

  Halfway to the hospital, he pulled out his phone but then stared blankly down at it. Who would he call? There was no one. Cold fury iced his veins. The very people he’d trusted—especially his brother—had acted unforgivably. Until now he’d never really experienced true hatred.

  He buried his face in his hands and willed himself not to lose his composure. Not now. Kelly needed him. He hadn’t been there for her before. He’d already made the mistake of abandoning her when she’d needed him the absolute most.

  Now he’d die before he ever allowed her to think she wasn’t the most important thing in the world to him.

  * * *

  Ryan stood listening to the doctor tell him that Kelly’s condition was indeed serious. She was on a magnesium sulfate drip to lower her blood pressure and prevent future seizures, but if she didn’t respond in the next few hours an emergency C-section would have to be performed.

  “And the risks to the child?” Ryan croaked. “It’s too soon, isn’t it?”

  The doctor gave him a look of sympathy. “We won’t have a choice. If left untreated, both mother and child could die. The only cure for eclampsia is delivery of the baby. We’re doing tests to determine the lung maturity of the baby. At thirty-four weeks’ gestation, the child has a very good chance of survival without complications.”

  Ryan dug a hand into his hair and closed his eyes. He’d done this to her. She should have been cherished and pampered during her entire pregnancy. She should have been waited on hand and foot. Instead she’d been forced to work a physically demanding job under unimaginable stress. And once he’d brought her back, she’d been subjected to scorn and hostility and endless emotional distress.

  Was it any wonder she wanted to wash her hands of him and his family?

  “Will…will Kelly be all right? Will she recover from this?”

  He didn’t realize he held his breath until his chest began to burn. He let it out slowly and forced himself to relax his hands.

  “She’s gravely ill. Her blood pressure is extremely high. She could seize again or suffer a stroke. Neither is good for her or the baby. We’re doing everything we can to bring her blood pressure down and we’re monitoring the baby for signs of stress. We’re prepared to take the baby if the condition of either mother or child deteriorates. It’s important she remain calm and not be stressed in any way. Even if we’re able to bring down her blood pressure and put off the delivery until closer to her due date, she’ll be on strict bed rest for the remainder of her pregnancy.”

  “I understand,” Ryan said quietly. “Can I see her now?”

  “You can go in but she must remain calm. Don’t do or say anything to upset her.”

  Ryan nodded and turned to walk the few steps to Kelly’s room. He paused at the door, afraid to go in. What if his mere presence upset her?

  His hand rested on the handle and he leaned forward, pressing his forehead to the surface. He closed his eyes as grief and regret—so much regret—swamped him.

  Finally he opened the door and eased inside. It was dark with only a light from the bathroom to illuminate the room. Kelly lay on the bed, a vast array of medical equipment on either side of her.

  He approached cautiously, not wanting to disturb or upset her. He hovered by her side, staring down at her pale face. Her eyes were closed, but her brow was creased, whether in worry or pain he wasn’t sure. Maybe both.

  Her chest barely rose with the shallow breaths. Suddenly, everything that had happened tonight caught up to him in one painful rush. Never. Never would he forget her grief-ravaged face as she bitterly told him what his brother had done to her, what she’d tried to tell him months before. But he hadn’t listened then. He’d been convinced she was lying.

  He pulled up a chair so he could sit as close to her as possible while she slept. Tentatively, he slid his fingers underneath the hand that didn’t have an IV attached and he brought it to his lips, holding it against his mouth.

  “I’m sorry, Kell,” he said brokenly. “I’m so damn sorry.”

  * * *

  “Ryan. Ryan, man, wake up.”

  The whisper stirred Ryan and he opened his eyes and groaned at the monster crick in his neck. D
aylight streamed through the blinds on the window and he winced.

  His gaze first found Kelly, who was still sleeping, her cheek resting on the mound of pillows. Her bed was elevated slightly so she wasn’t lying flat and some time recently her IV bag had been replaced because it was now full.

  Then he turned, his hand going to rub the kinks in his neck. Devon was standing next to the chair Ryan had slept in, his eyes dark with concern.

  “What the hell happened?” Devon said in a low voice.

  Carefully, Ryan stood, not wanting to risk waking Kelly up. He motioned for Dev to follow him outside the hospital room. When they walked out, Ryan saw Cam shove off the wall, his eyebrow arched in question.

  “What are you two doing here?” Ryan asked with a frown.

  “Last night was tense,” Devon said. “We tried to call you but couldn’t get you so we went by your apartment. Your doorman told us that Kelly had been taken to the hospital by ambulance so we came over to see if she’s okay.”

  Ryan closed his eyes as his throat knotted all over again.

  “Whoa, man, you need to sit down,” Cam said. “Have you eaten?”

  Ryan shook his head.

  “Want to tell us about it?” Dev prompted.

  Ryan stared at his two friends and emitted a harsh laugh. “How do you explain that you’ve made the worst mistake of your entire life and you’re not sure you can ever make amends?”

  “That bad, huh,” Cam said.

  “Worse.”

  “Is Kelly going to be all right?” Dev asked. “And the baby?”

  “I wish I knew. They might have to deliver the baby early if her blood pressure doesn’t go down. I did this to her. She’s lying in a hospital bed because I wasn’t there for her or my child. What kind of a bastard does that make me?”

  Cam and Devon exchanged glances.

  “Look, granted I don’t know the whole story, but I’d say that you aren’t solely to blame for the problem,” Devon said carefully. “My brother assaulted her,” Ryan said as rage flooded him all over again. “He tried to rape her and when she fought him off, he called me with an ingenious story. He claimed they slept together but when he told her it was a mistake, she threatened to tell me he tried to rape her so I wouldn’t break up with her for cheating on me. So of course not half an hour later when she shows up at my office telling me exactly what my brother said she would, I didn’t believe her. Because I couldn’t imagine my brother, the brother I all but raised, doing something so despicable. And when she begged me, when she got on her knees and pleaded with me to believe her, I wrote her a check and told her to get the hell out of my life.”