Starship Grifters (A Rex Nihilo Adventure)

by Robert Kroese

  “That’s it!” I said. “Ted knows! Because Ted is GNT! He’s the one who—”

  “Sasha?”

  “I think I had it. What was the last thing I said?”

  “You said Ted is GNT.”

  “Right! Go get Ted. I need to ask him some questions.”

  * * *

  7 Not true, but technically not a lie, since I knew that Rex knew I didn’t believe it. My prohibition on lying applies only to untrue statements spoken to a person with the attempt to deceive that person. There are, in other words, a lot of loopholes.

  CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

  The Chaotic Equilibrium ultimately controls everything,” Ted intoned. “The Chaotic Equilibrium binds us together and tears us apart. The Chaotic Equilibrium creates and the Chaotic Equilibrium destroys.”

  “Wow,” said Wick, nodding. “That’s kind of awesome.” Wick had summoned Ted to the reactor from the kitchen, where he had been helping Fingers slice tomatoes.

  “So, Ted,” I began, “or should I say Gleem Nads-Tardo?”

  “Ted is fine,” said Ted, smiling.

  “When you say ‘Chaotic Equilibrium,’” I continued, “you’re talking about the balance between order and entropy, right?”

  “Of course,” Ted replied. “Chaos is just another word for entropy. The universe seeks a balance between chaos and order. The Chaotic Equilibrium.”

  “What is the purpose of this device?” I asked, holding up the black box.

  “The entropic modulators are simply a manifestation of the power of the Chaotic Equilibrium. I created them many years ago, when I was working as an engineer for Gavin Larviton.”

  “You used to work for Gavin Larviton?”

  “Yep,” replied Ted. “When he was just starting out. He’d secured a contract to build twenty scout ships for the Malarchy, back when they were just one of several factions fighting for control of the galaxy. Larviton’s idea was to design the ships around plasmatic entropy reactors, but no one could figure out how to make them stable enough for practical use. My understanding of the ancient mysteries of the Chaotic Equilibrium enabled me to create the entropic modulators, which can modulate the plasmatic entropy flow within certain limits. The ships that Larviton provided to the Malarchy were faster than anything else out there and they had twice as much cargo space, thanks to the economic design of the plasmatic entropy reactors. The Malarchy paid Larviton a lot of money for an exclusive deal on the plasmatic entropy technology. It’s primarily that technology that has made it possible for them to conquer most of the galaxy. It’s also the source of the bulk of Larviton’s fortune. And it will be their downfall.”

  “What do you mean by that?”

  Ted smiled. “Haven’t you been listening? The Chaotic Equilibrium creates and the Chaotic Equilibrium destroys. For now, order prevails, but eventually chaos will reassert itself.”

  “You mean the boxes will malfunction,” I said.

  “They will function according to design,” he replied. “But not necessarily in the interests of the Malarchy or Gavin Larviton.”

  “So you’ve essentially sabotaged every ship in the Malarchian fleet, including this battle station,” I said. “Why? Why help the Malarchy conquer the galaxy only to destroy them?”

  “I serve the Chaotic Equilibrium,” said Ted. “The Chaotic Equilibrium creates and the Chaotic Equilibrium destroys.”

  “In other words, you’re a psychopath,” I said.

  Ted shrugged.

  “So is that why you were in Gulagatraz?” I asked. “Larviton found out the boxes were rigged to eventually destroy the ships they were installed in?”

  Ted grinned. “Larviton never found out,” he said. “Like you, he had no interest in the Chaotic Equilibrium except insofar as it benefited him. He had no idea the boxes would someday turn on their owners. He shipped me off to Gulagatraz over a disagreement we had later, having to do with another project.”

  “You really are nuts,” I said. “When will the boxes start to fail?”

  “The ways of the Chaotic Equilibrium are mysterious,” replied Ted. “But the time is near. The Malarchy has reigned for many years. The time has nearly come for the balance to swing toward chaos. Equilibrium will be enforced.”

  “Look, just give me a straight answer, would you?” I snapped. “When Vlaak fires the plasmatic entropy cannon, is it going to blow up this whole battle station?”

  “The Chaotic Equilibrium ultimately controls everything,” said Ted. “The Chaotic Equilibrium binds us—”

  “Yeah, yeah,” I said. “I get it, you’re not going to tell me. Go help Wick in the kitchen.”

  Ted smiled. “It’s pointless to fight the Chaotic Equilibrium, Sasha,” he said. “Let it in.” With that he turned and left.

  “Ted’s really smart,” said Wick.

  “Yeah,” I replied. “And nuttier than a Centaurian sparklebear. Wick, I need your help.”

  “Sure, Sasha,” said Wick. “What’s up?”

  “We need to blow the reactor core again.”

  “What? You just finished fixing it! And like I said, I’m not really supposed to be sabotaging Malarchian property.”

  “You’d be doing Heinous Vlaak a favor,” I said. “Thanks to Ted, this whole battle station is built around dangerously unstable technology. We’re lucky we didn’t get blown to smithereens when I turned on the reactor. We might not be so lucky when Vlaak fires his plasmatic entropy cannon.”

  “You think the Peace Fortress is going to blow up when he fires the cannon?”

  “There’s no way to know for sure,” I said. “I don’t think even Ted knows. I think that’s the point.”

  “Huh?” Wick asked.

  “The black boxes are meant to ‘enforce Chaotic Equilibrium,’” I said.

  “What does that mean?”

  I sighed. I had a vague idea in my circuitry about what the black boxes were for, but I had to approach it orthogonally to get around my override. I started giving Wick hints in the hopes that he would eventually figure it out for himself. It took three hours and I shut down eighteen times, but he did finally get it.

  “So,” said Wick, “you’re saying that if the Malarchy becomes too powerful, the boxes will start to malfunction. This battle station and any other Malarchian ships and facilities using those boxes are in danger of self-destructing.”

  “That’s it!” I cried.

  “But . . .” Wick began. “But the Malarchy is the most powerful force in the universe. There’s no stopping the inexorable march of Malarchian progress across the galaxy. It was in the training video. And now that we have the plasmatic entropy cannon . . .”

  “The balance has shifted decidedly in favor of the Malarchy,” I finished. “So if those boxes are designed to correct an imbalance between order and chaos, they could start malfunctioning at any moment. We need to shut down this reactor. And we certainly can’t let Vlaak fire the plasmatic entropy cannon.”

  “Can’t we just tell Heinous Vlaak about the black boxes?”

  “I’ll try,” I said. “But I don’t think he’s going to believe me. He’s too enamored of his secret weapon. He’s not going to want to believe that it—as well as this whole battle station—is dependent on dangerously unpredictable components. I need you and Fingers to set charges so that we’re ready to blow up the reactor core in case Vlaak decides to fire the cannon.”

  “I don’t know . . .” said Wick uncertainly.

  “Look, it makes no difference to me whether this battle station blows up or not,” I said. “And frankly, Rex is going to be pretty mad at me for interfering with Vlaak’s plan to destroy Schufnaasik Six. But I don’t particularly want to be on this battle station if it’s going to self-destruct. So you can either help me sabotage the reactor core again, or you can help me and Rex escape.”

  “Oh
, helping prisoners escape is definitely not allowed,” Wick said. “That was in the video too.”

  “Sounds like the video was pretty comprehensive,” I said.

  “Uh-huh,” he replied. “It was like an hour long. The second half was all about not sticking your tentacles where they don’t belong.”

  “You don’t have any tentacles,” I observed.

  “That’s what I said,” he replied. “But they gave me a tube of ointment anyway.”

  “I suppose they have to cover all contingencies,” I said. “So are you going to help me blow the reactor core?”

  “I guess so. It’s lasagna night so Fingers is pretty busy, but I’ll see if I can get his help with the explosives.”

  “Thanks, Wick. And be quick about it. I’m expecting a call from Heinous Vlaak pretty soon now that the reactor is back online.”

  Wick went to find Fingers and, as expected, within a few hours Vlaak summoned me to his reception chamber. Gavin Larviton and Rex were already there. The ugly brown ball of Schufnaasik Six was centered on the viewscreen. Larviton looked nervous. Rex looked bored.

  “I have waited for this moment long enough,” screeched Vlaak. “Now, Mr. Nihilo, you will see your beloved planet destroyed!”

  “Your Lordship,” I said, “if I may interject a word.”

  “What is it, robot? The reactor is fully online, is it not?”

  “Yes, Your Lordship. But while working on it I discovered something troubling. Both it and the cannon rely on a small black box for modulating the plasmatic entropy flow. No one seems to understand exactly how these boxes work, and I’m concerned that one of them might malfunction at an inopportune time, causing serious damage to this battle station.”

  “Lord Vlaak,” said Larviton, “I assure you that the entropic modulators are standard equipment on all Malarchian starships. All of the plasmatic entropy–based devices my company has built for you use the boxes, and there’s never been a single incident of—”

  “Cease your wheedling, Larviton,” snapped Vlaak. “I am well aware of the black boxes. They are the source of the Malarchy’s ability to create order out of chaos. We shall use them to conquer every planet in the galaxy!”

  “If I may be so bold, Your Lordship,” I said, “if you don’t know how the boxes operate or why they were created, how do you know they will work as expected?”

  “We have subjected the black boxes to rigorous testing,” Vlaak snapped. “They are one hundred percent reliable. It is ridiculous to think that they will suddenly start to act differently.”

  “Your Lordship, do you know who invented the boxes?” I asked.

  “What difference does it make?” shrieked Vlaak. “The Malarchy has used the boxes for years, and look what they have done for us! They have made possible the greatest empire in the history of the galaxy! We know the boxes are reliable because they have always worked exactly as expected in the past, and I’m not going to entertain foolish philosophical questions about where the boxes came from or whether they will keep working in the future. Now cease your prattling, robot. The moment of my triumph is at hand.”

  “In that case,” I said as I tapped the transmit button on my comm unit, “I guess it’s time for piggy to go to market.” This was the code phrase Wick and I had decided on to signal that he was to blow the reactor.

  Vlaak seemed confused at first by my statement, but then he nodded and grinned. “Yes,” he said. “I like that. It’s time for piggy to go to market!”

  “Your Lordship?” asked Lieutenant T’kik’ti.

  “Fire the plasmatic entropy cannon!” clarified Vlaak.

  I whispered into my comm unit. “Wick! Did you get that? Blow the reactor!”

  Nothing happened. The lieutenant cleared his throat.

  “What is it?” snapped Vlaak.

  “The remote, Your Lordship.”

  “Oh, sorry,” said Vlaak. He handed the remote control to the lieutenant and then shrieked again, “Fire the plasmatic entropy cannon!”

  “Piggy goes to market!” I yelled into my comm unit.

  The lieutenant pressed the button. Still, nothing happened. Had Wick blown the reactor? No, there hadn’t been an explosion, and the lights were still on. What was Wick waiting for?

  “Is it working?” asked Vlaak.

  “It takes a moment to warm up,” said Larviton.

  After a few seconds a low hum became audible.

  “Firing will commence in thirty seconds,” said the lieutenant.

  As we waited, the hum gradually became louder.

  “Time for piggy to go to market,” I said again.

  “Sasha,” said Rex with a disapproving scowl, “I appreciate a good catchphrase as much as the next guy, but seriously, you’re trying too hard with this one.”

  “How about ‘the monkey is putting on his tuxedo’?” offered Larviton.

  “Wow, that’s even worse,” said Rex.

  “Not exactly lightning fast, is it?” asked Vlaak.

  “The plasmatic batteries have to charge,” replied Larviton, a bit defensively. “It takes a tremendous amount of energy to destroy a planet, you know. But before you know it, that monkey is going to be putting on his tuxedo!”

  “Time for piggy to go to market,” I said once more.

  “And the eagle has seized the ferret!” screamed Heinous Vlaak, thrusting his fist in the air.

  Rex sighed and shook his head. “I don’t know what any of this has to do with blowing up my planet, but we’re in good shape if we decide to open a zoo.”

  “We still have ten seconds,” said the lieutenant.

  A voice crackled over my comm unit. “ . . . trouble . . . explosives . . . more time . . .”

  “What was that?” shrieked Vlaak. “Are you trying to sabotage my secret weapon?”

  “Sasha,” snapped Rex. “What in Space is going on? I thought we had an understanding.”

  “Five seconds,” said Lieutenant T’kik’ti.

  “I’m sorry, sir,” I said. “I had to make an executive decision. This whole battle station is unsafe. The only way to ensure our survival is to blow the reactor core. Again.”

  “Are you still talking about the entropic modulators?” Larviton asked. “I think you’re exaggerating the danger, Sasha. In any case, the plasmatic entropy cannon has a fail-safe that automatically kicks in if it senses an uncontrolled plasmatic reaction. It’s completely safe. The only thing that could prevent the fail-safe from kicking in would be—”

  “Plasmatic entropy batteries charged,” said the lieutenant. “Firing!”

  An explosion rocked the room. The lights went out and the view­screen went black.

  “ . . . did it, Sasha!” crackled Wick’s voice. “We blew the reactor core!”

  We waited for a moment in the dark. “Did it work?” shrieked Vlaak? “Did I destroy the planet?”

  “Your Lordship,” said Vlaak’s lieutenant. “The cannon seems to have misfired. Engineering is reporting a problem with the entropic modulator. We’re getting reports of dangerous levels of plasmatic disruption.”

  “Speak plainly, Lieutenant!” screeched Vlaak. “What’s going on?”

  “The entropic modulator is supposed to control the plasmatic entropy flow, to direct the energy from the batteries to the cannon, but it failed. The batteries can only hold the energy for a few minutes. After that, there’s no controlling it. The whole Peace Fortress will be torn apart.”

  “Activate the fail-safe!” howled Vlaak.

  “It seems the fail-safe is offline,” said the lieutenant. “The reactor has failed.”

  “That’s what I was trying to tell you,” said Larviton, his face having gone completely white. “The only thing that could prevent the fail-safe from kicking in would be a catastrophic reactor failure.”

  “You!” shrieked Vlaa
k, shaking his fist at me. “You sabotaged my secret weapon and my reactor!”

  “Technically, I only sabotaged the reactor,” I said. “Your secret weapon was sabotaged before I got here.”

  “But it’s your fault the fail-safe isn’t working!” screeched Vlaak.

  “Well, yes,” I said. “That bit was completely unintentional, though, if it helps.”

  “M’lord,” said the lieutenant. “We have only about ten minutes before the energy levels become critical. We may want to consider evacuating.”

  “Evacuate?” shrieked Vlaak. “In Our Moment of Triumph?”

  “Yes, m’lord. Unless you’d prefer to take one of the other ships.”

  “No, Our Moment of Triumph is fine. Gas her up and let’s get out of here. No point in taking any unnecessary risks.”

  “What about the prisoner and the robot?” asked Lieutenant T’kik’ti.

  “Leave them here to die!”

  “Should we tie them up or something? What if they escape?”

  “Just have Sergeant Ricketts watch them.”

  “M’lord? Surely you don’t mean to leave Sergeant Ricketts behind? He’s one of my best men.”

  “No room for enlisted men in Our Moment of Triumph,” said Vlaak. He left the room, followed by Gavin Larviton, who blew Rex a raspberry as he walked out. The lieutenant saluted Sergeant Ricketts and followed them. Sergeant Ricketts, resigned to his fate, drew his lazegun and held it pointed at Rex.

  “Wick!” I said into my comm unit. “How badly is the reactor core damaged? Any chance you can get it back online?”

  “Not a chance, Sasha!” cried Wick jubilantly. “We didn’t want to take any chances, so we used all the zontonium we could find. The reactor core is in a million pieces, just like you wanted. And there’s sand everywhere! Man, I’m getting a medal for this once Heinous Vlaak finds out.”

  “I may have overstated how appreciative Vlaak would be,” I said. “He’s evacuating the Peace Fortress right now.”

  “Evacuating? What for?”