Black Desert

by Peter Francis

  “We may have been out or in stasis for a week,” she said. “We were that far out of position.”

  “And didn’t get hungry in that time?”

  “Not if the ship slowed down our systems.”

  “Double check the chronometers, Ogden, while we’re waiting for diagnostics on the atomic core.”

  “I’ll tell you a strange story about events on Earth round about the turn of the last century,” said Ramirez. “Picture this. The year is 2000 and within five days of each other two women were murdered. They were both named Mary Morris and their bodies ended up in the morgue at the same time. Various theories were put forward in that, like in the old movie Terminator 2, one was killed in error when the assassin made a mistake which he rectified a few days later.”

  “You do have some strange lines of thought,” said Gowan.

  “Think about it. Two women, same name, horribly murdered close to each other in terms of time and location.”

  “Why bring that up?”

  “I was just thinking that if we really are back in time we could warn them both.”

  “You are crazy,” said Gowan. “We cannot have travelled back in time.”

  “That huge ship released copious levels of energy when it decloaked,” said Ogden. “I have just run a full diagnostic on the computer core and everything is fine.”

  “What are you saying, Ogden,” said Stiers.

  “I am saying the core of the computer is solid enough and not in error.”

  “That just leaves us with Gowan’s figures – and no comments, Ramirez. Why can’t I find any sign of our fleet?”

  “I don’t like to break your heart, Captain, but we have either jumped into another dimension or back to 1994.”

  “That is impossible – physically impossible according to physics.”

  “Yeah, but physics ain’t here. We are,” said Ramirez. “And my figures agree with those of Rubbertits.”

  “What did you call me – you snivelling excuse for male pudenda?” snapped Gowan.

  “I’m agreeing with you.”

  “I would just as soon you didn’t.”

  “There’s a way to solve this,” said the Captain. “Try to pick up radio or televisual broadcasts from Earth and try to identify them from the frequencies. I’m certain Big Jonas Warhog wasn’t broadcasting then.”

  “Who?” asked Ogden.

  “Country and Western DJ on Earth – our Earth,” explained Gowan.

  “Oh, I see.”

  “I listened to some of that awful C&W shit once – no offence Captain,” said Ramirez.

  “None taken, partner.”

  “I tuned into it one day and after ten minutes I was ready to dive my sky fighter into the ground. It was so depressing.”

  “Enjoy all that potato peeling you’ll be doing,” said Stiers.

  “Be fair to the boy,” said Ogden with respect. “He has been trying to take our minds off our present circumstances. He constantly increases his status in my estimation.”

  “Leave it, Ogden,” said Ramirez. “I don’t do podgy Englishmen.”

  “Which men do you do?” snapped Gowan.

  “Listen up, Smallhips, I am with you on this one. All the indicators are that we have travelled back in time. I have no idea how that happened but if it is the case, I want to get back to my family as soon as I can.”

  “We don’t have the ability to move forward in time.”

  “What would it take?”

  “More than we have,” she said. “Even if we could be by that huge ship decloaking again, it would only blow us further back. The English have a phrase for it don’t they, Ogden. We’re buggered.”

  “I believe that would sum up our present position precisely,” said the Englishman.

  “This is an impossibility,” said Stiers. “We will all run deep diagnostics again, checking each others figures, calculations and computer analysis.”

  “You can’t change the positions of the stars by running diagnostics, Captain,” said Gowan. “The outside cameras aren’t lying. They see what they see.”

  “They see in ones and zeros,” said Stiers. “Ones and zeros can be manipulated or be faulty. We don’t know what weapons of confusion the aliens may have used upon us.”

  “The Captain may well be right,” said Ogden. “Although I personally doubt he is.”

  “Then check what the sensors recorded of our near collision. There may be something there to help us. I’m sure we have some excellent footage of us scraping off some of their paintwork.”

  “How long will it take us to reach Earth?” asked Ramirez.

  “About three days at top speed,” said the Captain.

  “Then my suggestion would be to head home at top speed and do our checks and analysis on the way.”

  “We have no choice,” agreed Stiers, “but we are only travelling at half speed until our checks on the thrust systems are completed. How long will that take?”

  “Visual and computer?” asked Ramirez and Stiers nodded. “About two hours, Captain.”

  “Let’s get started. Two of us – you and I, Ramirez, will undertake the visual inspections. Ogden and Gowan can run the numbers. It will speed things up.”

  “You’re the boss,” said Ramirez. “I’ll get the suits.”

  Although visual inspections did not usually require extra-vehicular activity, they did involve inspections of the ship’s drive which necessitated protective suits. Ramirez suspected they did not have one large enough to fit Ogden but he had no objection to spending time away from his console – a word he did not understand for he was anything but consoled by the array of button, touch pads and holograms in front of him most of the time.

  Stiers and Ramirez suited up and began their inspection of the innards and underneathards of the craft. Their inspection was thorough and took just over 90 minutes. The vessel had been shaken and stirred but was essentially in excellent shape. They desuited and stepped into the showers while their suits were treated and restored automatically. Once dressed they returned to the main control room where Ogden and Gowan were looking extremely glum.

  “What’s the problem?” asked the Captain.

  “The problem is, there is no problem,” said Ogden. “Everything is fine and reading correctly. We have run several sets of diagnostics and found nothing wrong with the computer or sensors. I regret to inform you that it appears we are somehow – and I don’t understand how – in 1994”.

  “At least hamburgers will cheaper,” joked Ramirez.

  “And have real beef in them,” suggested Stiers.

  “How come they are called hamburgers if they have no ham in them?” asked Gowan.

  “Hamburgers were originally known as German beefsteaks from the city of Hamburg,” said Ogden. “They were made from beef and pork chopped with suet. Frankfurters, of course, were German sausages from the city of Frankfurt.”

  “Ogden knows all about food – as you can plainly see,” said Ramirez. “I bet he knows fifteen different ways to fricassee a frog.”

  “I don’t think you’ll find the English are fond of frogs,” replied Ogden. “They are more a French dish – which is how the people of that country got their nickname.”

  “Well, that may be our Earth or another one, but we’re heading there because I have no plans to float around in space for the remainder of my life,” said Stiers.

  “We will have to engage our anti-radar devices,” said Ogden. “Even that long ago they had ways of searching the skies. It will not be a good idea to be detected until we have seen the lie of the land as it were.”

  “Oh Lord,” said Gowan. “We have to think this out carefully. We have to consider the timeline and not changing anything and all sorts of other things before we land there or are seen.”

  “What are you jawing about?” asked Ramirez.

  “We can’t be seen if we really are back in time and we can’t do anything that may affect the future.”

  “Listen, we don’t have
a future and neither does Earth, remember? We get taken over or destroyed by aliens in less than a century. Maybe we need to change something. Maybe we need to alert Earth to its future.”

  “Ramirez could be right,” said Ogden. “It is very possible that our only reason for being shunted back in time is to alter the future of our planet.”

  The Captain pondered all this and saw to his controls. He said, “We may find a way to do both.” The others stared at him as he continued, “I agree with Gowan – we don’t want to alter anything that may wipe out our future selves. However, pards, what we can do is look to two things. One, we need to get back to our time and two, we need to find something to destroy the aliens with and take that back with us.”

  “I think whatever antique weapons they have here – flintlocks or whatever – are not going to worry the aliens too much,” said Ramirez.

  “They are a tad more progressed than that,” said Stiers. “I am thinking of darker, more potent things hidden from public view. How full is our computer library? How much can we access without linking to Fleet computers?”

  “Almost everything,” said Ogden. “Our computer records and libraries duplicate those on Earth and deliberately so, just in the event of circumstances such as these.”

  “So we have access here to almost all of what is on Earth?”

  “Yes, we do.”

  “We will need to be able to print money – credit cards too I think – but money certainly. Can we do that?”

  “The 3D printers will duplicate almost anything,” said Ogden. “Money will be no problem except it would be wrong to undermine a nation’s economy in this way.”

  “We won’t be printing enough to undermine anything, Ogden. I happen to know that something like billions of fake dollars are floating about the planet at this time and the US Government did nothing because they didn’t want faith in the dollar placed in jeopardy.”

  “That is correct, Captain,” said Ogden. “It would also be the work of a moment to link to a bank computer on Earth and overwrite its safety protocols to honour any credit cards we print. But it wouldn’t be the right thing to do.”

  “Money,” said the Captain, “is mostly an illusion and doesn’t really exist anyway. Just zeros and ones remember?”

  “Are you guys seriously suggesting we turn into a bunch of hoodlums?” asked Ramirez.

  “I really do not think attempting – however feebly – to alter the course of Earth’s miserable future could be considered as crossing some line,” said Ogden.

  “It may come rather easily to you guys, but I have never so much as stolen a candy bar,” said Ramirez. “My mother would have slaughtered me.”

  “This may not be correct ethically,” said the Captain, “but we may be faced with committing some minor misdemeanours in order to achieve our aims.”

  “What – forging credit cards and counterfeiting money is a misdemeanour?” said Ramirez.

  “This doesn’t sit too well with me either,” confessed Gowan. “I joined Fleet to protect Earth, not rob it blind. Isn’t there some other way to raise money?”

  “We could put you on the street, my dear, but I doubt you would enjoy it,” said Ogden.

  “Here’s the jizz, hold your fizz,” said Ramirez. “Stop stealing my lines, Ogden.”

  “I apologise, old chap.”

  “And don’t ‘my dear’ me,” said Gowan. “We can get jobs you know.”

  “Without correct social security numbers?” he replied.

  “There is that,” she admitted.

  “We have computers records, people, including every social security number ever issued. We can just use ones appropriate for the time,” said Stiers.

  “And pass our problems on to those who may legitimately be working,” snorted Gowan.

  Ogden said, “We have adequate supplies of food and can easily manufacture other things – including clothing – so we should try not to leap ahead of ourselves.”

  “Paunchy is right,” said Ramirez. “We are not going to starve for quite a while.”

  “We just won’t be able to catch a bus,” said Stiers. “Not without the fare.”

  “Or buy a hamburger,” said Ogden then looked at the others. “Not that we need to buy a hamburger with all the concentrated food packages we have.”

  A silence grew inside the craft as it sped towards its appointment with its home planet but not at the same time that the ship’s chronometers showed. Lights glowed on and off as some automatic function deployed but apart from a very soft hum in the background, all was quiet. They weren’t travelling fast enough for stars to whiz by and the only star they were close to was their own Sun. It radiated heat from 93 million miles away and viewscreen filters kept its light away from them while the craft absorbed all the energy it could. Each member of the team was temporarily lost in thoughts of their own – thoughts about home, about the aliens, about where they were and what they could do about their situation.

  Outside the sky was still black except for the viewscreens showing the forward view where Earth and its satellite sat relatively unmoving in the distance. It was a weeks away in its journey round the sun and three days away from them at full speed. Space appeared calm and unmolested and sensors showed no sign of the giant ship that had battered them with whatever sciences it used to cloak and uncloak.

  “Forward ho, three days to go,” said Ramirez. It may not be our Earth but I’m looking forward to seeing it again.”

  “Yes,” agreed Gowan.

  “What about your family?” asked Ramirez.

  “I have a mother and a younger sister aged eighteen,” she said. “My parents divorced and my father moved away. He died two years ago – mostly because he refused to seek help for his condition.”

  “Boyfriend?”

  “I prefer men,” she said.

  “I’m a man.”

  “We’ll see,” said Gowan.

  “We will need to power down weapons before we enter Earth’s atmosphere,” said Ogden. “We can’t keep them at this high peak of charge.”

  “Fine,” said the Captain. “Take them back down to fifteen per cent. If we don’t see that other ship we’ll power down completely before we go in. How are the tractor beams?”

  The electro-magnetic antigravitational devices removed all energy between the Defender craft and other objects it may encounter. Most crew terminology was drawn not from manuals but from the old TV series Star Trek.” Ogden checked and said, “The diagnostics were fine. Everything is working.”

  “That’s good news, Ogden,” said Ramirez. “We can pass over a McDonalds and beam you up some hamburgers.”

  “Don’t even think about it,” growled Stiers. “We’re not going in for theft as a sideline.”

  “Except from the banks,” said Gowan.

  “Remember Steinbeck,” said Ramirez. “Banks are always dreaming up new ways of keeping your money.”

  “You have read Steinbeck?” gasped Ogden. “I wouldn’t have thought you made it past Captain Marvel.”

  “There’s a useful thinking machine up here,” said Ramirez and tapped the side of his head.

  “And another dumb machine in his pants with but one thought,” said Gowan.

  “Imagine what I’m thinking,” said Ramirez. “It involves your sweet lips and that very same dumb machine.”

  “Is that a flying pig in space?” said Gowan. “Because you’ll see that first.”

  “Come now, children,” said the Captain. “Don’t make me send you to bed early.”

  “That reminds me,” said Gowan. “I missed my sleep shift.”

  “Then go take it now. There’s little happening here right now,” said Stiers.

  Gowan nodded and completed the tasks at her holo screens. As she stood to leave, Ramirez leered across at her and grinned. “If we buzz your alarm,” he said, “it won’t be an emergency. It just means I want to see your tits again.”

  “You’ve had all you’ll ever see,” she snapped and wal
ked off, which in the light gravity was even more sexy than usual.

  Ogden said, “I’ve been running diagnostics on some of the secondary systems and we have an outside camera with a slight malfunction. Backups are all fine.”

  “Are you recommending extra-vehicular activity?” asked the Captain.

  “Indeed not,” said Ogden. “I do recommend we fix it as soon as we are on land again.”

  “Thank God for that,” said Ramirez. “After Gowan’s tits I don’t think I could stomach Ogden floating outside like a tethered hippo.”

  “He won’t be going outside – you will,” said Stiers.

  “There’s something unnatural about being out there in empty space,” said Ramirez.

  “Then you should have joined the navy – and seen the world.”

  “I can see most of it from here,” said Ramirez. “And I don’t have to go near water to do it.”

  “Is that why you avoid the showers?” asked Ogden.

  “Leave it. I don’t avoid them. But you should know that we shower with recycled sweat and urine.”

  “We drink it too,” said Ogden.

  “Not if there’s a bottle of Jim Beam about,” said the Captain.

  “Alcohol isn’t allowed on board,” said Ramirez.

  “Unless you’re the Captain,” said Ogden. “Captains are always allowed a private stock of a bottle or two.”

  “For medical emergencies,” said Stiers.

  “You mean after all we’ve just been through you’re keeping a goodly stiff helping of bourbon to yourself?” expressed Ramirez in surprise. “You don’t think we deserve a shot?”

  “Sure,” said Stiers. “After we land.”

  “Three days,” wailed Ramirez. “I bet if you offered some to Gowan she’d pop out her nipples again – maybe her woollyburger also.”

  “After we land safely and are secure,” said Stiers. “I think we’ll all deserve one then.”

  “I can hardly wait,” grumbled Ramirez. “I’m picking up on that camera of yours, Paunchy. It looks like the wireless signal is scrambled. It was working fine a few minutes ago.”

  “The chip I would surmise,” said Ogden.

  “That’s not bad for what we went through,” said Ramirez. “Ford and GE know how to build these things.”