Black Desert

by Peter Francis

  They all studied the image that Gowan had transferred to the big screen. A shortish figure with wild hair and dressed in a shirt and jeans was yelling and scooping handfuls of dirt from the desert floor and throwing it around her wildly.

  “It is crazy behaviour,” agreed Gowan.

  The figure paused and looked around. He seemed to be taking a wider circle around the synthetic monoliths in the sand as he continued his wild, shouting, peripatetic journey.

  “He drove here,” said Ogden.

  “What?” asked Ramirez.

  “If you look closely you can see a car parked in the distance,” said Ogden. “I am trying to identify it.”

  “It’s a Jeep of some description,” said Ramirez, who knew about old cars. “In fact it’s a Cherokee.”

  “Is this normal behaviour for somebody driving a Jeep?” asked Gowan.

  “What – parking in the desert and running round throwing dirt into the air?” said Ramirez. “I don’t think so.”

  “We need a close up of that figure,” said Ogden and played with his controls.

  “What we don’t need is that lunatic stumbling onto us,” said Stiers. “We have enough problems. One of us will have to go out and deal with him.”

  “Deal with him how?” asked Ramirez. “Sneak up from behind and beat him about the head with something hard?”

  “Send him on his way,” said Stiers.

  “Ramirez has a point,” said Gowan. “How do we send him on his way?”

  “We’re in uniform with three of us showing the stars and stripes as a supplementary badge…”

  “I believe, Captain, there are only 50 stars on the US flag. Yours shows 52.”

  “I doubt he’ll count them,” said the Captain. “We just have to look official and send the crazy man on his way.”

  “I shall go,” said Ogden.

  “Not you,” said Stiers. “Nobody in America has paid much heed to that Union Flag of yours for 300 years – well, 200 even here.”

  “It’s just that there is something familiar about that man but for the life of me I cannot place it,” said Ogden.

  The Captain said, “Ramirez will go. He can appear obnoxious at times.”

  “Thank you, Captain. I like to be appreciated.”

  “Pull your neck in. I mean it to be complimentary.”

  “In what way?”

  “I mean you won’t take more than a dessertspoon of horse droppings,” said Stiers.

  “He’ll have to talk to the intruder,” said Gowan. “Ramirez has nothing hard to hit him with.”

  “Look…”

  “We are the intruders,” said Ogden. “This individual is merely exerting his right to wander the desert throwing sand into the air – which, despite the man’s odd behaviour – I would not think to be illegal.”

  “I’d better go,” said Ramirez. “He’s getting closer.”

  “He’s a she,” said Gowan who had been studying the screen.

  “What?” said Ramirez.

  “I believe those two lumps she has in front are breasts,” said Gowan. “And the absence of a significant lump at the front of her jeans would suggest she is either a woman or Ramirez – and he is sitting here.”

  “Look…I am beginning to resent these remarks,” said Ramirez. “I mean, take the bone and hold the phone. You kissed my ass in genuine error and I’ll tell you I’d do exactly the same for you – regardless of whether or not you thought you had been snakebitten.”

  “I didn’t kiss it – I sucked the puncture wound.”

  “Listen, Gowan, any time you want any part sucked – I’m your man,” said Ramirez.

  “Forgive my interruption but I suspect Miss Junette is correct,” said Ogden. “It is indeed a lady out there and, unless I am mistaken, I believe I recognise her.”

  “You are going to tell us it’s this Paperhanger woman,” said Ramirez.

  “Titiana Lilleshenger, yes,” said Ogden, growing excited. “She looks a little older but I am sure it’s her.”

  “Don’t have an orgasm, Paunchy. It’s just a woman we at first mistook for a man,” said Ramirez.

  “I once mistook you for a man,” Gowan told him. “It won’t happen again though.”

  “Why is she throwing dirt in the air, if indeed it’s her?” asked Stiers. “Has being here driven her loony?”

  “I have no idea,” said Ogden. “The behaviour she exhibits is quite bizarre. We shall have to ask her.”

  “I guess we must make contact,” said the Captain. “She may have gone haywire just being trapped here for this long. Maybe she misses her home and family.”

  “She has neither,” said Ogden. “She slept at the University and never married or bore children.”

  “An old spinster – just like Gowan,” said Ramirez and looked sharply in case anything sharp was flying his way. Nothing was, except her glare.

  “Are you sure it’s her?” Gowan asked Ogden.

  “Almost certain, Captain,” said Ogden.

  “Open a portal and go and fetch her then.”

  “I was going to review our tapes.”

  “They’ll still be there when you get back – unless she is a maniac and stabs you to death. Her attitude is odd enough.”

  “I should go,” said Gowan.

  “Why?”

  “She may not at first recognise Ogden, even if she does remember. It may be better for her to be approached by another woman.”

  “And safer,” said Ramirez.

  Stiers said, “Ogden, stay. Gowan, go.”

  “I’ll wet my lips in case you snag your panties on a tumbleweed,” said Ramirez.

  “Shouldn’t you be polishing your console or your lovestick or something,” said Gowan as she prepared to leave.

  “Shall I go with you?” asked Ogden.

  “Stay away, Paunchy,” said Ramirez. “Nobody is letting you near the only two modern women on the planet. They wouldn’t be safe.”

  “Or he wouldn’t,” said Gowan and formed a portal. “From a choice between Ogden and you, it would be you who was left to attend to his own needs.” She looked at Ogden. “I’ll manage,” she said. “Best you remain here and watch in case of trouble. She may well be quite mad.”

  Ogden nodded. The three men watched as Gowan prepared to leave, waiting until the figure was at it’s closest point in the circle before exiting the craft and making her way over to the woman. Gowan waved and the woman looked up, saw her and ran over, waving her arms wildly. The Captain said, “Jiminy Cricket, the woman is going to attack her.”

  The woman jumped on Gowan who staggered back a couple of steps then they hugged and the junior officer led the woman back to the craft. They entered through the portal and the newcomer looked around her in disbelief. He figure was petite but feminine, even through the baggy clothes and jeans. He hair was brunette with tinges of grey and her skin was the only part of her showing any age. Her eyes were bright and her lips full and her smile dazzling. She leaned against a partition and said, “Thank God. A rescue ship.”

  “Not exactly,” said the Captain.

  “How is your mind, Professor,” asked Ogden. “Only we noticed you were throwing handfuls of dirt around the place and assumed an element of mental insecurity.”

  “I’ve been here ten years,” she said. “Ten bloody years.” She looked at Ogden. “I know you, Englishman. We’ve met. You weren’t that bright even then. Now I suspect you are showing early signs of dementia.”

  “My mind is as sharp as ever it was,” protested Ogden.

  “Well, Daniel – that is still your name?” Ogden nodded and the Professor continued, “The reason I was throwing dirt around, Daniel, was to locate this vessel in case you were cloaked. The dirt would have hit you and stopped in midair before sliding back to the ground.”

  “We don’t have a cloaking device,” said Stiers.

  “No, Professor, after your failed experiments here we adopted the less expensive and more reliable chameleon circuitry,” sai
d Ogden, rather too smugly and still stinging from the dementia jibe.

  “Well who are you?”

  “I’m the ship’s number two…” said Ogden.

  “You can’t believe how apt that description is,” said Ramirez and even Gowan had to suppress a smile.

  “Captain Stiers here is commanding,” continued Ogden, indicating with his hand out. “And the lady who rescued you is Miss Junette Gowan who with the resident loudmouth over there – Ramirez – are our junior officers.”

  “He seems a tad forward in his comments,” said Lillishenger.

  “The Captain allows a little leeway,” said Ogden, as if he regretted this fact.

  “Ramirez is all mouth,” said Stiers, “but he is a capable officer and his heart is in the right place. So, if you are Titiana Lillishenger, how on Earth did you find us?”

  “After your debacle on television last night rescuing that stricken airliner, your presence seemed assured. You were captured on airport surveillance cameras and the images have been sent around the world. You hardly sneaked in unnoticed. I merely assumed that as a rescue ship you would make your way to this point in the desert where my experiments went a tad astray in order to pick up my trail. I set off late last night and drove here, arriving early enough to catch up on an hour or two’s sleep before looking for you. I can’t tell you how happy I am to be rescued finally.”

  “We’re not a rescue ship,” said Stiers.

  “Well, whatever your purpose here, you won’t mind me hitching a ride back with you?”

  “We have no means of returning,” said Ogden.

  “What do you mean?” said Lillishenger.

  “I am rather afraid that our trip, like yours, appears to be one way. Much has happened since you were assumed lost, Professor. Earth is being menaced by ugly, big aliens intent, as far as I can assess, on attacking fat men wearing crops and sandals.”

  “They haven’t reached here quite yet,” said the Professor.

  “What – the aliens?” asked Ramirez.

  “No. Fat men wearing crops and sandals, although the United States is currently the least fashion conscious country in the world. The clothes here are predominantly made in the Far East and most people are beginning to dress in items made for much smaller people gathering in the rice crop or in fancy dress for a pirate play. But more about these aliens.”

  “They have a huge ship,” said Gowan. “We were in the vanguard of our defence force when they decloaked and the power in that field sent us back in time – close to a century in years – rather like yourself for that appears to be what happened to you and the latrines.”

  “If we ever return, the physics books will have to be rewritten,” said Ogden.

  “Nonsense,” said Lillishenger. “The physics are easily explained, which I will do later. Forward travel through time is far easier. All we need to achieve is light speeds. How fast will this ship travel?”

  “Just under 90,000 kilometres an hour,” said Stiers.

  “We’re buggered then,” she said and sat down in a near chair and looked glum.

  “I have been working on a way of boosting output to increase our speed,” said Ogden. “It may be possible to achieve as high as figure as 150,000 kilometres an hour for a short burst.”

  “Trust me, Ogden, it will be quicker to just wait for time to pass,” she said and Ogden looked chagrined. “And I thought you were a rescue ship,” she muttered. “Now I have to find a way to rescue you.”

  “You think that may be possible?” said Gowan.

  “Yeah,” said Ramirez. “She would love to get home to an early death.” He paused a moment then mumbled, “Me also.”

  “Apprise me of what exactly happened,” suggested Lilleshenger.

  “It’s quite simple,” said Stiers and tilted back his cowboy hat. “We were on the fringe of the alien ship when it decloaked. Next thing we were all a bit fuzzy and back here in whatever this goddamn year is.”

  “1994,” said the Professor. “I am afraid that they must be using a similar technology to the one I pioneered. It takes copious amounts of energy to bend light and creates an anomaly outside the alien ship during decloaking. That is what happened to me except I had put safeguards in place to prevent that. My technician was trying to warn me about something when there was a bright light, then darkness and I ended up here disorientated and by those latrines. I had to walk then hitch rides to civilisation. Of course, I had no money and no identification that would have been recognised so had to live by my wits. Luckily I have done very well in ten years but even with the chameleon circuit you can’t leave this craft here. It will have to be moved. What class is it?”

  “Fleet Defender Class,” said Stiers proudly.

  “Does it make coffee?”

  “The galley brews excellent coffee instantly.”

  “Let’s have some. I’m parched from all that running around throwing dirt. You could have pulled me in sooner.”

  “Hold your horse, you’re well off course,” said Ramirez. “We thought you were a crazy person out there.”

  “I’ll be crazy if I can’t get us back,” she said.

  “It’s nice to meet you anyway, Professor Tittenslagger.”

  “Lillishenger,” she snapped.

  “I’m not very good with names,” said Ramirez. “I’ll just call you Professor.”

  “Or Titiana,” she said.

  “No, I think it’s safer I stick with Professor.” He paused. “What’s all this about fat men wearing crops and sandals.”

  She grinned. “Ogden is a bit of an historian,” she said. “Apparently in the first two decades of the 21st century – our century - some men, and indeed women, took to wearing crops and cargo crops and sandals. These were like regular pants that came to a few inches below the knees and showed about a foot of leg. Fat men would wear these accompanied by a tight-fitting T-shirt showing their awful beer-filled stomachs. Trust me, I have seen pictures and visual recordings from that time and the sight was truly awful. People even turned up in TV shows and news broadcasts wearing these horrendous outfits. It was like the jeans craze but worse. Ogden almost threw up the first time he saw the images, and who can blame him? Since then he has a peculiar repulsion against seeing this in the flesh. He is fortunate because the craze has not yet started in this time.”

  “Darn. I’d have loved to have bought some to wear around the ship.”

  “I would venture to suggest your life may be at risk,” she said. “The sandals – which are almost an essential part of the package – are easily acquired from any Target or K-Mart. For crops you may have to buy normal length ones and chop about ten inches off the bottom. However, there are snakes around these parts.”

  “I’ve met one.”

  “If one bites you, grab the snake by the throat so it can be identified for the correct anti-venom. What snake did you encounter?”

  “The Flushing Snake.”

  “I don’t know that one.”

  “I’m sure Ogden will get around to telling you all about it.”

  “Listen, people,” said Stiers. “We’ll rustle up some coffee and muffins now. Then we’ll review the recording and plan our future.”

  “I have some money,” said Lillishenger. “I ‘invented’ a couple of devices and programs and sold them. Most of that money has gone into a building not too far away as this ship flies but we can get more.”

  “Where from?”

  “They have places here called casinos,” she said. “A smart man with a little electronic equipment can win enough to get by.”

  “Is that legal?” asked the Captain.

  “The system is designed so that ultimately the house always wins. I just like to even the odds a tad.”

  “I think we’ll put that one out to graze,” said Stiers. “At least for the time being.”

  “We will need money to find a way out of here,” said the Professor.

  “Is there a way out of this?” asked Gowan.

  �
��I have a place in Inyo County where we won’t be disturbed. It is a large structure which was formerly used to repair machinery. The area is now remote but the building is in excellent condition and your craft can easily fit inside. I suggest, Captain, we first go there where we can conceal your ship while we work out our two problems.”

  “Two problems?” asked Ramirez.

  “Getting home to our – or your – time, which is close enough for me; and arriving there with the means to destroy Earth’s attackers.”

  “You make it sound so simple,” muttered Ramirez.

  “No, it is not going to be simple,” said Lillishenger. “But it is the only thing I am considering right now and the first part is a problem I have been working on for a decade. I may have a slender advantage because of that.”

  “Do you have the co-ordinates for your workshop?” asked Stiers.

  “I can show you on a map.”

  “We have no maps,” said Ogden. “However, I expect many of them are in the database and from there we can calculate the co-ordinates.”

  “I will need access to the computers and a full briefing on the ship and its engines and weaponry.”

  “We can do that,” said the Captain. “But we have a few logistical problems first. I’m assuming you came here in that antique automobile which, I assume, will need to be piloted back.”

  “Yes, I hadn’t thought of that. No matter. I will give you the co-ordinates for my factory and the entry codes. You will enter and make space in one corner for this craft. I shall drive and pick up lunch on the way. Somebody will accompany me in order to better understand the terrain.”

  “I’ll come,” said Gowan.

  “I’ll take Ramirez, the smart one,” she said.

  “I would prefer my crew remain on board,” said Stiers.

  “I have been virtually alone for ten years,” she said. “I need to talk to somebody from close to my own time. You choose somebody, Captain.”

  “Would you mind going with the Professor,” Stiers said to Ogden.

  “I have no objection,” said Ogden.

  “Not Ogden,” said Lillishenger. “I haven’t been laid in a decade and I have chosen him. If I am that close to him for a few hours, we may be very late getting back.” Ogden’s lower jaw hung open. “I am not an idiot,” said the Professor. “Ramirez is too young, Gowan is the wrong sex and you, Captain, I can tell would not be unfaithful to your wife and family in a hundred years.”