Write This Book: A Do-It-Yourself Mystery

by Pseudonymous Bosch

  What sort of side character should you include in your book? Well, it could be a sidekick, of course. I’m sure you’re familiar with the idea of a sidekick.

  Pseudo-intelligence:

  Foiled again!

  A foil is a character who differs from another character in a way that highlights the other character’s attributes (whether positive or negative). Sherlock Holmes, for example, is tall and so consumed with his cases that he can go for days without food or sleep; his shorter, rounder, and more cautious friend Watson, on the other hand, is the type never to miss a meal. I don’t have to tell you which of those two I most resemble. What? No, not Watson! Sure, I like a good meal as much as the next guy, but consider my razor-sharp Sherlockian mind…

  Batman’s Robin. The Lone Ranger’s Tonto. Sherlock Holmes’s Watson. A magician’s rab—well, never mind that one. A sidekick provides a foil for your hero and gives your hero somebody to bounce ideas off of. (A sidekick can do the same for a villain, of course.) For those things, your heroes A____ and Z____ already have each other, however; in a sense, they are each other’s sidekicks.

  Happily, there are many other kinds of side characters. Among other things, a side character can:

  a) threaten your hero with violence or some other sort of undesired outcome

  b) tempt your hero to do something he knows he shouldn’t do

  c) provide information your hero needs to reach his goal

  d) serve as a guide in a new world such as the Other Side (I guess that would be an Other Side character)

  For your new side character, I suggest e) all of the above. And let’s make him a suspect in our ongoing mystery to boot.

  Allow me to introduce him to you:

  Remember the stranger who appears at the end of the last chapter? Guess who it is. That’s right. Your side character. Literally blocking the way out, he is also one of the first obstacles that your heroes confront on their mission. (For your story’s sake, I hope there will be many more.) By following the trail of chocolate, A____ and Z____ have attracted unwanted attention. Instead of leading them to I.B., the trail of chocolate has led someone else to them.

  And guess what he has in his hand. No, not a gun. It’s a cig—wait, we’re not supposed to have those in the book, either! Well, just watch what happens….

  The Case of the Missing Author

  Chapter 7

  INSERT CHAPTER TITLE HERE

  In which your heroes meet your side character.

  The stranger stared at them, puffing on a cigarette, not saying anything. He was about fifteen or sixteen. It was hard to tell exactly.

  “I’m Rufus,” he said, as if they should have known. “What do they call you where you’re from?”

  A____ and Z____ squeaked out their names.

  Z____ nodded at Rufus’s cigarette. “You must have a death wish,” said Z____, trying not to show any fear.

  Rufus laughed. “Are you talking about this?” He puffed on his cigarette, and a white cloud came out. But it was a cloud of powdered sugar, not smoke.

  He held out the cigarette for them to inspect. It had a pink rubbery end. “It’s bubble gum, you dummies. I’m using it to quit.”

  “You’re quitting smoking? That’s good,” said A____.

  “No, I would never smoke. I meant quit chewing gum…. Now give me the gold.”*

  “What gold?” asked Z____ nervously.

  “The gold you flashed to get into this place. The

  coin.”

  key.”

  tooth.”

  “Say we have it—why should we give it to you?” asked A____.

  “You’re looking for I.B., aren’t you? Or were you just collecting _____ brand chocolate bar wrappers for fun?”

  Z____ opened his mouth in surprise. “You know where he is?”

  “I might.”

  A____ and Z____ looked at each other. Could they trust him?

  All right, author. Take that thinking cap off your pen and put it on your head. It’s time for you to flesh out your new character a bit more.

  I called him Rufus—maybe because he seems like a rough sort of guy?—but you can call him whatever you like. Is he short or tall? Pale or dark? Does he have an accent? A scar? Green hair? Tattoo?

  Clearly, we want Rufus to seem suspicious. He might even be Suspect #1 himself, the X-fan who wrote the threatening letter to I.B. But I think there should be something appealing about Rufus as well. Could he be responsible for I.B.’s disappearance? Maybe. And yet there’s also the possibility that he’s just a red herring. In the end, he could turn out to be a friend and not a foe.

  Pseudo-intelligence:

  Misleading information

  A red herring is a clue or piece of information that is intended to mislead or distract the reader—for example, an innocent character presented as a suspect. Once, it was believed the expression red herring came from the practice of dragging a red herring to lure hunting dogs—but that idea turned out to be a red herring.

  Need more guidance? Let your genre generate your character for you.

  NOIR:

  A STREET MAGICIAN

  If you’re writing a crime novel, Rufus should probably be one of those scoundrel street magicians we discussed earlier. When A____ and Z____ hesitate to give him the gold coin, he offers to do a card trick. If they can guess where the ace lands, he’ll tell them where I.B. is. If they can’t, they give him the coin. Will they take the bait?

  FANTASY:

  A TEEN DWARF

  For the under-land fantasy version of The Case of the Missing Author, I suggest a teen dwarf. I can think of plenty of teen vampires and teen werewolves, even teen elves, but I can’t remember any teen dwarves.* Maybe the dwarf Rufus tells A____ and Z____ he wants the gold key to escape aboveground and get away from his dwarf parents and the dull routine of cave living. But what is he really after?

  GOTHIC:

  A WERE-TEEN

  In the gothic version, there should be something dark and brooding and dangerous about Rufus. I like the idea that he is a were-teen but not necessarily a werewolf. Could he be the Were-Hare in human form? That would explain why he wants the gold tooth. If you think he really is the Were-Hare, don’t forget to give him some hare-like (hare-y?) character traits. Then again, he could be a were-hog or a were-bear. Just not a Care Bear, please.

  WRITE THIS:

  Magician, dwarf, or were-person, your side character has one unavoidable duty: to deliver information.

  Where is the missing author? Who has I.B. and why? No doubt, A____ and Z____ would be full of questions for Rufus.

  How do they get him to tell them what they want to know? Here’s the most obvious answer: they strike a deal with him. If he tells them where I.B. is, they’ll give Rufus the gold object he wants.

  The Case of the Missing Author

  Chapter 7 (cont.)

  In which Rufus is described in detail, then strikes a deal with A and Z—his information for their gold.

  OK, did you finish writing the scene with Rufus?

  Don’t bother pretending—you couldn’t have finished it, because you don’t know the answers to your heroes’ questions. You don’t know where I.B. is or even who your villain is. Whether it’s the X-fan or somebody else, someone must be keeping the infamous anonymous author captive. I’m afraid you’ll have to come back and rewrite that last section after you read the next few chapters and gather all the necessary information. Sorry, that’s what second drafts are for!

  In the meantime, I’ll throw in a few paragraphs to keep things moving.

  “I still don’t understand,” said A____. “Why would anybody take I.B.? He’s just a writer. It’s just books. You know, like make-believe. Who cares?”

  “Make-believe, huh?” Rufus pulled a white glove out of his pocket. “All I know is, I found this in I.B.’s house,” he said grimly.

  “The Evening Sun—I knew it!” cried Z____. “They’re still trying to learn the Secret.”

 
“But—it can’t be one of them—they never take off their gloves,” A____ protested. “How do we know it’s not I.B.’s glove—he used to be a magician, right?”

  “You think I.B. would wear a white glove, knowing what he knows?” asked Rufus.

  “Fine, but how do we know it’s not yours?” asked A____, refusing to be convinced.

  “Really, you think this is mine?” Rufus put his hand against the glove. The fit wasn’t even close.

  THE TICKING CLOCK: A RACE AGAINST TIME!

  Now A____ and Z____ suspect the worst: that the Evening Sun are responsible for I.B.’s disappearance. The Evening Sun must still be hunting for the Secret—just as in I.B.’s books! This is scarier than the prospect of a deranged fan kidnapping him. Doubtless, something terrible will happen if your heroes don’t rescue I.B. soon.

  We call this the ticking clock.

  POSSIBLE TICKING CLOCKS:

  A bomb set to explode in a pickle factory

  The world’s chocolate supply destroyed

  A killer cheese mold loosed upon their home city

  Something not to do with food (Now, that would truly be a disaster!)

  Or, if you want to go a more predictable route:

  NOIR:

  The Evening Sun are going to kill I.B. if he doesn’t reveal the Secret.

  FANTASY:

  He will be stuck in a fantasy world forever if he doesn’t reveal the Secret.

  GOTHIC:

  He will be made into a were-hare if he doesn’t reveal the Secret.

  WRITE THIS:

  Feeling that their mission is more urgent than ever, A____ and Z____ ask Rufus to get them to I.B. as fast as possible. Unfortunately, being young and inexperienced, your heroes have already given Rufus the gold he desires. As a result, he ditches them at the first opportunity. I know, it sounds heartless, but as the author of this book, your responsibility is to put your heroes in the most perilous situation possible. Which means no protective teenager at their side. (Fear not!—we will find a use for Rufus later.)

  Alas, this means your heroes will have to find the place I.B. is being held on their own. Worse, you, the author, will have to figure out a way to get them there. What would I do in this awful circumstance? Well, I wouldn’t want to think too hard about it, I can tell you that much. I hate having to think about transportation issues when I’m writing. (It always irks me that my underage characters can’t drive. How am I ever supposed to get them anywhere?) Never mind the problem of a character not knowing where he’s going.

  If I were in your shoes, I would probably cheat. After their initial shock at being abandoned by Rufus, I would have your disgruntled heroes discover that he dropped the villain’s glove—along with a scrap of paper on which he has written the villain’s address. Too convenient? Then maybe he dropped a map with the villain’s location circled? No? Oh, well. Happily for me, the problem is yours, not mine.

  The Case of the Missing Author

  Chapter 7 (cont.)

  In which Rufus takes your heroes’ gold and runs away, leaving them to find I.B. on their own.

  REREAD EVERYTHING

  YOU’VE WRITTEN.

  DECIDE IT’S ALL TERRIBLE AND

  RIP IT UP IN DISGUST.

  INSTANTLY REGRET YOUR DECISION

  AND PAINSTAKINGLY TAPE YOUR

  PAGES BACK TOGETHER.

  TELL NO ONE HOW

  CRAZY YOU ARE.

  The Tension Mounts

  Where is I.B.?

  Rufus has told A____ and Z____ that I.B. is being held captive, but by whom? A dastardly villain, I hope. A nefarious, perfidious, and altogether hideous member of the Evening Sun. I know you’re anxious to meet your villain, but before your heroes face their new nemesis, they have to break into his stronghold—where he has stashed I.B. They have to storm the proverbial castle.

  So I repeat: Where is I.B.? What is this castle? Where does your as-yet-unseen villain lurk? A lonely laboratory? A forbidding fortress? A lurid lair?

  FILL IN THE DETAILS: WHAT’S ON THE SCREEN?

  NOIR: AN OLD THEATER

  When somebody is tied up in a noir story, it’s usually in the trunk of a car, or maybe in a smoky back room, not in a vaudeville theater. But it strikes me that a theater is a likely location for a magician like Rufus to send your heroes. An old theater provides a lot of ammunition for a writer’s arsenal: props and sets for your characters to dart in and out of, ropes and curtains for them to be bound with, dressing rooms for them to hide in. To establish a noir feeling, you should make your theater decrepit and run-down. Give the man behind the counter a sinister quality that makes your reader think he’s poisoning the popcorn. And if you really want to hit the nail on the head, have an old black-and-white noir movie playing on the screen.

  FILL IN THE DETAILS: WHAT’S HIDING IN THE SHADOWS?

  FANTASY: A CAVE

  Why fight it? If you’re being held prisoner underground, why not be held prisoner in a cave? Shackles and chains are always shown off to great advantage by stone walls. If you feel a plain cave is not fantastical enough, color the walls rosy pink or glowing green. Fill the cave with a silver pool and carve out glittering stalagmites and stalactites. And then for good measure, hide the cave with so many enchantments we fear your heroes will never find it—and that if they find it, they will never get out.

  FILL IN THE DETAILS: WHAT’S LURKING IN THE MOAT?

  GOTHIC: AN OLD CASTLE

  Here in the gothic story, I think your castle should be a castle. Let it rise out of the mist, a hulking mass surrounded by an impassable moat and impossibly high walls. As your heroes approach, do they risk detection by armored sentinels? Naturally. But in this world human guards are not the scariest adversaries. It is the inhuman creatures behind the castle walls your heroes should fear. Inhuman like were-Rufus… and were-worse.

  WRITE THIS (in three parts):

  1. THE DARING PLAN

  Now that they know where they’re going, your heroes plan their daring rescue. This probably involves a stakeout or some other way of ascertaining the layout and daily routine of the theater/cave/castle. A____ and Z____ record what time the doors open, who goes in and out, etc. Once they’ve analyzed their destination, they need to come up with a way of getting inside. Do they adopt disguises? Forge documents or party invitations? Wear black masks and leotards and descend into the enemy’s headquarters with ropes and grapple hooks?

  2. THE CASTLE IS STORMED

  Hooray! They made it inside. Your heroes should succeed in getting inside the enemy’s stronghold—but only long enough to give us a taste of victory. Inevitably, something goes wrong…. Do they make too much noise? Are they double-crossed by Rufus? Perhaps their fatal flaws come into play (see character profiles), and A____ or Z____ messes up at the wrong moment, succumbing to temptation or falling victim to his or her own pride….

  3. BUSTED!!!

  In any event, they are captured. As their arms are pinned behind their backs, they come face-to-face with the villain….

  The Case of the Missing Author

  Chapter 8

  INSERT CHAPTER TITLE HERE

  In which A____ and Z____ storm the proverbial castle, only to be caught by enemy forces.

  Pseudo-assignment:

  Outdoor adventure

  Many writers have an extreme fear of the great outdoors. This is not surprising given such factors as soft hands, pasty skin, and an attachment to keyboards and unwholesome snack foods. Nonetheless, I advise all writers to make annual excursions into the outside world. Supposedly, a little vitamin D from the sun is necessary to the health and well-being of all non-vampires, but that is not the reason for my advice. Rather, I recommend going outside to gather writing material. I mean that in a very literal sense. Topics to write about are readily available indoors. (What is the Internet for, after all?) But what materials are you going to write with? After a while you are going to run out of pens, not to mention paper or printer ink. Your assignment: go outside and
gather writing materials such as sticks, mud, and leaves. With your new materials, write a secret message to yourself. Or leave a secret message outside for another writer to find. Ideally, the message will be inspired by the materials; and, ideally, the message will be inspiring in turn.

  Villain: A Good Bad Guy

  Every good book has a good bad guy.

  Your villain is just as important as your hero; to put it another way, a hero is only as strong as the villain she fights. (Maybe a better word here is adversary; but if you don’t think of your adversary as a villain, then you’re not getting into the proper adversarial spirit.) Your villain keeps the action going. Your villain makes your reader grit his teeth in frustration or clutch her teddy bear in fear. The villain is the source of conflict. And without conflict there is no story. A villain is a writer’s best friend.

  What makes a good villain? It may seem counterintuitive, but I think it’s best to start with your villain’s most attractive qualities. What makes your bad guy powerful? Why do other people want to please him? Is it only because they fear him, or does he have some other sort of hold on them?