Drunk on a Boat

by Zane Mitchell

  Al shrugged. “Some men do.”

  “Well, I ain’t some men!” I bellowed. “Shit!”

  Al held his hands out flat in front of him. They hovered just above the bar top. “Alright. Settle down. No need to get all riled up. I was just asking.”

  “Yeah, well, I’m a little on edge today, if you hadn’t noticed.”

  “We noticed,” Al and Manny said in unison.

  Manny slid another mimosa in my direction. “Maybe it’s time to break out the tequila after all?” He looked at Al.

  Al swatted the air. “He doesn’t need tequila. What he needs is to let it go.”

  I looked at Al incredulously. “Let it go? Let what go?”

  “Everything!” said Al, waving his arms up around himself. “Let go of the past. Let go of the anger. Of the hurt. Of the pain. Let Pam go. Just let it all go.”

  I shook my head as I sipped my mimosa. “I can’t do that.” How was I supposed to just let that go? I was far too angry.

  “Al’s right, Drunk. Hate’s a double-edged sword, man. You can’t cut her without cutting yourself. And the deeper the wound, the bigger the scab.” Manny shook his head. “And you don’t wanna be some big ole crusty scab, man. That shit’s hard and nasty. That ain’t you.”

  “People tip you for that kind of advice, Manny?” I asked, hiding my anger behind a wry smile.

  Manny grinned and pointed at the tip jar in the middle of the counter. “Hey, man, tips are always welcome.”

  I leaned forward onto my elbows. “I’ll give you a tip. Leave the psychologizing to the professionals.” I swallowed the rest of my mimosa. My stomach growled fiercely, and my head still throbbed. It was a combination of a tension headache, a hangover, and low blood sugar. I turned to Al. “You had breakfast yet?”

  “Yeah, I had some oatmeal and toast earlier.”

  “You up for second breakfast?”

  Al chuckled and patted my arm. “I’m eighty-seven years old with nothing to do for the rest of my life. I’m always up for second breakfast, kid.”

  6

  “But what’s she doing here?”

  I pulled my shirt off and tossed it onto the pile of dirty clothes on the hardwood floor. I stood in the doorway between my bathroom and bedroom with my arms over my head, leaning against the door frame. My tanned stomach glistened beneath the soft glow of the moonlight streaming in through my window.

  “Fuck if I know,” I groaned. The conversation was quickly making my buzz disappear.

  Maclynn Rush kneeled upwards on my bed. Dripping wet from head to toe, she still wore the white mini sundress she’d worn down at the pool and clubhouse area while I’d worked security. But now, the dress clung to her heavy breasts, emphasizing the fact that she wasn’t wearing a bra and that, when wet, a white sundress became sheer. Her usually curly brown halo of hair was also soaked, and water dripped from the tendrils that were just now fighting to resume their curly natural state.

  It was late now. Or early, if you thought of it that way. A little after two in the morning. I’d stuck around down at the clubhouse long enough to dismiss Marcus and Charles, my two night shift security guards, and to make sure the clubhouse and swim-up bar got locked up properly. Mack had waited around for me while I’d shut off lights and checked doors. When I’d met her back at the pool, where she promised she’d be, I’d found her waist-deep in the center of the pool. She’d curled a finger silently at me, beckoning for me to join her.

  Whether it was the alcohol I’d imbibed while working, the stress I’d felt from being on the same island with Pam, or sheer horniness, I wasn’t sure, but I’d dived in without even bothering to remove my clothes and met Mack in the center of the pool.

  Without saying a word, she’d kissed me. The kiss was both sweet and tender, but also seductive and sexy as hell. I’d returned it, and when I’d reached around and grabbed her ass under her sundress, I’d discovered she wasn’t wearing any panties.

  That was all it took, and before I knew it, I’d christened the Seacoast Majestic’s swimming pool for the first time since arriving on the island. If I’d been a smart man, I’d have just left her there. I’d have made my excuses and been on my way back to my room alone. But I wasn’t a smart man. I was a greedy one.

  I wanted more.

  So I’d invited Mack back to my place for an encore, and on the way, that was when the questions had begun.

  “So I heard that woman you were hugging in the lobby this morning is your fiancée.”

  “Ex-fiancée.”

  “You aren’t together anymore?”

  “Nope.”

  “Then why is she here?”

  I shrugged. “You’d have to ask her.”

  “How long is she staying?”

  “She’s leaving first thing in the morning. Desi’s gonna have a car pick her up at eight.”

  “But she just got here?”

  “Yup.” I felt like I couldn’t breathe.

  “Then why’s she leaving so soon?”

  I crumpled forward. “Why do you need to know all of this, Mack? Doesn’t the fact that we just got busy in the pool tell you that Pam and I are over?”

  Mack lifted a shoulder before crawling, dripping wet, onto my bed. One of the spaghetti straps of her dress had fallen off her shoulder and cut across her bicep. Her round, hard nipples poked against the sheer fabric. I didn’t want to be talking about Pam when I could be tearing that dress off of her.

  That was when she’d whined at me. “But what’s she doing here?”

  I threw my arms out on either side of myself. I was tired of talking about Pam, thinking about Pam, and feeling her aura nearby. I needed to bathe myself in another woman to bury everything I felt. “Fuck if I know, Mack. I guess there were some unsaid things.”

  “And you said them?”

  My mouth hung open a little as I searched for the words. Mack didn’t need to know all the gory details of our split. She didn’t need to know that I hated Pam with every fiber of my body. She didn’t need to know that I had had nothing to say to Pam and that I’d ordered her to leave the island. So I merely nodded and tried to placate the woman whose body I very badly wanted to ravish.

  “I did,” I promised. “I said everything. She said everything. We hashed it all out. We’re in a good place.”

  “A good place, as in I should be worried?”

  “No! A good place as in the split was amicable. We’ll always love each other. You know, shit like that.”

  “Oh,” she said in a muted tone.

  The lie I’d told made my mouth taste bad. To tell the universe a whopper like I would always love Pam was like putting bad juju into the air. I strode over to my nightstand, poured myself a shot of tequila, made the sign of the cross, and threw back the biting liquid.

  “What was that about?”

  I slammed the shot glass down on the nightstand and crawled onto the bed like a black panther stalking its prey. “I wanted God to forgive me for what I’m about to do to you.”

  “Oh,” she giggled. “Well, in that case, amen.”

  7

  “Rawck, no morning kisses, no morning kisses, rawck!” The screechy sound came from my window.

  Facedown on my bed, I pried one eye open. An empty pillow lay beside me. Fuck. Mack was already gone. I forced my open eye to focus on the glowing red numbers a few feet past her pillow. Eight thirty-seven. Holy shit, that had happened fast. I felt like I’d just closed my eyes a few seconds ago.

  “Rawck!” Earnestine cried from my windowsill. “No morning kisses, no morning kisses,” she chanted. I could hear her little nails clicking on the wood as she danced.

  “Shut it!” I grunted.

  “Shut it, shut it, shut it,” she cracked, changing her chant just to annoy me.

  I rolled onto my back and stared up at the ceiling. Where was a fucking BB gun when a guy needed one?

  “Shut it, shut it, shut it.” Tap-tap-tappity-tap went her feet on the sill.

  A tap-d
ancing fucking parrot. Just fucking fantastic.

  I sat up. Slumped over, I stared at the bird. She was a pretty bird. Her head was a bright lime green color, and her zebra face was interesting to look at it. It was like something I’d only seen in a zoo.

  “At least you’re a pretty bird.”

  “Pretty bird, pretty bird,” she sang.

  I rolled my eyes and stood up. My head thumped slightly, but not as bad as it had the morning before. I strode over to my window and shooed Earnestine away, but I left my window open. I appreciated the fresh ocean breeze that flowed through my room. When my window was closed, the nasty scent of sweat mixed with dirty laundry made me feel intoxicatingly claustrophobic.

  My phone rang.

  I walked across the room and found a note scribbled on Seacoast Majestic stationery lying on top of my dresser. “Drunk, left to go to my place to get ready for work. I’ll talk to you later. Mack.”

  I glanced down at my phone. The number had been blocked. “Restricted,” I said with a bit of a chuckle. No doubt it was Pam calling from the airport to tell me she was leaving. I waved at my phone as I dropped it onto the dresser. “Buh-bye, Pammy.”

  Just the thought of saying goodbye to Pam buoyed me slightly. So much, in fact, that when Earnestine landed in my windowsill again, I didn’t even shoo her away.

  “No morning kisses, no morning kisses, rawck!” she screeched as it rang again.

  I laughed at the phone as I pulled a clean shirt and a clean pair of underwear from my dresser. “Sorry, Pammy, nobody’s home. Enjoy your ride back to America. Hope your plane doesn’t crash.”

  I strode into my bathroom and started the water. I was suddenly ravenous and couldn’t help but hope that Al was ready for another second breakfast.

  8

  Seated at a table on the main dining room’s outdoor balcony with an omelet and plates of French toast, sausage, bacon, toast, fried potatoes, fresh fruit, and rolls covering the table in front of me, I looked like a king about to devour a feast. Behind me, the ocean broke against Paradise Isle’s rocky western coastline, firing up white bits of foam and spray into the soft breeze and filling the air with the perpetual, rolling sound of the surf. Birds flew in from the sea and landed on the white-painted iron balcony railing, searching for uncleared tables and remnants of food while the uniformed waitstaff largely ignored their presence.

  I rubbed my hands together over the food as if the plates were a fire that warmed my frigid skin. I felt lighter than I’d felt in days and had a sudden insatiable appetite that I couldn’t wait to quench.

  Al shook his head as he stared at me incredulously. “You seriously gonna put all this away, kid?”

  My head tipped sideways as I grinned at him. “Do fucking spiders spin webs and creep me the hell out?”

  Al’s bushy brows lifted. “You must have a hollow leg or something.”

  I shoved a piece of sausage in my mouth and quirked a salacious grin. “I got a fairly large middle leg, if that counts.” And after the second night in a row that I’d been with Mack, I badly needed to feed the beast.

  Al’s head jerked back as if he’d just been hit in the head with a Nerf football. “Oh, for Pete’s sake, Drunk. I didn’t need to hear that,” he said through squinty eyes.

  I chuckled. “You know what, Al? I think today’s going to be a fucking great day.”

  “Boy, it’s like a whole new Drunk.” Al leaned in closer to me. “What happened to you?”

  “Can’t a guy just be happy for once?”

  “Well, sure, a guy can be happy. You just usually aren’t that guy.”

  “Thanks a lot, Al.”

  “I mean, if someone asked me for a word to describe Danny Drunk, it certainly wouldn’t be happy.”

  I chewed on a syrupy bite of French toast. “Yeah? What would it be?”

  Al shrugged. “I don’t know. Indifferent comes to mind. I can’t put my finger on it just yet. I mean, yesterday you walked around all day like someone’d peed in your Cheerios.”

  “That’s because Pam was here,” I said. “But you know what, Al? She’s long gone by now. Long fucking gone. She’s probably sky-high over the Atlantic by now. And I couldn’t be happier.” I pointed at him with my fork. “Ya like that?”

  Al looked at his watch. “It’s only a little after nine, Drunk. What time did she leave?”

  I shrugged. “Desi was going to make sure she took off early this morning for me.” I shook my head while dunking my powdered donut into a puddle of syrup on my French toast plate. “Great guy, that Desi.”

  “Yeah, Desi’s great,” said Al. He tapped me on the shoulder. “Speak of the devil.” He pointed towards the dining room entrance, where Desi stood conversing with Carla, the restaurant’s hostess, stationed on the other side of the all-windowed wall.

  “Ah! The man of the hour. I need to talk to him.” I stood up and walked to the glass doors separating the dining room from the balcony and waved him over. “Hey! Des! Over here!”

  Desi stopped talking with Carla and made a beeline for me and Al. His usual smile was faded, and there was a sharp crease between his dark brows. “Mr. Drunk, I need to speak with you.”

  “I need to speak with you too, Desi. Do you know if Pam’s over the Atlantic yet? What time did her flight leave?” I glanced down at the Smith & Wesson watch on my wrist. It was exactly a quarter after nine.

  “That’s what I wanted to speak with you about. Her airplane is still on the tarmac. They finished boarding ten minutes ago.”

  “Oh.” I frowned. “Well, what’s the holdup? Mechanical problems?”

  Desi shook his head. The look on his face said it was more serious than that. “No. I have a friend that works for the airline. I’d asked him to let me know when Ms. Calcara boarded the flight. He just called to tell me that she hasn’t arrived yet and they cannot hold the flight for one passenger. They have almost completed their preflight checks, and if she is not there in the next couple of minutes, they will leave without her.” He looked at me curiously. “But I have no way of getting a hold of her.”

  Tension froze my muscles. Pam hadn’t left yet? I shook my head and dropped my napkin onto the table. “I don’t understand, Desi. You were supposed to get her to the airport on time for her flight.”

  Desi nodded. “Yes, I asked Akoni to drive her. Yesterday I spoke to my friend at the airport and discovered that she was scheduled for the nine o’clock flight. I asked Mari to let Ms. Calcara know that they should leave at six o’clock this morning to make it on time.”

  “Okay?”

  “Akoni waited for her, and when she did not arrive, he went to her room. He said that he knocked, but no one came to the door, so he asked one of the maids to check her room to make sure she hadn’t overslept. But all of her things were already gone.”

  “She was already gone?” said Al, who now had a set of fully functioning hearing aids in his ears. “Where’d she go?”

  Wide-eyed, I parroted Al. “Yeah, where’d she go?”

  Desi shook his head. “Akoni assumed that Ms. Calcara had made other transportation arrangements. But now that we know that she did not make her flight, I do not know where it is that she went.”

  I frowned. This was seriously not happening. “Fuck,” I said, bobbing my head in disgust. I shook my head. “She decided not to fly out. I knew something like this would happen. Dammit, Pam!”

  “Are we sure that her new transportation arrangements just didn’t break down on the way to the airport?” asked Al.

  Desi’s hands went up in a perplexed shrug. “Without knowing who she received a ride from, I do not have any idea.”

  My phone rang. I pulled it out of my pocket and stared down at it. Another restricted call. Now it made sense. Pam had skipped out on her flight and had tried calling me, either to gloat that she wasn’t leaving on my schedule or to insist that we meet up before she went back to the States. I gritted my teeth. I didn’t want to hear the sound of her voice, much less what sh
e had to say. But I needed to find out where she was so I could send Akoni to pick her up and get her on the next flight out. I’d pay triple the airfare if I had to to get her back to America by lunchtime.

  “Where the fuck are you, Pam? You missed your goddamned flight,” I hollered into the phone.

  “Hello, Daniel,” said a deep male voice.

  I paused, taken aback. It hadn’t even occurred to me that it might not be Pam on the other end. “Who’s this?”

  “Let’s just say it’s not Pam,” said the man.

  My temperature was escalating quickly. Pam was trying to stay on the island, and this guy was gonna play with me? “No fucking shit, Sherlock.”

  “But I have a feeling you might be looking for her right about now.”

  I looked at the phone, stunned. Was this a friend of hers? Then it hit me. “Shitwell, is this you?” My pulse was on a high boil now.

  “Nope. Not Shitwell either.”

  “Where’s Pam? Is she with you?”

  “Now you’re asking the right questions.”

  “Who is it, Drunk?” asked Al.

  I waved a dismissive hand at him. “Alright, then. If you know where Pam is, then spill. She’s late for her flight back to the US.”

  “Oh, now, Daniel, don’t go getting ahead of yourself. First things first.”

  “First things first? What the hell’s that supposed to mean?”

  “Well, first we have a little matter to discuss before I tell you where Pam is.”

  I shook my head. “A little matter? What the fuck are you talking about?”

  “I’m so glad you asked. Allow me to explain. I recently received word that you’ve managed to come into possession of quite a large windfall.”

  “I don’t have any idea what you’re talking about,” I said through a clenched jaw.

  “Oh, I think you do know what I’m talking about. Thanks to the spike in the price of Bitcoin, I think you made out quite nicely. And despite the recent drop-off, I have reason to believe you cashed out before it dipped too low.”