by Alexia Stone
I went to touch the bed. “It’s great, Bray. I’ll be sure to thank Sarah for her help when I get the chance.”
“It’s fine if you don’t like it.” His voice sounded a bit hoarse. “Frankly, I hate those sheets,” he admitted. “There are towels in the bathroom and other items that Sarah got. I wasn’t gonna get those girlie things females need.”
I smirked at him. “Thanks for letting me live with you.”
“We live together now,” he said. “This is our place.” He sighed heavily.
“Okay,” I responded. “Do mom and dad know that I am back home?”
“I told them. And I made it clear that you needed this night to yourself.”
Feeling more relaxed, I tip-toped and patted his arm. He exhaled. “I am hungry. Are you?” My stomach growled to answer his question and he laughed. “Let’s grab a bite to eat. I’ll wait in the living room until you’re ready to go.”
***
For months, I waited for the sun to beam on my face like it did during summer. I peered outside of the window and admired the cloudless sky. It was the pale shade of blue that I loved, matching my mom’s and Brayden’s eyes. I enjoyed it almost as much the orange and pink tinges that formed in the sky when my day was coming to an end. The weather had been very inconsistent lately, even in Greensburg, PA. Yesterday, it was eighty degrees and the fog lasted the whole day, effectively ruining the effort I put into taming my thick curly brown locks. Online I learned that the weather was pretty much the same here too.
As Brayden drove downtown, the roads were basically clear and I fell in and out of sleep. I felt refreshed and comfortable in my new shirt, black cardigan and low cut jeans. Underneath, I wore the forest green silk set that Mateja liked. Roused from my slumber when he parked, he surveyed me for a brief moment. As I regarded him, I realized how much sleep I didn’t get on the train.
We were in Hell’s kitchen. Unbuckling my seatbelt, I followed his gaze, tapping my moistened fingers on my jeans.
“What’s up?”
Brayden tried to shrug nonchalantly. “Does this place look familiar to you?” He posed the question tentatively.
I looked around, saw the big heart made of grass on the right side of the mom and pop diner door, Jessup & Maim’s spot. My throat tightened. I didn’t think I’d ever feel my stomach knot up again like that.
“Brayden,” I said breathlessly, hoping that my racing heart would calm down. “I don’t t-think I can go in.” A bead of sweat formed on my forehead. My neck and my face felt clammy. I couldn’t wait to get another cold shower.
“I am such a fucktard,” he said with self-recrimination. He began to start his black Audi again.
“Don’t.” I ran my tongue across my teeth and smoothed out my damp shirt. I didn’t want him to feel guilty. “Don’t worry about it.”
There was no one around and from the outside, the diner looked empty. It reminded me about the times Brayden, Larissa, and I would go to Jessup and Maim’s Spot. Back then it was always packed. Families hurried there to put off the long wait for seating. “You know,” I took in a breath. “I forgot about our spot. I-I can’t believe—“
Brayden scratched his head. As he let out a resigned sigh, he knitted his eyebrows. “You forgot.” He hugged me. “But now we can be in a place where we had good times with Larissa.”
How could I tell my brother that his affection failed in comparison to Larissa’s? That only her hugs and back rubs completely soothed me? No, I reasoned that in this instance, verbalizing these thoughts would do more harm than good. It would be selfish. Before college, Brayden never so much as gave me a pat on the back. But then, he needed the bear hug now.
“You’ve gotten so big, Bray.” He loosened his hold over me and his light blue eyes held so much hope in them. “When did you grow up?” I doubted that he even asked himself that question.
The right side of his lip tipped up and he got of the car. Just as I was about to get out of the car, he opened the door for me. And when did he become a gentleman? I realized that I didn’t really know my brother. I probably never did.
We made quick strides to the diner. Without any discussion, we chose the booth that the three of us sat at when we went there. Brayden and I went to the same camp in elementary school. Larissa picked us up every summer for five years and brought us here. Mom and dad would’ve been horrified had they known. They despised fried food or anything that was very heavy on the carbs. Jessup and Maim still owned the place, that very fact elicited happy moisture to my eyes. Life changed, but for now, I could rejoice in something being the same.
CHAPTER 4
Maim lightly walked towards us, and kissed Brayden and me on the lips like we were her grandchildren. “My goodness, how you two have grown. So beautiful,” she shook her head in admiration. Turning to Jessup, her husband of over twenty-five years, she said, “Ain’t that right Jessup?”
Her voice was so faint that even I leaned in to her in order to hear her better. A warm and effortless smirk graced Brayden’s face. The glint in his eyes reminded me of the carefree disposition he had when we returned from summer camp and came here.
Maim served us chicken cutlets with homemade marinara sauce over penne pasta. It was amazing. They even made the pasta themselves. Years ago, we had the pleasure of seeing Jessup and the cooks make pasta from scratch on our first visit.
“Taste even better than before,” I murmured to myself. I was accustomed to pre-packaged food and ramen noodles. I gulped down my water, relishing the coolness that rushed down my throat.
Brayden inclined his head to me. “Wanna tell me how come you never let me visit you at school?” He asked abruptly, looking at me bemusingly.
I took off my cardigan and I wrinkled my nose at him, surprised that he cared. I kept in touch with him but I didn’t want him to put his life on hold for me, force a bond that we didn’t share. I huffed. “I wanted you to live your life, not worry about making time to see me…and the letters. The letters you sent me brightened my day, Bray. People don’t send letters anymore.” I continued. There was something undeniably special about handwriting and mailing a letter off. For most people, it was an inconvenience.
Discreetly, Maim refilled my glass with water and rushed to the front with Jessup. He raised his eyebrows, shoving his meal to the corner of the table.“I took another bite of my meal. “I told you not to come visit because I wasn’t ready,” I added in a hushed voice.
“You barely paid me any mind before I went to college.” His head hung low and he pinched his forehead. The last thing I wanted to do was play the guilt game. However, this was the perfect time to have an honest conversation with him.
“And that’s on me. I fucked up—big time. When Larissa died, I went through it too and I am stilling going through it, especially with new changes in my life.”
I brushed the strands away from my face. “You say there are new changes in your life.” I paused, exchanging plates. He smiled warmly at my move. “Care to explain?” I took a bite from his chicken cutlet, savoring every morsel. It was still steaming.
Hauling in a breath, he began playing with his utensils. When he stopped, he placed his hands on his knees, meeting my gaze. “Sarah ended it with me.” Immediately after saying it, he seemed to regret it.
My mouth dropped. She did seem a little different this morning, but I just thought she was put off by my drab appearance, and lack of energy. No wonder she was busying herself. Even though she mentioned him briefly, there wasn’t any indication that something was wrong with them. We never really talked about their relationship in depth because it was awkward.
I winced. “Bray.” He attempted a wry smile, but his face fell flat. I decided not to feed into the irrational thought that his concern for me confirmed that I was inept. “What happened?” They were friends since middle school and dated since the beginning of high school, when she was already a sensuous looking amazon, and he, the awkward one.
“She thinks I cheated on h
er,” he said gravely, shaking his head. “We’ve been together forever. And that’s what she thinks of me just because those girls keep flirting with me. They’re relentless.”
I squirmed, feeling a little confused. Sarah was very wise…and she had good instincts. At the same time, Brayden never was very smooth with females.
“What girls? Where you work?” He nodded.
“You wouldn’t happen to be modeling, would you?” I asked tentatively. Maim took both plates, which I happily polished off.
He inhaled deeply. “Yeah, I am modeling.”
“You said you’d never model after how harshly they treated Larissa.”
“Don’t be mad at me.”
I covered my forehead with my hand. “I am not upset with you. It’s a really tough and competitive industry,” I said in a low voice. “I am just a little surprised. You know,” I gulped some more water, chuckling to myself. “When I saw you, I thought…you look like a model!” He answered my question before I could even ask.
“No, I didn’t cheat…I didn’t touch, or talk to another broad about our relationship.”
I deeply sighed, lifting my head to the bright lights in the ceiling. I was beyond relieved. Sarah was the only one I allowed to visit me, just twice and that was in my freshmen year of college. The fact that Brayden didn’t throw that in my face showed me how mature he was. After visiting me, she decided that she wanted to go to college and not take another year to think about it.
“But I did talk to Jay about…our relationship…after she dropped me,” he said meekly. I rolled my eyes and I crossed my arms.
“Okay…did you tell him everything about your relationship?”
“Just the jist of it…not the physical stuff. That’s personal,” he murmured.
“Well, that’s good.” I swung my arm forward. “So what fascinating advice did he give you?” Brayden chuckled dryly, reaching for his glass of water. I guess I didn’t disguise the sarcasm from my question. “I don’t know why you’d ever confide in him about your relationship with Sarah. He never liked her.” He shrugged at me. “Never did.”
“He just said to wait it out, that she’d stop being a hothead and we’d work it out. They don’t like for each other…that happens sometimes… friends and girlfriends.” He lowered his voice. “I mean, you don’t have a personal life. Going to classes. Holed up in your dorm room or at work.” He tried to amend his comment. “You’ve only had one relationship and you let that go the waste side.” Brayden was almost inaudible. That comment stung deeply. I knew he didn’t mean to hurt me and maybe it wasn’t insensitive of him. Perhaps, it was the truth.
I waved my hand at him. “Yeah. I dropped the ball big time with Toby,” I acknowledged. “I know I am not a shining example for relationships, but don’t confuse me for being out of the loop,” I snapped at him. “Since you met Jay in high school, he’s tried to sabotage your relationship with Sarah,” I reminded him. “You simply trivialize it as gender conflicts. He’s always been jealous of you.” To my right, Jessup brought a three-member family to another booth at the back and he winked at me as he returned to Maim.
“Don’t ever patronize me again!” I blurted out.
“Yeah,” Brayden murmured. “I didn’t mean to say it like...or throw shit in your face.”
I motioned to him that I accepted his apology. “Well, I hope that you wouldn’t throw shit in my face; that’s not brotherly, after all. ” I quipped.
Brayden chuckled, the momentary tension decreased significantly. “Nah, forget violating the brother code; that’s just foul!” He grimaced and I bobbed my head in agreement.
“You don’t have to talk about Sarah with me …If you want to talk to me about anything, you can come to me. You’ve been so attentive and I’ve failed to really ask you what’s been going on with you,” I admitted. “Are we good…for now, at least?” My voice trembled and I realized that I really wanted a relationship with him, to confide in each other. I didn’t just want another roommate.
“Are you kidding me? Yeah, we needed to lay our cards on the table. We’re good.” His voice trailed off.
“Now’s a better time than ever.”
Brayden left them a small envelope underneath the saltshakers, a habit of generously tipping that Larissa started since our first visit to the diner. He got out of the booth. Jessup shook our hands and Maim gave us another hug.
Before I headed to the car with Brayden, I touched the heart shape made of real grass and I turned to Brayden. He stood beside me. “Who is your manager?”
“Khatia Skrobacz. She’s new in the industry,” he replied.
Closing my eyes, I hoped that he knew who was managing him. I wondered how my mom felt about not being his manager. But now was a really sensitive time and I didn’t want to explore that.
***
With a lot to think about, I went into Brayden’s room and took his clothes from his hamper. He went to meet his friends Dylan and Sascha for drinks. He invited me, but he understood that I wanted some alone time. Once I sorted his colors out, and set his clothes to wash, I skimmed the newspaper and noticed how much time passed, yet a lot remained the same.
When I finished placing Brayden’s clothes in the dryer, I returned to my room and I remembered that I had a ton of clothes to arrange. The bag containing all of my new lingerie was the first one I went through. The light scent of the sample perfumes between my bras and underwear was as intoxicating as the sight of Mateja’s dark broody brown eyes. Trying on the black nylon/silk bra and boy shorts that he liked.
For months, I only touched myself to shower. My nipples and my labia were sensitive to the touch as I lay on my bed. The contact of the sheer material felt good, yet, inadequate compared to my growing desperation to have Mateja soothe my ache with his hands, his manhood. Having self-restraint, which only increased my desire, I stared at the dark curtains covering the window, fantasizing about being touched by my dark and handsome stranger. Perhaps, there was greater fulfillment to be had in detached fucking. One thing was for sure; finding out would also be on my to-do list. I just had to find an adequate substitute for him.
***
The following morning, I opened my eyes and I saw darkness. Curled in the fetal position, my comforter was tucked in the roundness of my stomach and in the dent in my waist. I imagined that a particular gentleman’s body was wrapped around mine in place of the comforter. The air conditioner was on high blast and the coolness came to my room, the perfect excuse to be covered up. Then, the comforter was removed from me. Squinting as the streams of sunlight came in I wanted to throw my pillow at Brayden.
I looked at the clock: five thirty in the morning. Usually, I was awake by this time. When I saw my mom standing at the head of my bed with an overly enthused expression on her face, I felt like I would need a few more hours of sleep.
“Good morning, mom.” I wiped my face, trying to look refreshed.
She titled her head to the side, her hands perfectly still on each side of her body.
“Morning, grad!” She sat down, shaking her head as she looked at the sheets and the comforter. “How are you?”
“I am alright. How are you?”
Her light blue eyes widened, looking paler than I remembered and her black irises seemed smaller. “I am always well when I am in the company of my children.”
Sounds of chatter came in from the kitchen. Brayden didn’t sound groggy or tired at all. He came home late last night. I was up until two in the morning, doing his laundry and cleaning up the apartment.
“We were going to visit yesterday.” She pursed her lips at me and shook her head. “Brayden insisted that we gave you time to settle in. We tried to convince him otherwise. Now that you’re home, we know you’ll want our company.” An awkward moment of silence passed as she stared at me, unblinking. “Are you sure you want to live with him?” She said in a monotone. Then, she whispered. “This apartment is a closet.” She was exaggerating. Brayden’s apartment wasn’t huge
by any stretch of the imagination, but it wasn’t a closet, either. My room was, though. “I think that Sarah and him are having some problems.”
“Oh, really?”
She twisted her thin lips. “I called Sarah and-“
“Wait—how’d you get her phone number in the first place?” I asked plainly.
“Why haven’t you answered my question?” She quietly challenged. It took everything in her to keep her face as expressionless as possible; she had very faint wrinkles and feared deepening them. “At any rate, she didn’t answer the phone. I worry about Brayden. If it weren’t for Sarah, he’d be right at home like he should be! I could’ve found him a lady more suitable for him.” I highly doubted that. Despite Sarah’s best efforts to establish a rapport with my mom, she was unsuccessful. Sarah gave up trying to be overly civil with her years ago.