“Isn’t that what you do at dances?” he asked softly, his face so close to mine.
I nodded. Yes…yes, that’s what you do at dances, I thought in my head, but for some reason couldn’t articulate it into words. This was Graham. My neighbor and best friend. I’d known him forever and we’d had plenty of conversations together. Serious conversations, silly conversations—we’d literally talked to each other about almost everything in our lives. Why all of a sudden could I not even speak a coherent sentence to him? It was like I was awestruck, tongue-tied. Completely and utterly drawn to him. To be honest, I was fighting back every urge to not push up on my tippy-toes and kiss him.
This was just absurd, this was so…
I licked my dry lips. All I could do was focus on the loose strands of hair that had fallen around her face. Why, I don’t know. But with my fingers, I gently pushed them behind her ear. Cassidy’s eyes shut as I did, making my heart sink with every emotion.
God, she was so beautiful.
“Cass…” I started even though I had no clue what I was about to say, but then her lips were on mine.
My words were gone, my thoughts vanished. I didn’t have anything but masses of warmth and every happy feeling imaginable carrying throughout my body. I didn’t know how or what led to this happening, but I wasn’t arguing. Cassidy’s lips felt so fucking incredible on mine. It was like getting kissed behind the bleachers for the very first time but ten times better.
Not even thinking, my hands moved to her face, cupping each of her cheeks. Cassidy’s lips cracked and my tongue slid in. God…Lord, she tasted even better than I ever imagined. Slowly, sensually our tongues wrapped and slid along one another’s. I couldn’t even remember the last time kissing someone felt this amazing…I don’t think there ever was. But, as quickly as it started, it ended, our foreheads resting together, our heavy breaths bouncing off each other’s faces.
“I’m sorry,” she apologized softly as she tried to even out her breathing. “I didn’t…”
I shook my head, our foreheads no longer touching but our faces still in close proximity. “Don’t be,” I said, looking straight into her eyes. I started to touch her face with the back of my hand, but stopped and put some space between us when I saw the aptly-named Fuckface out of the corner of my eye, heading in our direction.
Cassidy’s eyes widened, confused. I hated it. It took everything in me not to grab her hand and run, but I knew I couldn’t, and when she looked over her shoulder to see what I was looking at, she took a deep breath and quickly started primping her hair, completely changing the state she was just in…with me.
I knew everything that had just happened between us was simply a lapse in judgment. It happened before for with us—though not so deep and emotional a kiss. I guess this was another one of our things; a blip in the friendship rules. Because yeah, there was still Connor in the picture, and she cared. She cared what he’d think, and I could tell she was nervous about what he might have seen.
“There you are!” Connor said as soon as he was in hearing distance, and by the fucktastic grin on his face, I could tell he was clueless, without one inkling of suspicion that his date was just borderline making out with someone else.
“Yeah, sorry,” Cassidy said. “I went to get a drink and bumped into Graham.” She was quick with the explanation, but as bullshit as her excuse was I couldn’t help but notice the sadness in her tone. She was lost, looking blankly back and forth between Connor and me as she spoke.
My mind was racing with what I should say. I even rubbed my face for clarity. It was Cassidy…I cared so much for the girl and wanted her to ditch Blakely so fucking badly, but I knew in the end, as much as our moments of weakness were fucking incredible, it could never be.
So, with everything in me, I put a smile on my face and inhaled deeply through my nose. I couldn’t believe the words that I was about to say.
“Go.”
She looked at me, her eyes blank and confused.
I nodded my head in confirmation. I hated that I was doing this. It was like someone taking a dagger to my heart, but I didn’t have a choice.
She started to speak, to protest, but I cut her off, giving her my best reassuring smile.
“It’s fine, Cass…go,” I urged her one last time. I wouldn’t be able to say it again.
There was a slight confusion on Connor’s face, but he was too much of a dumbass to put two and two together.
Cassidy swallowed hard and looked at me one last time before she turned to Connor, taking his hand and walking away. He started rambling to her immediately; all I could see was her head nodding every once in a while in response to whatever he was saying. When she got to at least ten or so feet away, Cassidy glanced over her shoulder, looking back at me. I hadn’t moved. I was still standing in the middle of the gym floor. A half grin lifted on her lips before she turned back around.
I was certain that my chest was empty. Everything that filled my body with blood and warmth was gone. My heart was with Cassidy. It always had been, but this time it was completely taken away from me. She took it all this time. I was empty. Broken. Done.
I played sick today. Connor asked me if I wanted to come over to his house for a post-Homecoming celebration. Last night at the dance, I agreed, but today I was having a hard time leaving my bed, and when I finally did, I found myself staring out my bedroom window at the driveway next door. It only had two cars in it instead of the three it usually had. Graham’s was missing, just like it was last night when I got home.
I contemplated calling him. I even had his name up on my phone screen twice, but then decided not to communicate. It was none of my business where he was or who he was with. I left him. I listened to him and walked away. In so many ways, even though he told me to, I picked Connor over him again. I had no right to judge or worry even though I did.
I heard a knock on my door then my sister’s voice follow it. “Can I come in?”
I flipped around in my bed and saw her beautiful face peaking around my door, skeptical and unsure. I hadn’t really talked to her much about last night or actually at all. After I danced with them for a bit, I left with Connor. I couldn’t even remember if I said goodbye.
“Yeah,” I called, sitting up.
“You okay?” she came right out and asked, taking a seat on my bed, facing me. How she knew that something was bothering me, I don’t know. Maybe it was that sibling intuition. Or maybe she saw me kissing Graham then leaving with Connor. Likely the latter.
Ugh. It sounded even more awful when I said it in my head.
I rubbed my face with my hands, sighing as I did. If I could be completely honest with anyone it definitely would be Lizzy, and I really was in need of some honest advice. My life went from pretty typical and normal to a whirlwind of crazy in a blink of an eye this week.
“I don’t know.” I looked at Lizzy, hoping she could see how honest those words were. “Just when I thought I was getting everything I wanted, finally talking and kind of dating Connor, it was like everything else in my life started going downhill, and then Graham…” I sighed again just thinking how all of a sudden everything between us seemed different and complicated. “I just don’t even know what to do anymore.”
“Well, what do you want?” She asked the question like it was that simple, and I guess it probably was that simple—just pick the guy that you want to be with—but it wasn’t. Each brought something to the table that the other didn’t. And then there was the worry that if I was wrong about something maybe being there with Graham and I, where would that leave our friendship if and when things went south? And was there really something more there, or was he a comfort thing for me? I just didn’t know.
“I don’t know, Lizzy,” I confessed, feeling even more down with myself than I had when I woke up.
Her expression changed to one of sorrow. I could see how badly she felt for me. Visually, it was easy to see how much it all was affecting me. I didn’t play people. I didn’t d
ate multiple guys. I wasn’t a whore. In fact, I was still a virgin. I could count on one hand how many boys I even went past first base with.
“You just have to be honest with yourself, Cass,” Lizzy said softly.
Again, she made that sound so simple. If I were to be honest with myself, I really had no clue how to feel.
“Why did you go with him?” I asked her out of nowhere. The idea of it all just popped in my head. The whole them going together last night was kind of out of nowhere and very random. I wanted to know how that all came about, so why not ask?
“He asked me.”
I tilted my head. Come on! That was the obvious.
“It’s the truth,” she confirmed, smiling. “I went over to his house after you left to see how he was. I hadn’t seen him in a while, and he asked me if I wanted to go.” She shrugged her shoulders. “And I said sure.”
“What do you mean to see how he was?” I asked. Was she like Abby and knew there was something more? Was I the only one who was in the dark?
Lizzy squinted her eyes and tilted her head. “What do you mean?” she asked. “I just went over to see how he’d been.”
My body slouched. No extra information was coming from her. “I don’t know. I guess I was wondering if there was more to it,” I explained, disappointed.
“I think you know what you want, Cass, but you’re afraid to want him,” Lizzy said, placing her hand on my leg for comfort.
I looked at Lizzy as my stomach twisted and a knot formed in my throat. Afraid of what would happen was an understatement. I was terrified.
Holy shit.
I rubbed my eyes and lifted my head—well, tried to. Drinking wasn’t my thing. I’d done it a time or two, but nothing like I did last night. Because yeah, things just got fan-freaking-tastic after Cassidy left with Connor.
I was voted Homecoming King. Yup, got the crown and all. One should be completely thrilled by getting such an honor, but no, I stood up on the podium all by myself, because the queen, Cassidy James, was nowhere to be found. Apparently Fuckface hadn’t wanted to stay until the end. But, thanks to Cassidy’s and our stellar Grease getups, we won Spirit Week and the crowns of the evening.
I can’t tell you how awesome it felt standing there by myself…especially after all that happened earlier in the night.
Rage. Every ounce of me engulfed with rage like no other.
I raced out of that gym. I couldn’t remember a time I’d been so pissed, and when Ben Thompson stopped me outside, offering me an invite to a party, I agreed without hesitation. Beer and other girls were a perfect escape from my shittastic life. An easy distraction was exactly what I needed—to act like a normal eighteen-year-old and less like a pussy-whipped idiot.
But now, as I looked around from where I sat on the couch and saw people sprawled out everywhere, beer cans and red plastic cups blanketing the floor, it may not have been the best idea.
It was all a hot mess, and any recollection of the night after leaving the school was all a blur. Visions of dirt bikes, beer pong, and girls that I’d never seen before popped in and out of my head.
Shit…fuck. It was all I kept thinking as I ran my hand through my hair. I think I may have kissed someone. I think her name was Kiera. For some reason that name was standing out.
Oh man!
Kiera was passed out next me… with no shirt on.
I looked down at myself.
My clothes were a mess, but all of them still on my body.
Thank God for that! Maybe I just grazed first base?
But as quickly as my relief came, it went. I shook my head, grossed out, as vomit swirled up my throat and in my mouth. I had to get out of here. Death was slowly creeping over me. As painful as it was, I stood and stepped over a few people to get to my jacket I found slung over the chair not too far away.
What high schooler had parties like these?
“Dude, crazy night, right?” Ben scared the living shit out of me when I stepped out the front door, shielding my eyes from the insanely bright sun. He was smoking a cigarette, way too awake, and not appearing as hungover at all.
How the hell did he do this?
“Something like that,” I groaned in response.
“Dude, Kiera was totally digging you.” He nudged my arm, winking. “Did you get her digits? She’s a good time.”
“No,” I replied, completely uninterested. She was cute, but clearly too slutty for my tastes. “But, how’re you…” I raised my hand to his completely unaffected body. “Not hurting today?”
He laughed then picked up the beer sitting on the brick railing and took a swig. “Kill it with what caused it!”
I wanted to puke. No fucking way was I putting anymore alcohol in my system. The dude was out of his mind.
“Is this your house?” I asked. I didn’t get this at all. Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for having a good time, but seriously, we were in high school. This shit was like a college frat party.
“Yeah. Well, my dad’s,” Ben said. “He’s never home. Lead singer of a garage band that thinks they’re all fucking amazing, but really, they’re totally has-beens.”
“What, do they tour?” I asked. I didn’t know why I cared so much, but I asked anyway. Curious, I guess.
He rolled his eyes. Clearly he wasn’t daddy’s number one fan. “If piling up in a beat up Chevy van and playing at bars that no one has ever heard of counts, then yeah,” he said kind of bitterly before taking another swig of his beer.
I kind of felt bad for him. This was obviously a sore subject. But as much as I wanted to stay and be a friend and listen, I felt like ass. I needed to go.
“I guess it’s doing something.” I really had no idea how to respond.
So awkward.
He shrugged his shoulders. “I suppose.”
Okay.
“Well, uh, I gotta go, man,” I said, swallowing back yet another vurp in my mouth. It was coming, and if I didn’t jet, it’d be on Ben’s feet. “Thanks for last night. I’ll see ya in class Monday,” I added before bolting down the driveway. Thank the heavens above, my car was parked on the street and not stuck in front of anyone else in the driveway.
Even though it was a cold fall day, I rolled all the windows down and let the cool air whip across the car, cooling my face and diluting the nasty ass smell coming from my mouth.
Ass. Oh my God, I felt like hell on earth!
As I ran my hand through my hair then rested my elbow on the inside sill of my window, I thought about her. I hated it. I hated how much she consumed me. Not a day, minute, or second went by when I wasn’t thinking about fucking Cassidy James.
Fuck!
I punched the steering wheel of my car. Why did it have to be so fucked up? Why couldn’t she and I be more black and white? Everything was so fucking grey. Nothing was clear between us. I cared so much about the girl, but it was completely useless.
I sighed as I hung up the phone with Connor, my heart racing, and anxiety running wild within. I felt like complete crap. I was an awful, terrible person. Connor played twenty-one questions on the phone regarding Graham and me. Apparently he got wind of something happening at the dance. I lied. What came out of my mouth was anything but the truth. And thank goodness no mention of the kiss was brought up. Somehow that went unnoticed.
Could I really have dodged a bullet with this one?
I was completely prepared to have my phone lighting up like a Christmas tree today with who kissed who, were we together, did I dump Connor for Graham…blah, blah, blah, but nothing. Other than Connor, my phone had yet to ring. No notifications or texts at all. It was completely bizarre.
The only thing that kind of had me thinking that maybe Connor knew more than he was revealing was the fact that he was insistent that he and I were exclusive and not dating anyone else. Oh, and he’d be bringing me to school now. He said it would surely be okay with my parents since he’d brought me home before curfew earlier this week. It kind of made me speechless. I’d nev
er had anyone insist that we were together.
I agreed.
What else was I supposed to say?
It was super weird, and not sitting well with me. After the dance, I had no clue if I was even that into Connor anymore. He was kind of boring, and way cockier than I ever noticed. There was nothing really fun about him, but he lived and breathed football and talked about it 24/7. Sorry, I like going to football games and all, but there’s more to life than that. All in all, he was kind of dull.
And Graham…that whole situation was insanely weird. He still wasn’t…wait! Oh my God, is that his car?
The sound of gravel sounded outside, making me practically leap from my bed and to my front window. He was home. I didn’t think my breath could get any more uneven. I didn’t know why, but I was completely nervous to see him, even if it was from my window. Fear of the unknown, I guess. Graham has never not come home, at least to my recollection, and it was driving me insane that I didn’t know why. I had no clue where he was, who he hung out with after the dance, or anything. I left before he did.
As I bit anxiously on my lip, he finally stumbled out of his car. Yes, stumbled. Graham looked awful. His hair was disheveled and his suit barely on. A tear streaked down my face as I watched him lean over the garbage can just outside of his garage, throwing up.
He was majorly hungover or maybe even drunk still. I really hope he wasn’t the latter because he just drove himself home. I didn’t know why his going out last night and coming back looking like this affected me, but it did. Maybe because I felt partially responsible. This…this was totally out of character for him. Graham was sweet, and funny, and a good guy. He didn’t just go out and get drunk and do who knows what. Graham was a guy you’d be proud to call your boyfriend. I always said he’d make a good one.
I swallowed hard at the thought. He would make an amazing boyfriend.
Sigh.
“Honey, you okay?” my mom’s voice rang from behind me.
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