I hadn’t even heard my bedroom door open. I quickly wiped the wetness under my eyes as I turned around, a smile on my face. “Hi, Mom,” I said, trying to act as normal as possible. “What’s up?”
She looked at me skeptically for a moment. I could tell that my mask of appearing all right wasn’t really working, but she brushed it off and continued on with the reason for her visit.
“I was just seeing how the dance went. You haven’t come downstairs yet, so I wanted to make sure you were alive,” she joked, laughing lightly. “And I wanted to see your crown!”
What?
“Crown?” I looked at her, confused.
“Yeah, Lizzy told me you and Graham won king and queen.”
I couldn’t breathe. Why didn’t she tell me?
I was sinking into a huge black hole, drowning. It was like my body was being held down by a ton of bricks, the floor below me vanishing.
“Cassidy?” I could hear my mom question. “Cassidy, are you okay?”
But I couldn’t respond. I could hear her and see her, but it felt like I was in a foreign place, unable to speak.
What was happening?
If I couldn’t feel my heart and lungs pounding at mach speed like they were, I would question myself even being alive.
“Cassidy, honey, I think you should sit down,” my mom continued, taking my hand and escorting me to my bed.
I sat like she instructed, but still couldn’t feel my body. It was like I was a statue. An invisible statue.
I stared blankly at her as my mind tried to process what she had just told me.
We won Homecoming King and Queen?
“That’s why,” I whispered, mostly to myself.
“That’s why what?” my mom replied while rubbing my back, comforting me.
Oh my God! That’s why Graham went out last night and got drunk. We won and I wasn’t there. He was probably standing up there alone, without me, right after we…
Oh my God!
“I’ve gotta go!” I stood abruptly.
“Where?”
I was already throwing my hair up into a messy bun. I didn’t care that I was still in my pajamas and probably looked like a hot mess; I had to go talk to Graham. I had to apologize. I couldn’t even imagine how he must’ve felt accepting his crown by himself and knowing perfectly well why I wasn’t there to accept mine. I had left with Connor.
“I’ve gotta go talk to Graham,” I said in a hurry, quickly grabbing my cell phone from my nightstand. “Sorry, Mom.” I knew that I was acting completely out of sorts and probably making her worry, but I had to go talk to Graham right then. I would explain everything to her later. “I’ll be right back, I promise.” I tried to give her a reassuring smile before I hurried out of my bedroom, leaving her behind.
Bolting down the stairs, I slipped on my Uggs by the garage door before running across our lawns and right into Graham’s house.
“Hi, Mr. and Mrs. Wagner,” I quickly greeted both of Graham’s parents, who were sitting in the living room, as I passed. They returned the greeting, but looked equally as confused as my mom. I’m sure I was just confusing the hell out of everyone today, but I was on a mission and didn’t really care at the moment.
When I got to Graham’s bedroom door upstairs, I paused.
What was I even going to say?
I knew I had to talk to him, to apologize, but I had no plan. I didn’t know what I was going to say. I bit my lip as my fist raised, preparing to knock.
I sighed as my thoughts caught up with me. I destroyed Graham last night…numerous times. I ditched him, kissed him, embarrassed him…
Ugh.
I sighed again.
I was probably the last person on earth that Graham wanted to see. Actually, I wouldn’t be surprised if Graham never wanted to talk or see me again.
Letting my fist slowly drop to my side, I started to take small steps backwards. Everything in me started to sink again. I was slowly losing everything and everyone that I loved. Even if I wanted anything between Graham and me to happen, they couldn’t. I ruined it. I ruined us. I ruined everything.
Without even thinking or realizing what I was doing, I walked down the stairs and past Graham’s parents again. I heard them say something to me, but I just kept walking. With nothing but emptiness filling my insides, I walked back to my house, up the stairs, and back into my room. I laid face down in my bed and let the emptiness of my world sweep over my thoughts and whisk me away to sleep. I was done. I didn’t want this day to continue on any longer.
My morning was pretty typical. I got up, showered, did my hair and makeup, got dressed, and was now waiting on my porch for my ride. The only difference was that Connor was picking me up and not Graham, and he was late. Well, late by Graham’s and my standards. I’d dreamt of the day when I’d be standing on my porch, waiting for my boyfriend, Connor Blakely, to pick me up, but it just didn’t feel right. I was so used to Graham bringing me. It was our thing.
I let out a breath while I stood there, waiting. It was ten of seven. We should’ve already been on our way to school. As I raised my arm to look at my watch again, I saw Graham exit his house and walk to his car. My heart sank. I hadn’t seen him since the dance, unless you count spying on him through my window seeing him, or my attempt at talking to him yesterday from outside his door.
His head was down as he walked, not looking up at all, but as he opened the driver’s side door, Graham’s eyes glanced up and right at me. I should have looked away, but I didn’t. A knot formed in my throat as he stared right at me; no words, no expression…just stared. Naturally, I bit down on my lip. I could feel every emotion, tension, and feeling between us. Like someone had punched me in the chest, it was all hitting me hard and all at once. Something had changed with Graham and me because for some reason now every time we were together, I felt everything.
I started to raise my hand to wave, but he looked away and got into his car. Instantly, without even the chance to well, tears started to stream my face.
What had I done?
I tried so hard to make the tears stop, trying to control my emotions with deep breaths, but I was a mess. It was pointless. I sobbed uncontrollably as I watched Graham’s car back out of his driveway and down our street until it disappeared completely.
This was going to be so hard. How was I going to make it through the day…and see him?
I took a deep breath and used my fingers to gently dry my eyes and face. Connor would be here any minute and I had to look like nothing was wrong. Even though I felt like my entire world was crashing down on me, I had to appear to be fine. Honestly, I had no choice. Nothing I could do could save me from what I had broken. The damage was already done.
“Dude, chill the F out, man!” Troy yelled from across the gym as he entered, throwing his backpack into the corner.
Per usual, I got to school early today, but not because Cassidy needed to get here early—no, because that wasn’t necessary anymore now that she and Connor were a thing. Oh yeah, that was the new news carrying throughout the school, but I could feel it. Connor was threatened by me, and he was trying to come between Cassidy and me. To prove it, I got a lovely text yesterday, telling me to stay the fuck away from Cassidy. My reply…
Me: Try to make me, fucker!
I’d had it. There might not be a romantic relationship between Cassidy and me, but there was a hell of a friendship, and Connor Blakely would get in between that over my dead body. If he felt threatened by me, then he needed to grow a set of balls and be a man and talk to me about it, not treat her like she was his possession and tell her what to do. Even though I hadn’t talked to Cassidy regarding it, I knew. Cassidy would have called me herself and told me that she didn’t need a ride, not him. I could see it in her eyes this morning. He was a controlling piece of shit.
One would think that this was the real reason that I was so heated right now about everything, but it wasn’t. The real reason I was kicking the soccer ball so damn hard against the wall tha
t it echoed like bullets being shot was the fact that Cassidy was still feeding into his bullshit.
“I gotta let off a little steam,” I answered before pounding the ball into the wall again. I wouldn’t be surprised if it left a dent that time.
“As long as it’s the ball taking the beating and not me.” He laughed, jogging over to retrieve the ball before passing it back.
“Girls, how are ya?” Caleb walked in, smiling like a douche. I didn’t even reply, and kicked the ball instead. “Whoa, calm down, killer,” Caleb said after I obliterated another shot. “I thought you were going to be planning your proposal this morning, not trying to put a hole through the wall.”
What?
I stopped straight in my tracks and looked at him, puzzled. “What did you just say?”
“You and Cass. Was it right here?” he asked, pointing to the ground in the middle of the gym.
“You know about it?” I was completely shocked. There was nothing on any social media outlet, not Facebook, Instagram, Twitter…nothing. It appeared to go unnoticed. Everything was Connor and Cassidy instead.
Caleb’s eyebrow rose as he looked at me like I was an idiot. “Really?” he asked, chuckling. “Dude, that’s all my girl was talking about at breakfast yesterday.”
People saw it?
Oh, shit.
I ran my hand through my hair. Wait until Cass got wind of this. I could feel it…shit was about to hit the fan. If Connor was threatened by me simply because of Cass’s and my friendship, wait until he heard that I made out with his girlfriend!
I took a deep breath as Connor and I approached the doubled doors at the front of the school. I loved school. I loved being here. I loved the atmosphere. I loved seeing all of my friends every day, but on this day…I wished I were anywhere else but here.
When I woke up from my nap yesterday, my phone had finally come alive. I had notification after notification about Connor and me. Surprisingly, still nothing about Graham and me. It was just all Connor and Cassidy.
I didn’t respond to any of them; I honestly didn’t know how to. I wasn’t the one that made it official. I didn’t seem to have a say. But, as I took a deep breath and walked through the entrance of the school, I had a feeling I was going to have to face the music whether I wanted to or not. Connor and I were boyfriend and girlfriend, his hand wrapped with mine proved that. The smile on his face showed his excitement. Whether I was feeling uneasy about it or not…
Connor and I were together.
“My man!” Conrad said to Connor as we approached Connor’s locker, doing their little handshake as he did. There was a crowd standing there already, per usual. Where I thought it was cool before, that Connor was so popular, it was annoying now. It was like I gained a perspective of how things really were this weekend. They were all football meatheads—groupies to complete Connor’s Big Man on Campus façade.
Connor dropped my hand immediately, like I wasn’t even there, and started carrying on with all of them just like he had at the dance. It was like déjà vu all over. I rolled my eyes as I let out an exhausted breath.
Fun!
“Good for you, bro,” Max said to Connor.
My ears perked up. I looked at Max, intrigued.
What did Mr. Wonderful do now—sign a football deal?
But to my surprise, Connor seemed confused. “What?” he asked.
“I thought you guys would be done-zo with all the shit flying around,” Max clarified, pointing between us.
Huh? My attention was fully on Max now.
“What shit?” Connor said heatedly, taking a step forward. Obviously Connor took offense. Mr. Wonderful definitely didn’t like the idea of people talking behind his back. He was like a bull ready to charge. My stomach started to turn. This wasn’t good. I could feel it.
I swallowed hard.
“Whoa, dude. Take a step back,” Max said defensively, tilting his head, and puffing out his chest. “It’s Wagner you should be getting heated with for kissing your girl at the dance.”
Oh no!
It wasn’t a secret. Everybody knew. Dumb for me to even believe that it’d go unnoticed. We went to a small school where everybody knew everybody, and everyone saw everything. I was done. All the lies, all the guilt, everything that I’d been feeling since Saturday was about to surface. I was about to be perceived—if not already—like the shameful whore I’d been feeling like.
I wanted to run. I wanted to leave. I wanted to disappear. But when I looked up from the ground, Connor’s eyes were blazing down towards mine. He demanded an answer, confirmation…the truth.
“I, uh…” I stumbled for words. My heart was beating out my chest, every nerve in my body impeding my ability to speak.
“He kissed you?” Connor asked through gritted teeth.
Yes, but…
I mean, honestly we weren’t technically “together” when Graham and I kissed. That had to count for something, right? But before I could muster up any explanation, Connor was gone, stomping his feet down the hallway.
“Wait!” I called out after him. “Where are you going?” I tried to rush and catch up to him, but he was practically running, and the swarm of people that had just circled his locker was following, washing me up in their wake.
“Connor, please!” I shouted, tears already welling in my eyes and the knot from earlier building rapidly in my throat.
Where was he going? What was he going to do?
Graham.
Like I was just an object in everyone’s way, people nudged, pushed, and ushered their own opinions of me as they passed. I felt defeated, used, and lifeless.
“Way to go, Cass,” I heard Abby spit as she walked by. I opened my eyes to catch the back of her.
I’d ruined every single relationship I had, and now…now I had Connor and the entire school hunting down Graham.
What were they going to do to him?
Standing alone in the hallway, I wept like a baby. Poor Graham. He didn’t deserve this. He’d been nothing but amazing to me and this was how I repaid him?
I had to find him. I had to find him before Connor did. I needed to make things right and prepare him for the wrath that he was about to get from Connor.
All because of me.
The warning bell rang. We grabbed our bags and were off to first period, business as usual, but when we turned the corner, I received a not so normal greeting. Connor, accompanied by the remainder of the senior class, with a few underclassmen thrown in the mix too.
“Well, aren’t you the popular one,” Troy whispered from beside me, apparently finding humor in it all.
I wasn’t sure if it was going to be me against the school or if they were just tagging along for the ride, but I was certain that I was about to have a fun little conversation with Connor. I could be wrong, but I thought Mr. Connor Blakely might have just been filled in on what he’d missed this weekend.
“It appears so,” I responded dryly.
Don’t get me wrong, as they got closer, Connor appearing as a bull with horns, leading the pack, my nerves began to settle in. I’d never been in a fight before. I’d gotten pretty close a few times, but never in a full one-on-one brawl. I didn’t even know what I was capable of. Connor was a decent-sized dude. We both worked out and were physically fit, but he had a few inches on me. I had no clue how this was going to go or even if that was what was going to happen. I had no clue.
“To what do I owe the pleasure?” I called out when there were only a few feet separating us. I wouldn’t let my nerves be seen. He didn’t need anything else feeding his already enormous ego.
“You think you can just kiss Cassidy and get away with it, Wagner?” He got right in my face, leaving a trace of spit behind with his words.
I used the back of my hand to wipe his nasty-ass saliva from my cheek, but couldn’t help but snicker at his lame attempt at trying to threaten me. I wasn’t scared; slightly nervous, maybe, but there was no way in hell that I’d step down or even give him o
ne chance to feel superior to me. Not to mention, even though I’d never been in this situation with him, I knew Blakely was all talk. He would never put himself in a position to mess up his pretty little face. I’d let him talk, but I wouldn’t step down.
“Is that what she told you?” I smirked. I wasn’t about to throw Cass under the bus, but I wasn’t about to let it sound like I attacked her either.
“You think this is funny?” he continued to spit, nudging my shoulder with his hand. “You just couldn’t handle it, could you?” He pushed me again, making me stumble a little. “You couldn’t handle your girl wanting me and not you!”
Oh, man. It was taking everything in me not to swing at the fucker. I wanted to so badly, but there was no way I was going down for this. I wasn’t about to be suspended for throwing the first punch. He wasn’t worth my senior year, or blowing a potential scholarship. But man, my blood was boiling. There was nothing I wanted more at the moment than to see the fucker on the floor, crying.
“You?” I questioned, laughing it off instead. “You think she picked you over me? I let her go, dumbass!”
Oh, that hit a nerve, and just as I opened my mouth to continue, finding his sore spot, his fist swung around and landed right on my jaw.
There it was, my opening. The first punch was thrown, so now self-defense allowed me the opportunity to swing back. A wave of rage fired through my body. I couldn’t stop. It felt like I waited so long for this opportunity. I wrapped my left arm around his neck, my right fist punching over and over again. Blood spattered everywhere. I knew he was tapped out, but I just kept going. Connor deserved every last bit of fury that I was giving him.
“Enough, dude. Enough,” I heard Troy say, and then felt his arms wrap around me, pulling me away.
I tried to lunge forward again. I finally had my opportunity. I wasn’t going to blow it. I wanted this douchebag to see what a pussy he really was. No one deserved this side of me as much as he did.
No one!
“Fuck, man!” Caleb jumped in to help Troy. “Chill out. You proved your point.”
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