Everyone nodded.
“We’re happy to help you through this,” an older woman with short gray hair said. “I’m sure Alex and a few others wouldn’t mind sharing their phone number with you in case you need to talk any time of the day or night.”
Alex nodded. “I certainly will, and anyone else that wants to share their number with Clay can give it to him after the meeting.”
“Thank you,” Clay said. “This means a lot to me.”
The meeting continued for another hour as others shared their names and what was going on in their lives, good and bad. Clay felt the compassion of the people in this small group, and it made him feel welcome. He’d been to many AA meetings, and most were great groups, but this one was one of the best he’d attended. He was thankful Coop had found it for him.
After the meeting, a few people hung around for coffee and cookies. A couple of people gave Clay their numbers and encouraged him to call anytime. Alex came up to him after a while and gave him his card.
“Thanks,” Clay said. “But Eileen already gave me one. It’s good knowing that you live right next door, though.”
“Yeah. The girls seemed to be doing okay at dinner tonight,” Alex said.
“I’m glad to hear that. Maddie is angry with me, and Jilly . . . well, she’s trying her best to make me feel welcome. This has been a strain on us all. I wish Jess would wake up. The girls need her.”
Alex studied him a moment. “They need you too. I don’t know why you haven’t been around, and it’s not my business, but if Maddie is angry, then she still feels something for you. Jess’s accident is a terrible way to bring you all back together, but it could be a godsend too.”
“I don’t know, man. I would have preferred coming back when they were all healthy and happy.”
“I know,” Alex said. “We adore Jess and the girls. She’s made herself a part of this community in the short time they’ve been here. Jess is always a willing volunteer at the school, even though she’s been busy remodeling the house. And Eileen thinks the world of her. Jess is happy to watch our kids at the drop of a hat, and they share carpooling.”
“I’m glad they’re at home here. It’s been a tough road for Jess, so she needed a place where she felt welcomed.”
Alex chuckled. “Sorry. It’s not funny, but my wife sure wasn’t a fan of yours yesterday.”
“Yeah, I know. I was afraid she was going to call social services on me,” Clay said.
“Well, actually, she called the police to check on any restraining orders between you and Jess,” Alex said with a grin. “She meant well, I promise. She was only looking out for Jess and the girls.”
Clay laughed. “I guess I can’t blame her. I looked pretty shabby yesterday, and she’d never heard of me.”
“Eileen’s a good person, and you couldn’t find a more loyal friend in your corner. If she knew you were here tonight, she’d understand you better. I certainly won’t say anything to her because the meetings are confidential, but if you let her know you’re in AA, she’ll give you some slack. After all, she’s been putting up with me all these years.”
“I don’t mind telling her. I don’t mind anyone knowing. It’s a part of who I am. Thanks for mentioning it. I’ll be sure to tell her,” Clay said.
“Our group meets every Wednesday night at seven. And if you need help in the meantime, give me or one of the other members a call, okay?” Alex said.
“I will. Thanks.”
“Well, I’d better get home.”
“I’ll be right behind you. I have to pick up the girls.”
Alex left and Clay did too. Clay parked at the house and then walked over to get the girls. Alex and Eileen’s house wasn’t too far away, and he enjoyed the walk in the brisk air.
The AA meeting had helped him refocus on his continued dedication to his sobriety. Whenever he became stressed, he knew he needed the support of his fellow AA members. He depended heavily on Cooper too.
Two years ago when he’d left Jess and the girls to go into rehab for the third time, he’d promised Jess it was the last time. He had to make this one stick. And even though he hadn’t found the strength to go back to his family since he’d finished rehab, he had stayed true to his promise. Now, he had to work even harder to hold on to his family as well.
CHAPTER SIX
Eileen answered the door when Clay arrived to pick up the girls. The Neilsons lived in a neat, colonial-style house with white clapboard siding and black trim. It stood straight and tall, just like Eileen, and that thought made Clay chuckle. He asked her if they could talk outside a moment, and she agreed and stepped out onto the porch. “Thank you for watching the girls and having them over for dinner,” he said.
“I’m happy to do it. For Jess,” she said.
Clay nodded. He heard her loud and clear—Eileen wasn’t doing it for him. “I have something I want to share with you. Actually, your husband thought it might be a good idea if I did.”
Eileen’s brows rose.
“I was at the AA meeting tonight. I’m a recovering alcoholic.”
“Oh.” Eileen cocked her head and studied him a moment.
“That’s the reason I haven’t been around. At least, it used to be the reason, and I’ve dragged it out for almost two years. I didn’t abandon my family—I’ve been supporting them financially all along—but I wasn’t sure I’d be able to cope with the daily stress of family life and maintain my sobriety. So I stayed away. I realize now how stupid that was, but I can’t change it. I love my wife and my girls. Almost to the point where it hurts. I just couldn’t bear the idea of disappointing them again.”
It all came out in a rush of words. Clay hadn’t meant to bare his soul to this woman, but he did.
Eileen’s expression was one of surprise, but Clay saw more in it than that. He thought he actually saw her mind shifting gears as she thought over all he’d said. Her face softened, and a small hint of a smile appeared on her lips.
Feeling self-conscious, he ran a hand through his hair. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to dump all that on you like that.”
“No, no, that’s fine,” she said. “Actually, I’m glad you did. It all makes sense now. I never asked Jess about her husband, and she never offered the information. I suppose that was because she felt you’d join them someday soon. I was just happy to have her as a neighbor and a friend.” She reached out and squeezed his arm kindly. “I’m happy to help with the girls anytime you feel overwhelmed. And they can come here when you need to go to a meeting. Whatever you need, just let me know.”
“Thank you,” Clay said, relief washing over him. “It means a lot to me that you understand.”
“We all have our demons. I completely understand.”
He waited outside as she went to get the girls. He felt so much better now that everything was out in the open. Having Eileen on his side through this tough time would make his life easier. But now he had to come clean to the girls too. That was going to be tougher. How do you tell your daughters that you are less than perfect? Didn’t every parent want to be perfect in their children’s eyes? Although Maddie already had a low opinion of him, so maybe it wouldn’t be so hard after all.
The girls came out carrying their backpacks, and the three of them walked the short distance to the house. No sooner had Clay closed the door behind them than Maddie was already heading up the staircase to get away from him.
“Hey, Maddie? Could you come down here? I want to talk to you and Jilly,” he said.
Maddie hesitated a moment before reluctantly turning and coming down the stairs. “What?”
“Let’s go into the living room and sit down, okay?”
Dramatically, Maddie dropped her backpack, walked into the living room, and sat heavily on the sofa, crossing her arms. Jilly followed but sat down gently and waited, looking eagerly at her dad. Clay couldn’t help but smile. The difference between the sisters’ attitudes was night and day.
Clay pulled the desk chair over
and sat opposite the girls. His heart was pounding, and he felt himself breaking into a sweat. But he wasn’t going to give in to his nerves. He had to be up front and honest with them so that they could begin to rebuild a relationship. He needed to make amends.
“I wanted to talk to you both about where I was tonight. I went to a meeting where people talk about their problems and support each other. It was an AA meeting, or, I should say, Alcoholics Anonymous meeting.”
Jilly looked confused, but Maddie sat tight-lipped.
“What’s that?” Jilly asked.
“It’s a place for people who are alcoholics to come together and help each other maintain their sobriety.” Seeing Jilly’s brow wrinkle, Clay tried again. “Let me explain—” he started, but Maddie cut him off.
“Dad is a drunk,” she told Jilly. “He used to sit in bars and drink too much, then come home and make Mom sad.”
Clay’s mouth dropped open. He’d figured that Maddie remembered his drinking to some degree, but it surprised him the harsh way she had said, “Dad is a drunk.”
Clearing his throat, he continued. “Yes, Maddie, I used to drink. Used to. But I haven’t had a drink in almost two years. It pains me that you remember me that way, but I only have myself to blame.”
He took a deep breath to calm his nerves. “In AA, when we’ve wronged someone, we try to make amends. I know I can’t bring back the years I’ve lost with you two, but I want to try and make it up to you by being here now. I’m sorry, Maddie. I’m sorry, Jilly. I love you both, and I want to try to rebuild our relationships with each other so we can all be a family again.”
Maddie stood, her eyes spitting fire. “I don’t! And I won’t take your apology. You left us and didn’t come home, and I won’t forgive you for that. Mom is going to wake up, and then you’ll be gone again. And that’s fine with me.”
She ran to the stairs and then turned and glared at him. “I hate you for leaving, and I hate you for coming here now and thinking you can be our dad again. I hate you!”
She grabbed her backpack and ran up the stairs, leaving Clay and Jilly to stare after her. Clay dropped his head into his hands. Why had he thought he could do this? Maddie was right. He didn’t deserve to be their father. Apologizing wasn’t enough. He had to do so much more to prove to her that he meant every word. He lifted his head and stared right into Jilly’s eyes. She was still sitting there, watching him.
“Do you hate me too, Jilly-bear?” he asked softly.
She slowly shook her head.
“Why not?”
Jilly stood and looked at him with sad eyes. “I don’t really remember you enough to hate you.”
Clay’s heart clenched, and tears filled his eyes. “Oh, Jilly-bear. I think that’s worse than if you hated me.”
Jilly reached out and wrapped her arms around his neck. He pulled her close, hugging her tightly.
“I’m sorry, Dad. Don’t be mad. I want to get to know you. I want you to stay. Maddie won’t stay angry forever. She’ll like you again,” Jilly said.
Swallowing hard, he pulled away to look at Jilly. “I’m not mad at you, sweetie. I could never be mad at you. We’ll just have to work on getting to know each other again, okay? And I’ll keep trying with Maddie too. I promised you earlier today that I wasn’t going to leave again, and I meant that. We’re going to be a family again. Will you help me?”
Jilly nodded her head.
“Okay.” He gave his daughter a soft kiss on the cheek, and together they walked to the stairs. “Good night, Jilly-bear.”
“Good night, Daddy.”
As he watched her walk up the stairs, Clay vowed he would never leave his children again. No matter what.
Clay walked into the kitchen for a glass of water. He was so wound up after the emotions of the evening that he knew he wouldn’t be able to sleep yet. As he searched through the cupboards for a glass, he noticed that there was a small wine refrigerator installed under the counter, filled with bottles. Jess wasn’t much of a drinker, so he figured she had stocked it for the guests. In the past, he’d rarely drunk wine, but tonight those bottles were too much of a temptation. He hurried to find a glass, filled it with water, and put as much distance between himself and those bottles as he could.
Stepping onto the front porch, he sat wearily in one of the rockers. The night was clear, and the air was crisp. He inhaled deeply, taking in the salty air, and listened to the sound of the waves caressing the rocks below. He loved the ocean—always had—and that was where he and Jess had spent most of their time together when they were dating. They’d drive along Highway 1 and stop at little diners to eat. In the evenings they’d walk along the shore, talking about their pasts and hopes for the future. Jess was different from any other girl he’d dated. She was beautiful and fun to be around, but she was also smart and ambitious. He’d admired that because he’d had goals too, and he’d found that the more time he’d spent with her, the more he’d wanted to make their relationship permanent—something he’d never imagined before.
August 2001
The warm evening breeze kissed their cheeks as Clay and Jess sat on the beach near the Redondo Beach Pier. It was exactly two months to the day since their first date, and from that day on they’d spent every spare minute together. Jess became Clay’s groupie, and on nights that she didn’t work at the bar, she sat in the audience where his band played and cheered them on. Clay loved her being there. Playing music was important to him, and he was thrilled to share it with her. And the other band guys liked her too, treating her like a younger sister. Cooper James, their bass player and Clay’s closest friend, adored Jess.
“How’d a guy like Clay ever get a girl like you?” he’d tease her every time he saw her.
“Just lucky, I guess,” she’d say with a wink.
Since tonight was special, Clay had taken Jess to a nice restaurant. She’d dressed up for him in a blue Hawaiian-flowered-print sundress and strappy sandals. The blue enhanced her eyes, and her tan shoulders and legs were irresistible. He’d brought along a single red rose, and Jess had smiled wide at him when he handed it to her.
“I didn’t know you were such a romantic,” she told him. “You surprise me.”
“Let’s hope I can keep surprising you,” he teased.
Now, sitting on the beach as the sky darkened around them, he kissed her like he had on their first date. When their lips parted, he gazed down at her, caressing her cheek.
“I’ve never felt this way about anyone else,” he told her. “You’ve changed me, you know that?”
Jess grinned. “How?”
“I promised myself that I wouldn’t fall in love until I was a famous musician. But I’m not famous yet, and I’ve already fallen in love.”
“I’m falling in love with you too,” She said softly. “And believe me, I wasn’t looking for a musician.” Her eyes sparkled mischievously.
“Let’s go somewhere we can be alone.”
Jess smiled sweetly. “That would be nice, but where? I live with two nosy roommates, and you do too.”
“I know of a little cove down the highway where people rarely go.”
“You know all the best places,” Jess teased.
They drove south on the curvy coastal road until they came to a quiet spot where they turned off onto a small road that headed down toward the cove. Clay stopped in the parking lot that overlooked the beach and positioned his car so the tailgate faced the ocean. No other cars were there, and the lifeguard shack was locked up for the night. They stepped out of the truck, and he opened the tailgate so they could sit on it and feel the cool breeze off the water. He set out the blanket that he kept in his truck, and they sat on it, snuggling close. By now the stars had filled the sky and twinkled above as the moon left a silver streak across the water.
“It’s beautiful here,” Jess said. “How did you find this place?”
“Our band played here once for a big birthday bash. We’ve played in all sorts of crazy places.” He
reached behind him for the cooler he’d brought along and pulled out two bottles of beer, handing one to Jess.
“What other strange places have you played?” she asked.
“Let’s see. We played at a zoo once. The guy had rented out the entire place for a night so he could have a party. The spot where we were set up was a distance from where the animals were, but the loud music still bothered them. The elephants and monkeys joined in, causing quite a commotion.”
Jess laughed. “Such a glamorous life you lead.”
Clay wrapped his arms around her and kissed her. “Do you know the best place I’ve ever played?”
“Where?”
“A little bar just down the street from the Redondo Pier. There’s a waitress there who wouldn’t give me the time of day. I fell madly in love with her.”
“Lucky her,” she whispered before their lips met again.
They made love, slowly and tenderly, under the stars. Their music was the sound of the waves lapping against the shore, and the glow of the moon was their spotlight as their bodies moved together in sweet harmony.
CHAPTER SEVEN
“We need groceries,” Maddie blurted out as soon as Clay entered the kitchen the next morning.
Clay was in desperate need of coffee after his restless night. Thinking about the first time he and Jess had made love had only made him worry more about her lying in the hospital in a coma. What if he never had a chance to hold her again? His love for her had never wavered, even while they were apart. He couldn’t bear losing her now without being able to tell her again how much he loved her.
“Did you hear me? We need groceries. We’re out of almost everything.”
He focused on his daughter. She was wide-awake and dressed, standing there staring at him with her arms crossed.
“Okay. We can pick some up on the way home from the hospital tonight,” he said. Groceries. Why hadn’t he thought that they’d need to buy some? It had only been yesterday that Eileen had dropped off a few necessities, but those wouldn’t last forever. Despite his anxiety over Jess’s condition, he needed to step up here at home. Things like groceries didn’t just appear out of nowhere. The girls needed him to act like a dad. And he was certain that if he did anything wrong, Maddie would let him know immediately.
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