A lone tear trickled down her cheek, and she swiped it away angrily.
“Is it a deal, Madds?” Clay asked.
Maddie nodded but didn’t say a word.
“Thank you,” he said.
He took a moment to let it sink in that a truce had finally begun. Maddie was still staring at the wall ahead of her with her jaw set tight. Clay took another calming breath before continuing.
“Now don’t get upset, but I’m afraid we won’t be able to go see your mom after school tomorrow. Jilly told me she has swimming practice tomorrow night, and I think she should go. But I’m going to need your help with this. I’ve never been to one, and I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do. Will you help me? I promise we’ll go visit your mom on Tuesday for sure.”
Her eyes gave away the anger rolling inside her as she processed the change to their plans. But after a moment of turmoil, her face relaxed a bit.
“Jilly needs help with her hair after swimming, and you won’t be able to go into the girls’ locker room. I’ll do it, if you want me to,” she said.
“Thank you,” he said, relieved.
She looked up at him. “You promise we’ll go to the hospital Tuesday after school?”
Clay nodded. “Yes. And any other night that there isn’t something going on.”
“Okay.”
“Thanks, Maddie. I appreciate it.” He stood and headed for the door.
“I’m doing this to help Mom, not you,” Maddie said.
Clay stood in the doorway but didn’t turn around. He knew that Maddie was just trying to save face, but he’d take her cooperation any way he could get it.
“I understand. Good night, Madds,” he said, then walked out of the room.
After saying good night to Jilly, Clay went downstairs, made sure the house was locked up for the night, and then dropped onto his bed. It had been another long, emotionally exhausting day. If he were still drinking, he’d be on his fifth or sixth beer by now.
The fact that he was even thinking of beer made him cringe. Alcohol was what had caused all the problems between him and his family to begin with. Slipping back into drinking was not even an option if he wanted his family back. But staying sober was a battle every day. And the tension of the past few days was wearing on him.
He thought about how stubborn and strong-willed Maddie was. As maddening as her behavior could be, he couldn’t help but smile. She was his daughter through and through and had Jess’s strong determination in her as well. But it would be nice if all of Maddie’s stubbornness wasn’t directed at him.
As he stretched out on the bed, his thoughts turned to Jess and her battle right now. He prayed that her own strong nature would fight and bring her home to him. Because more than ever, he realized that it wasn’t a home without Jess.
August 2002
Clay and Jess lay snuggled together on his bed, happy and satiated after making love. In the year since they’d been together, his career as a studio musician had flourished, and he was slowly making a name for himself as a talented lead guitarist. His guitar playing could be heard on several popular country and rock albums, and his band had also opened for several of those artists in concert. Clay’s growing work schedule had allowed him to finally rent his own apartment, where he and Jess could have the privacy they both craved. She was still working at the bar in Redondo but finally had enough money to start pastry school in September. Their dreams were coming true, but Clay had one more dream he wanted to fulfill.
“If you had a baby girl, what would you name her?” he asked, propping himself up on one elbow and looking down at Jess. Her hair was tousled, and she wore a serene smile on her face. He loved when she looked that way.
“Are you trying to tell me something?” Jess asked. “Are you pregnant?”
Clay laughed. “Smart-ass. No, I was just wondering what you’d name a daughter if you had one.”
“Madison. But her nickname would be Maddie.”
“Wow. You didn’t even hesitate,” he said. “Why Madison?”
She looked thoughtful. “I heard that name once—in a movie or something—and thought it sounded strong and confident. I like that. A girl named Madison would stand up for herself and not be stepped on by others. A girl needs to be strong in this world to survive.”
“You’re a pretty tough cookie when you want to be too.”
She gave him a sly smile. “I know.”
“Madison Connors. Maddie Connors. Yeah, I like that,” he said.
Her eyebrows rose. “And what makes you think she’ll have the last name Connors?”
Clay reached over to the nightstand, pulled a small box out of the drawer, and handed it to Jess. “Because I’m hoping you’ll agree to have that last name.”
She sat up and looked at the box in her hands.
“Open it,” he said softly.
She did, and gasped when she saw the diamond solitaire ring.
“I love you, Jess, more than anything in this world. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. Marry me?”
Tears filled her eyes. “Yes. A hundred times yes.” She reached up and wrapped her arms around his neck, holding him tightly. “I love you, Clay.”
When she pulled away, he reached for her hand and slipped the ring on it. “You can’t back out now. You’re wearing my ring, and you’re in my bed.”
She laughed. “You’re stuck with me now.”
“Forever,” he said, pulling her into his arms and kissing her. He had no idea at the time how difficult forever could be.
The next day Clay got up early to see the girls off to school, but they really didn’t need his help. They had their routine down pat—thanks to their mother—and they were up, dressed, and had eaten by the time he entered the kitchen.
“You girls sure are efficient,” he said. “Jilly? Did you do your own ponytail?”
She shook her head. “Maddie did it for me. She helped me pick out my clothes too.”
He glanced at Maddie, who was busy putting books into her backpack. “That was nice of you to do for your sister, Madds,” he said.
Maddie shrugged. “It’s no big deal.”
To Clay, however, it was a big deal. Maddie was a good big sister.
A horn honked outside, and the girls ran to the front door.
“Bye, Dad,” Jilly said quickly before she and Maddie ran to Eileen’s car.
“Bye, Jilly-bear,” he said from the doorway. He waved to Eileen and watched as she headed down the driveway.
After they left, he called the insurance company to file an accident report. After what seemed like forever on the phone, he got into his car and drove to the hospital. There had been no change in Jess’s condition overnight, which was both a frustration and a relief. He had hoped there’d been some new sign that she would wake up. The doctor once again told him that the chance of her waking up was good. Yet she slept on.
Clay sat beside Jess’s bed, held her hand, and talked of only positive things. “Maddie and Jilly are both at school today, and I’m taking Jilly to swimming practice tonight. Maddie said she’d help Jilly with her hair after practice. She’s so grown-up, Jess. Maddie is the strong, confident girl you wanted her to be. You named her well.”
He couldn’t tell Jess how much Maddie hated him, or how difficult everything had been. If she could hear him, he didn’t want her to worry. Jess needed all her energy to heal and come back to them.
Clay reluctantly left in the afternoon so that he’d be there when the girls came home from school. Traffic was lighter than he’d anticipated, and he made it home before the girls. Feeling wound up, he went down the steep steps to the beach and walked along the sandy shore.
The wind whipped his hair, and water stained his boots, but he didn’t care. It felt good to walk off his anxiety. A few years ago, after his second stint in rehab, he’d taken up running as a way to calm his nerves. It had worked for a while. He had run every morning; between that and the AA meetings, he’d kept alcohol at ba
y. But then he went on the road with an up-and-coming band to fill in as their lead guitar player for six weeks, and everything had gone to hell.
He came to a pile of boulders near the water’s edge and sat, staring off into the horizon. It was a wonder either girl spoke to him at all. How betrayed they must feel that their own father chose alcohol over them. How do you explain to a child that the lure of alcohol was so strong it made him choose unwisely? It was a thirst he fought every day, sometimes every minute of the day, for something that could ruin his life. He was supposed to love them more than anything else—and he did—yet he failed them every time he gave in to that thirst. Maddie didn’t need to tell him how much she hated him, because he already hated himself for disappointing her and Jilly.
“And Jess,” he said to the empty beach. “I’ve disappointed the woman I promised to love forever.”
A great sigh escaped Clay. He couldn’t change the past, but he could work hard at making a better future.
“Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.” Those were more than just words to Clay; they were the words that had helped him make it through two years sober. He could do this.
Looking at his phone, he realized he’d been at the beach too long. He headed back to the house. As he approached the front door, he hesitated. From inside, someone was playing the piano, and he also heard the strings of a violin. As he listened to the tune being played, he recognized it. It was his and Jess’s song, “Colour My World.”
Quietly opening the door, he stepped into the entryway. He glanced into the living room and saw Maddie sitting at the piano, slowly picking out the notes of the song. Standing beside her was a slender girl with long brown hair, holding a violin in one hand and a bow in the other. The girl tucked her violin under her chin and tried playing the notes that Maddie was showing her. Then they both played a few lines together. It was a bit stilted, as learning any new song can be, but it was music to Clay’s ears.
Maddie does have my ear for music. Look at her!
His heart swelled with pride as he watched his daughter continue to pick out a few more notes and teach them to the girl.
Movement on the left side of the room caught his eye, and he saw Jilly sitting on the sofa, swinging her legs, which didn’t quite touch the floor. He raised his finger to his lips so she wouldn’t speak, but Maddie saw the movement and looked up. Her expression changed from surprise to anger. She closed the lid over the piano keys.
“We’re done for today,” she announced to the girl.
Disappointed, Clay stepped into the room. “Please don’t stop on my account. I’d love to hear more.”
Maddie stood. “No.” She turned to the girl who was staring at Clay. “We’ll do more tomorrow at school, Emma. Come on. I’ll walk you home.”
Emma nodded and tucked her instrument into its case. She turned and smiled up at Clay. “Hi.”
“Hi, Emma,” Clay said. “Are you Eileen and Alex’s daughter?”
“Yeah,” she said.
Maddie scowled and tugged on her friend’s arm. “Come on.”
“Maddie and Emma were picked to play a duet at the orchestra concert,” Jilly said, running over to her dad.
Maddie turned and glared at Jilly from the doorway. “That’s not your news to tell,” she scolded.
Jilly’s excitement waned. “Sorry.”
Clay curled a comforting arm around Jilly’s shoulder. “That’s wonderful, girls. Congratulations.”
Emma beamed at him. “Thanks.”
“Let’s go,” Maddie said, nearly pulling Emma outside.
Before the door shut, Clay heard Emma say quietly, “But your dad’s so nice. And cute.”
Clay chuckled, then turned to Jilly. “Don’t mind Maddie. I’m glad you told me about the duet. Is that the song they’re going to play?”
She nodded. “I think so. Maddie asked me what song you played the other night, then looked for the sheet music online. She only got one page of it for free. But that was all she needed. She usually sounds out songs anyway.”
“She’s very talented,” he said.
“Yep. That’s what her music teacher always tells Mom.”
“Well, we all have our talents. I can’t wait to watch you at swimming tonight,” Clay said.
She beamed at him.
“Let’s make dinner,” he said. “You want to help?”
“Sure!” She skipped all the way to the kitchen with Clay right behind her.
Clay sat on the bleachers at the middle school pool and watched Jilly attentively as she swam laps through the water. She moved with the ease of a fish. Clay had never been interested in sports, so it was fun watching one of his children do so well.
“She’s really good, isn’t she?” he said to Maddie, who was sitting on the bench behind him and a short distance away with a math book in her lap. She glanced up from the sheet she was working on.
“Yeah. But I already knew that, because I watch her all the time.”
He ignored her tone. “I’m glad I get to watch her tonight. And I appreciate you helping.”
“Yeah, whatever.”
Clay scooched over a little closer to Maddie. “I really enjoyed listening to you play piano today too. I wish you’d play a few songs for me. You’re very talented.”
She shrugged. “It’s not a big deal.”
“I think it is,” he said. “Maybe I can help you work on that song. I know it by heart.”
Her eyes darted up at him. “No thank you. I’ll do it myself.” Then she returned to her math homework.
Clay sighed and returned his attention to Jilly in the pool. Maddie was one tough cookie, that was for sure. But eventually, he’d get through to her. At least, he hoped he would.
CHAPTER NINE
Clay spent Tuesday morning by Jess’s side and then picked up the girls at home after school and made the trip back to the hospital. It had rained that day, and the dark, wet pavement glistened in the headlights, reminding them all of the day Jess’s car had rolled over.
“Don’t drive too fast, Daddy,” Jilly said from the back seat.
Clay looked in the rearview mirror and saw that her eyes were as big as saucers as she stared at the road. He understood her fear.
“I won’t, Honey Bear,” he assured her. “I’ll be very careful.”
He glanced at Maddie, sitting in the seat next to him. She was also staring at the wet pavement.
“Mom had driven this road a million times in the rain and fog, and nothing had ever happened. How could she have rolled it that day?” Maddie turned to him. “Did anyone tell you how it happened?”
He shook his head.
“You just don’t want to tell us,” Maddie accused.
“No, Madds. I’d tell you if I knew, but only your mom knows what happened. The officer at the scene thought she might have swerved to avoid hitting something, but it’s just a guess. I wish I knew too.”
Maddie turned away. “I guess it doesn’t matter. But I’ll always think of Mom’s accident every time we pass that spot.”
“Me too,” Jilly said sadly.
Me too, Clay thought.
Jess’s condition hadn’t changed. Maddie moved two chairs beside the bed so she and Jilly could sit near their mom. Jilly had no words tonight. She sat quietly, studying her mother. Clay watched her from the other side of the bed and wondered what she was thinking. He didn’t want to intrude on her thoughts by asking her, though. So they all sat there quietly with the sound of the heart monitor echoing in their ears.
They ate dinner in the hospital cafeteria that night and headed home later that evening. As they rode in the dark car, Jilly spoke up in a small voice from the backseat.
“Mom is going to wake up, isn’t she?”
A chill ran down Clay’s spine. How could he answer such a sad question honestly without breaking his daughter’s heart? There was no guarantee that Jess would wake up,
no matter how much he wanted her to. Before he could reply, though, Maddie jumped in.
“Of course Mom is going to wake up. Don’t ask stupid questions.”
“Maddie . . . ,” he warned. “Jilly, sweetie, the doctor said that it’s not unusual to be in a coma after a head trauma like your mother experienced. It could be a week, or even five weeks. We just have to be patient.”
Maddie crossed her arms and glared at her father but remained silent.
“I’ll keep believing, then,” Jilly said. “I really want Mom to wake up.”
“Me too, sweetie,” He said softly. “Me too.”
The next evening, Clay attended the AA meeting in the church basement. Maddie had been upset that they weren’t going to visit her mother that night, but Clay didn’t cave. He explained how important these meetings were to his sobriety, although he knew his words were falling on deaf ears. But it didn’t matter; he needed these meetings to get him through the stress and anxiety he was feeling. Without them, he didn’t trust that he wouldn’t give in to the thirst that plagued him.
“Hey, Clay. Glad you could make it,” Alex said as Clay entered the room. Other people waved and said hello.
“Wouldn’t miss it,” Clay said. “It’s thanks to Eileen that I can come. Having the girls over for dinner is a big help to me.”
“She’s happy to do it. You and she may have had a rocky start, but she’s rooting for you now. I hear that Maddie is giving you a hard time, though.”
He nodded. “I’m working on that. Hopefully, she’ll come around.”
After the meeting started and a few others had shared stories about their week, Clay spoke up.
“Hi. I’m Clay, and I’m an alcoholic.”
“Hi, Clay,” the others said.
“It’s been a tough week,” he said. “As you all know, my wife was in an accident, and she’s still in a coma. It’s hard watching her lay there, day after day, not knowing if she’s going to wake up. The doctor says we should be patient, but it’s not easy. It’s especially difficult watching my daughters worry about their mother. My youngest is trying to be brave, and it’s so heartbreaking to watch. And my oldest is using her anger with me as a way to hide how frightened she is for her mother. I’m an emotional wreck at the end of each day, and if I didn’t have these meetings to vent, I’m not sure if I’d be able to maintain my sobriety.”
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