He watched as Maddie swallowed back tears. She turned watery eyes to him.
“Did you think sending money would make up for not being around?”
“Oh, Maddie. No, I didn’t think that. But it was my responsibility to make sure you girls and your mom were safe and taken care of. Believe me, Madds, I wanted to come back. I wanted more than anything to see you girls and be your dad again. But I couldn’t. I wasn’t ready. I was waiting for the right moment when I’d be strong enough. I didn’t dare mess up again. I was afraid it would be my last chance.”
Maddie stared him straight in the eye. “Tell me the truth. If Mom hadn’t had the accident, would you have come home? Ever?”
Clay was startled by her question. He watched as Jilly slowly made her way over next to her sister and looked up at him expectantly.
“Girls, I’m with you now; isn’t that all that matters?” Clay asked.
“Would you have come back to us if Mom hadn’t had her accident?” Maddie asked again.
He tensed. He could lie, but where would that get him? Maddie would see it in his face.
“Honestly, I don’t know,” he said.
Maddie’s eyes flashed with anger, and Jilly’s face fell.
“I was so scared I’d mess up again and lose you all forever that I kept putting it off. I’m sorry. I couldn’t stand the idea of disappointing you all again, and in doing so, I became a disappointment anyway.”
Maddie turned and walked over to the dining room, her stance rigid. Jilly stared at Clay, clearly trying to understand.
“But you love us, Daddy. Don’t you?” she asked pitifully.
Dropping to his knees, he pulled her into his arms.
“I love you more than anything in this world,” he said, fighting back tears. “Please believe me, Jilly-bear. I love all of you so much.”
Jilly patted his back with her little hands.
“I believe you, Daddy,” she said softly.
Clay pulled away from Jilly and wiped his eyes. “Maddie?”
Maddie stood, her back to him. She shook her head slowly as if to say she didn’t want to look at him. He respected her wishes.
Clay’s nerves were frayed. He needed air. “I have to get something out of the car. I’ll be right back.”
He strode out of the apartment and down the stairs. Once outside, he grabbed his phone from his pocket and called his friend Coop. He felt he was on the verge of a breakdown. He hadn’t expected the day to go sour. He’d wanted this trip to be fun. But he also understood that Maddie and Jilly deserved to know the truth. Unfortunately, the truth wasn’t always easy to tell—or hear.
Coop answered cheerfully. “Hey there, Clay. What’s up?”
“Hi, Coop. I needed to talk to a friend.”
Coop grew serious. “Sure. You know I’m here any time. What’s going on?”
Clay told him about the conversation he’d had with the girls. “It was terrible. I felt like the worst person on the planet. I should have lied and said, ‘Of course I would have come back.’ But I decided I needed to be honest. And it didn’t go over well.”
“I don’t know,” Coop said. “It sounds like Jilly understood. And Maddie just needs some time. She’s older, and your being gone that long has probably hurt her the most. Give her some space; she’ll come around.”
Clay wasn’t so sure.
“The big question is, how are you doing?” Coop asked. “You’re not thinking of going to the closest bar, are you?”
“No, I’m not that far gone yet, but I’m pretty stressed.”
“Do you want me to come over? I haven’t seen the girls in two years, but maybe I could cheer them up. And you too.”
Clay considered his offer. It would be easier if his friend was there as a buffer, but it wouldn’t fix things.
“Thanks, but I’d better go it alone. If I’m going to prove to them that I’m serious about being their dad again, then I have to be there for them no matter how bad it gets.”
“Okay. But remember, I’m here for you,” Coop said.
“We’re going to be at Capitol Studios tomorrow. Maybe you could drop by. I’m sure Maddie would love to see you.”
“Good idea. Why don’t you lighten things up tonight and take the girls for dinner at the pier?”
Clay chuckled. “It’s going to take more than the pier to smooth things over with Maddie. She’s a tough one. But I’ll try it.”
He said good-bye to Coop, braced himself, and headed back inside.
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
It took some doing, but Clay finally talked Maddie into going for dinner at the pier.
“Can we agree to a truce and enjoy ourselves tonight?” he asked her. “We have to eat anyway, so it might as well be somewhere fun.”
Maddie agreed only because Jilly kept saying she wanted to go.
“Have I been on one before?” Jilly asked excitedly as they left the apartment.
Maddie rolled her eyes. “Of course you have. We lived here for years. And there are wharfs and piers up where we live too.”
Jilly ignored her sister. “Dad?”
“Yes, you have, sweetie. Maybe you’ll remember this one when we get there.”
Clay chose to drive even though it wasn’t too far of a walk, since it would be dark by the time they headed back. He passed the bar where he and Jess had met, and it made him smile.
“See that business there?” He pointed at it.
“Yes,” Jilly said. Maddie stayed silent.
“That’s where I first met your mother. She was a waitress, and I was in the band. I tried flirting with her, but she ignored me. I won her over, eventually.”
“Yeah, yeah, I’ve heard this before,” Maddie said, crossing her arms. “Mom said she didn’t date guys with ponytails so you cut it off, and then she went out with you.”
“That’s right,” Clay said.
“You had a ponytail?” Jilly asked, giggling.
“Sure,” Clay said. “I was young and in a band. I thought I was pretty cool.”
“Right,” Maddie interjected.
“Truce, remember, Madds?” he said.
Maddie let out a long, dramatic sigh.
He parked a little way from the pier, and they walked the short distance. It had been a typical sunny Southern California day, so the pier was filled with beachgoers wearing all manner of dress from bikinis to shorts and tees. Clay watched Jilly stare with wide eyes at the people and shops. She wasn’t used to seeing people in various forms of undress because of Northern California’s cooler weather.
They went to Charlie’s Place for dinner and sat at an outside table. After ordering burgers, fries, and sodas, the three sat back and watched the parade of people pass by.
“Can we go down to the beach after we eat?” Jilly asked, gazing at the long expanse of sandy beach just off the pier.
“You’ve been on a beach before,” Maddie said.
Jilly’s excitement faded. “I just wanted to walk on this one.”
Clay gave her a warm smile. “Of course we can. For a little while. Then I’ll buy you an ice cream. How about that?”
Jilly’s face lit up again. “Okay!”
After dinner, they took off their shoes and walked along the shoreline as the waves drifted in. The sand was thick and grainy, but easier to walk on where the surf had pounded it down. Clay and Jilly led the way while Maddie straggled behind, obviously not in the mood for a walk.
“Your mom and I used to come to this beach all the time when we were dating,” Clay said, thinking back to the days when they’d sit on the beach in the moonlight and drink a beer or two. Everything had seemed so simple then. Easy. He missed those days, before he’d made everything more complicated.
“Is this where you first kissed Mom?” Jilly asked.
Clay chuckled. “Yes, it is. Right about there.” He pointed to the spot where they’d sat on the sand in the moonlight and kissed.
“That’s so romantic,” Jilly said, her eyes
shining.
“Oh please,” Maddie grumbled. “It’s so corny.”
“Was this the beach where you and Mom got married?” Jilly wanted to know.
He shook his head. “No. We were married in a little cove south of here.”
Jilly took her father’s hand as they walked back to the pier. It warmed his heart. He bought Jilly and himself an ice cream cone on the pier, and they ate while walking along, gazing into the shops. Maddie had declined a cone and trailed behind them. By now it was dark outside, and the pier was aglow with brightly colored lights. It was like a world all its own, and he could tell that Jilly felt the magic of it just as he did.
“Did you have fun?” Clay asked Jilly back at his apartment.
She nodded vigorously. “I love it here. Maybe we can come again.”
“Our home is up north with Mom,” Maddie said.
“Yeah, but we could come here to see Dad too,” Jilly told her.
“We’ll figure everything out when the time comes,” he said. “I’m sure I’ll keep a place down here for when I work, but I’ll be living up north with you and your mom most of the time.”
“What if Mom doesn’t wake up? Then what?” Maddie asked, staring hard at Clay.
Clay tamped down the annoyance rising inside him. “We’re not going to think that way, Madds. Your mom is going to wake up.”
She shrugged and went into the bathroom to change.
Clay hugged Jilly. “Good night, Jilly-bear. I’m glad you had a good time tonight.”
“Good night, Daddy,” she whispered into his ear. “Don’t mind Maddie. She’s always grouchy.”
He smiled. “I’m beginning to see that,” he whispered back, making Jilly laugh.
Both girls went to bed, and he threw a couple of blankets on the sofa for himself. He’d had fun going to the pier and walking the beach with the girls, despite Maddie’s bad mood. He loved sharing his memories of their mother with them. Over the past two years, he’d often walked that strip of beach alone, thinking about how his life had turned out and how much he missed his family.
He thought back to the last conversation he’d had with Jess, just a week before the accident. They spoke about once a month, but in recent weeks, they’d been calling each other more frequently. Jess had called to give him an update on how the renovations were going and how the girls were doing. It had been Jess’s idea early on that he not visit or call the girls until he was ready to come back to them.
“I don’t want them to get their hopes up and then be disappointed,” she’d told him. Clay had understood. He didn’t want to hurt them any more than he already had.
“I know you’ll come back to us when you’re ready,” Jess always said when they spoke. “You’re getting stronger every day, and you will come back.”
Clay was always amazed at how much she believed in him even when he didn’t believe in himself.
Three times he’d gone to rehab. Two times he’d failed. Because of that, every time he’d thought he was strong enough to go back to his family, he’d freeze. What if he returned and then started drinking again? What would Jess do then? Would she still believe in him or finally have had enough and divorce him? He couldn’t bear to think of that, so he’d put off returning to the family he loved dearly. Maddie had every reason to be angry with him. He had to keep trying to show her he’d changed. He couldn’t give up, just as Jess hadn’t given up on him.
They arrived at the famous Capitol Studios tower in Hollywood a little after ten the next morning.
“This is so cool,” Jilly said, wide-eyed as she stared at the tower made to look like a stack of records.
“I’ve been here before,” her sister said, acting nonchalant, but she still gazed at it with bright eyes. Clay could tell she was excited to be here too.
“Some of the most famous musicians of all time have recorded here since 1956. The Beach Boys, Rod Stewart, and the Eagles, to name a few,” Clay said proudly.
“Who?” Jilly asked.
Clay laughed. “Okay, how about Katy Perry and Sam Smith?”
“Really?” Jilly said. “Wow! Will we meet any of them?”
“No, you won’t,” Maddie said. “I never met anyone famous here when I was younger.”
“Actually, Madds, you once met Don Henley from the Eagles, but you were only five years old then,” Clay said.
She shrugged.
Clay laughed. “Boy, if that doesn’t impress you, Madds, nothing will.”
They headed into the building where they were given security passes to wear, then walked through a maze of hallways until they found the studio where he was to record. When they entered the control room, several people were already there to greet them, including Coop.
“Maddie! Jilly! Do you remember me? Your dad’s old friend Coop,” he said, coming over to the girls.
Maddie’s eyes lit up. “Uncle Coop!” she exclaimed.
He reached down and hugged her. “I knew you wouldn’t forget a great-looking guy like me,” he teased.
Jilly stood there, looking uncomfortable.
“Oh no. Jilly doesn’t remember me,” Coop said. “Well that’s okay, sweetie. You’ll get to know me today. I’m a pretty cool guy.” He pulled a bag of gummy bears out of his pocket and handed them to Jilly. Bending down, he whispered loud enough for Clay to hear, “I heard these were your favorite.”
Jilly’s face broke out into a smile. “Thank you.”
“I didn’t forget my Madds,” Coop said, handing her a bag of red Twizzlers. “Still your favorite, I hope.”
“Thanks, Uncle Coop,” she said, smiling.
Clay wished he could get Maddie to smile at him that way, but he was pleased that she was happy to see Coop again.
Jeff was there and quickly introduced the producer and crew to Clay.
“Are any of the other musicians coming today?” Clay asked.
“No. It’s just you,” Tony, the producer, said. “You can record your section, and it’ll be added in.”
“Sounds good,” Clay said.
“Come on, girls. There’s a spot in the back corner where we can sit and watch while they work.” Coop waved to them to follow him.
“See you girls in a bit,” Clay said, carrying his guitar through a door to the sound studio. He was relieved that his friend was here to watch the girls while he worked. He knew Coop would keep them entertained.
Clay entered the studio and headed to the single chair that sat in front of a microphone. A gleaming black grand piano was the only other thing in the room. Clay admired it a moment, thinking how wonderful it would be if Maddie could play it. The producer gave him a pair of headphones so he could hear the music that had already been recorded and play along.
“Chris was thrilled that you could make it. He loves how you play,” Tony told him as Clay pulled his guitar from its case.
“I’m excited to play on his album. I hear good things about him.”
“I’m so sorry about your wife’s situation. Has there been any change?” Tony asked, looking concerned.
“She’s still in a coma, but we’re keeping a positive attitude that she’ll wake up any day,” Clay told him.
“Well, Chris said that if he could do anything to help, let him know. And me too. Anything at all.”
Clay thanked him. It was a nice gesture, considering he barely knew them.
The soundman got into place and cued Clay when the music was to begin. Clay started strumming his guitar along with the music on the headphones. The girls sat quietly with Coop even though talking was allowed in the sound booth. From time to time, Clay would look up and catch Maddie’s or Jilly’s eye and wink or smile. He saw how absorbed Maddie was in the music.
She’s a true musician. She’s more like me than she wants to admit.
Clay played for hours as he tried different licks that would fit in with the songs. Coop took the girls on an unofficial tour of the building to kill time, and at lunchtime he took them to a restaurant across
the street for burgers. It was after five o’clock by the time Clay finished recording, and even though he enjoyed it, he was relieved to be done. Now he could put work on the back burner for a while and focus on Jess and the girls.
Clay came into the control room, and the soundman played back some of what they’d recorded for him and the girls to hear. All the other instruments were combined along with his guitar playing.
“Wow! Did you do all that?” Jilly asked.
He laughed.
“Just a part of it,” he told her. “They mixed what I did today along with what other musicians had already done.”
“That’s so cool,” Jilly said.
Clay noticed that Maddie was eyeing the grand piano. He bent down near her ear. “It’s a beaut, isn’t it? Have you ever played a grand piano before?”
Maddie shook her head. “Where would I play something that nice?”
He took Tony aside a moment, and they came back to Maddie. “Come on. The producer said you can see the piano.”
Maddie looked like she was about to protest, but the temptation was too strong. She followed Clay into the studio, with Jilly and Coop trailing behind. Slowly, Maddie walked up to the piano and tentatively touched the polished wood.
“Open the keyboard cover,” Clay urged.
Maddie hesitated, then opened it up. The keys looked as if they’d never been touched.
“It’s so beautiful,” Maddie said, staring at it in awe.
A voice came over the speaker from the control room. “Go ahead and play a song. I’ll record it for you.”
Maddie backed up a step. “I can’t.”
“Of course you can,” Clay said. “Here.” He pulled his guitar from its case and brought the chair closer to the piano. “Let’s play ‘Colour My World’ together. It’ll be fun.”
Maddie stared longingly at the piano. “I don’t know it very well.”
“Yes, you do,” Jilly piped up. “You know it. Go ahead.”
“I’d like to hear you play,” Coop added.
Maddie took a deep breath, and Clay was afraid she’d bolt for the door. But instead, she stepped closer to the piano, pulled out the bench seat, and sat down.
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