“Any time you’re ready,” the soundman said.
“Go ahead, Madds. You start, and I’ll play along,” Clay urged.
Maddie raised her hands over the keyboard, then set her fingers gently on them. She hesitated a second, then began playing the intro to the song. The piano’s tone was sweet and smooth, and Maddie played the song expertly. Clay watched her fingers move over the keys in wonder. This was his daughter playing so beautifully. His heart filled with pride. He began to strum his guitar, and they sounded perfect together, as if they’d practiced it.
When they came to the melody line, Clay began to sing. A microphone hung above them, capturing the timeless words to the song: “As time goes on, I realize, just what you mean, to me.”
It was so hauntingly beautiful that everyone watched them in silent awe. When the last note was played, Maddie looked up at Clay, a tear in her eye. He smiled, and she smiled back. For that one instant, Clay felt a connection with Maddie. Then Coop and Jilly began clapping, and it broke the spell between father and daughter.
“That was amazing,” Coop said, giving Maddie a squeeze. He looked at Clay. “You have a true musician in the family.”
“Yes, we do,” he said proudly.
A voice boomed over the speaker. “Beautiful! Come in here before you leave, and I’ll give you a CD of it.”
“Really?” Maddie said, looking at Clay. “A real recording of us.”
“Of course,” he said. “And recorded by the best in the business.”
They stopped in the booth after Clay packed up his guitar, and as promised, the soundman gave them a CD and a memory stick with the song on it.
“So you can share it with your friends on Facebook,” he told Maddie.
Maddie thanked him, as did Clay. Then they headed out into the late afternoon.
“Want to join us for dinner tonight?” Clay asked Coop.
“Thanks, man, but I’d better head out. I had a great time, though.” He picked up Jilly and swung her around as she squealed with delight, and then he gave Maddie a hug.
“Don’t be strangers, you two. I want to see you again real soon.”
“Thanks for being here today,” Clay told Coop. “You’re a good friend.”
“I know, aren’t I?” Coop teased. He waved and left.
Clay was thrilled the day had gone so well. He felt that today had brought him and Maddie closer.
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
The trio dropped off Clay’s guitar at home and then headed out to dinner. They drove to a place across the street from the beach and ate outside at a table with a blue-and-white-striped umbrella.
“I can’t wait to hear the recording from today,” Clay said as they waited for their food.
“Can we play it for Mom when we get back?” Jilly asked. “She would love hearing it.”
“I think that’s a wonderful idea,” he said. “What do you think, Madds?”
Maddie nodded but stayed quiet. The food came, and Clay and Jilly were the ones who did all the talking. Afterward, they went back to the apartment, since they wanted to leave early in the morning for home. Once there, Clay called Eileen to ask how Jess was doing.
“She’s still the same,” Eileen reported. “I wish I had good news for you, but nothing has changed.”
“Thanks, Eileen. We’ll see you tomorrow.” He hung up. “Mom’s still the same,” he told the girls. “But she’s sure to perk up when she hears Maddie playing her favorite song.”
Jilly nodded enthusiastically, but Maddie just sat on the sofa, still silent. Clay walked over and sat down next to her.
“What’s the matter, Madds? You’ve been so quiet. I thought you had fun today.”
Maddie turned sad eyes to him. “I did. I mean, it was fun going to the studio and seeing Uncle Coop and playing the piano.”
“But?”
“There was really no reason for us to come here. Jilly and I could have stayed with the Neilsons and not have missed school. I’m just wondering why you brought us along.”
“I thought you might like coming along. It’s been a while since you’ve gone to the studio with me. I thought it might bring back some good memories from when you lived here before,” Clay said.
She shook her head. “That’s not why you brought us here. I think the real reason is you wanted us to like it here. Because if Mom doesn’t wake up, you’ll want to bring us here to live so you can work.”
He stared at her, dumbfounded. “That’s not it at all. And don’t say that your mom isn’t going to wake up. She will. I know it.”
“You don’t really believe that. You keep saying it, but I know you don’t believe it. You’re already thinking of what you’re going to do when she dies.”
“Stop it, Maddie. Don’t say that! Your mother will wake up.”
Maddie crossed her arms and stared straight ahead.
He softened his tone. “Madds, listen. I thought bringing you here would remind you of the good times we had as a family and how close you and I once were. I had hoped it would bring us closer. I also didn’t want to leave you two behind. I couldn’t bear the thought of you both worrying that I wasn’t coming back.”
“I don’t have to come here to remember the past,” Maddie said. “I remember everything perfectly.”
“What do you remember?” Clay asked.
“I remember it all,” Maddie said softly. “The good times, and the bad. I used to go with you to the studio and see Uncle Coop. The other band guys came over to the house and played music for hours. I loved that. I remember walking the beach with you and Mom, and then with Jilly too, after she was born. I was happy. You were my hero, and I thought you could do anything.”
Clay watched as Maddie’s face grew tighter. “I also remember you leaving a lot, to play on the road, and to go to rehab. Of course, no one called it that. Mom said you were going somewhere to rest and feel better. I didn’t really understand why you couldn’t stay home and rest. I missed you. But at least you did come home—until the day you didn’t.”
Clay winced. It hurt to hear her say it that way. “Maddie. I’ve been trying so hard to prove to you that I’m back now and that I’m not going away. You’re right—I had a motive for bringing you here other than to remind you of happier times. I wanted to prove to you that I was going to return. If I’d left you with Eileen, I was afraid you’d worry that I wasn’t coming back. Bringing you and Jilly along was the perfect way for us to spend time together. As a family. That’s what we are—a family. I made a huge mistake last time, but I swear I’ll do everything in my power to be the best dad I can be now. Just like before.”
Maddie shook her head.
Clay drew closer to her on the sofa. “Madds. Please. What can I do to prove to you that I’m telling the truth? Yes, there will be times when I’ll have to go off to work, but I’ll always come home to you and Jilly and your mom. How can I make you believe that?”
“You can’t,” Maddie said, getting up and walking away from him. “I’ll never be able to trust you. Every time you leave, to work at a studio or play on the road, I’ll always think you won’t come back. Always.”
She walked into the bedroom, shutting the door quietly.
Clay felt like he’d been punched in the stomach. He’d lost Maddie’s trust forever.
“Daddy?” Jilly came up to him and touched his arm.
Turning, he gazed into his little girl’s sweet blue eyes.
“I believe in you,” she said quietly. “Maddie will too. Just keep trying to show her.”
Her words softened the blow that Maddie had just dealt him. “Thank you, sweetie. I really needed to hear that.”
She smiled and then headed into the bedroom.
Later, as Clay lay on the sofa and sleep eluded him, he thought about all that Maddie had said. He’d failed her three times, the last time by not returning like he’d promised. Through it all, Jess had continued to believe in him, but Maddie no longer did. And that tore at his very soul.
/> How could he blame her? Wouldn’t he have felt just as betrayed if he’d been in her shoes? There was no excuse. He’d made a huge mistake, and no one but him could clean up his mess.
2009–2011
After Jilly was born, life became even more chaotic for Clay and Jess. Maddie had started kindergarten a few days before the baby’s arrival. A week after Jilly was born, Clay went on the road for six weeks with a country western band. He’d wanted to cancel and stay home with Jess and the girls, but he’d signed a contract almost a year before and couldn’t get out of it. Always supportive, Jess took it all in stride.
“We’ll send you pictures and be here waiting for you when you come home,” she’d told him.
She’d looked tired but had smiled at him just the same. So off he went, and even though he’d been good at home about not drinking, it all went downhill the longer he was on the road. Endless hours on a tour bus with nothing to do and long nights of playing, packing up, and riding again made drinking an easy escape.
When he returned home, he found it hard to give up drinking all hours of the day and night. Jilly was a beautiful baby, but she didn’t sleep well. She was up every two to four hours, making it impossible for Jess or Clay to get any sleep. Clay helped as much as he could, getting up at night to feed Jilly and rock her back to sleep, but would then reward himself by having a few beers. Then he’d be up early to drive Maddie to school while Jess cared for the baby.
He loved his children dearly, but life was more stressful now that there was another child in the house. And being the sole breadwinner, he worried constantly about earning enough money to support his family, so he took every studio and road job that came his way.
Several times Jess caught him drinking while he cared for the baby, and she admonished him for it.
“You know how I feel about drinking while watching the girls,” she told him angrily.
“But it’s just one beer,” he’d tell her, brushing it aside as her being overprotective. Of course, that was a lie. He’d have three or four and hide the empties out in the trash in the garage.
It wasn’t unusual for Clay to drink too much while working at the studio. Knowing that Jess wouldn’t approve of his driving home after drinking, he’d sneak into the house and crawl into bed to sleep it off. But one night, when he came stumbling in at four in the morning, Jess was awake, rocking the baby to sleep. The look on her face said it all—she knew he’d been driving drunk, and she was furious. But she sat there, silent, as he crept into their bedroom and passed out. The next morning, though, she let him know how she felt.
It was a Saturday, so Maddie was watching cartoons and eating her cereal, and Jilly was in her playpen having a late morning nap when Clay stumbled into the kitchen for coffee. He was sure he looked as bad as he felt. But when he saw Jess’s face tighten, he knew he was in for it.
She stood and left the room, and he followed her into the bedroom.
“I’m sorry about last night,” he said. “It was a long day at the studio, and I had a couple of beers. You know how tedious those recording sessions can be.”
Jess turned and glared at him. “You were driving drunk—again! There’s no excuse for that. You could have called a cab to bring you home or slept it off at the studio.”
“Hon, it wasn’t that bad. I only had a couple of beers. I was just tired from eighteen hours in the studio,” he said, lying.
Her blue eyes flashed. “You reeked like a brewery, and you were stumbling around. Don’t lie to me, Clay. It just makes it worse. The drinking is bad enough, but drunk driving? What if you’d been in an accident? What would the girls and I do then? Why can’t you think of someone else besides yourself for a change?”
He was stunned. He couldn’t believe she was calling him selfish. “How can you say that? All I do is think about you and the girls. Why do you think I work so much? It’s for all of you. If I have a few beers now and again, so what? I have to let off steam somehow.”
His voice had raised, and he saw Jess’s face grow angrier by the second.
“Don’t you dare blame your drinking on us. You choose to work that much. We would be fine if you worked less, and you know that. You’re choosing work and alcohol over your family. We both know that, so why don’t you just come out and admit it!”
Clay stared at her, unable to think straight. They’d never had such an ugly fight before, and he couldn’t believe what Jess was accusing him of. He put his family first. How could she say that he was choosing alcohol over them?
Before he could reply, he heard a small noise in the doorway. He and Jess both turned, and there stood Maddie, still wearing her Hello Kitty pajamas and fuzzy pink slippers.
“Can we go to the park today, Daddy?” she asked, her eyes wide.
Clay wondered how much she’d heard and suddenly felt ashamed for fighting with Jess.
“Sure we can, sweetie,” he said, his voice now calm. “Let Daddy get showered and dressed; then we can go. And let’s take Jilly too and give your mommy a break.”
Maddie smiled and shuffled back to the living room.
Feeling horrible, he turned back to Jess.
“I’m so sorry,” he said softly. “I don’t know what got into me. I don’t want to fight. You’re right. I wasn’t thinking of anyone but myself. I promise I’ll do better.”
She looked at him, her expression pained. “You keep telling me that, but it hasn’t gotten better. Please, Clay. I can’t do this much longer. You have to stop drinking, or something terrible is going to happen.”
“I promise I will. I’ll stop. Please believe me, sweetie. I can do this,” he said, meaning every word.
After another year of broken promises to quit drinking, Jess gave Clay an ultimatum—stop drinking, or she and the children would leave. So in May 2011, Clay went to rehab for the very first time.
Clay and the girls headed home the next morning. Like the drive down, the drive back was quiet. His hopes of bonding with Maddie had been dashed. If anything, he felt even further away from her. He’d run out of ways to prove to her that he loved her. She just wasn’t ready to listen, and that hurt him deeply.
They arrived home around four in the afternoon, and Maddie immediately went upstairs to her room. Jilly also went upstairs to put her things away, but it wasn’t long before she found her father in the kitchen.
“Can we go visit Mom tonight?” she asked. “We can bring the CD and play it for her.”
Clay looked into his daughter’s hopeful eyes. He knew she thought that somehow the music would magically wake her mom up, and as much as he wished it too, he had to be more realistic than that.
“Are you sure you want to get back into the car after the long drive home?” he asked, hoping she’d say no. He didn’t have the energy for any more disappointments.
“Please, Daddy? I want to see Mom.”
He couldn’t resist her. “Okay, sweetie. Why don’t you ask your sister if she wants to go? We can eat dinner at the hospital.”
Jilly smiled and ran off to ask Maddie. Soon, both girls came downstairs. Jilly carried a small CD player.
They were at the hospital forty-five minutes later. Just as Eileen had reported, nothing had changed. Jess was still lying peacefully on the bed, still using the ventilator to breathe.
Clay kissed Jess’s forehead.
“Hey, sweetie. We’re back,” he said softly.
Maddie sat in her usual chair but made no attempt to talk to her mom. Jilly, however, was excited and immediately told her mother all about their trip, about watching her dad record in the studio and how Maddie and Dad had played a song together.
“You have to hear this song, Mom,” Jilly said enthusiastically. “Maddie played piano, and Dad played guitar and sang. It’s your favorite song. You’re going to love it.”
She gently set the CD player on the bed and put in the disc. Then she hit play.
After a moment of silence, the piano intro started, and then the guitar began strumming
along. Maddie played beautifully, and Clay’s guitar added depth to the melody. But when Clay began to sing, it became a hauntingly beautiful song that tore at the heartstrings.
As he listened to the mixture of his daughter’s soulful playing and the poignant lyrics, tears filled Clay’s eyes. He glanced at Jilly, watching her mother expectantly. She really believes that this song will wake Jess up.
His heart broke for his daughter. He wished it was as simple as playing a song to bring Jess back to them. Glancing at Maddie, he saw her wiping away tears. It was an incredibly heartwrenching moment for all three of them; they so desperately wanted Jess to come back.
A small gasp came from within the room, and all eyes turned to Jess. But she was lying there, silent.
“I’m sorry,” a voice said from behind them.
All three turned and saw a nurse standing near the door.
“I came in to check your wife’s vitals, and when I heard the music, I stopped. It was so beautiful,” the nurse said.
The song had ended, and Jilly clicked off the player, disappointment marring her young face.
Clay stood. “We’ll get out of your way for a while. Let’s go have dinner, girls.”
Silently, they filed out of the room. Inside the elevator, Jilly erupted in a flood of tears.
“Oh, Jilly-bear.” Clay kneeled down to hug her as she cried.
“I . . . thought . . . Mommy . . . would . . . wake . . . up,” his daughter stuttered through her tears.
“I know, baby. I know. I’m so sorry. I really wanted the song to wake her up too,” Clay said, his own emotions tearing him apart inside.
He wanted to put his fist through a wall, or run down the halls screaming his anger. Instead, he lifted Jilly up into his arms, and when the elevator doors opened on the cafeteria’s floor, he carried her to a bench by the wall and sat down, still cradling her.
Maddie followed and placed a comforting hand on Jilly’s back.
“I wanted Mom to wake up too,” she said softly. “But you tried. And we can keep trying, okay?”
One Wrong Turn: A Novel Page 14