by Claire Adams
I could almost still see Lillie sitting there at the bar, her hair in a ponytail, wearing her favorite short, blue khaki shorts and white tank top, with the loafers her dad had gotten her as a birthday present the month before. It had been the day of finals, and we were already done, deciding that it was time for some beers at Dotty’s. We sat at that bar for seven hours, eventually eating two meals and drinking more beers than I could even keep count of. We had talked about everything, starting with school, moving to Ollie and how smitten she was with him, and then on to the future. We loved talking about the future and how she was looking forward to teaching, to settling down and marrying Ollie and eventually having a family of her own. She wanted me to be their neighbor, to come over and play with the kids whenever I was home. It sounded like the best kind of future, one that I was really looking forward to settling into after graduation.
Lillie had kept me amused, feeling so good that I wished at times we could just bed down at Dotty’s and never have to return to the real world. It was more than just her being a good person or fun to be around. It was the fact that those moments were so perfect that even when I was in them, I never wanted them to end. It was hard not to want to linger in a place that felt like home, knowing that when you left, that experience would be over. At the time, I could feel that, but I thought there would be more. I thought that this was our life, and we would still be doing those things long after college ended. I guessed I took for granted the fact that life was unpredictable in a way that was almost cruel in the end. It gave you these amazing moments, these time periods that you clung on to like the guy who was the star football player, but after a knee injury spent the rest of his life coaching high school ball, trying desperately to live out his glory days through his players. I knew from the beginning that it wasn’t going to work that way for me, that I couldn’t be stuck walking around the past chasing a ghost. The world was amazing and full of good times, times that were really hard to let go of.
Now, though, that world seemed to have disintegrated, and it was all too obvious that the real world was missing my best friend, and our old sanctuary of beer and conversation, the one that had felt warm and inviting, now felt cold and empty. I blinked my eyes, and Lillie disappeared from the bar, leaving nothing but an empty stool and a hole in my chest. I was haunted, filled with ghosts of Lillie walking around everywhere that I went. I used to see her on campus, in the library, and even on the playground as I passed the park we used to go to talk. Over time, though, I had been able to push her ghost out, and attempt to live some semblance of a normal life again. Here, though, in the capitol of our debauchery, she roamed freely, whispers of her voice catching in my ear as I looked around the barren place, like staring at the inside of an abandoned house, knowing there was once warmth there, but being left with nothing but a hollow, gutted space, all the warmth having escaped through the cracks in the windows. I shuddered in my seat, feeling cold again, like I had the day that Lillie died.
“Earth to Glasses,” Ollie said, bringing my attention back to his face and the liveliness of the restaurant around me.
“Oh.” I blushed and took a deep breath, feeling my heartbeat begin to slow down.
He looked behind him at the bar and stared for a few moments, realizing exactly what was going on. He turned back to me and put his napkin on the table and shook his head. His eyes softened, and he let out a deep breath.
“Don’t worry,” he said quietly. “I can feel it, too. I can feel her too. This was a bad idea. I should have never brought us here. I just thought… I don’t know what I thought. You’ve been here the entire time, and I only just came back. I guess I thought I could chase her ghost away, leave happy memories and opportunity for other things. This was not how I thought it would be, though. We should get out of here.”
I smiled kindly, but distractedly, and watched as he made eye contact with the server and signaled for the check. She brought it over, setting a to-go box down in front of me and then took his payment, walking back to run his card. I looked at the food and the box, and I was too afraid to take it with me, fearing that Lillie’s ghost would come along for the ride. I had worked so hard to keep her out of my new life. Ollie looked down, obviously feeling bad, and finished signing the check. We stood up quickly and walked toward the door, taking one last glance at the bar before walking out the doors.
The cool air hit me in the face and sobered me up quickly, bringing me right back to the present, where I needed to be. We strolled quietly through the streets watching the college kids laughing and playing as they made their way to the next party or the next bar. It was a little overwhelming being snapped right back into reality.
“So, where do you live now?” he asked.
“I moved across town, over by the zoo,” I responded, sticking my hands in my pockets, feeling the chill of the air on my neck. “It’s close to work, has great access to public transportation so I don’t have to pay to park on campus, and it’s far enough out of the campus radius to get a good night’s sleep without the yelling and laughing that used to keep me up at my old place. I never realized, until after I graduated and pretty much spent most of my time alone, how loud we were walking around at night. I almost feel bad for the people that live out here.”
“We were kids.” He laughed. “They knew what to expect living this close to campus.”
“True.” I smiled.
“So, do you know a good place to have a drink? Maybe somewhere I’ve never been before?”
“Actually, yeah, I do,” I said thoughtfully. “It’s over closer to where I live, outside of the campus circle, so it’s mostly people our age and older. It’s pretty quiet there, meant for conversations more than partying, if that’s okay?”
“That sounds perfect,” he responded.
“Okay, where did you park?”
“Just up here about two blocks over,” he said, smiling.
We walked to his car, and he held the door open for me, shutting it once I was tucked away inside. I gave him the directions to Crescendo Espresso Bar, and we headed in that direction. It was kind of my go-to spot, but I didn’t even realize they served beer until one late night I couldn’t sleep and decided to grab a hot cup of coffee. When I walked in, I realized it was a bar too, and instantly, it became my nightcap spot. It was low key, and I didn’t have to worry about running into Lillie’s ghost there. That was my life: trying to find places that I could avoid a damn ghost.
Chapter 7
Ollie
I liked Crescendo. It was different, hip almost, with plain furnishings but loud wall coverings. The people there were our age, hipsters mostly, but people just looking for a chill place to escape. The patio outside was full, it being probably one of the last few beautiful nights in Madison until winter was over. Inside, there was light, live music playing at the front, the speakers piping it inside and out. It hadn’t been around during my college days, and though it looked like a place I could imagine Lillie liking, her ghost was nowhere to be seen, and I felt a weight start to lift from my shoulders. The past had been oppressive, taunting me, pushing me back on a daily basis. My exorcism, at least day one of it, had gone down in a pile of flames, burning brightly at the door of Dotty’s. I wondered if it was even possible to do what I was trying to do, or if it would be a constant battle between me and the “we” that Lillie and I used to be in this town.
Then I looked over at Elana, the girl that was left behind, and noticed the haunted and painful look in her eyes. She was hurting just as much as I was, only I could tell it was something that she had finally found a way not to feel day in and day out for the last five years. I realized at that moment that she hadn’t just lost Lillie. She had lost me and everything she had dreamed of too, a story that was written all over her face as she ordered a beer and sat down across from me at the table. I had left Madison as fast as my legs could carry me. In fact, I hadn’t even shown up for graduation. I stood across the street, carrying my cap and gown, unable to walk in
to the arena. Instead, I dropped the clothes in the trashcan and jumped in my already packed car and jetted out, trying to outrun the pain and memories. I separated myself from the life that I had led before, but Elana, she had remained, trying to rebuild her life one day at a time.
I couldn’t even begin to imagine the kind of challenge that she faced, walking alone into a new world, putting her pieces back together one at a time. I could imagine her sitting at her and Lillie’s apartment, packing up her things, trying not to take all of Lillie’s stuff with her. From the look on her face, I could tell that struggle was still an everyday occurrence for her, not something that she had gotten past and moved on with. She seemed to still be fighting through every breath that she had to take, thrashing her arms to get air in moments like these, where I dragged her back down, thinking I could kill the ghost for both of us. She had real strength, a strength that I had never been able to find in myself. Every day in Phoenix, I would wake up and go for a run, letting whatever Lillie’s ghost wanted to say get out of my head so that I could focus on the tasks at hand. I had thrown myself into my work so hard that I hadn’t come up for air until I drove into Madison. I admired Elana’s strength. It was something that I had been trying to find since I left.
There we were, escaping the crushing compounds of the past and sitting in Elana’s present, trying to come up with things to say to each other that didn’t bring those memories crashing down on our heads. I didn’t even know how to make conversation outside of work, not without bringing up the past or at least thinking about it on a level that started to drive me crazy. I had replayed everything over and over in my mind for the last five years. There was no reason to talk about it out loud.
“It’s supposed to be a beautiful weekend,” I said, making small talk. “Do you have any crazy plans?”
“No.” She sighed. “Crazy and plans don’t really fit into my vocabulary anymore. I always go see my mom on Sundays, and the rest of the time, I’ll take refuge inside my place, trying to hide as the crowds descend for a Badger home game this weekend. I can already smell the stench of hot dogs, beer, and drunk fans, whooping and hollering down the street past my place. It’s the only time of the year that I can’t hear my own thoughts.”
“Oh, man, Badger games,” I said, laughing. “I had completely forgotten about that when I moved here. I forgot how crazy this place gets during football season. It’s like a madhouse throughout the entire city.”
I could remember being part of the madhouse for a long time, getting pumped up in my Badger gear, painting my face and parading through the city, completely wasted but letting everyone know exactly who I was rooting for. It actually brought a slight smile to my face thinking about how much fun I had during football season. I had been kind of a fanatic.
“Are you going to go to any of the games now that you’re back?” she asked.
That was an interesting idea. I hadn’t really given it any thought at all. I was so caught up in the grief in my chest that thinking about doing anything somewhat normal seemed out of the question. But maybe it was something I should look into, something that I could do to start jumpstarting my life in Madison. I definitely was going to need something to look forward to, especially since my morning jogs were going to be less than helpful for a while.
I had been a huge fan of the Badgers, never missing a game, even when it was colder than hell outside and survival meant three layers, a winter jacket, two hats, and snow gloves. I dragged Lillie and Elana to their fair share of games as well, laughing at how much they both despised the huge crowds and screaming drunk men everywhere. Lillie used to call it a barbaric show of manhood, which always made me laugh. She was so strong-willed and opinionated; it was something I really loved about her.
“Honestly, I haven’t really given it any consideration at all until now,” I said, looking down at my beer. “Everything has been so crazy, and I left last minute to come out here that I’m kind of just winging it as I go. Though I don’t know if I can say no to going to a Badger game. I mean, it’s pretty much in my blood.”
“I know.” She snickered. “I remember very well. Of course, most of the time, that blood was mixed with copious amounts of alcohol, like the time you took your shirt off at that game, and it was literally ten degrees outside.”
“Oh, yeah.” I laughed. “I couldn’t feel my nipples for a week after that. In all honesty, though, this last week has been nothing but work.”
“And taking out innocent librarians during your morning jog.” She laughed.
“Of course, that’s a given,” I teased. “But the new place I’m working at is great. It’s just super time-consuming because they needed a cleanup guy to come in and get all the overflow handled and the schedule back on track. I’ve managed to take a big chunk out of that task, but I still have a long way to go.”
We continued to have light and easy conversation, drinking our beers and staring up at the television screens above the bar during the awkward silent moments. However, as the beer wore down and the crowd started to move inside, our conversation seemed to diminish. We were forcing it, I could tell, and it was almost painful to go through. I realized then that this had been a mistake, one that I felt terrible for making since I had put Elana through the pain of rehashing old memories.
There was way too much painful history between the two of us, and I had come bulldozing in, rushing us right back into the past. Of course, that wasn’t my intention. I had hoped that having a familiar friend here, someone that I knew I cared a lot about, would help me transition back into this life a little easier, but I realized all I was doing was dragging Elana backward. She didn’t need to remember all of these things. She had spent the last five years doing her own exorcism of sorts, one that made it so she could still breathe every day when she woke up.
Even there at the Crescendo, a place that was completely new to me, there was an awkwardness that I couldn’t really dispel. It was something that was unspoken between us. It was like the entire last five years had created a cavern that separated me from Elana, and in between was a sea of memories that neither one of us wanted to go through to get to the other, at least not that night, in that bar on the edge of town. It was sad really, especially since I really enjoyed being around her. I think I knew that the night was over, that it had reached a point where we weren’t going to be able to find that common ground that we were hoping for when we met earlier. Maybe I had started the whole thing on the wrong foot, and I didn’t just mean thinking I could traipse over all the old spots we used to go. Maybe my intentions from the beginning misled me, and if I had really wanted Elana in my life, I should have let her absorb me into her world, not push her back into the past.
I paid the tab for the beers and walked Elana out, no need to say that the night was actually over. It was more than obvious that we both were in a place that we didn’t want to be, whether we liked each other’s company or not. Maybe it was still too soon, or maybe trying to have anything to do with my old life was just impossible.
“Thank you for agreeing to have dinner with me,” I said, glancing to Elana in the passenger seat as we drove back toward her house.
“It’s been really good catching up,” she responded with a forced smile.
It was glaringly obvious we weren’t going to be seeing each other again. Kind of like a really awkward blind date where you both want to be polite, so you withstand the whole thing knowing there is no chemistry and no future. It was kind of painful thinking this would be the last time that we hung out, but I knew that it was necessary. There was nothing there but a void too big for either of us to get across, and I couldn’t sit around waiting for that void to close, and neither could she. No matter how much I wanted this friendship to pick back up and develop, I could see now that it was probably not possible. If it had been in another time or even another place, this could have gone completely differently, but with Lillie’s ghost haunting us at every turn, I couldn’t possibly imagine that we could continu
e to do this to ourselves.
Elana paused and smiled at me, putting her hand on mine for a moment before getting out of the car. As I watched her walking up to her row house, her shiny black hair glimmering in the street lights, I thought about all the missed opportunities. Still, I couldn’t shake Lillie and could almost see her standing on the porch next to Elana, waving goodbye to me.
Chapter 8
Elana
Sundays were both painful and relaxing at the same time. When the clock chimed noon, you could expect that I would be at my mother’s house, drudging through whatever lecture she had for me, and then finally enjoying my time with her. She lived alone. My dad and her divorced years before. I felt like it was necessary for me to spend as much time with her as possible. My mom’s name was Tammy, and she kept herself busy with gardening, canning, and pretty much anything else that you could imagine an old homesteader taking care of. She lived about ten miles from me, on the outskirts of town in the same house that I grew up in. I loved being home now, but it had taken me a while to be able to drive past Lillie’s old childhood home without bursting into tears or having a mental breakdown. Now, I was okay, and I usually just drove right past, only giving her ghost a small bit of recognition.
“I need you to get the last of the tomatoes out of the garden,” my mom said, moving around the kitchen and getting her tools ready for the day’s activity. “Then I need you to go to the car and bring in the canning supplies. You’re going to help me make sauces today.”