by Claire Adams
“Well, hello again,” I said, putting my hand out. “Not too close. My head still hurts. However, if you’re looking for books on pre-modern Japan for Professor Bane’s history class, I’m afraid to tell you that you’re in the wrong section. Besides, you know you’ve already written the paper from memory. In fact, I could use you as my personal library. Who needs all these books when I have a friend with a photographic memory?”
“I could write your paper for a fee,” he said, whispering and shaking his eyebrows up and down.
“Alas, I am a broke college student,” I said, shrugging and letting go of my laughter.
“Oh, Glasses,” he said, laughing and calling me by the old nickname from college that he had for me. “You’ve always been such a book nerd, scurrying through the stacks, looking for your next find. I swear you treated this place like it was a lost treasure that you had found walking through the woods one day. I guess I shouldn’t be too surprised that Glasses became a librarian. Though, I’m guessing I can’t really call you Glasses anymore.”
“No, sadly you can’t,” I said, sighing. “And I’m pretty sure that ‘Contacts’ doesn’t have quite the same flare as ‘Glasses’ did.”
“Touché,” he said. “I can’t really refer to you as the little pixie fairy anymore, either.”
“Oh,” I said, looking over at the long hair folded over my shoulder. “No, I don’t suppose that would work, either. It looks like you might have to go back to the drawing board in the nickname department. I guess you have some work to do then. Get to it. It would be too weird for you to call me Elana.”
We both burst out into laughter, all the good memories flashing through my head for just a moment. As our laughter faded, I looked down at the stack of books in my hands, feeling so awkward that I didn’t know what to say next. I really didn’t want to end the conversation, but at the same time, I couldn’t stand here and talk about old memories. I looked up at him and smiled as he shoved his hands in his suit pockets and looked down at the floor.
“I was wondering if you had any plans tonight,” he blurted out with rosy cheeks.
“I, uh, no. I mean I have a really hot date with Mr. Fizzles, but I can reschedule,” I said.
“Mr. Fizzles?”
“My cat,” I replied. “Yep, that’s right. I’ve become the librarian cat lady of Madison. Don’t judge me.”
“Wow,” he said. “But I can’t judge. I’ve become the nomad hobo that just wanders from city to city. We are quite the pair; the university really did amazing things with us.”
“Hey, speak for yourself.” I laughed. “Mr. Fizzles is very loving.”
“I’m sure he is, and I don’t want to disturb date night, but I did promise you dinner after taking you out on the sidewalk on Monday,” he said, smiling. “So how about it?”
I stood there looking at him for a moment, knowing that my first instinct was to say yes, but everything else in me was kind of iffy about it. Laughing felt really good, better than I imagined, and if I knew our conversation would stay on that track, I wouldn’t be so hesitant to say yes. However, I was terrified that it was going to get dark and sad instead, and I knew that was a higher probability than the other. I looked down at my books and then back at him, realizing there was no way that I could turn him down at that point, no matter what the consequences might be.
“Sure,” I said happily.
“Awesome,” he said, smiling. “Meet me on the quad in our old place at seven sharp.”
“Sharp?” I asked, laughing. “I don’t know. I’m prone to be late.”
“Yeah, right,” he scoffed. “You’d show up early, even if it was to your own execution.”
“You’re probably right.” I laughed. “I am a stickler for that stuff.”
“Okay, I’ll let you get back to work,” he said with a much brighter expression on his face. “I’ll see you tonight.”
I smiled and waved, watching him disappear around the corner of the stacks and out into the library. I shook my head and giggled to myself, turning the remaining books in my hand on their side and finding their number. I wanted to stand there all day talking to Ollie, but I had to get this work done if I ever wanted to get out of there. It was Friday, and luckily, since my last promotion, I was no longer on the weekend rotations, which meant on Friday I could go home, looking forward to two quiet days off from work. Sometimes that was a good thing, and sometimes it was way too much empty time on my hands. Either way, I assumed this dinner would give me plenty to think about.
In reality, I hadn’t been out with any friends in a very long time. I spent most of my off time split between hiding out with my cats and hearing my mom tell me how much she wanted grandkids. I was excited about doing something other than either one of those. On top of that, it was Ollie, the guy that I thought of as one of my closest friends for a long time, and he was finally back in Madison. I knew there would probably be hard times through the conversation, but I had high hopes for a really nice night of catching up on everything that had happened since he left. I definitely had a lot going on, even though my life seemed pretty boring, and I really wanted to hear about his adventure traveling the country.
I just hoped that Lillie’s ghost didn’t mess it up too bad.
Chapter 5
Ollie
I breathed in the cool September air as I walked down the street toward the campus. The night had gotten chilly, but that was most likely because I was used to the heat of Phoenix. I turned the corner and started up the path toward the statue of Abraham Lincoln that sat in front of Bascom Hall. There wasn’t anyone out and about, and I assumed they were either studying or already on their way to being half in the bag in their dorm rooms.
Just as I stepped toward the statue, my brain took over, flooding me with memories of when I was in college. Lillie’s laughter floated through my ears, and I could almost swear she was right there beside me, laughing and dancing in the cool evening air. She had told me about every single one of her bright ideas out there in the quad, either resting under the starry sky or closing her eyes and feeling the warmth of the sun beating down on her face, sprawled out on a blanket on the lawn.
I couldn’t even begin to count how many times I made this walk with Lillie. It was the main way to get to her dorms, and it was the best way to get out of the campus and into town. Even when we didn’t have anywhere to go, we would meet there and wander along the paths, holding hands and just talking, happy to spend quality time together outside the hustle and bustle of our everyday college experiences. Looking down at the stone beneath my feet, I realized I was standing right where I was the moment I knew I wanted to marry Lillie.
I had started out the night so excited to actually be going out and doing something with a friend, something I hadn’t done in a really long time. I was pumped to reconnect with Elana and to start my new life in Madison, trying to turn these heart-wrenching memories into happy, fleeting thoughts that didn’t stop me in my tracks every time they floated through my mind. It was unbelievable that I was struggling so hard that it was ruining the excitement of seeing Elana again, someone that actually understood me and how I was feeling.
Elana and I had clicked the first time we met, which made Lillie ecstatic since Elana was so important to her. Elana was the nerdy girl, from the way she dressed, to her hair, to how she quoted historical texts, and all the way down to her amazing, dry humor. Even when Lillie wasn’t around and Elana and I were keeping each other company while waiting for her, I had a really good time with her. There were times I could remember laughing so hard that it brought tears to my eyes. That, however, seemed like so long ago, almost like it was another life.
Now, while I was supposed to be excited to see Elana, I was standing there thinking about my dead fiancée. It was so frustrating sometimes that I couldn’t be a normal person. My grief was so deep and so rooted that it ruined everything that I tried to do to have fun. I wasn’t angry with Lillie. I was angry with my own brain for stopping me
in my tracks at every turn. I was angry that I couldn’t lift this heavy load of grief from my chest, leaving me torturing myself with useless memories, memories that only brought me hurt and pain. It was absolutely exhausting.
I walked up to the statue and leaned my back against the cold stone. The sky was clear, and the sun was already very low in the sky, revealing the moon, still surrounded by the blue tint of the sky. Thoughts of Lillie blew through my mind while I waited for Elana. I hoped that I could shake this before we started our evening. I didn’t ask her to dinner to reminisce about painful memories. I came to start fresh.
“Hey there,” Elena’s familiar voice said from behind me.
I smiled at the sound of her voice, the memories fading out of my head. I turned around and looked at her standing next to the statue, clasping her bag in her hands. She was wearing tight jeans, a tank top, and a small cardigan sweater. She definitely wasn’t the nerdy girl that I had known so many years ago. Her style was a lot more with the times and a lot less poor, uncaring, college student. I smiled big watching her look at me and grin. Her thick glasses were gone, and her pixie haircut was so unthinkable I had a hard time remembering what she looked like with it cut that way. She looked chic and stylish, something I would have definitely said about Lillie but never about Elana. But back then, when we were all trying to figure out who we really were, that look fit her. It gave her a bit of a personality, not that she didn’t have one, but she was so quiet about who she was around everyone but me and Lillie, and only when the three of us were alone.
Without her thick-lensed, black-rimmed glasses, I could really see her striking blue eyes. She had put on some makeup, so they really popped out at me. And now, in place of that short pixie haircut was long, flowing, shiny black hair, pulled back and elegantly braided, falling down her back. She was like a different girl, woman really, but I could still see that mischief in her face, her sarcasm dying to come out and make me laugh hysterically like she always did. Without her glasses, I could make out every laugh line, every sparkle in those vibrant blue eyes, and every side glance that she liked to give me on a regular basis.
Between the dark hair and the blue eyes, she almost looked feline, and it was amazing to me how much sleeker she looked when she moved under the darkening sky. I was having a hard time not staring directly at her, and I knew if I continued to do so for any more time, she was going to catch on, making things really awkward for the rest of the night. There was just something about her, though, something I just couldn’t put my finger on.
She smiled and tucked a rogue sliver of hair behind her ear. That was when it hit me like a ton of bricks. It was something that I had never even noticed before, something that had been on the tip of my tongue since I first saw her on Monday. Everything seemed so different, not because she was any different on the inside, but because I realized that I thought she was beautiful. I had thought a million things about Elana in the past, and even considered her to be adorable at times, but I had never realized that she was stunning.
“You all right?” she asked.
“Oh, uh, yeah,” I said, shaking my head and coming back to the present. “Sorry about that.”
“So, where are we going to go eat? I’m starving, and I might resort to cannibalism if you don’t take me somewhere soon.” She said it with a serious tone. “And just know you are the first on my list of humans to eat.”
“I think the first problem is the fact that you actually have a ‘humans to eat’ list in the first place.” I laughed.
“You never can tell about people.” She smiled. “So, spill it. Where are we going?”
“Dotty’s,” I blurted out, not even thinking.
I watched as Elana’s eyes widened, her mouth dropping slightly open, and immediately I was thinking that I might regret my choice to take her there. It was too late now, though. I had already committed and blurted it out like I was some kind of weirdo. Elana immediately tried to adjust the shocked look on her face, and I cleared my throat, feeling bad about not taking her feelings into consideration when picking a place for dinner. It was just that it had been our usual hangout all through college, and I figured if I was performing an exorcism, trying to get Lillie’s ghost from my life, there was no reason to spare the holy water.
I smiled at Elana as she forced a smile back at me, and I offered my arm to her. I was starting to feel bad, bringing my exorcism and grasp for life down on Elana. I knew that Lillie’s death had affected her to the point where I had heard she wouldn’t even leave her apartment for a really long time. Eventually she did, though, and hopefully, this was going to help her, too. Either way, we were heading deep into the belly of the beast.
Dotty’s Dumpling Dowry was a Madison institution. The place was a staple that specialized in burgers and fries, and it hadn’t even changed the seating in years. You could smell the endless layers of burger patties baked into the wood walls, and I thought it was amazing. I loved the place since freshman orientation when my parents took me there for dinner. They thought it was a bit of a dive, but figured it was just part of the college experience. When we walked through the doors, Elana stopped for a minute and looked around the place. It still had the same charm and a plethora of memorabilia covering the walls, from vintage posters and a small hanging replica of the Hindenburg to the giant metal statue of the person on a motorcycle above the booths.
Elana and I slid into a booth and took out the menus, looking down at the burgers they had added since the last time I had been there. The waitress brought us some water to start with, and we placed our order. I went with the cheese curds, something familiar that I had eaten when I lived there before. In fact, Dotty’s cheese curds had gotten me through many a hangover in my younger years and sobered me up for finals right before I graduated. If walls could talk, I would gag them. This place hosted me many times when hosting me was getting difficult to do. They also had an extensive bar, which was exactly what I wanted at that point in time. I hadn’t had a cold beer at a restaurant in a long time, and I finally felt like I could drink one without attempting to drown my unhappy feelings.
“Cheese curds? Really? What, are you nursing a hangover again?”
“Ha-ha,” I said. “No, not this time. I just wanted something familiar, that’s all. They don’t make things like this in Phoenix.”
“Oh, God, what did you survive on then?”
“Mainly rice and beans.” I laughed. “Not sure why, but it’s like on every menu in Phoenix. You just have to look for it.”
“So, tell me about Phoenix. What did you do while you were there?”
“When I first got there, it was literally just supposed to be a stop on my grand tour of the United States,” I explained. “But I ran into a guy in investing, and one thing turned into another, and suddenly, I had been there for three years, hating the heat of the summer and craving the coldness of Wisconsin. It really was a beautiful place, though.”
I kept it light, not quite ready to dive into the Lillie discussion just yet. I was here with Elana, and I wanted her to remember why I was there. I couldn’t deny, though, being back at Dotty’s was a lot more to take in than I ever thought.
Chapter 6
Elana
Back at the quad, when Ollie had said Dotty’s, I pretty much froze in place, trying to decide whether to run or just go along with it. I hadn’t been to Dotty’s in a very, very long time, and it was difficult being in there now. Everything looked almost the same, and it was almost eerie how time seemed to stand still inside of the restaurant. But what was I to do? He wanted to eat there.
It was hard to even think about where I was sitting. Dotty’s had been “our place,” the place we came to chill and relax, to get away from the craziness of college life. Now it just seemed really uncool to be back there without Lillie. It may look the same as before, but the vibe floating around was painful and awkward at the same time, and it made it really difficult to pay attention to Ollie at all, especially since he fit into the m
emories so perfectly. I wasn’t sure what he was hoping to accomplish, but I was already thinking this was a serious fail. I understood trying to move on, but everyone did it in their own way, and this just wasn’t the way I was used to doing things. Then again, maybe that wasn’t it at all. Maybe he just really liked cheese curds and missed the old days.
When Lillie died, I was destroyed, but the only thing I knew to do was to keep going the same course I had before. I was almost done with my undergraduate program, I had my sights set on my Master’s, and I had known the whole time I would be staying in Madison. I wasn’t even thinking about getting out; I really loved my hometown. So, I stuck around campus, even worked there now, and I’d had time to start seeing the campus spaces that still existed in the days that I called A.L., or “After Lillie.” I got to start having memories of the place beyond just when Lillie walked the grounds, which helped me get from day to day without constantly thinking of her and replaying the pain in my chest. But not Dotty’s. It wasn’t anywhere that I could have even started to think was a good idea to come to. I had learned that it was good to push yourself, to learn to live with the pain and grief, but going to the park or the grocery store was one thing; going to the place that was exclusive to me and Lillie was something completely different.
I was trying to hold it together, I really was, but being back there, sitting in the same booths Lillie, Ollie, and I used to frequent and talking about the past like it wasn’t a significant player in our present was really starting to fuck with me, big time. I swallowed hard and shook my head, blocking everything out around the booth. Maybe this was a place I could create a different memory too, just like I had before, only this would be a lot harder.
“There were barely any people in that small town,” he said, still talking about where he lived outside of Phoenix. “It was really amazing how…”
I nodded my head, but his words just kind of faded into the background. I was trying desperately hard to concentrate on what he was saying, but all I could keep thinking was how wrong everything felt. My pulse was starting to race, and my hands were clammy, sitting in my lap. I picked up my drink and took a big gulp of it, smiling kindly at Ollie as he continued talking. His words seemed like they were a permanent fixture in the background, like the music they play over the speakers in the mall that you barely even notice. He said something else, and I nodded in reaction, but my eyes were fixated on the bar behind him, staring at the bottles of liquor glistening under the low track lighting.