“She knows me, doesn’t she?”
“No one knows you better. I asked her if I could use a picture of them and one of us. She cried. She gave me a hug and said nothing would make her happier.”
I’m sure I was at the ugly cry by then.
A.J.’s voice was so quiet. “She picked this picture.”
“I don’t know what to say. I can’t… ”
“It’s okay?”
“Perfect. Nothing could be more perfect.”
“It’s sealed. You can wear it in the pool if you want. You can’t hurt it.”
“You’re kidding.”
“Nope. Your mom said to make sure it was indestructible because once you put it on, I’d play hell trying to get it off of you again.”
“She’s right!”
When we got back to the house, the whole family was there. A.J. had been pretty quick making arrangements after all.
“All I did was call Teagan while you were in the shower. She did the rest.”
We had a great night.
As the family was leaving, Teagan whispered in my ear. “Call me in the morning. I need help.”
“With what?”
“Gord.”
“Who or what is a Gord?”
“Gord works for me. Remember? You met him when we were on our Honey hunt.”
“The tall guy, married to the minister?”
“Pastor, but yes.”
“What’s going on with Gord?”
“Exactly what I need your help finding out.”
TWO
“GORD IS MISSING.”
“Missing? Last I heard, he was going home to explain to his wife. To tell her Honey is crazy but your company isn’t into porn. How did we get from there to here?” Teagan really has to learn to start her phone conversations with more than a confusing statement.
“His wife called. Her name is Lola.”
“A pastor named Lola? You’re kidding.”
“The irony here is enough to poison you.”
“What?”
“Iron is poison, right?”
“Lead poisoning. Iron doesn’t poison.”
Teagan argued. “Yeah, it does. You have to take about a gazillion vitamins, but it can happen. Your whole body goes into revolt. Both ends working against the middle. I don’t recommend it.”
“I hate to be the one to keep bringing us back to topic — that used to be your job — but what’s going on with Gord?”
“He’s missing.”
“You said that.”
“Sorry. My brain isn’t working. I’ve got so many things going on. All the stuff with Honey and Mr. Fisher. And then all the media attention. I’m still trying to get a good spin on it.”
“Harder than a football, huh?”
“What?”
“When you were trying to learn how to throw a football, remember? You said if you could just get a good spin, you’d have it all under control.”
“Yeah, well, before the boobs got in the way of catching that sucker, I figured it out.”
“And you’ll figure this out, too.”
“Thanks. I needed to hear it. If Gord has done something stupid, two bad media things in a row might not be easy to recover from.”
“What makes you think he did something bad?”
“People rarely disappear for something good.”
“True.”
“Old sayings aside, the last person he was seen with was a Hooters girl.”
“That’s interesting.”
“Especially in context. His wife is a pastor and everything.”
“Maybe he was trying to save the Hooters girl’s soul. Get her to wear long pants and a turtleneck or something.”
“People are so stupid. Everything is public these days. Someone is always watching. There’s a camera on every corner, and everybody has one in their pocket or their purse. You can’t get away with anything anymore.”
“How do you know he was with a Hooters girl?”
“His wife panicked. Went to the police. Remember a while ago they did all those cameras in Old Town? Big deal because they caught a zillion felons in one weekend. Something about face recognition software testing, and they searched everybody without permission — but they were in public, so it was legal — and when they matched faces with records they hauled them in.”
“That was a few years ago.” I don’t know why I know about this stuff, but I do.
“Yeah, well, evidently they’re still watching. They took Lola’s report, ran Gord’s driver’s license through their program — bingo. They have him walking down the street with the Hooters girl.”
“So, if we know where he was, what are we doing?”
“Lola is crazed. She doesn’t think Gord would be walking down the street with a Hooters girl of his own free will.”
“Um, where’s she gonna hide a weapon?”
“Good question. The problem is she’s going to go on TV — Lola, not the Hooters girl — and make a plea for his return if we don’t find him real quick. If she does, we’re in a media shit storm. Again.”
“Not good. What do the cops say?”
“The cops said he’s smiling. Case closed.”
“Really?”
“No, but they aren’t in a rush to put a lot of resources on it. He looks healthy and happy, and there’s no history of him having health or mental problems, so they aren’t going to make a big deal of it.”
“Teagan, if Gord and this girl are healthy and happy, then how’s Lola going to make a plea on TV?”
“She’s going to get on TV and say that they were a happy little family and she’s a pastor and everything was great until the big porn problem at our company, and now her husband is missing and it probably has something to do with our company. She thinks I have him locked up in a red room somewhere.”
“Red room?”
Teagan was completely exasperated. “The whole Fifty Shades thing.”
“Oh, well, nothing bad to say about Gord, but I will be happy to vouch for the fact that you don’t have him tied up somewhere. He really isn’t your type.”
“Exactly what Jessie said.”
“Jessie’s a spy. You are his soon-to-be bride. You would think that he would have connections to help you with this.”
“Jessie is not a spy. Would you stop saying that? Big Brother is always listening. You say a word like spy, and it’s gonna trigger something somewhere, and the next thing you know, there are black helicopters all over the place.”
“Well, you said it too. Only the almost wife of an I-won’t-use-the-word would know they’re always listening.”
“You don’t get out much, do you, Cara? You don’t watch the news, either.”
“There cannot be two of me. I’m the one that always gets a little bit sideways and jumps from one subject to the next without putting on my blinker. You’re the one that makes fun of it and calls me dingleberry, which I asked you not to do.”
“You haven’t come up with a viable alternative.”
“Not my job. People don’t assign themselves nicknames.”
“Jessie had a few suggestions, but he told me if I tell you what they are, he’s going to do things to me that aren’t nearly as fun as they sound.”
“Ew. The visuals. I don’t need those. Are we going to go looking for Gord or not? And if we are, where do we start? And do you think the pastor is going to help? Maybe it’s a good old-fashioned spouse-dun-it, and she actually has him locked in the basement because she caught him with a Hooters girl.”
“First, I gotta find out who the Hooters girl is and why no one has reported her missing.”
“How do you know no one has reported her missing?”
“Because the police would have put two and two together by now.”
“Bad assumption. Why don’t you call Rory and see if he has heard anything around the station, and I’ll head over to your house. We can figure it out from there.”
“Bad plan, Cara. How abou
t you call Rory, although I’m not sure why he would have heard anything, and I’ll head to your house where there is actually food and stuff.”
“You’re kidding, right? A Hooters girl disappears with a pastor’s husband. Cops are going to be talking about it.”
“Okay. Good point. I’m on my way. You need me to bring anything?”
“No, but how about you head this way in forty-five minutes. I’ve got a couple of things to do for Adeline before I start running around with you.”
“Well, sure, if you want to keep your job, I guess I can do that.”
“Yeah, I have a mortgage payment now. All grown up and everything. Plus I have a wedding to pay for.”
“I know. We’re pretty good at putting together things like the perfect wedding on a budget. I’ll see you in an hour.”
“Okay.”
“And, Cara?”
“Hmm?”
“Thanks.”
Teagan was early. Not a miracle, but a not-too-distant cousin of a miracle. Then again, considering we are doing this for her, I take that back.
She sat at the table. “Any news?”
“A little bit. I talked to Rory, like you asked. No missing Hooters girls.”
“Strange.”
I put on the kettle. “I guess one of the cops recognized her immediately. He goes to Hooters all the time. They went and checked. She was at work. Said it had been her talking with Gord. That she declined to answer questions about their relationship or what they had been doing together — or why she was walking around in her uniform — and that was that. She said the last she saw of Gord, he was fine. No problems. No drama.”
“So where did he go?”
“Good question.”
“Maybe he’s trying to recruit.”
“Recruit?”
“He and his pastor wife hadn’t been in town very long. Maybe he’s just trying to save souls. One Hooters girl at a time.”
“I’m not sure Hooters girls need saving.”
“I’m sure they don’t, dingleberry. I’ve gone in there a million times. I’ve never met a Hooters girl I didn’t like.”
“So now what?”
“I thought we could go over and talk to his wife together. You’re better at that kind of stuff than I am.”
“No, I’m not.” I tried to be indignant and hurt at the same time. I just sounded funny.
“No, you’re really not, but in this case, I think it would be nice to have a buffer between me — or should I say the office — and the questions. If she gets whacked-out, I can always just say you’re an idiot. I’m sure I could convince her and anyone else looking into it later.”
“I feel the love. Where are we going?”
“You know the pretty little church on Bahr Road and Bartlette Court?”
I put the cups back in the cupboard. “The one with the little steeple and bell on top? Looks like the schoolhouse on Little House on the Prairie but with a little bell tower thingy?”
“Yep.
“I’ve always loved that place. It’s tiny, but it has so much character.”
“Precisely what we used to say about Sinead remember? Though she be but little, she be fierce. Didn’t Shakespeare say that?”
“Or something like it. What are we doing? You want to drive over and just spring it on her? Are we calling first? Have you already called?”
“You’re the queen of multiple questions today, aren’t you, dingleberry?”
“I have a good feeling about this, Teagan. I think we’re just going to go over there and all is going to be well. Then you can take the rest of the day and help me figure out where to get married.”
“From your lips to God’s ears. Let’s go. Oh, and remind me — tattoo.”
She was out the door before I could ask if we were talking about a tattoo on her or maybe Jessie. She was in her car by the time I got the door locked and out to the driveway.
“Tattoo?”
“Not now, dingleberry. When we have time. Right now, there’s a folder on the back seat. Look through it. It has Gord’s personnel stuff.”
I grabbed the folder and started to page through it. “You have pictures in your personnel files?”
“My idea.”
“I’m impressed. For such a small company...”
“I saw it on TV. One of the bug people companies, I think. They email you a picture of the person scheduled to show up at your house. It seemed like a good security measure to have in place. We don’t use it yet, but I like it.”
“It is a good idea. Gord’s, like, twelve feet tall. It shouldn’t be all that hard to spot him.”
“Yes, but we have a picture so we can actually ask people, ‘Have you seen this guy?’”
“Do you really want to? Isn’t a question like that making it kind of overly dramatic? I’m still not even sure why we’re looking for him. If the Hooters girl is fine, and there’s no sign of a problem, maybe he just took the day off.”
“He took the day off without telling the company or his wife, and his wife is contacting us, looking for him. That sounds like more than just taking the day off.”
“Fine, maybe he just took off. If his wife is already threatening everything but Armageddon, maybe not all is well in their household. Maybe she isn’t as sweet as I am. Maybe she is more like you, and he just needs a break.”
“I thought about that. There has to be more to it. He’s been acting funny for a while now.”
“You haven’t even known him for a while. Not a long while, anyway. He’s brand new.”
“True. We still have to find him.”
“Fine, but we have to be a little more subtle than is your norm.”
“Than is my norm? Really? Who says that?”
“I just did. Leave me alone. I’m reading.” I flipped through the rest of his file.
The little church was just as I remembered it. I’ve only driven by, but I love it all the same. It had a fresh coat of white paint. Three brick steps led up to the doors, which were locked, and nobody answered when Teagan pounded on them.
There’s something about pounding on the doors of a church.
It just feels wrong.
Lightning didn’t strike or anything, but it still made me nervous.
I gave Teagan the eye. “So now what? I thought you said she would be here.”
“I said we needed to come here and talk to her. I didn’t say she would be here. She’ll be back soon. We’ll wait.”
“How do you know she’ll be back soon?”
“Because I need her to be, Cara.”
“Well then, we’re good. You want to wait on the steps, or do you want to wait in the car? Maybe go down the street and wait in that little diner?”
“I wonder if other areas of the country have as many diners as we do. We still seem to have a lot of them.”
“No, we just call them diners. Think about it. A trailer where they hand food out the window is probably not really called a diner. But ours seem like they are more than a food truck, maybe less than a real diner.”
“True. Let’s go see if their food moves on its own.”
“Great, Teagan. Perfect way to ruin my appetite.”
“Dingleberry, because I am at my core a generous soul, I will say you have gained back a tiny bit of weight. Although I’m not sure you have gained back any, I’ll say you have just to be nice. You need to gain a few more pounds. You don’t want to be overly skinny in your wedding pictures. Not because anyone has the right to judge your weight — no one other than me, of course — but because I know you, and it will bug you, and you won’t want to have a bunch of pictures taken at all the events leading up to your wedding. Then you will be all upset that you don’t have them when you want to show them to your kids and grandkids. You need to put on some weight. Now.”
“I know. I’m working on it.”
We got back in Teagan’s car with our food. I got fries and a Coke. She got something that looked like a cross between a burrito and
a full-blown skillet meal. I sat on the driver’s side because there was no way she could eat all of it with a steering wheel in the way.
I also figured the burden of communication would be on me. Her mouth would be full for the next fifteen minutes at least.
“I was thinking about getting married in the same chapel where Mom and Daddy got married, but then I thought it would be too hard for Daddy, so now I’m not sure what to do.”
Around bacon and hash browns Teagan mumbled, “Very PB.”
“PB? Peanut butter? What does that even mean, Teagan?”
“PB. Post-Barry.”
“What the hell does that mean?”
She actually stopped eating and put her food on the dashboard. I said a little prayer to the dashboard gods there would be no grease on the bottom of the container. She’d never be able to get the mark or the smell out.
“You have been a very different person since Barry kicked the Cara out of you.”
I was stunned. “What the hell does that mean, and why are you talking about it now?”
“See? The old Cara would never need to ask those questions.”
“There’s no old and new Cara, and you need to explain what you’re talking about.”
Why now? What was going on? We were looking for Gord, not doing psychoanalysis on me. I didn’t want to hear this, but I couldn’t not hear it. It’s like when something pops up on Facebook, and you know it’s gonna be bad, but you just can’t help yourself. They used to say it was like looking at a car wreck, but since Mom died, I have completely stopped saying that one.
“Cara, this isn’t a secret. You seem to be the only one that doesn’t realize it. Mom and I talked about it several times. She said it would just take some time. I thought we should talk to you. She said to leave it alone. How often did Mom say to leave anything alone? So I left it alone. But it’s time.”
“What’s going to take some time? What are you talking about?”
“You remember that movie. The one where the guy wakes up at the same time every morning and does the same stuff every day.”
“Groundhog Day?”
“Yeah. That’s pretty much been you since you woke up after Barry kicked the Cara out of you.”
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